let me spell it all out for you

There exist only two photos on this planet in which there is both the SVI and myself. I tell you, only two.

SVI called it off a while ago, and we are fine. Or so I thought. Saturday night was full of Mardi Gras celebrations all over town, and I went out with the wonderful Tiger Lilly to have some fun. We made it to CJs where there was a ten dollar cover charge. Ten dollars! I mean, can you believe it? We weren't going to pay that much, but SVI told Tiger Lilly he'd pay for her to get in, so well, what could I do?

Only, no one told him I would be there.

But Tiger Lilly and I figured, no big deal. Right? We are both okay. We are both over it. And well, I was perfectly at ease with the situation until Tiger Lilly looked at me with fear in her eyes and shook her head. She walked over to me and relayed the information that SVI had made everything "instantly weird" once he was aware that I was standing a short ways behind him.

Instantly weird.

No one expected him to react that way. He bolted before saying anything to me and before I could say anything to him. So I downed my long island iced tea and told Tiger Lilly that if things were going to be this way I was just going to leave. No sense in hanging out with someone who clearly wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

I decided that I should confront him about this though, because after all, he told me he hoped we could remain friends. Well, I don't know about you but "remaining friends" with an ex means that when you are in public it's okay to go over and say hello, how have you been, good to see you, etc. Smile, wave, nod, something. It shouldn't be scary. You shouldn't be worried about avoiding confrontation. Being friends does not mean hanging out all the time, being alone just the two of you, texting every day or any type of overly clingy interaction.

SVI and I did not have a painful separation. We did not date for very long. We are not mad or upset with each other. All break ups suck, but ours was pretty mild on the devastation radar.

You can imagine my confusion when after I had confronted him about the reason for which he did not have the decency to acknowledge my existence was that he was avoiding me on purpose because he didn't want to have an awkward confrontation with me.

So I asked him, why? Was I some painful memory to him that he did not wish to deal with? I mean, I paid ten dollars to have a drink with myself for Pete's sake.

And he was all about how I wasn't a painful memory at all, he just didn't know that I was going to be there and it surprised him. He thought I was there with other friends, not Tiger Lilly. He didn't know I'd seen him, so he went downstairs. Which makes me think, how fine is he really? I am a human being, not the plague. I don't expect him to be 'buddy-buddy' with me after the history we have together, but I certainly didn't expect to be shunned either.

I don't think he understands the point I was trying to make. He is hung up on the fact that he thought I was with my own friends and didn't want any part of what he was doing. I get where he's coming from but at the same time, would it have killed him to say hello? Especially when I was standing three feet away from him, ordering a drink?

No. No, it wouldn't have killed him to be civil and smile. It's not a big deal. I'm not scary, you guys, I'm just a girl. I just wish I knew that he understood my point. Say hi to me. Smile and wave. You don't have to make a big show out of it, but if we're in the same place at the same time, it doesn't have to be awkward or scary. He shouldn't be worried about a confrontation. It should be completely one hundred percent okay to have a small interaction with me or even spend time together in a group setting.

He texted me this morning to make sure I understood that he thinks "it's fine if we hang out with everyone, saturday night was different. i thought you didn't want to see us at all and you were with your own friends. Are we cool?"

"Yeah, we're cool." Was all I responded with. I wanted to try explaining myself again and why I was a little hurt that he so clearly wanted nothing to do with me that night, but I didn't think it was worth it. Now I'm kind of wishing I had because it's past one o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep because this is all I'm thinking about. And then because I'm thinking about this it makes me think about him, and then I get a little teary because I miss all the fun we had last semester.

I was so easily accepted into that tight knit circle of friends. No questions asked, no bones about it. I was one of them. I loved it there. I love all those crazy kids. I love all the late nights, new adventures, and neat stories. I am a different person because of it. I am forever affected by it. SVI helped save me from myself and I don't think he knows that. God put him in my life for a reason, he was here to serve a purpose.

There is a part of me that wonders if our story is really over. I have this weird feeling that we're not quite done yet. However, at the same time, I'm not pushing anything. Life unfolds in its own weird way and no one knows what God has planned. I quit trying to figure things a while ago. I decided that I like being surprised and also that God knows what's best. If I just let Him handle everything, it will all be okay.

Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Move on.

Funk

Today has been emotionally draining.

After I cleaned up all of my suite mate's crap and dirty clothes that she likes to leave as presents for other people to move, there was the obvious confrontation. It's not my job to pick up her stuff. I shouldn't have to ask her to do it. Everyone else manages to keep their stuff in their rooms.

She was defensive, naturally. Making like it was a ridiculous request to wish for a clean living room, and laughing at me about it. Things were said and done from both parties that shouldn't have - but such are the consequences of high emotions. Tears over my chicken ceaser salad with craisins. What's not to love? The conflict is still not totally resolved and I think it will be a little while before all the awkwardness is behind us, but honestly I'm tired of putting up with her bras displayed for everyone to see upon entering our suite. And I'm not the only one.

And then after dinner I teased Prince Charming a little more than he was willing to take, so an argument ensued followed by my running away to the local coffee shop for an hour. Apologies were made, forgiveness was granted, and Wendy's was purchased as a late night snack.

I still have some homework to do, but you know when you're just in too much of a funk to focus on anything and you just won't be okay until you've written everything out? That's how I feel at this very moment. My mind is just teaming with thoughts about various things that happened - almost none of which I am happy about except that the living room is finally clean. Although only God knows how long it will stay that way.

It's like today is just a bad day. You have those every once in while - everyone does. Like, even if not everything was horrible, it just feels like it was. Like nothing went entirely the way it was supposed to and at the end of the day you're just in this mood that you can't really describe and have no cure for.

Usually what helps with days like today is soft cuddles and someone to tell me that I'm really not a bad or horrible person, but I haven't got either of those today. Maybe tomorrow will be better, you think?