SECOND SEMESTER

We have just entered into the second semester of the year here at school. And you guys, I don't want to jinx it or anything, but I am starting to feel like an actual teacher.

With the changing of the semester came a new group of students. Most of my classes are made up of the same students, but I have a fair amount of fresh meat to work with as well. Honestly, I was nervous about this change over. I didn't want to lose some of the students that I loved and I certainly wasn't looking forward to meeting new students. In my head were thousands of worst-case scenarios. Are these students going to be well behaved? Is it going to be a battle to get them to do what I say? What if they are mean and I have to send them out of the room?

Thankfully I can sit here and tell you that none of those things happened. Granted it's still just the first week, but so far, so good. What I didn't really realize before the end of the first semester was that this new semester was going to bring with it a chance to re-do some of my classroom policies that didn't work out so well during the first semester.

I started out mean, you guys. I have been very strict this week, especially with my fifth period class because it's my largest amount of students in my smaller room. I am trying to be scary and make some of them think this isn't going to be a fun class or an easy class. So far none of them have left - but they are all seemingly very well behaved. (Watch, after I publish this they are going to become crazy monkey and I will have to retract my statements. HA.)

It has been good for my soul, though. Reiterating cleaning policies and warm-up drawing policies has been good for everyone and it's helping my classes to run smoother as well. Actually, I have quite enjoyed this first week of newness so we'll see how long this nice feeling lasts. I'm not behind on lesson planning or grading yet, so my anxiety level is real low. It's good. It's real good. I've needed this.

And I am so very glad it's Thursday. Tomorrow I am heading to M-town because it's Nathan's birthday weekend! Yay!

Also related to Nathan but not quite is the amazing fact that this is the first January in three years that there hasn't been a breakup post on my blog. Also, you have no idea how nervous I am about saying that because there is one more day of January before it's officially official. But you know, it's not that I believe Nathan is going to break up with me tomorrow - it's just that when it's happened to me every January for three years in a row there is this part of my brain that hangs on to that nervousness even if I don't want it to. It's like I've been slightly on edge all month and I will be glad once it's finally February. Isn't that completely silly? But that's my life.

So, changing the subject, happy Thursday everyone!

 this sweater is older than i am. just so you know.

i found the perfect valentine for nathan :)  

NOT SO GREAT EXPECTATIONS

The difference a year makes can be so outrageous, right? Last year at this time I was in such a different place. I was still riding the graduation high and working in the library. I was reading books, supervising basketball games during lunch and keeping the computer lab neat and organized.

I was dreaming about what it would be like to be an art teacher and wondering where my life would take me. Possibilities were really endless, which was also incredibly scary. I tried so very hard to be brave and take it one step at a time.

And then, this same weekend last year, a huge bomb was dropped on me. It made for an exciting roller coaster of a year - but not nearly as enjoyable as a real roller coaster. In fact, it kind of sucked. But I held my head up and I put one foot in front of the other and I kept moving forward.

Eventually everything righted itself, but it took a lot of time. And while I was in the midst of the turmoil, Valentine's Day happened. (Which, if you're new around here you might not know that it is my absolute without a doubt least favorite holiday in the history of ever.) And a couple days ago when Nathan brought up the fact that Valentine's Day was soon, my chest got a little tight.

He says "UHH OHHH. Valentine's Day is coming up!!"

Oh yes, I am fully aware of this, seeing as how it is a day that I loathe with insurmountable passion. Valentine's Day is supposed to be special, but no one has ever made me feel that way. And I'm such a grump about it that I don't do anything for myself either because, obviously.

When Matt and I were still dating we were incredibly poor. We were first year college students and going out to dinner or buying gifts was a little beyond our resources. So instead of doing little things we just did nothing. Totally lame. And our second Valentine's together was equally horrible. We exchanged small gifts and I think that was it. It was basically the stupidest, in my opinion. And then the next year we had broken up in January, so it was an even worse Valentine's Day because I was still pining away at this boy who had broken my heart.

The Valentine's Day after that happened right after Jordan and I parted ways. I spent it in Pullman helping the kids at church make some cute little cards with foam letters and kissy lip stickers. And then I probably went home and watched Netflix with my roommate.

