WEDNESDAY

The weather is beautiful outside...but I can't bring myself to leave my room. I've been inside a classroom mostly all day with a changing group of snarky teens every hour. They don't leave me alone, these teenagers. They always want something and they ask a crazy amount of questions - some legitimate and most incredibly stupid. And then I drive my twenty minute commute home in traffic filled with people going under the speed limit and over the speed limit and taking eight billion years to find the gas pedal after the light turns green and people who act like they're racing dragsters. 

And I came home to the dirtiest kitchen full of dishes that are mostly not mine and I said forget it, I'm going out. 

So I went back into the traffic of drivers who don't know how to drive and I went to Ross. I tried on some new summer skirts in the dressing room with a mom and her two girls. Her young son was also in there and he was whistling, whistling, whistling. He would not stop whistling. I don't know if you've ever been in a large dressing room before, but whistling is not conducive to a good time trying on various articles of clothing. Actually it just made me want to strangle the little boy because my head just couldn't take it any longer. Finally they left. 

And he continued to whistle throughout the store. 

So I thought maybe I should get some food because maybe I was just hangry. But then I remembered the stupid dirty kitchen. And I remembered the stick skinny little high school runners at the track meet yesterday and how I really wanted to rid my stomach of its insulation and then I went "hey, look! Wendy's!"

And that was that. 

So here I am, on my bed, window open, and I don't want to go outside because there are people out there. And they might need something. And at this point in the day I feel very much like Michelle on Gilmore Girls, spoken with a quirky french accent:

People are particularly stupid today. I cannot talk to any more of them. 

ADVENTURES AND PROMS AND BEING AN ADULT

This weekend was a lot of things for me. There is a situation at work that is stressing me out and last week I was on edge every day it seemed. So, it's not been very fun to be me recently, is what it comes down to.

But Saturday night was prom. Our theme was "Under The Sea" and someone unnamed had volunteered me to chaperon. At first I was a little hesitant, but since I was actually staying in town this weekend I decided to just do it. (Introvert problems, you know? I'm sorry, you want to hang? I can't. I have to sit at home by myself and watch Netflix...)

I met up at an Italian restaurant with a bunch of the other chaperons for our pre-prom dinner. This place provides crayons and covers their tables with butcher paper. There is a six year old child inside of me that just can't resist this combination. I drew sea creatures and a small drawing contest erupted between me and the two teachers I was next to. There was a flying manatee at one point. Teachers know how to party.

Then we headed out to the golf course event center that's right on the lake. It was gorgeous. I wished a million times that my high school proms could have been held there instead of at the resort. Oh well. And the decorations the students have been working on for the last three weeks were everywhere. The place just looked amazing.

Students started flooding in, the lights got dim. The sun set behind the mountains (the view! you guys!) and the music started thumping. The base was loud. The music was a good mix of things before my time, during my time and after my time. A lot of what blared through the speakers was music from my high school years, which felt a little odd, admittedly. Apple Bottom Jeans, anyone?

We did the Cupid Shuffle and Cotton-Eyed Joe. The students all got ridiculously excited about the Wobble...which I am wholly unfamiliar with. The girls were really into it, so. It was fun to watch.

I danced a lot more than I had anticipated and I sang along with tons of the songs. By the time I got home that night my voice was scratchy and my ears were ringing. It's been a long time since I've had that much fun at an event similar to this one. My high school prom experiences weren't bad, but they were followed around by that typical teenage girl angst of wanting to dance with boys. I never attended a formal dance with a boyfriend (which I've heard is a good thing. there are some horror stories out there) and I always had fun. There was also always some sort of tension between me and my date because one of us always cared more and it usually wasn't me. Except when I went to prom with Jeff because despite the joke about us being "secret lovers" a la the commercial that was so popular back then, we truly were just friends and that was a great night.

But I digress.

