The Home Stretch Is The Hardest

Dudes, my life has been a flurry of motion lately. And let me tell you just that I am completely exhausted. I was trying to figure out exactly what has been going on with me and I believe I'm in what's called a "funk." Yes, that word just seems to fit perfectly.

I have been down on myself for feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not this enough or that enough and it has just not been good for my self esteem. In fact, it's rightly driving me nuts, because it's silly to think those things about myself. I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, this enough, that enough, you know how it is. I know, I mean, I know. But still I continue to wonder, to doubt, to worry.

I am just tired of school and anything that has to do with school and class and grades. I get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do this semester. If I'm not careful, I will drive myself crazy with trying to do everything all at once. The end of this semester is rapidly approaching and I have so much work to crank out that I just feel like there is a boulder dangling right above my head and it's about to fall and crush my skull in any minute now. I want so much to just get away from here, to get out of this town, out of this bad weather and leave it all behind, never look back. I need some sunshine, some vacation time, and more Jesus. Jesus all the time!

Spring break was just not long enough. It was nice, almost too nice because it was 80 degrees and sunny the entire week. But I needed more than just a week. I need a month, or two. Or three. Maybe a year. And call me selfish, but I don't want to wait until after I graduate to take that break. I only have to keep pushing through until December, but good gravy that feels so far away right now. It feels like it will never get here and I will be perpetually stuck in this endless cycle of artwork, homework, and exhaustion. This semester ends in May and then I will have to take two summer courses until the end of June and right now, I just don't want to. Not even a little bit.

You know, I have been at this whole school thing since I was five. I had literally just turned five when I started kindergarten and I haven't had a break since. I don't know if you know this, but I'm 21 now. That 16 years I've been going to class and completing homework. And then I thought it was a smart idea to major in education, so I will become a teacher and be stuck in a school forever.

I feel like I will never escape and right now I'm questioning whether or not this is what I really want, because right now I'm not convinced. I want to travel and photograph and paint and draw and not be accountable for a little while. I look around at my friends who are married and have families and I think that that is not something I want right now. I'd love to be married and have a traveling buddy who will just take off with me and have crazy inside jokes and love Jesus, but I don't think I could have a family. I'm not ready to try my hand at being mom. I'm not ready to give up my freedom. No one is asking me to do that, it's just thoughts that come into my head.

I just need some time off from everything. I want to sleep in until I can't sleep anymore. I want to get out of town and be somewhere where no one expects anything from me. Well, that might not exactly be true, but I definitely want all this pressure off of my shoulders. If I could just drop everything and move away right now, I'd probably do it. But then this little conscience of mine tells me that I can do it, I can make it to December and then I can take all the time off from school I need. I can go wherever I want to and be whoever I want to be.

So I push onwards and upwards. God, please help December just get here already.

Spring Break 2012

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I didn't want spring break to be over. Ever. 

let me spell it all out for you

There exist only two photos on this planet in which there is both the SVI and myself. I tell you, only two.

SVI called it off a while ago, and we are fine. Or so I thought. Saturday night was full of Mardi Gras celebrations all over town, and I went out with the wonderful Tiger Lilly to have some fun. We made it to CJs where there was a ten dollar cover charge. Ten dollars! I mean, can you believe it? We weren't going to pay that much, but SVI told Tiger Lilly he'd pay for her to get in, so well, what could I do?

Only, no one told him I would be there.

But Tiger Lilly and I figured, no big deal. Right? We are both okay. We are both over it. And well, I was perfectly at ease with the situation until Tiger Lilly looked at me with fear in her eyes and shook her head. She walked over to me and relayed the information that SVI had made everything "instantly weird" once he was aware that I was standing a short ways behind him.

Instantly weird.

No one expected him to react that way. He bolted before saying anything to me and before I could say anything to him. So I downed my long island iced tea and told Tiger Lilly that if things were going to be this way I was just going to leave. No sense in hanging out with someone who clearly wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

I decided that I should confront him about this though, because after all, he told me he hoped we could remain friends. Well, I don't know about you but "remaining friends" with an ex means that when you are in public it's okay to go over and say hello, how have you been, good to see you, etc. Smile, wave, nod, something. It shouldn't be scary. You shouldn't be worried about avoiding confrontation. Being friends does not mean hanging out all the time, being alone just the two of you, texting every day or any type of overly clingy interaction.

SVI and I did not have a painful separation. We did not date for very long. We are not mad or upset with each other. All break ups suck, but ours was pretty mild on the devastation radar.

You can imagine my confusion when after I had confronted him about the reason for which he did not have the decency to acknowledge my existence was that he was avoiding me on purpose because he didn't want to have an awkward confrontation with me.

So I asked him, why? Was I some painful memory to him that he did not wish to deal with? I mean, I paid ten dollars to have a drink with myself for Pete's sake.

And he was all about how I wasn't a painful memory at all, he just didn't know that I was going to be there and it surprised him. He thought I was there with other friends, not Tiger Lilly. He didn't know I'd seen him, so he went downstairs. Which makes me think, how fine is he really? I am a human being, not the plague. I don't expect him to be 'buddy-buddy' with me after the history we have together, but I certainly didn't expect to be shunned either.

I don't think he understands the point I was trying to make. He is hung up on the fact that he thought I was with my own friends and didn't want any part of what he was doing. I get where he's coming from but at the same time, would it have killed him to say hello? Especially when I was standing three feet away from him, ordering a drink?

No. No, it wouldn't have killed him to be civil and smile. It's not a big deal. I'm not scary, you guys, I'm just a girl. I just wish I knew that he understood my point. Say hi to me. Smile and wave. You don't have to make a big show out of it, but if we're in the same place at the same time, it doesn't have to be awkward or scary. He shouldn't be worried about a confrontation. It should be completely one hundred percent okay to have a small interaction with me or even spend time together in a group setting.

He texted me this morning to make sure I understood that he thinks "it's fine if we hang out with everyone, saturday night was different. i thought you didn't want to see us at all and you were with your own friends. Are we cool?"

"Yeah, we're cool." Was all I responded with. I wanted to try explaining myself again and why I was a little hurt that he so clearly wanted nothing to do with me that night, but I didn't think it was worth it. Now I'm kind of wishing I had because it's past one o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep because this is all I'm thinking about. And then because I'm thinking about this it makes me think about him, and then I get a little teary because I miss all the fun we had last semester.

I was so easily accepted into that tight knit circle of friends. No questions asked, no bones about it. I was one of them. I loved it there. I love all those crazy kids. I love all the late nights, new adventures, and neat stories. I am a different person because of it. I am forever affected by it. SVI helped save me from myself and I don't think he knows that. God put him in my life for a reason, he was here to serve a purpose.

There is a part of me that wonders if our story is really over. I have this weird feeling that we're not quite done yet. However, at the same time, I'm not pushing anything. Life unfolds in its own weird way and no one knows what God has planned. I quit trying to figure things a while ago. I decided that I like being surprised and also that God knows what's best. If I just let Him handle everything, it will all be okay.

Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Move on.

wear the rainbow...on your head!

I have been pinning a lot lately, and I found this post about how to color your hair with chalk pastels. I followed her tutorial tonight to see if it really worked. And guess what? Success!

before.

after.

I used red, blue, and purple, but it's hard to see anything except the red in my picture. What's really important here though is that now I have a way to color my hair whenever I'm gonna go out on the town. So instead of painting the town red, I can paint my hair. No big deal. 

Next time I'll have a little better idea of exactly what color I'm going to put where, tonight was mostly an experiment. And plus, if you hate it, you can just wash it out. Or brush it out.