Tuesday, April 30, 2013

newsy

So yesterday I did this really fun thing where I designed a new blog header. There are just some things I get tired of eventually and it just felt like it was time for a change, you know? I suppose I didn't really deviate that far from my last design though. Birds. Yellow. Blue. It is what it is. Mostly it's the end product of my playing around with the Gimp program since I lost my beloved Photoshop and Illustrator programs in the great laptop debacle of 2012 wherein my computer up and died for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I'm still mourning the loss of my expansive music collection. And almost all of my pictures. Life is rough.

In different news, I can't believe it's the end of April already. I just have May and part of June left until the end of this school year. I still have no idea exactly what I'm doing for the summer. I haven't job hunted or apartment hunted or anything. Procrastinator extraordinaire over here. Can I get a what what? (Yeah, that just happened. Don't look shocked, we all know I'm six years old.) 

Anyway, I hear the weather is supposed to be lovely this weekend. It better be since there is a concert and what are apparently the best caramel apples ever (according to TheBoy) in my future. Plus I really just want to wear shorts and tank tops all the time, is that so bad? Warm weather just lifts my spirits. It should be sunny more often than not. And if it can't be sunny, there should be thunderstorms. Yes.



Thursday, April 25, 2013

oh murgatroyd

Do you know what is amazing? Driving in the car to work with the sun shining and country music blaring out of the radio. It makes me feel like it's finally summertime, and guys, that is my favorite time of the year. The smell of fresh cut grass, sun warmed hay, shorts, tanks & flip flops, swimming, camping, biking, being outside....I could go on and on and on...and on. But in all seriousness, summer is where it's at.

There are just some moments in life, like this morning, where the perfect song is coming through my speakers, the weather is glorious, and I just could not be in a better mood. I have to tell you that I am feeling so much better. About life. About the future. About myself. Not only do I feel a lot less anxious, but I just feel...happier. And happier is usually paired with brainless acts such as belting out all the words as loud as I can and car dancing like the champ that I am. Get your shimmy on, please! It's a good thing my windows are so tinted...talk about embarrassing.

Yesterday I came home from work in a really weird mood. A good mood, but a weird one. This mood, you guys! This mood possessed me to clean! Clean all of the things! I picked up my clothes that have been dead on my floor since my Houston trip and I finally (finally!) put them all away (mostly). (I'm running out of drawers and closet space...) (First world problems.) And then after that I cleaned the bathroom. The counter, the sink, the toilet, the floor. I picked up the living room as much as I could and vacuumed. I opened windows to let in fresh air! My sister did the dishes and I cleaned the counters in the kitchen. We put groceries away. Good gravy you guys, I couldn't be stopped! And then we watched the season finale of Duck Dynasty because you guys! Duck Dynasty! !!!!

And heavens to Murgatroyd, I'm paying for it today. All that scrubbing! My shoulders are tired. And protesting loudly...especially when it comes to getting dressed or anything that involves lifting my arms above my head. Silly shoulder muscles.

(Also, I have no idea why I said heavens to Murgatroyd except that I was thinking about that phrase this morning but I couldn't place where I knew it from so I looked it up. Snagglepuss, you crazy cat you.)

I just can't explain how nice it is to be myself. There is something to be said for period of loneliness though, where you are just a bit lost and have no idea what to do about any parts of anything. I have been learning that this is something a lot of people experience, and it's slightly necessary maybe. In order to appreciate what you have? Perhaps? Whatever the reason that caused me to shove everyone out of my life while I dealt with things and stuff and feelings about things and stuff, it's nice to have the confidence to now face those obstacles head on. I may not know exactly where I am going, but I definitely am not as scared or anxious about it as I was a couple short weeks ago. I know that no matter what happens God has my back and I'll be okay with whatever circumstances the future brings. Just watch me.

Not everything in my life is perfect, and actually there is a lot of stuff left to hurdle over. It may involve playing chicken on the railroad tracks, but I'll come out on top. And better for it, too. Life is one crazy adventure after another, and heavens to Murgatroyd (!!) I'm gonna work it like it's my job.

Also? Purple hair. Check it out. I'm cool.



she is the sweetest. like, seriously.
also? she drives now! ah!!

lots of talk about beauty lately. i love dove though. 
and i also like this typeface.

dad broke out the remote controlled camaro. the pups were terrified.
it was hilarious.

what a week. i'm super glad tomorrow is friday!

