Nobody Said I Had To Like It

Today is my 20th birthday. The second birthday of mine that this little blog has been around for. It's a shame I won't be able to spend my birthday lazily lounging around making other people fetch me bottles of chilled water and grapes with cheese cubes on a silver platter while I tan by the pool. 

This is only because there is no pool. 


Oh, and also because my day will start with my alarm going off at precisely 7:02 am so that I can be in a classroom by 8 o'clock, and to work before 9:30. I get off at 1 o'clock, have enough time to do my art history homework before I head off to my three hour studio class that gets done around 5:20 so I can eat dinner around 6 o'clock in the evening to be at class again at 7 o'clock and I will finally be finished at 8:30 in the evening. 


You can snicker and make fun of me and say "but Natalie dearest, that's just life - and in the real world people don't care about your birthday so just suck it up because it's not going to change." 


And I say FORGET. YOU. 


Everybody deserves a day that's all about them and I haven't had one of those in a very long time. I want a day where I don't have to feel bad about not completing chores. I want a day where it's okay to just sit and watch a movie all snuggled up and not feel like I have somewhere to be, or that I'm forgetting to do something. I would love to have a day where people offered to willingly do things for me. That would be quite a change. 


But who am I fooling? Life will continue on as normal, I'll wake up like it's any other day. The only difference will be that instead of being a teenager, I'll be a "nothing" as my dad so lovingly referred to the age between 19 and 21 where you get no special privileges, but can't be grouped in with the teeny-boppers. 


Whatever. 


I'm gonna rock the 'nothing' year like there's no tomorrow. And at 8:30 pm I'm going to have fun. Maybe I'll go to Applebee's and only order dessert. Maybe I'll make Prince Charming and his roommates watch a horribly girly romantic comedy with me. Maybe I'll just go to bed and drift off to sleep and dream about being on a sandy beach in the sunshine. Whatever I feel like doing is fine with me. 


How did you ring in your 20th birthday? If you even remember ;)

Things I Don't Like

There are lots of things I'm scared of. Change, for one. Horror movies, occasionally the dark, failing my classes - to name a few. 

I hate change. Well, actually that's not entirely true. I'm picky about the change that I don't like. Sometimes change is good - like growing up, moving out of the house, becoming more independent. Some change makes me crazy, like new jobs, new people, new rules. 

New experiences frighten me a little. I usually have fun once I'm there, but sometimes I need a lot of convincing before I go out and do something. I'm generally okay with changing my hair - but I know that freaks some people out. But I'm hesitant to buy a new top in a style I think looks awesome on the hanger because I just don't know if it's me. I'm more likely to change my hair than my wardrobe. 

The dark isn't that scary unless I'm by myself and there's weird noises that insult my eardrums late at night. Or directly after I've watched a scary movie. I really don't watch many of those. They tend to mess with my brain parts and make me crazy for a few days afterwards. 

Relationships scare me too, while we're at it. Partially because they are always changing, always growing, and because I'm just entering into my twenties, I'm aware that many things change in this period of life. If you are going with someone then you have to conscious of whether or not you are growing in the same direction. It's a decision, mostly, I believe. You choose to grow together, or you drift apart. 

I hate drifting. 

Even in boats. 

But mostly, I hate feeling drifted and having no control. 

I think that stems from a fear of the unknown which is the bane of human existence. What's in the future? What's yet to come? What's around this corner? What's going to happen the next mile of road? 

Always. Wondering. 

But we never know. God didn't give us the ability to see around the corners. Some would argue that life would be far less entertaining if we knew what was going to happen every step of the way. 

What would we make movies about? We would never have plot twists! Everything would always be known. Would we enter in to relationships with people if we already knew the out come? 

Sometimes, it's not about the end of the journey. You can't just magically get somewhere with all the change and experience that goes along with the getting there. And that's what I'm so afraid of. 

The change and experience that comes with the getting there. 

That's the really scary part. Who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. The friends that I have now may not be the friends that are still with me in five years. The way I'm living right now will not be the way I'm living in the future. 

The unknown. The change. It's getting to me. 

I don't want to change too much. I don't want my relationships to grow in ways that I don't like. But things happen. God is in control and we are to cast all our cares upon him. It's said that when you finally give him everything that that's when you truly become free. 

I've heard the sermon plenty of times before. 

I've sung the songs. 

And it's true. When you give him your worries, He takes care of you. But then you get into another situation and you just don't want to take your monkey hand off the shiny item in the cage. I want to put my relationship with Prince-y in Jesus' hands, but I'm having such a hard time allowing myself to be okay with the possible outcomes. 

I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to give up. I'm not ready for it to potentially be over. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. 

I'm fighting for it. I'm fighting to keep it alive. And sometimes I feel like it's working. And sometimes I feel hopeless. But here's what I know:

I watched 500 Days of Summer and I don't want to be Tom. 

It's Complicated

So here I am. Just me. Just at school. Prince Charming and I may or may not be in a romantic relationship, but who's to judge? Other people have taken breaks and got back together, right? So it can happen to me too right?

Please say I'm right.

I don't want to be wrong.

I can't be wrong.

Not now.

We still talk. We're still friends. There is still a chance. I'm just tired of the ups and the downs and the not knowing what's going to happen next. I did that all summer and when I came to school I thought that was all behind me. I guess it's not.

I'm waiting. Patiently. Biding my time.

It's just annoying to see other couples walk care free on campus and look so happy, and be so in love and here I am, in this mess of a relationship, that I want to fix but can't do it by myself.

You know what I love?

Cuddling.

