Rejoice In All Things

Usually when I make up my mind to do something, I do it. Like when I wanted to get my nose pierced when I turned 18 my dad could have told me no and I'd probably have done it anyway. Luckily he was okay with it (mostly) and it boiled down to the fact that I was 18 and I was old enough to make my own decisions.

Okay, but this isn't to say that I go around disobeying my dad just because I want to. I listen to him, and my mom, because they know what they're talking about. But I still have to push boundaries every now and then, or they might start thinking I'm a good kid, and we can't have that. I have a rep to uphold, you know.

I've always been the rebel child of my family. I like the rough and tumble life style - headstrong, punk-y, don't tell me what to do attitude. I mean, I always liked Sawyer better than Jack if that helps you understand. I like piercings because I think well placed body-bling is beautiful and I like tattoos because there is a sort of 'toughness' associated with them and they can hold a lot of meaning, but I don't think either of those things should be taken lightly.

I didn't just want to run out and get a tattoo just to have one, I carefully contemplated what I wanted to put on my body because I know it will be there forever. The butterflies and stars are pretty and all, but if there's no meaning behind it, I don't want it on my body. I knew if I was going to get tatted up that I needed to really think about things that meant a lot to me.

Mostly God.

I love Jesus, in case you didn't know. He has never forgotten me or made me feel unimportant. He has a plan for my life and I try to include him in my life daily. I'm not perfect and I mess up a lot (usually when I try to control things because that NEVER works out). But it's always in my best interests to put Him first in all I do, because if it's in His will for my life then it's better than anything I could plan for myself.

Throughout life I've had a lot of ups and downs. I've been cared for deeply and badly mistreated by different people who have floated in and out of my life. I have been privy to lots of friend dramas, break ups, and fights. But there have been plenty of great things that have happened to me as well. But throughout everything we have to remember to thank Jesus for those moments. We learn most when we make mistakes and fall down. God isn't just around for our good moments, but He's also there holding our hand when things go south.

You have cancer? He's there to help you through it. You were in a huge car accident? He never left your side. Your boyfriend broke up with you? Run. Run right into His arms. This is something that I have always known, but not always done. Jesus never told us that following him would be easy, but He promised never to leave us to fend for ourselves.

And we are supposed to take joy in everything that happens to us, good and bad. It's a chance to grow our faith and love. I want to rejoice in every situation I'm thrown into because I know that my God is big and amazing and He will take care of everything. It doesn't matter what I do or what I've done because He will never (never!) leave me behind.

So when I thought about what to put on my body, I went to Philippians chapter 4 verse 4: Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" The chapter goes on to remind us that we shouldn't "be anxious in anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present [our] requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." This passage has been on my heart for a very long time. I knew the word I wanted was "Rejoice" and then I began the process of where did I want to get it? Did I want a different language? Did I only want the text or did I also want a design?

I basically just played 20 questions with myself, making sure that this was going to be exactly what I wanted. I settled on Hebrew because not only do I think it is a beautiful language to look at, it is also an important language in my faith. Plus, it can be used as a conversation starter since not many people know Hebrew where I live.

TheKeeper was heavily involved in helping with the exact word choice. There are several different ways to say rejoice in Hebrew, so I needed to find one that closely matched what I meant when I said rejoice. I found the word "geel" or "gil" depending on what dictionary you use, and TheKeeper made sure I had the correct letters. This was going to be on me forever and I didn't want to take a chance at getting it wrong.

Then I chose some bird silhouettes to fly over the top of my word. I did this for a few reasons, one being that I didn't just want only text. I'm an artist and I wanted there to be a little more there than just letters. Another reason is because birds mean a lot to me. They are always happy, singing, and free. Birds are beautiful. They go where the wind blows them, and also where they want.

Once I had all that figured out, I went down to the same tattoo parlor that a couple of my friends have been to and made an appointment for Wednesday the 8th of February at 2:00 pm. I was nervous and jittery and excited, so very, very excited.

And then, people, then I went under the needle. Not nearly as bad as I had been psyching myself up for, and truth be told I will probably get another tattoo someday. I'm in love.

This was taken right after it was finished before I got bandaged up. I felt like a total badass, not gonna lie.

I immediately posted a picture to Facebook where I was met with a lot of support and also a lot of negativity. I knew that some members of my family would not enjoy the fact that I had permanently altered the skin on my body, but I also didn't care. Tattoos aren't everyone's thing and I'm not going to go out and pressure anyone into getting inked if they don't want to.

What's important is that this tattoo holds special meaning to me and I'm not going to be sorry that I got it when I'm 80 years old and have saggy skin. I think it's beautiful and I believe that I will always think that.