Friday, April 19, 2013

on being myself

I think it is important to note that I am strongly introverted. Opening myself up wide for everyone to see is not generally my idea of a good time and if I happen to be surrounded with a plethora of people I will always take some time to find an uninhabited room where I can hang out by myself. It's not that I don't enjoy company, it's just that company is exhausting and sooner or later I'll have to recharge my batteries by escaping your endless supply of jokes and stories.

Operating this way makes it difficult for me to feel like I can trust people with all the things that go on in my head and my heart. At small group, I found myself rarely talking or communicating because I didn't feel a deep sense of connection to the people I was surrounded with. Also, I didn't really like them all that much because I never felt important or part of the group. Always an outsider, I felt like I was never on anyone's mind outside of our meeting time Monday nights. Which, to me, is very sad. Especially because my cousin and her husband were the ones hosting our small group anyway.

Our church doesn't put an emphasis on college and young adult aged people. We are low on the priority list. Our small group lasts for a couple of months and then goes on a long break. There is nothing offered for us, and every time I have tried to step up and say I wanted to be involved with leadership to set something up I have been shut down and rudely blown off. So when I heard about another church who had a really good college program I jumped on that bandwagon like there was no tomorrow.

Immediately I felt loved and accepted and important. I started off sitting by myself in one of the back rows. Three guys came up and introduced themselves to me and one girl made me come sit with her and her friends. After worship was over I spotted someone I knew from my previous small group and I moved to sit by him. I liked the familiarity of being next to a person who already knew me, so I was actually able to relax and enjoy the sermon.

And let me just tell you about this boy for a second, okay? Because, you guys, he amazes me.

First it should be noted that I'm not someone who assumes that I hold any sort of importance to people. I can blend in with the walls and just skate around without causing any wakes with my motions. So when this boy told me something last night it caught me completely off guard.

Back story:
I've only spoken to him a handful of times. One of those times was after I found out some really bad news about my dad right before I had to leave for small group. I brought it up as a prayer request and then spent probably a half hour afterwards crying while conversing with this boy. His words were exactly what I needed to hear and I'm convinced it was God speaking through him. He told me I was worth it and to never let any person tell me that I wasn't worth it or that I wasn't important or that I wasn't loved or forgiven. Because I am. I was a little embarrassed by how I was acting and feeling, but those words were so comforting. I kept apologizing for my tears, but I couldn't stop them from coming. He was a great sport about it though, so kudos to him for being a champ.

Fast forward to last night and this same boy told me something that caught me completely off guard.

Like, you could have knocked me over with a feather probably.

I don't remember his exact words, although I wish I could, but it was along the lines of how my openness about how I'm feeling is inspiring to him.

Inspiring? My openness? What? This boy.

That night at small group, I was lost and uncomfortable and in a moment of sobbing desperation for someone to help me, I confided some feelings to this guy. It was a rare moment, but obviously the impact it produced was one I could have never imagined. In that moment when he said he'd felt inspired, I was reminded how absolutely important it is to be yourself and to be honest and authentic with everyone because you never know how your actions and words are going to affect them.

A couple of months ago I was wondering if God was even real. What did I really believe? How could there be some being out there who created everything in the universe and still loved me and wanted a relationship with me? How could I be so screwed up and terrible and yet this being wanted to wash me in His grace and set me free? It just seemed impossible, and yet being raised in the family I was, I knew deep down that He had to be real. But still, doubt.

So I prayed that God would somehow make me aware that not only was He there, but also that He cared deeply about me. I was so tired of feeling miserable and not feeling like myself. I was tired of feeling hopeless and overwhelmed with my life. And then, you guys, this church. These people. Not just this boy, but there is also a group of girls who are genuinely happy to see me show up on Thursday nights. One girl in particular who, the more I converse with, the more I realize it's like meeting myself as someone else. We have so much in common it's incredible, and I am so thankful that God has placed her in my life.

I came home from church last night feeling refreshed and happy and the most like myself I've felt in really long time. And can I just tell you, dudes, it is so good to have me back.

Monday, April 15, 2013

mondays are my least favorite

Mondays I think are my least favorite day of the week. They always come too quickly to end the weekend and they force me back into reality. And reality generally just kind of sucks, do you know? There is so much going on that I don't write about here, and it's really not my favorite.