Last year, I think, made me hate Valentine's Day even more that I already had. Nathan had just broken up with me making that the third January in a row I had been dumped. I wanted to punch Valentine's Day in the throat and become my own version of Miss Havisham. I wanted to kick every mushy lovestruck couple I saw and burn all of the romantic movies I owned. Love was stupid.

All I wanted was someone to take me out to dinner, buy me some flowers and tell me they loved me. I didn't really care who did it, but I think all that really happened was that I cuddled with my dog and watched movies.

This year I don't really know what to expect. Nathan asked me if there was anything I wanted to do for Valentine's day, but I didn't really know what to say. I'd love to have someone (read: not me) plan a really cool date where all I have to do is show up, look pretty and have a fantastic time. But then I worry about all the other people that are going to be out celebrating and will there be anything to do that's not already all booked and what if it just turns out to be this huge disappointment because I was expecting something awesome and it never happened. There's a lot of pressure there, you know?

So I'm trying to not have expectations built up in my head. I'm trying to resign myself to the idea that even if all that happens is staying in and watching movies that I will be okay as long as I actually get to be next to Nathan instead of in a different town.

\\\
(But if I'm being honest, I really want to be surprised. No pressure, babe.)

PHLEGMATIC INTROVERTEDNESS

YOU GUYS. Sometimes there are these things that I read that I just go "OH MY GOSH IT'S LIKE THEY'RE INSIDE MY HEAD" and I had one of those moments today when I read this article.

Here are some of the things it says about my temperament (phlegmatic introvert):
(i bolded the ones that i went "yes! that is so.me!" on)

Also, here's some ways to effectively communicate with me. I mean, in case you were wondering. (but really, please click that link if we ever talk or interact at all. please. with a cherry on top.)

They take the path of least resistance whenever possible. They so desperately wish for peace, for everyone to get along, and to avoid conflict at all costs.

Conflict terrifies them. They do not start it (except perhaps in extreme circumstances), or provoke it, and try to defuse it when it comes up. When forced into an argument, they get very upset and distressed, seeking escape rather than victory.

If confronted, they are likely to admit that they are in the wrong in order to prevent hostilities.

They are well-behaved; rebelling against established rules would feel deeply uncomfortable to them. They're the sort who'd say, worriedly, 'should we really be doing this?' or 'we might get in trouble!'.  

They really, really do not wish to be a bother to others, and always put others first. This is due to a deep-rooted unease about asserting themselves rather than a lack of confidence, or a conscious desire to be a 'nice person'.

They are quick to apologize for any mistakes that they may have made, and will sacrifice their own happiness to ensure that others are happy.

They have tremendous difficulty saying no, and will go along with things that they dislike to make others happy.

They are extremely trustworthy; if they make a promise, it's very likely that they will keep it.

They're terrified of doing things wrong.

They will blame themselves if mistakes are made, even if it was someone else's fault, just to make others feel better and more at ease.

They try and word things in a way that is not offensive to others. The will be more supportive than critical.

They'll defer to others to make choices, and will feel upset and pressured if they have to make a decision themselves; this comes from their inability to see themselves in a 'leader' role.

They are natural followers, and work best when they are told what to do.

Their language is generally full of uncertain phrases such as 'I think', 'maybe', 'perhaps', 'or something'. Compare "maybe you could do X, or something?" to "do X" or "you should do X".

Rather than saying or doing the wrong thing, they'll say or do nothing at all.

They enjoy spending time with friends, and are very loyal to these friends, sticking with them through thick and thin, even through abuse. This is because they put others first, and will not leave another even if THEY want to because the other person may not want them to leave.

They are almost immune to anger. They have extremely long fuses, and will only snap after a long period of prolonged and persistent abuse. Even then, they're more likely to retreat within themselves and cry than to try to harm another.

They are very quiet, and do not share their own inner thoughts readily, as they fear judgement and don't wish to bother others by waffling on about themselves.

They are however excellent and attentive listeners, who will quietly and politely take in and absorb the conversations of their friends. They will always pay attention, and will offer supportive feedback rather than criticism or advice. They'd never say things like 'bored now', as if it's the duty of others to entertain them.

In our distant past, the phlegmatic members of a pack might have been the obedient followers who'd get much of the actual work done at the command of their superiors. They may not stand out, but without them, nothing would work.

