goodbye is hard

Goodbye is something I was never very good at. Mostly because I refused to believe that you will never see someone again or be somewhere again. But today I had to do a very hard thing - I had to say goodbye to the town that has been my home for the last four years and to all the people who are still there.

And it was not fun.

It still hasn't really hit me that I've moved back in with my parents for good. I feel like I'm just here for the weekend, only it's not the weekend and I have no apartment to go back to. I hate that I'm away from all my friends and I hate that I don't even have my own bedroom in this house anymore. I'm mad that I'm spending my favorite season and hour and a half away from where I want to be. I have tried to have a good attitude about this move. I knew it was coming for a long time - but the reality is still hard to bear. I think I'm allowed to be mad though. To grieve for my lost independence and the freedom that came with no longer living in my parents' household.

I suspect it won't be all bad. No rent. Free food. People who love me. But it just feels...odd. Like I wasn't ready for it and all of a sudden my world has changed.

Friday night I was hanging out with a whole bunch of my friends. I was sitting on the couch, squished between some of my favorite people on the planet. The room was full of laughter about stupid things and dumb conversations, but I loved every minute of it.

And that's when it started to sink in. This overwhelming feeling that I won't get to do this for a while. It felt like the walls were going to cave in and that's when I bolted for the door. The back porch was a much better alternative - far less crowded and no ceiling to collapse on top of me. I curled up in a white wicker chair that faced the yard and took a deep breath. My life was about to change forever and in that moment I couldn't handle it.

Nathaniel came to check on me, but at that point I still had no words for why I was out there by myself except that that's where I wanted to be. He tried to coax me back inside, but at the moment I just wasn't ready. I needed some time and some space.

I was alone, looking at the stars and having a regular pity party on the porch. I'm sure it was a sight to see, but guys, it just had to happen. I hadn't had time to really think about what it meant to leave, and that back porch was my moment.

The back door squeaked open and then closed again. I heard footsteps on the deck behind me, but the person those footsteps belonged to didn't try to touch me. Honestly I thought it was SVI taking a cigarette break, which would explain why he didn't approach me because we don't do a whole lot of interacting these days. But then the person stopped moving and the stars reminded me of how much I wished I could just stay there and stare at them forever.

And guys? I cried. I tried to fight it, but there was no use. A couple gentle sobs found their way to the surface and there was nothing I could do. Soon I would have to say goodbye to this house, to the people who lived there, and to that beautiful night sky. It was more than I could take. And then I was interrupted by one of those people that I was going to have to say goodbye to all too soon.

He sat down across from me and just started talking. Telling me all sorts of wonderful things to make me feel better. I wiped my eyes and answered him in a shaky voice at first, you know the kind that come after tears when you're still a little unsure of yourself. The person who I previously thought was SVI moved out of the shadows and sat on the other side of my little white chair. It was Nathaniel.

Immediately I was embarrassed that he'd heard me crying, but the conversation was taking off and the three of us sat on that back porch and talked until four in the morning. I don't even remember everything we talked about, but I was so incredibly glad for that conversation and the distraction that it afforded me from being an over emotional girl.

It's not easy to say goodbye to those people, but I made promises to come back and visit and they made threats to kill me if I didn't. So it's not really as much of a goodbye as I let myself believe at first. I just don't know what it's like really to pack up one's life and leave.

Living with my parents is going to be its own adventure, which I just have to learn to embrace. But for now it feels like I've left my home behind and I'm trapped in this unreality of living somewhere that's not my home. Sure this is where my family lives, but I don't have a place here anymore, or at least it doesn't feel as though I do. Maybe that will change as time goes on, but I feel like a stranger in this house. Nothing is mine.

in that moment, i was a little girl again

So this last weekend I spent the night with T Lily out at her farm. We watched her brother play pro football Saturday night and then spent Sunday wandering aimlessly through fields throwing sticks for the dogs and lounging about in the sunshine.

T Lily grew up living the kind of life that I dreamed about. Horses, fields, dogs, four wheelers, big trucks, you name it I dreamed about it and she owned it. When I was in elementary school, and even on into middle school too, I would have given my left kidney to own a horse. (Not my right kidney, I like him too much. You know how it goes.) I roamed around our backyard pretending to feed my invisible horses (who all had names and different breeds and how many hands high they stood) and I zoomed down the street on my bicycle which I also pretended was a horse.

I would set up three "barrels" and race around them, changing my lead foot depending on what barrel I was coming around.

