A VERY VALENTINE'S POST

So let's talk about Valentine's day...because why not?

I wasn't initially going to go to work on Friday, but then stuff and things happened and I ended up going in anyway because it's just easier that way. Except it made me try to cram all the things I was going to spend my Friday morning doing into Thursday afternoon and I ended up spending five hours cleaning all the parts of my house. Yay productivity!

Nathan showed up Friday afternoon after I got back home from work. I kept looking out the window to see if his truck was in the parking lot yet, but after four or five looks I gave up and turned on Desperate Housewives (yeah, I know). But then I heard my front door open and there was my favorite boy along with a giant bouquet of flowers and a chocolate bar. He hadn't even been in my apartment for five minutes and already is was better than the last six years of Valentine's days combined.

And then we went to the grocery store for jalapeños because that's how we roll. And also because my sister was making jalapeño chocolate cupcakes with lime frosting and if you've never had those before then I suggest you change that right now because chocolate and spicy is just pure awesome in your mouth. Trust me.

Anyway, Nathan got us dinner reservations for 6:30 but I had no idea where we were going which just made it all the more fun, right? We got dressed up and went out for drinks downtown before dinner. I mean, this guy knows what I like.

Which he just proved even more when I found out that we were headed out for a sushi dinner. Oh my gosh sushi is probably...well, if I could only eat one thing for the rest of my life it would be sushi. The restaurant we were at was super crowded and a little understaffed so we ended up waiting a long time for our food to come out of the kitchen. On the plus side though we were seated at a booth, which I like a lot better than being across from each other in chairs. I like to sit next to Nathan, what can I say. It was awesome.

We finished the night watching some Netflix before going to bed. It was maybe what I might consider the best Valentine's Day in the history of my life. High five Nathan. Happy Valentine's Day, I love you!

And Saturday we spent skiing with my family and some really good friends. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a dream land and it's basically the best thing ever.

IS IT FRIDAY YET

Is it just me, or is this week going by slower than molasses in winter? Tuesday felt like Wednesday, Wednesday felt like Thursday and today feels like Friday and it is really making me crazy. This might have something to do with the fact that I haven't been drinking coffee all week...but let's not be too quick to judge.

These kids, man. I feel like we all have an intense case of cabin fever and it's not even March yet. And also maybe I work in what could be construed as a mental institution. Sometimes I feel like I'm just supervising certifiably insane children and herding them in the direction of art making. Some days are really painful and other days are really rewarding, but when you start out with Tuesdays that feel like Wednesdays it's pretty much just all uphill from there.

But on a different note, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and well, I'm actually looking forward to it for the first time in probably six years. It's a weird feeling, because for a really long time I've only ever hated this holiday and I've never wanted to really acknowledge that it even exists. I mean, there is this romantic sappy girl I've shoved down deep inside of me who always wanted to feel important to someone on Valentine's Day, but I quit listening to her years and years ago. And now it might be looking up for her. I mean, we'll see what happens, right?

And now for something else entirely, pictures.

yep, i changed my hair. i debated between lightening it and darkening it and decided to go darker. more mysterious that way ;) 

the first valentine i received this year! from one of my students. and she drew me an octopus with a daily odd compliment. it's like she knows me or something!

And these are some examples of student work in my advanced art class. they entered a competition at the UI with the theme "STEAM" 

NOT SO GREAT EXPECTATIONS

The difference a year makes can be so outrageous, right? Last year at this time I was in such a different place. I was still riding the graduation high and working in the library. I was reading books, supervising basketball games during lunch and keeping the computer lab neat and organized.

I was dreaming about what it would be like to be an art teacher and wondering where my life would take me. Possibilities were really endless, which was also incredibly scary. I tried so very hard to be brave and take it one step at a time.

And then, this same weekend last year, a huge bomb was dropped on me. It made for an exciting roller coaster of a year - but not nearly as enjoyable as a real roller coaster. In fact, it kind of sucked. But I held my head up and I put one foot in front of the other and I kept moving forward.

Eventually everything righted itself, but it took a lot of time. And while I was in the midst of the turmoil, Valentine's Day happened. (Which, if you're new around here you might not know that it is my absolute without a doubt least favorite holiday in the history of ever.) And a couple days ago when Nathan brought up the fact that Valentine's Day was soon, my chest got a little tight.

He says "UHH OHHH. Valentine's Day is coming up!!"

Oh yes, I am fully aware of this, seeing as how it is a day that I loathe with insurmountable passion. Valentine's Day is supposed to be special, but no one has ever made me feel that way. And I'm such a grump about it that I don't do anything for myself either because, obviously.

When Matt and I were still dating we were incredibly poor. We were first year college students and going out to dinner or buying gifts was a little beyond our resources. So instead of doing little things we just did nothing. Totally lame. And our second Valentine's together was equally horrible. We exchanged small gifts and I think that was it. It was basically the stupidest, in my opinion. And then the next year we had broken up in January, so it was an even worse Valentine's Day because I was still pining away at this boy who had broken my heart.

The Valentine's Day after that happened right after Jordan and I parted ways. I spent it in Pullman helping the kids at church make some cute little cards with foam letters and kissy lip stickers. And then I probably went home and watched Netflix with my roommate.