I've decided that I like chaperoning prom a lot more than I liked attending it when I was a student. And perhaps next year us chaperons will show up in our own poofy prom dresses. Like I said, teachers know how to party.

Sunday morning woke me up at 7 with a healthy dose of prom hangover. I spent the day on the couch binge watching Futurama and sleeping.

And then in the evening I went on one of the longest runs of my life. I hadn't planned it that way, but then, adventure.

You guys, running is such a metaphor for life. Can I just tell you? Because it is.

There is a route that I usually take, and I just stick to that route. I know it. I'm comfortable running it. It's not too crazy and it's not too far. I'm usually out there for fifteen or twenty minutes and I come back feeling good. But just like in life, sometimes routine gets boring.

So instead of turning and crossing the road at my usual spot, I decided to go straight. I knew what was up ahead, but I hadn't ever ran there before, you know? I jogged up the road, passed by my old middle school. Turned into a big neighborhood and ran down to the park that I've played at off and on since it was built. The whole thing took me about an hour before I found myself back at my apartment complex.

My life has been linear. It has been routine, even though the routine has changed a couple times. But I always just take what's ahead of me. I brace for it, whatever it is, instead of maybe choosing something different. I went through school. Graduated. Went to college. Graduated. Got a job working in my field.

It's always been a progression. There hasn't been really any sideways motions, just always forward. This thing I'm dealing with at work could end up aiding in carrying through that forward momentum, or it could throw me sideways. Which, here is why running is my life metaphor.

Yesterday I decided to take a turn in a direction I hadn't been in before. There was no magic button to reset and put me back at my door step if I didn't like where I was or I got too tired to go on. There was no cell phone in my pocket to call for a ride home if my feet suddenly gave out. It was just me and the asphalt paved pathway my running shoes were pounding on.

There's a fork in my road. My job could go one way or the other and I'm not sure what's going to happen and it's a little scary. What happens if I have to go sideways? My plans have never really had the potential to change this drastically. I've always been the one with the power, and here it feels...different.

Whatever happens to me, I'm going to be alright. I know that. I've just started realizing what adulthood is all about. It's not about just taking the next step and following a certain plan. Plans change. Adulthood is about how you respond to the changes. How you roll with the punches and go with the flow. You can sit and fight the current or let it take you away. And there isn't really a right answer, which can be both exciting and terrifyingly horrible.

But I will end with this, I suppose. I still think being an adult is the stupidest thing I've ever done. And I love mostly every single stupid second of it.

TIDBITS

[mine]

taken on my drive home from moscow yesterday

It's funny when people from your past show up and send you requests on Facebook. I haven't spoken to you in years but welcome to my life, old friend.

Chocolate milk on cereal is probably my new favorite thing to eat. And peppermint chocolate Luna bars. And fresh, juicy strawberries. Of course accompanied by coconut water. What else do I drink these days? (chocolate almond milk. duhh.)

The neighbor lady accused me of jogging around my room at nine o'clock at night (which I was not doing) and said if it happens again she's going to report us. She can't do this because a) quiet hours don't start until 10 and b) she has no proof that I was actually making any noise that night. Her word against mine, yo. People suck. When did it become more appropriate to threaten people than to come and politely talk with them? "You guys have been such good neighbors, but I work early in the morning so if it's noisy again I'm going to report you." I mean, WHO DOES THAT. Seriously. It almost makes me just want to stomp around at night for fun.

Also, if she doesn't like any noise from her neighbors then why does she live in an apartment complex? Come on, lady. Get it together. I pay to live here too. Okay, end rant.

This weekend went by way too fast. I remember sitting on Nathan's couch on Friday, glad that it was still the beginning of the weekend and then it felt like he hugged me and it was Sunday evening and I was leaving. I think leaving is the absolute worst. I round the corner of the street in my car where his house is just out of view and even though I've been gone for literally only a few seconds, I already miss him.

