Tuesday, March 6, 2012

let me spell it all out for you

There exist only two photos on this planet in which there is both the SVI and myself. I tell you, only two.

SVI called it off a while ago, and we are fine. Or so I thought. Saturday night was full of Mardi Gras celebrations all over town, and I went out with the wonderful Tiger Lilly to have some fun. We made it to CJs where there was a ten dollar cover charge. Ten dollars! I mean, can you believe it? We weren't going to pay that much, but SVI told Tiger Lilly he'd pay for her to get in, so well, what could I do?

Only, no one told him I would be there.

But Tiger Lilly and I figured, no big deal. Right? We are both okay. We are both over it. And well, I was perfectly at ease with the situation until Tiger Lilly looked at me with fear in her eyes and shook her head. She walked over to me and relayed the information that SVI had made everything "instantly weird" once he was aware that I was standing a short ways behind him.

Instantly weird.

No one expected him to react that way. He bolted before saying anything to me and before I could say anything to him. So I downed my long island iced tea and told Tiger Lilly that if things were going to be this way I was just going to leave. No sense in hanging out with someone who clearly wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

I decided that I should confront him about this though, because after all, he told me he hoped we could remain friends. Well, I don't know about you but "remaining friends" with an ex means that when you are in public it's okay to go over and say hello, how have you been, good to see you, etc. Smile, wave, nod, something. It shouldn't be scary. You shouldn't be worried about avoiding confrontation. Being friends does not mean hanging out all the time, being alone just the two of you, texting every day or any type of overly clingy interaction.

SVI and I did not have a painful separation. We did not date for very long. We are not mad or upset with each other. All break ups suck, but ours was pretty mild on the devastation radar.

You can imagine my confusion when after I had confronted him about the reason for which he did not have the decency to acknowledge my existence was that he was avoiding me on purpose because he didn't want to have an awkward confrontation with me.

So I asked him, why? Was I some painful memory to him that he did not wish to deal with? I mean, I paid ten dollars to have a drink with myself for Pete's sake.

And he was all about how I wasn't a painful memory at all, he just didn't know that I was going to be there and it surprised him. He thought I was there with other friends, not Tiger Lilly. He didn't know I'd seen him, so he went downstairs. Which makes me think, how fine is he really? I am a human being, not the plague. I don't expect him to be 'buddy-buddy' with me after the history we have together, but I certainly didn't expect to be shunned either.

I don't think he understands the point I was trying to make. He is hung up on the fact that he thought I was with my own friends and didn't want any part of what he was doing. I get where he's coming from but at the same time, would it have killed him to say hello? Especially when I was standing three feet away from him, ordering a drink?

No. No, it wouldn't have killed him to be civil and smile. It's not a big deal. I'm not scary, you guys, I'm just a girl. I just wish I knew that he understood my point. Say hi to me. Smile and wave. You don't have to make a big show out of it, but if we're in the same place at the same time, it doesn't have to be awkward or scary. He shouldn't be worried about a confrontation. It should be completely one hundred percent okay to have a small interaction with me or even spend time together in a group setting.

He texted me this morning to make sure I understood that he thinks "it's fine if we hang out with everyone, saturday night was different. i thought you didn't want to see us at all and you were with your own friends. Are we cool?"

"Yeah, we're cool." Was all I responded with. I wanted to try explaining myself again and why I was a little hurt that he so clearly wanted nothing to do with me that night, but I didn't think it was worth it. Now I'm kind of wishing I had because it's past one o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep because this is all I'm thinking about. And then because I'm thinking about this it makes me think about him, and then I get a little teary because I miss all the fun we had last semester.

I was so easily accepted into that tight knit circle of friends. No questions asked, no bones about it. I was one of them. I loved it there. I love all those crazy kids. I love all the late nights, new adventures, and neat stories. I am a different person because of it. I am forever affected by it. SVI helped save me from myself and I don't think he knows that. God put him in my life for a reason, he was here to serve a purpose.

There is a part of me that wonders if our story is really over. I have this weird feeling that we're not quite done yet. However, at the same time, I'm not pushing anything. Life unfolds in its own weird way and no one knows what God has planned. I quit trying to figure things a while ago. I decided that I like being surprised and also that God knows what's best. If I just let Him handle everything, it will all be okay.

Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Move on.


  1. I don't really think it has as much to do with you as it does with him. He was trying to "hit" on your friend Tiger Lily. Since he offered to pay for her to go it would have been an impromptu date if she had shown up by herself. Now when he saw you he thought his chance was blown and probably didn't want to make a fool of himself. But honestly I don't think you did anything wrong. It's just his expectations of the situation got changed and he didn't handle it very well.

    I'm sure if you had shown up with another guy or girl friend he probably would have been "cooler".

    But I wouldn't dwell to much on it. You're better off without him anyways. :)

  2. Boys my own age or even close to it were always so immature. That is why I dated older guys once I got in high school. Being the oldest, I was more mature than most and "boys" immaturity and baby actions drove me nuts. Once I found gramps, I knew my "looking" days were over. Your heart knows. God has someone who isn't a "baby" in mind for you. We no nonsense, German type women need someone stronger to lean on. I never had time for boys who wanted to "lean on" me. I love you. Oma

  3. @natalie: i know for a fact he wasn't trying to hit on tiger lilly because they were friends long before i came a long and she actually used to date his brother. but i agree that it probably does have more to do with him than it does me. and someday it will be okay to run into each other somewhere. :)

    @Oma: i love you too. :)

  4. On the bright side, nice seeing you at the gym! *continues to work on Kratos body*

  5. Well, just from my personal experience here, and I could be as far off as Pluto is from Mercury.

    He may have been initially more invested than he led on to be, and maybe it kinda hit him after you broke up that he made a mistake.. Cause I'm in a similar boat, in that I'm pretending to be fine and pretending to be better off and happy to her, but really I'm hurting a bunch inside...

    So that maybe the case with him.. but who knows..


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