A POSITIVE CHOICE

Januaries make me nervous. Winter makes my skin itchy. And work makes me exhausted.

But I just thought I'd pop in to the blog world for just a second and check up on how things are looking in this html coded corner of the universe. Is it time to replace the throw pillows yet? Buy some new blankets for cuddling on the couch? The new year is always full of those things.

It's hard to believe another year has passed. I rang in twenty-thirteen with my brother and sister and some sparkling apple cider. This year I stood in the parking lot outside my apartment and kissed my boyfriend on the lips.

...I was going somewhere with that and then I got lost in a trail of one thought leading to another and another and before you know it, I looked around and wondered how I got there. You know what I mean? I was thinking about that kiss in the parking lot and then what Nathan told me afterwards, which got me thinking about the gift he gave me for Christmas and what he said about that and then I was thinking about something else that was different but also related and just...I forgot what I was going to tell you in the first place.

Mondays are hard.

I typed out a short post in the early hours of this morning but instead of posting it I ended up hitting the delete button. I reread it a couple of times and, guys, it was just full of me complaining about stuff. When did I turn in to such a whiny baby?

I think it started when I finally admitted to myself that this job isn't very fun and I kind of wanted to quit. It's totally acceptable to have those feelings, but where I went wrong is that I started allowing myself to slack because "I wasn't feeling it" about my responsibilities. I started to just let things go because it was almost Christmas break and I couldn't bring myself to put in all the necessary effort needed to go out in style. And then we came back from break and I got really sick - like had to stay home from work kind of sick.

Anyway, as I was typing out this cry baby of a post, it hit me. I can not do anything and be miserable and count down the hours until I leave this place or I can choose to be enthusiastic and excited that I went to school for four and half years to be an art teacher and here I am, being an art teacher.

These kids will wear you down. They will stress you out and take away all of your energy. There are demands outside of students also that will draw your attention and cause certain amounts of anxiety. But I am not going to let that get me down any longer. I know this job is tough and that I sometimes daydream about leaving it all behind and moving somewhere warm where I can forget all my obligations in order to become a starving artist beach bum. But I also know that I need this job. I need this experience. I teach at a fantastic school with some pretty fantastic teachers and even though I don't like every aspect of this job or all of the people I work with, it's only going to be miserable if I keep letting it be miserable.

To quote my favorite first lady yet again on this blog because what else can I do when I'm in a rut, "I've learned the greater part of our happiness comes from our disposition and not our situation" - Martha Washington. That was my senior quote when I graduated high school and it has yet to cease on being true. I also have that tattoo on my shoulder that says 'rejoice' in Hebrew because I need to be reminded to take joy in every situation.

So it ends today, guys. This miserable whiny baby attitude has to go. I know it's not going to be an overnight change and I'm pretty sure there will still be days when something happens and I go home to drown my sorrows with a glass of wine and copious amounts of Netflix, but I'm going to do my best to remain more positive than I have been lately.

This job is fun. These kids are fun. And funny. And smart. And they deserve a teacher who is fun and funny and smart as well. I'm digging deep for this emotion of enthusiasm, but I'm going to find it. I'm going to be hopelessly positive about life because even though sometimes it totally sucks and I really just want to go running in the opposite direction, I'm bigger than that.

Being an adult is really stupid. You don't get to throw tantrums and act out irrationally when things aren't going your way. Sometimes I kind of really hate that because all I want to do is flop my body on the ground like Lilo and tell everyone to go on without me. Instead though, I'm going to hold my head up high and carry on with my life because who wants to be miserable forever?

The two weeks I had for Christmas and New Year's was awesome. I spent time with my family, I loved having Nathan around all the time, and I got to take a break from being a responsible adult. Now though, it's back to reality. Where at first I was absolutely dreading it and complaining about how much I did not want to go back to work, I'm here now. I'm back now. And I need to make it fun again or I won't be myself anymore. And I can't have that or who would I be?

my family on Christmas Eve. check out my dad's christmas light up necklace. it's awesome.

day after christmas i drove south to pick up this sweet boy so we could go skiing at whitefish

night skiing with jesus!

beautiful, beautiful weekend in montana! 

us sisters ;)

my ring nathan bought me when he was in mexico. 

flowers from that sweet sweet sweet boy of mine. 

the sunset on my drive home from moscow this weekend.