But Miss T Lily? She lived it. She raced in the rodeo, where I could only imagine myself in her shoes. I lived and breathed horses for a good chunk of my childhood, holding out hope that someday we would buy some acreage and my dreams would turn into reality.

Once we moved across town, I was 13 and just about to enter high school. I had lost that wide eyed wonder of hoping against hope that I could live on a ranch. I chalked it up to a little girl's horse phase and silently moved on to more "realistic" ideas. Dreaming about living on a farm? For babies! I declared, as I tried not to let on to the fact that I would never get what I wanted.

Honestly, I'd done a pretty good job of forgetting too. I was content with my life in town. With my backyard and dog. I didn't need anything else.

And then this weekend? You guys. I died. I died and I went to heaven and I never ever wanted to come home. It was all I could do to not turn into that little girl again. I had a hard time not getting giddy about everything. I think I asked T Lily a grand total of a bajillion times if I could just live there. Just stay on that farm with those beautiful animals and those wide open fields and those huge trucks forever.

Everyone always told me "You don't really want to live on a farm. It's a bunch of hard work." But they don't understand how I feel when I'm there. There was a sign one time I found on vacation that said "Home is where your heart says 'aaaaaah.'" And if that's the truth, then that farm in podunk Washington was my home. It was everything I had ever wanted and more.

Standing out in the middle of the lawn, throwing a stick for a dog to fetch, breathing in the scent of warm hay and horses, I was that little girl again. I was home.

i like a good adventure, she said, even if my shoes get muddy

I am seriously disenchanted with my latest digital imaging project. Proof of that fact is that here I sit in the library at 7:30 on a Friday night working on my faux facebook page for Jesse James - the misunderstood robin hood (or not) of his time. And by working on my project I mean facebook creeping and blog posting. Which isn't so bad, I suppose since I have been lacking severely in the whole post department.

I just don't know what to say, I guess. Last week I typed and retyped a blog post four times and then just deleted it. And then I tried to start again but I hated that one too. I think it's because they were all sorts of full of nothingness. Sometimes that just happens. I want to get all wordy and profound and then nothing. Nothing but word vomit. And who wants to read that? Really.

But in all seriousness, I really have been trouble putting words to my actions and thoughts lately. Probably because I am so busy being busy that I just run out of steam when it comes to blogging. And here I am procrastinating (for the first time this semester), which is only good news for you in that you have a new post to read!

School has kept me occupied most of the days of my week, and when I'm not at school I'm out gallivanting around the town with T Lily and this one boy who seemingly has invaded almost all of my free time. Lucky them, right? Right. And it means nothing but adventure after adventure for me.

Today I went on a walk around town adventure with this boy and we found ourselves on a dirt path down a hill in the middle of a grassy field. My shoes got muddy, it was that good of an adventure! I tell you what, when you get your shoes muddy or your shirt dirty then you know it was a good time. Good times always do some damage. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

And the best part is that I have at least two more large adventures in my near future. I'm impatient as all get out, too. I can't even handle it!

where has the time gone?

Dudes, it is June already! When did this happen? Where was I? How in the great sam heck did it get to be the 6th month of 2012?? And also, I just realized that I wrote the wrong month on my rent check. I hope they don't mind... I mean, there's really nothing I can do about it now seeing as how I already turned it in.

But as it is, June is going to be full of adventure! Full! And quite possibly the saddest month of my Moscow experience. Moving away! I can't even talk about it. Tears. So many tears. And I wonder how many times I will come back and visit. I don't even want to think about it. I always change the subject when it comes up.

Especially because it means leaving these people:

I don't know how to say goodbye to them. Or a plethora of other people not photographed but also very important. I don't know how to deal with the incredible change that is about to take place. I honestly I have no idea how to do it. I've never felt this way before about moving away from somewhere. I've never had to go through this and if we're being honest, it kind of freaks me out.

Life is one giant adventure after another for me. And I know that there will be an abundance of opportunities for my life to alter and grow, but right now I want to hold on tight and ride out the epic story line that is happening to me right this very minute with these people who are important to me today. What happens in the future is a mystery, and that's part of why it's so scary. I just hate feeling like I have to leave all of this behind in order to move forward.

Maybe that's not really the case, but that's how it feels right now.

I'd rather be out enjoying the sunshine and taking a break from worrying about everything in my life than student teaching in the fall and graduating in December. I'm just not ready for that. I'm just not. There's too much going on right now to just up and walk away. Observe:

I am having an incredible case of anxiety towards all things end of June related. It's getting intense. I need to think about something else.