I was dreaming about what it would be like to be an art teacher and wondering where my life would take me. Possibilities were really endless, which was also incredibly scary. I tried so very hard to be brave and take it one step at a time.
And then, this same weekend last year, a huge bomb was dropped on me. It made for an exciting roller coaster of a year - but not nearly as enjoyable as a real roller coaster. In fact, it kind of sucked. But I held my head up and I put one foot in front of the other and I kept moving forward.
Eventually everything righted itself, but it took a lot of time. And while I was in the midst of the turmoil, Valentine's Day happened. (Which, if you're new around here you might not know that it is my absolute without a doubt least favorite holiday in the history of ever.) And a couple days ago when Nathan brought up the fact that Valentine's Day was soon, my chest got a little tight.
He says "UHH OHHH. Valentine's Day is coming up!!"
Oh yes, I am fully aware of this, seeing as how it is a day that I loathe with insurmountable passion. Valentine's Day is supposed to be special, but no one has ever made me feel that way. And I'm such a grump about it that I don't do anything for myself either because, obviously.
When Matt and I were still dating we were incredibly poor. We were first year college students and going out to dinner or buying gifts was a little beyond our resources. So instead of doing little things we just did nothing. Totally lame. And our second Valentine's together was equally horrible. We exchanged small gifts and I think that was it. It was basically the stupidest, in my opinion. And then the next year we had broken up in January, so it was an even worse Valentine's Day because I was still pining away at this boy who had broken my heart.
The Valentine's Day after that happened right after Jordan and I parted ways. I spent it in Pullman helping the kids at church make some cute little cards with foam letters and kissy lip stickers. And then I probably went home and watched Netflix with my roommate.
Last year, I think, made me hate Valentine's Day even more that I already had. Nathan had just broken up with me making that the third January in a row I had been dumped. I wanted to punch Valentine's Day in the throat and become my own version of Miss Havisham. I wanted to kick every mushy lovestruck couple I saw and burn all of the romantic movies I owned. Love was stupid.
All I wanted was someone to take me out to dinner, buy me some flowers and tell me they loved me. I didn't really care who did it, but I think all that really happened was that I cuddled with my dog and watched movies.
This year I don't really know what to expect. Nathan asked me if there was anything I wanted to do for Valentine's day, but I didn't really know what to say. I'd love to have someone (read: not me) plan a really cool date where all I have to do is show up, look pretty and have a fantastic time. But then I worry about all the other people that are going to be out celebrating and will there be anything to do that's not already all booked and what if it just turns out to be this huge disappointment because I was expecting something awesome and it never happened. There's a lot of pressure there, you know?
So I'm trying to not have expectations built up in my head. I'm trying to resign myself to the idea that even if all that happens is staying in and watching movies that I will be okay as long as I actually get to be next to Nathan instead of in a different town.
(But if I'm being honest, I really want to be surprised. No pressure, babe.)