Yeah, I love that. I love being wrapped up in his arms. I also love holding hands. And walking next to him, holding his hand, looking at things and talking to people.

There is so much that I miss. I miss being able to see him whenever I wanted and not feel like I was intruding. I miss watching movies nestled against his slightly hairy chest (which I love). I miss lots of things, that for now, are gone.

I keep wondering if I should just give up. But I don't want to. I keep wondering if finding someone else would be a better option. But then I can't think of anyone that I would rather be with.

I keep thinking about how great Prince Charming fits in with my family, and how much they all love him, and I know that's something he's scared of losing. He likes my family. Sometimes he feels like we treat him better than his own family does.

And that may or may not be true. I know his family loves him, they just don't show love and affection the same way that my family does. They aren't a close knit family, and my family is. I call my mommy just to hear her voice sometimes, and he only calls his mother when absolutely necessary.

How can two people that are so wrapped up in each other's lives "take a break"? I can't go from being in a romantic relationship to being just friends in the blink of an eye. I need some time to recover. I need some time to think about whether or not I actually do want to be just friends. It's difficult right away, because there is this daily reminder of something I want so bad it hurts and can't have at the moment.

How do you deal with that? I mean, good gravy!

This "break" we are taking, this "time off", this "need of space" is not my idea, I'll have you know. I don't think we need it. I think I am fine. I think he is fine. I think we could be fine, but he over thinks things. He puts too much pressure on himself.

And this is what I think about daily.

He's worried about "how do you know you'll marry me?" when he shouldn't be worried about marriage at all. I think going to his brother's wedding scared him a little even if he won't admit it. I think it got him thinking about the future and about being happy and I think he started putting unnecessary pressure on our relationship.

But the good thing is, we are talking. We are communicating. We are emailing. We are working towards becoming 'together' again. Whether or not it happens remains to be seen. But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not single. I'm just in a very complicated relationship with someone who needs to clear his mind and get his stuff together so he can go back to being my wonderful boyfriend who loves me very much.

And I feel like school doesn't help the situation at all. I wish it was still summer vacation. But only the kind of summer vacation where I didn't have work everyday.

Beach Fun - I Heart Faces

This picture was totally staged for those of you holding back the urge to go into traumatic shock and call child protective services.

I was taking my brother's senior portraits and a bunch of his friends came along for the ride. This is just one of the many hilarious beach outtakes I captured. Makes me laugh every time!

(In case you were wondering, my brother is the one doing the choking. His best friend is the one with the crazy look on his face.)

My New Digs

I Promise I Didn't Fall Off The Face Of The Earth

I'm back at school. This summer was a whole bunch of ups and downs and inside outs. Work was hectic, the kids were crazy, relationships suffered, and let's just say I'm super glad it's over.

I'm scared for this year though. I'm scared of how school is going to go. I have another super tough art history class I'm taking from a super difficult teacher. I'm taking six classes and working part time. I'm living in a new building with girls that I don't know. I have a roommate. 

I'm scared of having another Belle type situation with my new roommate. I don't think that will happen, but I'm still scared that it will. 

I'm scared about Prince Charming. All the ups and downs we had this summer. I'm never working under neath a boyfriend again. It was too ridiculous, and way too stressful. Hopefully we've worked everything out, but underneath it all, I'm still frightened about how things might turn out. 

Worrying is something that I shouldn't be doing. God is in control and He's got a plan and things will work themselves out with His timing. This is something that I really need to work on. Trusting Him.  

On the plus side, since I'm back at school my postings should be more regular. I'm sorry I was gone for-freaking-ever! Don't hate me! I'll get better. I promise. 

Look, here's a picture to prove that I'll make good on my promise. 

(my brother's the one doing the goofy bird pose)

TheKeeper Jumps

Best. Silhouette. Ever. 

My Little Brother Isn't Little Anymore

This is my little brother, TheKeeper.

I once dared him to jump out of a second story window and he did it. He was around seven I think.

He used to be littler than me. And then he turned twelve.

We're only two years apart.

His eyes are two different colors.

He basically thinks he's awesome.

He wants to become a youth pastor.

He's super good at math, and I'm super not.

We can have entire conversations in movie quotes.

He always makes me laugh.

I love spending time with him. But we never spend enough time together.

He has some of the best friends ever. It's like having extra little extremely witty brothers that aren't actually related to me. 

Oh brother, this is your last year of high school. And then you are going to graduate. You will be almost all grown up, and at 6'2" I don't know how much more you can actually grow. Thanks for letting me take your senior pictures. 

Love you bunches

Your BIG Sister :) 

August Means I'm Leaving the Teen Years Behind Forever

Summer is almost over. I just have a few weeks left to rot day campers' brains and teach them all sorts of bad habits to torture their parental units with.

In a few weeks I will be turning 20.

I'm also going to enter some photography in the fair this year. The bee picture is one of my favorites. I'm pretty sure I will print it out in an 8x10 with an 11x14 matte so I can compete with adults way better than I am at photography.

And maybe I'll win, but I'm not holding my breath.

Thursday I'm headed to Portland with Prince Charming's parents and sister. He's going down the day before, so this should be interesting. Girl bonding time? We are going to go get 15 dollar pedicures while we're there. What better thing to bond over, besides maybe alcohol? Kidding.

Kinda.

Anyway, it will be fun. I have three different dresses I'm bringing, and I bought new shoes yesterday. I just might actually be a girl after all.

Okay, but now I have a dilemma. Do I keep my hair blonde and just cut it, or do I color it? I'm wondering if I should go darker for school?

Thoughts?