I'm ready for summer. Spring is nice and all, but I want 90 degree days where I can jump into the cool lake water and hang out in my swimsuit all day. I want tank tops and jean shorts and sandals. And I want travel and adventure and camping. My brain is overwhelmed with work and so exhausted that I'm ready to just be done with all the pressure. There is so much pressure and I am so new to this and my neurons are fried.

Lately I day dream about what it would be like to go back to school and become a graphic designer. Or teach at a community art center. Or actually to just become a student again and take all the art classes the little artist nerd inside of me could handle. Someday I would like to go back to school, but for now, we'll see what the future brings. I'm still young and life could take me anywhere.

I wish I lived in a house too. I want a yard so I can have a trampoline. And a dog. I miss my dog.

Today was hard. Not for anything in particular, just that it was a Monday. My students weren't on their best behavior. The hours passed like minutes and I just haven't felt good today. I need a soak in a hot tub and to go to bed early tonight.

I DO (NOT)

I have been fielding what seems like a borderline inappropriate amount of wedding questions. But unless you guys know something I don't know, there isn't a wedding in my near future. (at least for me, personally. i mean, the brother, amiright?)

Ahem.

So in leu of writing out a deeply personal post on the subject (which I tried 80 billion times and was not happy with how any of them turned out) here are some pins from my wedding boards. Enjoy.

there is a giant soft spot in my heart for vintage rings. they are just so pretty. 

 i just really love everything about this cake. 

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE SPRING TIME

The weather is finally starting to warm up around here and it feels all sorts of good on my pale skin. I even wore shorts the other day because it was a whopping 63 degrees out! I know that doesn't sound warm, but after the lengthy cold winter months with not a lot of sunlight, I couldn't help myself.

I've also been forgoing jackets. Who needs 'em!

It occurred to me the other day that these sunny warm spring days are so wonderful that they make me forget completely about how horrible and cold winter is. I'm not a mother, but I hear all about how after you have that plump little precious baby in your arms and that sweet little face with those huge eyes staring back up at you, you're like "what labor pains?" and "I wanted to punch who in the face?" and "No, that was nothing. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat."

And that pretty much sums up how I feel about spring and summer. What winter colds? I wanted to tell the snow it could do what? And, no! Surely you're mistaken! Winter wasn't so bad or so cold or so horrible, but man this spring stuff sure is beautiful!

I mean, truth be told I do enjoy a good cup of hot chocolate by the fire place and a ski day up on the mountain. However, there is just something about warm long days filled with heat from that big ball of fire in the sky that makes me so incredibly happy.

Idaho in the spring and summer is simply gorgeous. Lazy days spent on the lake make me wonder why I would ever contemplate moving somewhere else. It makes me remember who I am. I always feel more like myself when the sun is out and I can drive with the windows rolled down and the radio turned up. It satisfies the deepest levels of my soul.

In the winter I dream about the summer. I get lost in my brain and I forget myself - like I've left who I was back in the summertime and I have to re-figure out life as a winter inhabitant. It feels foreign to me, if that makes any sort of sense at all. I really do like skiing and the way that everything gets blanketed in white after that first beautiful snowfall, but everything else about winter I feel like I have to force myself into being enthusiastic about it.

Yay! Sunset at 4:30 in the afternoon! Woohoo! I get to drive to work in the dark and then drive home in the dark! Let's all drive 15 mph because snow is scary! THIS IS AWESOME! BEST WINTER EVER!

But then spring rolls around and the sun doesn't set until after seven and it then keeps getting later and later and my heart keeps getting more elated with each passing day. It's not until I sit down and think about it that I realize how ridiculous winter is. The silver lining is that it makes me more appreciative of the sunshine. As if I needed help doing that or something. Ha.

Maybe it's because I was born in the summer, or maybe it's because summer represents freedom and camping and barbecues and lakes and swimming and long days spent with good friends. I just feel at home in warmer weather. I feel like I belong there. The world makes more sense when there's a warm breeze, the smell of fresh cut grass, and good book to read on a blanket spread on the sand at the beach. That's what I live for, that is who I am.