Last year, I think, made me hate Valentine's Day even more that I already had. Nathan had just broken up with me making that the third January in a row I had been dumped. I wanted to punch Valentine's Day in the throat and become my own version of Miss Havisham. I wanted to kick every mushy lovestruck couple I saw and burn all of the romantic movies I owned. Love was stupid.

All I wanted was someone to take me out to dinner, buy me some flowers and tell me they loved me. I didn't really care who did it, but I think all that really happened was that I cuddled with my dog and watched movies.

This year I don't really know what to expect. Nathan asked me if there was anything I wanted to do for Valentine's day, but I didn't really know what to say. I'd love to have someone (read: not me) plan a really cool date where all I have to do is show up, look pretty and have a fantastic time. But then I worry about all the other people that are going to be out celebrating and will there be anything to do that's not already all booked and what if it just turns out to be this huge disappointment because I was expecting something awesome and it never happened. There's a lot of pressure there, you know?

So I'm trying to not have expectations built up in my head. I'm trying to resign myself to the idea that even if all that happens is staying in and watching movies that I will be okay as long as I actually get to be next to Nathan instead of in a different town.

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(But if I'm being honest, I really want to be surprised. No pressure, babe.)

that v-word is the cruelest

The beginning months of every year are totally the lamest. January is long and bleak with nothing to really look forward to and somehow it's the month of impending breakups also. And then there's February which is just the stupidest reminder for all of my failed Januaries.

Especially because February comes with my least favorite day of the entire year.

Valentine's Day.

It's really the grossest.

In my whole entire life I've never had a positive Valentine's Day experience. When PC and I were together we were too poor to do anything so it was always kind of a let down. Then after that I was just by myself. Forever alone. For three years in a row now. I was hoping this year would be different, but it actually turned out just like I feared it would.

How sad is that?

So I'm just hoping that Thursday goes by unnoticed and I don't have to see too many googly eyed couples all lovingly holding on to one another while I cuddle with my dog and drown my sorrows in action movies and a glass of wine.

Maybe some year I will like Singles Awareness Day, but this year is not that year.

To distract myself from all of this negative nonsense I think about how my puppy is getting big! I remember when I used to be able to fit her just on the inside of my jacket - my cute little runt of the litter! And now she's 26 pounds of black fur and adorableness.

Plus I was able to visit TheKeeper in Seattle this past weekend. We went skiing and ate at a fancy restaurant way out of our price range. (Thanks Mom and Dad!)

Also, sunsets. Those are the best.

May your February be infinitely cooler than mine and have a happy Valentine's Day - I just don't want to hear about it. 

what i want

Valentine's Day is probably by far my least favorite holiday. When I've had a boyfriend on V-Day it was always "do we celebrate? do we ignore? we're too poor to go out..." and it was frustrating. And when I've been single, everyone loves to show off their wonderful relationships. A lot of my friends are married too and all I see on Facebook is "OH EM GEE HE BOUGHT ME FLOWERS! AND CHOCOLATE! AND HE'S THE BEST EVER!" And I just want to gouge my eyeballs out.

I know that God has someone out there for me who is perfectly planned to fit into my life seamlessly and that I am perfectly planned to fit seamlessly into someone else's life as well. And I'm fully aware that I am waiting for God's perfect timing. I will not be sorry that I waited for this wonderful man and I pray for him daily.

I wrote out all of the things that I want in a guy, because I spent all yesterday thinking about it.

I want:

I want someone who's not afraid to run wild with me. I want someone who will hug me when I'm mad, hold me when I'm sad and love me when I'm whiny. I want someone who is excited to wake up next to me every morning and kiss my face hello. I want someone who couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else ever. I want someone who gets my humor and laughs at my jokes. I want someone who encourages me to be myself, who instills confidence and boosts my self esteem. I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful in every way imaginable.

I want someone who is motivated, intelligent, funny, silly, godly, loving and caring. I want someone who will strive for what he wants in life. I want a leader, a bodyguard, a tender soul and a tough guy. I want him to make Jesus number one and me number two.

I want a guy who's not going to give up or get gone. I want someone faithful, honest, and around. I want someone who will pick me over all the other girls. I want someone who I just know has to be a gift from God. I want someone adventurous and outdoorsy. I want someone who knows what he's doing or at least acts like it. I want someone who will take care of me.

I want someone who isn't afraid to be seen with me in public. I want someone who will show me off to the world and brag about how awesome I am. And I want someone that I can say all those same things about too. I want someone who loves me more and more and more the longer he is with me. And I want him not to be afraid to show it.

And someday I'm going to have that. And it will be awesome. And the stuff dreams are made of. And it will be work. Love is a choice, a commitment, a way of life - not just a feeling. But I want it so bad. I want to be loved so bad that sometimes it hurts to watch everyone else be so happy.

But you know what? I am glad to be in the place that I am right now. At least I'm trying to be. I'm here for a reason, single for a reason. I think I have to get to a place where I am fully accepting of how life is right now and that will only come through praying and relying on God to make the best choices. Because when you try to take control, things just get messy. It's always better when you put your troubles in God's hands. He always knows exactly what to do.

Valentine's Day

Entirely appropriate? 

I think so!