I used to write about everything I felt on this blog, but lately I've been keeping all those questioning thoughts and inward wrestling ideas in a private journal. I'm not sure if that's better, but at least it's something. At least it has potential to help me sort out my own thoughts and feelings - although sometimes that doesn't help. Sometimes no matter what words get put on those lined pages, I still feel a little lost. I still feel a little foggy. I still feel a little directionless.

It's not in every aspect of life though, you know. I've figured some things out. And I know how I feel about certain stuff. I'm still not good at talking about how I feel - writing is one thing but verbalizing is another. I think maybe that's because I feel like if I put feelings into words and confide them in another person then that means they are real. That means I am vulnerable. That means that people can hurt me. And that is terrifying.

I'm scared to hear answers that I don't want to hear. I'm scared to have discussions that I don't want to have. I'm scared to make decisions that I don't want to make. I'm worried that the hard thing and the right thing might be the same - and I don't really want to choose either one. In my mind things are black and white and I can either make this decision for that result or I can make that decision for this result. Often I forget the grey areas and I always expect the worst possible outcome.

Seriously you guys, it gives me stomach aches.

I suppose that's why I resort to putting up walls and stuffing my feelings down deep inside. I'm afraid to feel things because I could be wrong, or I could be the only one, or I could be crazy. I hesitate to ask the tough questions because I'm not sure I want to know the answers. Part of me wishes I could just run away. Far away. Leave everything behind, buy a ticket and just go.

I never thought that growing up would be this messy. It never occurred to me that it would be difficult - you know? People grow up all the time, I thought, how hard can it be? And really, on the positive side of this I know I can do it and that I will be just fine. One day I'll be happy again and all this stuff will be a memory. One day I'll fly again, but for now I'm still cleaning my feathers.

I spend a lot of time wondering what God is doing with me. Why am I here? What's the point? And I suppose that if I stop to really listen, and give it plenty of time, then I'll be able to figure it out. I guess I didn't realize that when I chose courage as my word of the year I would really be putting that into some serious play because I can tell that in the near future that word is going to be a prominent fixture in my life.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

going places

Today is really kind of the lamest day, if I'm being honest. The sky is grey and the ground is wet and I'm grumpy. And the library! It is the quietest, dudes. These ISAT tests, I tell you what. They kill. And it's only the second day. I have three whole weeks of this to look forward to!

The kids come in, find a computer, take a seat, and then read long passages to answer questions for 90 minutes and doesn't that just sound like the best of times? Standardized testing is probably the lamest. But still we go through it. Monotonous mouse clicking and all.

It's days like this where I miss being a college student the most. Grumpy days were meant to be spent on a couch with a blanket watching a movie. Ditching class so you didn't have to walk outside and get the bottoms of your pant legs soaked. Cuddling next to your boyfriend while the rain pelts the windows outside. I mean, that was the life, right?

I just need simple things to get me by.

Really what I wish for is summertime. To be outside. To have tanned skin. To run wild and free. Take deep breaths of fresh air. Splash in the lake. Lay on a towel. You guys, that is the life I dream of! I would love to move somewhere warm with palm trees. I would love to experience a new adventure in a different city. To have a good job that allows me to pay all my bills and travel every now and then. It's not far off, this life of mine, I can feel it.

You know, I was starting to feel trapped. I lost myself and I lost sight of how awesome life can really be. Unfortunately, I let myself get bogged down in pointless drama and anxiety over things that I really don't have any control of. I still haven't quite found myself again, you know, because I think that's a lifelong process. But I also think that I've made some progress.

The other day I was driving in my car on the way home from Moscow. This is always when I do my deep thinking, guys. I had been talking to TheBoy about the starting salary for teachers in Texas. It's so much higher than here in Idaho. And we kind of fancifully entertained the idea of moving there. I mean, that's when it hit me, you guys.

I've been saying it for a long time, but I'm just finally starting to realize it I think maybe. I can move anywhere. I can go to a different state and get a job and find an apartment and live there if I want to. There is nothing holding me back. If I want to move to California or Texas or even Italy, I could do it.