SPRING BREAK PART TWO

Let's talk about the last half of my spring break, shall we? Because it's almost over. Those precious hours of freedom are starting to dwindle...and I know I should be feeling ready to go back and maybe even excited, but I'm just so totally not. Teaching is exhausting. Is it summer yet?

And also, this week. I have been a bit of a grump practically all week long I think, and poor Nathan has put up with it like a champ. There are so many reasons why I like this boy, and just, you guys. He treats me with love even when I'm pouting like a toddler.

This week I learned something about myself, and also got a billion more reasons to be really happy with the relationship I have with Nathan.

First, let's talk about a friend I have. I met up with her for a short amount of time this past week to exchange some articles of clothing and chat about life since we hardly see each other anymore. She was having some issues with the man in her life. They were some similar challenges to things I had experienced in my previous relationships. These things they were dealing with, in my opinion, are things of an immature nature.

While I was listening to her talk about their argument and subsequent resolution it made me incredibly grateful that I don't have to deal with those kinds of things with Nathan. It also made me realize that I have a much more mature relationship than maybe I'd realized.

I don't often get upset with my boyfriend. We don't really fight. I don't think I've ever yelled at him, nor had him yell at me. I can count the times I have been mad at him on one hand and I don't even use all the fingers.

This weekend I was a total grump with him though. It was the first week that Elder Scrolls Online had been released and Nathan used his free time to play that stupid game instead of hang out with me for the first three days it was out.

Hence all those movies that I watched. (Which was nice, but, you know.)

It made me remember what it was like to be second rate to a video game. I dealt with that a lot with Matt. He made me feel really insignificant and incredibly unimportant in comparison to his video games. I was often left to my own devices while he spent hours upon hours in front of a TV screen, mad at the lag or the cheating players or the computer. Something was always upsetting him, and if I was there trying to talk to him then I became something else to be mad at. Consequently, we fought all the time and my self worth went down the toilet (for a lot of reasons).

So I spent a fair chunk of this week reliving what that hell felt like, although Nathan's reactions towards me are so vastly different than Matt's. Which is just another reason that Nathan is so much better for me than I could have imagined.

When Matt would vomit words of hate in my direction and focus all his attention on the game at hand, I would go into another room and hide from him. As a confrontation loathing introvert, this was the only appropriate response I could think of. He would also never come looking for me. Nathan has never ever spoken to me the way that Matt would, but still, in his hours of completing quests I would retreat to other rooms in the house. I had given up going somewhere else for my spring break in order to spend time with my favorite man and he was favoring the computer, so it really hurt my feelings. I am pretty horrid at talking about how I feel, so naturally, hiding was the thing to do. Old habits, I suppose.

But he would come to find me. And he would kiss me on the cheek or the forehead or whatever part of my head he could reach based on what position I was in and he would ask me to come back into the other room and sit by him because he missed me. The fact that he would seek me out means more to my damaged psyche than he will probably ever know.

I didn't always go though, because I am a brat. Also because my love language is quality time and I need your undivided attention for a little while in order for my love cup to be filled. Just sitting next to me on the couch in the same room while we are both doing two different things will only hold me over for so long before I start to poke you, tickle you, hit you with a pillow or do other annoying things in oder to get attention because I'm probably only four years old on the inside.

Yesterday and today Nathan hardly touched his game. We went on a run, we went out for sushi, we watched Beauty and The Beast, we went to the mall, and we kicked the soccer ball around in the backyard. It was much nicer and way more enjoyable for me than sitting on the couch watching old movies while he's on the computer.

Call me old fashioned, but when did technology start being the priority over human interaction?