Part of me wished that I could have shared the experience with SVI because he told me that he would go with me if I ever decided to get a tattoo. He has one himself, so it would be exciting for him to tag along. And then, you know, things. I almost texted him, but I don't think he wants anything to do with me anymore. And I really feel like that's his loss. We weren't serious, so I don't feel like it's this huge monumental step backwards like it was when PC and I thought we could be "just friends." There are a lot of things I miss about being friends with SVI and I wish I could get those back.

But as it stands, I'm not going to let that hold me back. This is my life and I'm going to live it. And no one is going to stop me.

Free

I don't want to hold back from life. I want to squeeze everything I can out of this time I have here on earth. Sometimes I miss Somebody-Very-Important, but I really feel like he doesn't want to be part of my life. He said that he wanted to be friends, but I'm not sure if he meant that. And that's really alright with me, because that's his decision to make.

I do miss the fun that we used to have together, going out to breakfast, going to church together, and just hanging out with one another. In all honesty I wish we would have just been friends from the get go because I think that we would work better that way. But as it stands, all I can do is live my own life and make my own decisions.

I forgot how fun it was to be single, though. I don't have to report to anyone and I don't have to include another person in my decision making processes. I can go wherever I want whenever I want and I don't have to worry about how a certain person feels about that. It's a little bit liberating, to say the least.

I don't want to date someone else this semester, not when I'm just going to up and leave in June. And I'm liking exploring myself, my life, my likes, dislikes, and favorites. I'm doing things that I want to do, which involves creating art, loving Jesus, hanging out with my friends, doing things I've always wanted to do, and doing things I'm scared to do.

Life isn't perfect, by any means, but it's way more fun to go out and do things than it is to sit and be miserable. Even when I have bad days, I'm still really happy. Things are changing, which is scary, and I'll be graduating school soon and moving, but that's what is so exciting.

The world is wide open for me, and nothing is stopping me from going out and doing things. I have been so busy lately with three studio classes and two jobs, but I don't think I would want it any other way. I am truly a wild one running free.

the love of a father

My friend Natalie always has something interesting to say on her blog. She is full of Godly advice and thoughts towards life. And she just wrote this post as a letter to future dads of daughters.

I'm a lucky girl, you see, because I grew up with a dad just like the one she described in her letter. My dad loves my mother. They have shown us kids what a good marriage is supposed to look like. My dad said the other day that they don't necessarily have a perfect marriage, and I looked at him and said "if you're marriage isn't perfect, Dad, then what's wrong with it?"

And he couldn't think of anything for a very long time. I smirked and sat back a little in the ski lift, and then he kind of half laughed, "Well, I thought of something but it's really dumb and you're gonna look at me like 'really? that's it?'"

"Go on," I said, "just tell me."

"I wish your mom would come skiing with me."

I know that because we are humans and we are inherently flawed so nothing is really perfect, but if my parents don't have a perfect marriage then I want to know what a perfect marriage is. My dad has definitely set the bar high for what I think a good marriage should be and how I think I should be treated by my future husband.

In addition to loving my mother, my dad has made sure to spend time with me. To invest in my life, know what's going on with me, and do stuff that's just the two of us. The older I get the more I appreciate the role he played in my life, even when sometimes I just wanted him to back off during my teen years.

My dad has always made it known that I can talk to him about anything (well, almost anything you know, there are those things that you really can only talk to mom about haha). He takes care of me, and he and my mom have made sure to raise us "in the way that we should go", so that when we are on our own we will know which path to choose. I really honestly couldn't have asked for a better dad. Or mom.

I was disciplined when I needed it, loved when I didn't deserve it, and cared for all of my life. They invested time in me, built up my self esteem, taught me responsibility and independence, and showed me the love of Jesus. My parents love me, trust me, tease me, and hug me, but most of all they are there for me no matter what decisions I make in life or what I choose to do and they always will be.

My parents are truly wonderful people and their kids are ridiculously lucky to have grown up in the environment we did. My parents aren't perfect, but they're pretty close.

Just, you know, that darn pump house.

home life

The Keeper brought home two of his friends from school and we initiated them into the family in true Idaho style. I didn't get home until Sunday though, so I was at the house by myself for a bit until they all came home from church and when the newbs saw me for the first time, one of them said "She's a lot shorter in person."

Well, it's nice to meet you too.

And then it became overwhelmingly apparent that I am most definitely The Keeper's sister. But well that happens when you are able to carry on a conversation consisting solely of movie quotes. Boom. Shortly thereafter we left to have amazing mountain adventures while strapped to a pair of skis. We explored freshly fallen snow, black diamonds and I skied through the deepest powder of my life like a champ.