They are the cooks, the cleaners, the quiet office drones, the redshirts, the white mages.

A POSITIVE CHOICE

Januaries make me nervous. Winter makes my skin itchy. And work makes me exhausted.

But I just thought I'd pop in to the blog world for just a second and check up on how things are looking in this html coded corner of the universe. Is it time to replace the throw pillows yet? Buy some new blankets for cuddling on the couch? The new year is always full of those things.

It's hard to believe another year has passed. I rang in twenty-thirteen with my brother and sister and some sparkling apple cider. This year I stood in the parking lot outside my apartment and kissed my boyfriend on the lips.

...I was going somewhere with that and then I got lost in a trail of one thought leading to another and another and before you know it, I looked around and wondered how I got there. You know what I mean? I was thinking about that kiss in the parking lot and then what Nathan told me afterwards, which got me thinking about the gift he gave me for Christmas and what he said about that and then I was thinking about something else that was different but also related and just...I forgot what I was going to tell you in the first place.

Mondays are hard.

I typed out a short post in the early hours of this morning but instead of posting it I ended up hitting the delete button. I reread it a couple of times and, guys, it was just full of me complaining about stuff. When did I turn in to such a whiny baby?

I think it started when I finally admitted to myself that this job isn't very fun and I kind of wanted to quit. It's totally acceptable to have those feelings, but where I went wrong is that I started allowing myself to slack because "I wasn't feeling it" about my responsibilities. I started to just let things go because it was almost Christmas break and I couldn't bring myself to put in all the necessary effort needed to go out in style. And then we came back from break and I got really sick - like had to stay home from work kind of sick.

Anyway, as I was typing out this cry baby of a post, it hit me. I can not do anything and be miserable and count down the hours until I leave this place or I can choose to be enthusiastic and excited that I went to school for four and half years to be an art teacher and here I am, being an art teacher.

These kids will wear you down. They will stress you out and take away all of your energy. There are demands outside of students also that will draw your attention and cause certain amounts of anxiety. But I am not going to let that get me down any longer. I know this job is tough and that I sometimes daydream about leaving it all behind and moving somewhere warm where I can forget all my obligations in order to become a starving artist beach bum. But I also know that I need this job. I need this experience. I teach at a fantastic school with some pretty fantastic teachers and even though I don't like every aspect of this job or all of the people I work with, it's only going to be miserable if I keep letting it be miserable.

To quote my favorite first lady yet again on this blog because what else can I do when I'm in a rut, "I've learned the greater part of our happiness comes from our disposition and not our situation" - Martha Washington. That was my senior quote when I graduated high school and it has yet to cease on being true. I also have that tattoo on my shoulder that says 'rejoice' in Hebrew because I need to be reminded to take joy in every situation.

So it ends today, guys. This miserable whiny baby attitude has to go. I know it's not going to be an overnight change and I'm pretty sure there will still be days when something happens and I go home to drown my sorrows with a glass of wine and copious amounts of Netflix, but I'm going to do my best to remain more positive than I have been lately.

This job is fun. These kids are fun. And funny. And smart. And they deserve a teacher who is fun and funny and smart as well. I'm digging deep for this emotion of enthusiasm, but I'm going to find it. I'm going to be hopelessly positive about life because even though sometimes it totally sucks and I really just want to go running in the opposite direction, I'm bigger than that.

Being an adult is really stupid. You don't get to throw tantrums and act out irrationally when things aren't going your way. Sometimes I kind of really hate that because all I want to do is flop my body on the ground like Lilo and tell everyone to go on without me. Instead though, I'm going to hold my head up high and carry on with my life because who wants to be miserable forever?

The two weeks I had for Christmas and New Year's was awesome. I spent time with my family, I loved having Nathan around all the time, and I got to take a break from being a responsible adult. Now though, it's back to reality. Where at first I was absolutely dreading it and complaining about how much I did not want to go back to work, I'm here now. I'm back now. And I need to make it fun again or I won't be myself anymore. And I can't have that or who would I be?

my family on Christmas Eve. check out my dad's christmas light up necklace. it's awesome.

day after christmas i drove south to pick up this sweet boy so we could go skiing at whitefish

night skiing with jesus!

beautiful, beautiful weekend in montana! 

us sisters ;)

my ring nathan bought me when he was in mexico. 

flowers from that sweet sweet sweet boy of mine. 

the sunset on my drive home from moscow this weekend. 