Probably I will work at the same school I'm at right now for another year before I try to transfer anywhere else. Not only will it be valuable experience and look good on a resume, but it will also let me grow in my profession with people who know me instead of having to forge relationships with new faculty right away. But then I can go wherever I feel like.

So I've been researching different job opportunities in different states. I've been looking at starting salaries. I've been scoping out apartment prices. It excites me. To know that I am qualified to do stuff and things beyond making coffee and that I am able to make a life for myself. I've always been so tied to school and assignments and goals that actual freedom was a little overwhelming. But I'm coming around. And I can do this.

You guys, I can so do this.

Monday, April 8, 2013

a long post with lots of pictures. you've been warned.

So basically Houston rocks my socks off. Spending time with two people I love dearly and their three beautiful children was just exactly what I needed. And even though I didn't really want to leave Texas, I feel more rejuvenated to live life and make decisions. It was good for my soul.

Anyway, after we hit up Galveston we moved on to the zoo and spent the day taking a bazillion pictures of different animals. Lions, tigers, leopards, chimps, lemurs, jellyfish, sea turtles, giraffes, you know the drill. Sometimes I think I could go to the zoo every day.










After our crazy zoo adventures that involved terrorizing various wild animals and sketching giraffes while eating pepperoni pizza, we felt like we'd been run over by trucks. It was time for a nap. And also some Shipley's donuts.

On Thursday Joel and I hit up the Museum of Fine Arts. Holy buckets, you guys! I could have stayed there for days. Days I tell you! The Picasso Black and White exhibit was there and if it hadn't been 17 extra dollars I don't think we would have looked at anything else in the whole building.

But as it was, we walked around looking at all of this historical painting! Good gravy there were rooms upon rooms of all this amazing artwork. I almost couldn't handle it and I'm pretty sure I took pictures of almost everything just like an art crazed teenage girl. I mean, I got to look at pieces of art created by masters. Masters! People who lived in the 1700s and the 1800s and can you just imagine for a second what that is like? To stand in front of a painting that van Gogh himself created. Van Gogh is my BMW of the art world. It seriously doesn't really matter what it was that he painted and I will still love it just because it's van Gogh. For real. There wasn't much of his work though, so I took pictures of everything else. And then I collaged them on Instagram like a wannabe hipster. I'm the coolest.




there is a tunnel that takes you from one building of the museum to another and it is crazy awesome. it changes from red to violet lighting and it was probably one of my most favorite parts of my visit!



this is a detail shot of that awesome skull artwork. the whole thing was filled with all sorts of crazy awesome stuff. I think we stood in front of it for at least ten minutes finding different gems. It was fantastic!

i wanted to buy this mug so bad!!

Friday night was my last night in good old Texas, so we spent it watching Wreck-it Ralph, eating ice cream and soaking in the hot tub. Saturday morning came way too early and saying good bye to the Humans and Joel and Mandy was not something I really wanted to do. The week flew by too fast!

i had to take a picture of the stop lights. they are sideways! which is super weird!







7:00 in the morning came waaayyyy too early. But the sunrise was gorgeous.



Monday got here way too quickly bringing with it the start of the work week. But here we are, back to the daily grind. Basketball and library books, high school students and homework. Gearing up for the start of the 4th quarter and ultimately the end of the year. I can't believe how quickly time is flying.



So Monday, hit me with your best shot. Let's do this.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Hello Texas

Well hello April! When did you get here? This year is going by so fast it's incredible, but honestly doesn't it always feel that way? I mean, the older I get the faster time seems to move even though it hasn't sped up from when I was a little girl. Really, a second is still a second.

This week is spring break and holy buckets I can't believe it's that time of year already! But I am so glad it's spring time now instead of a snowy white winter blanket. Green grass and blooming flowers are a welcome sight, for sure.

I'm spending the week in Houston, Texas with some good friends. We are doing all the cool kids things like living the island life in Galveston for a day and turning into lobsters, visiting the zoo, and experiencing the greatest thunder storms of ever.

In Galveston, we rode the ferry, ate lunch, searched for shells, made up a song, saw some dolphins, played in the ocean, jumped over waves, laid in the sun, bought some souvenirs, ate Greek food, and wandered around the Strand for a bit. The we headed back home and got chocolate wasted at The Chocolate Bar before coming home and crashing like exhausted sun fried tourists. Seriously, it was the coolest.



















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