I'm glad that this week is a rarity. That it's not always only video games all the time. I'm glad that I have a guy who treats me like he loves me even when I'm throwing an introvert's version of a temper tantrum. And I'm also really sad this week is over. I really like having that guy around - video games and all.

SPRING BREAK PART ONE

Is it just me or did April 2014 get here alarmingly fast? I feel like just yesterday Nathan kissed me a happy New Year in the parking lot and now here we are! The middle of Spring Break! I usually go somewhere pretty cool for my spring breaks...like San Diego and Phoenix. Last year I went to Houston. This year I just stayed in Idaho, though.

Not a bad gig, since I get to hang out with that Nathan kid all week. It's pretty rad stuff.

He has been going to school and doing homework and playing Elder Scrolls Online (because he is the nerdiest). So basically what that means is I have been watching a borderline inappropriate amount of Disney movies. The old good ones. On VHS. OH YES.

I started with Lilo and Stitch (which was on Netflix, not VHS. I KNOW.) But that was just the beginning. Nathan has this closet in his dungeon basement full of old video cassettes. I was in elementary school Natalie's heaven in that closet.

After some Lilo, it was time for The Lion King. And you guys, this is how I know that Nathan is the perfect guy for me. Okay, we are having a conversation about something that I don't remember and I asked him a question and he answers through closed teeth "I'll show you when we get there." And if you don't understand why that is such a great thing, go watch the Lion King. Like, rightnowthissecond. I'm pretty sure we both sang along to all of the songs in this movie.

Then I put in 101 Dalmatians. Now, I love me some 101 Dalmatians. It was my absolute FAVORITE Disney movie when I was younger. I had Dalmatian sheets, a Dalmatian birthday cake, a Dalmatian quillow, Dalmatian stuffed animals, and I watched that movie probably six times a day. You only wish I was exaggerating. And while we're watching this movie and picking up on the adult humor you never catch as a child, Nathan remarks "This movie is so much better now!" (I tell you. This guy. He is constantly scoring all sorts of points with me. Will he ever stop being cool?)

When the Dalmatians had all been rescued, I put in Charlotte's Web. I used to walk around the house pretending that I was Fern. I'd say things like "Mama, where's Papa going with that axe?" And I would bring in an empty easter egg basket and act as if I had just collected eggs from our non existent chickens. I mean, talk about an over active imagination here. I had a glorious childhood. But I have to admit that Charlotte's Web is maybe not as good to watch as an adult...had I not been so attached to it as a child then I don't think I would have enjoyed it as much, if you know what I mean.

The next day, while Nathan was in class I watched everybody's favorite Mary Poppins. Which I think was made even sweeter since I have watched Saving Mr. Banks. (Which, if you haven't seen that movie, then it's another one that you have-to-need-to-no-excuses watch it as soon as humanly possible. Just, yes. Just do it.)

Since I watched my favorite Disney movie, I had to put in Nathan's. So the next movie on the list was Aladdin. Growing up, I didn't watch this movie. But Nathan knew all the songs and sang along, which was really funny for me and kind of made the whole movie more enjoyable. Also, I mean, the genie. That Robin Williams guy is one of my favorites.

And to round it out, I finished up with Anastacia. I give her a ha! and a hi-yah! and a woo-hah! and then I kick her, Sir! I hadn't watched Anastacia since I was eleven, so it was like watching an entirely new movie.

Right now, Nathan is with a team of students presenting a new product so I am taking a break from the reliving of my childhood. We will pick it back up though, probably with Beauty and The Beast. Nathan told me I couldn't watch that one until he was done with homework and everything so that he could actually sit and watch it. I think this is beyond hilarious. Isn't it usually the other way around here? HA.

So even though I didn't go somewhere exotic and I've been playing second fiddle to Nathan's computer, it hasn't been so bad. This is only the halfway point, too. Much more awesomeness to follow, I'm sure.

Plus, you know, hot tubs and boyfriends and well, the sun is shining now! THE SUN IS SHINING!