AUTHENTICITY

2013 was kind of a mess for me, I would like to think. This whole being an adult thing about life is way harder than anyone can ever tell you and not in the ways that you would think. We all know that as we age we are expected to pay bills, move out of our parents' houses, and get big-person jobs. Our childhoods are all about preparing for that part of life - we all know it's coming.

What we don't expect are the changes in relationships, the small adjustments in how you express yourself and the way that you make decisions. I've realized that not only does the relationship you hold with your parents change with the coming of new years, but also the ones you have with your siblings. As children you protect each other from bullies, bicker about who gets to sit in the front seat of the car, pout when one of them won't share their new toy, etc, etc. And in growing up, you go from fighting over the last chicken nugget to living in completely different states.

This next year is going to be full of so many more changes for me that I can't even begin to tell you all of them. Some of them I have no idea are coming (because who can see into the future, amiright?) and some of them I am already planning on how to deal with.

Daniel is going to graduate high school this year. He's going to move to Arizona to go to a trade school and become a certified mechanic. I can't even believe it, you guys. This boy! He is probably one of my favorite people on the planet - so caring and nice. Helpful and sweet and he has the heart of a servant. He's also incredibly mischievous and a wee bit evil sometimes, which just makes me love him even more although I sometimes kind of hate him too. Brothers, you know?

And in July, Jimmy and Rylie are tying the knot. These two are so perfect for each other it's not even funny. I'm so happy that they are going to be together forever, let me just tell you. When Jimmy and I were little, he was my adventure buddy. He was my partner in crime. We would do everything together from climbing trees and hay bails, to riding our bikes without holding the handlebars, to jumping out of second story windows.

I was excited for him to go off to college and begin growing up, but I was unprepared for the way that we would change. We are still definitely brother and sister and it really shows when we're together and still hold conversations solely in movie quotes, but we also interact a lot differently now too. I suppose that is to be expected, but it still catches me off guard. This little blonde headed chubby baby brother of mine is now a man with the most precious fiancé. Instead of me and him against the world, it's him and her. And she is just perfect for the job too, I couldn't have found someone better suited to keeping my mouthy brother in line if I had tried.

2014 is also the year that I will finish up my first year of teaching and start my second. Student teaching is all good and fine and things, but being the actual teacher is so much more work than you are ever going to be prepared for. It's a constant battle to keep my head above the water and I'm always on my tip toes. I hear the water level goes down with the more experience you gain, so I'm looking forward to that I suppose.

I have been blessed with some amazing students and I've formed some good working relationships with a few of my co-workers. It's still tough being the baby and the newby but life goes on. It always goes on.

Nathan will graduate from the university in May and I have no idea what's going to happen after that. Which, admittedly, is both terrifying and exhilarating to me. When we first started dating I feel like it was very surface level attraction. I liked him, he liked me, but I moved and I didn't know how long we would keep up the long distance. And then in January my suspicions were answered when he pulled the plug on our little relationship.

What exceeded my expectations though, was the fact that he came back around in March and worked very hard to fix what he had broken. I am seriously the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call him mine. Sometimes I just look at him from across the room and it's hard to believe that we are where we are. Together. Us against the world. We have climbed mountains with each other. We've come so far, and our journey is not over yet. I can't wait to see what this new year holds for us. As individuals and as a couple.

And in other news, no new year's resolutions for this girl again this year. But instead, I have a word. Two years ago I picked the word "explore" (which was awesome) and last year I picked "courage" (which was decidedly not awesome). This year my word is authentic.

Your 20s are about defining who you are, and so that is my goal. This year I will turn 24 (a fact that I can hardly believe) and so I'm learning to make my way in this world as a grown woman. I want to be authentic to myself, no extra smoke and mirrors, nothing to get in the way of who I am. I want to be able to let the stress go and just take life one day at a time as myself - whoever that is. I want to discover authenticity in relationships and my job and all over my life. It's important to be true to who you are and to who God is calling you to be. I know this year will have its ups and downs and I'm not about to go making promises that 2014 is going to be the best year ever. But I do believe that 2014 is going to be a good one, or at least I hope so.

So, new year, let's do this. Hit me with your best shot.