I rode the lift with my dad, which is probably one of my favorite things to do. It gives us the opportunity to talk, just the two of us, uninterrupted. There are plenty of things we talk about, one of them being how awesome my siblings are turning out to be.

Take The Mechanic, for instance. He is so much like my dad it's insane. The way he forms sentences and conveys ideas, right down to how he dresses and the way he talks. But my sister is really the one who seems to be growing into her own little person.

I mean, she has opinions! About things! And stuff! I used to picture her as perpetually seven years old and then eventually she was eleven, but now she's going to be 15 this year and I just have a little trouble wrapping my brain around that. Wasn't she just in elementary school yesterday?

Right? No? Dang. But I thought for sure?

Except that she went through this phase of her life where she was really moody and we all kind of wanted to murder her, but then we didn't and eventually she got over herself and now we all like her again. Plus, she is super nerdy - which I find to be completely awesome and totally my favorite.

On top of all that, isn't she gorgeous?

Right? I just love her. Like, really.

what i want

Valentine's Day is probably by far my least favorite holiday. When I've had a boyfriend on V-Day it was always "do we celebrate? do we ignore? we're too poor to go out..." and it was frustrating. And when I've been single, everyone loves to show off their wonderful relationships. A lot of my friends are married too and all I see on Facebook is "OH EM GEE HE BOUGHT ME FLOWERS! AND CHOCOLATE! AND HE'S THE BEST EVER!" And I just want to gouge my eyeballs out.

I know that God has someone out there for me who is perfectly planned to fit into my life seamlessly and that I am perfectly planned to fit seamlessly into someone else's life as well. And I'm fully aware that I am waiting for God's perfect timing. I will not be sorry that I waited for this wonderful man and I pray for him daily.

I wrote out all of the things that I want in a guy, because I spent all yesterday thinking about it.

I want:

I want someone who's not afraid to run wild with me. I want someone who will hug me when I'm mad, hold me when I'm sad and love me when I'm whiny. I want someone who is excited to wake up next to me every morning and kiss my face hello. I want someone who couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else ever. I want someone who gets my humor and laughs at my jokes. I want someone who encourages me to be myself, who instills confidence and boosts my self esteem. I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful in every way imaginable.

I want someone who is motivated, intelligent, funny, silly, godly, loving and caring. I want someone who will strive for what he wants in life. I want a leader, a bodyguard, a tender soul and a tough guy. I want him to make Jesus number one and me number two.

I want a guy who's not going to give up or get gone. I want someone faithful, honest, and around. I want someone who will pick me over all the other girls. I want someone who I just know has to be a gift from God. I want someone adventurous and outdoorsy. I want someone who knows what he's doing or at least acts like it. I want someone who will take care of me.

I want someone who isn't afraid to be seen with me in public. I want someone who will show me off to the world and brag about how awesome I am. And I want someone that I can say all those same things about too. I want someone who loves me more and more and more the longer he is with me. And I want him not to be afraid to show it.

And someday I'm going to have that. And it will be awesome. And the stuff dreams are made of. And it will be work. Love is a choice, a commitment, a way of life - not just a feeling. But I want it so bad. I want to be loved so bad that sometimes it hurts to watch everyone else be so happy.

But you know what? I am glad to be in the place that I am right now. At least I'm trying to be. I'm here for a reason, single for a reason. I think I have to get to a place where I am fully accepting of how life is right now and that will only come through praying and relying on God to make the best choices. Because when you try to take control, things just get messy. It's always better when you put your troubles in God's hands. He always knows exactly what to do.

Here, There & Everywhere

I am not letting anything stop me from living my life. So far 2012 is off to a much better start than 2011 ever could have hoped for. What is funny to me though is that both years started off with a break up. It just constantly amazes me how different I feel this time around. I shut off after PC and I think I've flourished after SVI.

But to quote my favorite first lady, "I've learned that a greater part of our happiness depends on our disposition and not our situation." Thank you Martha Washington.

As Of Lately

Just in case you were wondering what I've been doing lately, here are some pictures to help.

I colored my hair purple. I have been enjoying the snow. I've been making art like it's my job (because, well, it kind of is. you know.) My brain is nine ways from Sunday all the time because I have bazillion things to do, but honestly, I'm glad that this is how life is right now.

SVI decided he was done and since I'm so busy I don't have a ton of time to dwell on that. I'm sad that it's over because we had a great relationship. I miss him and I miss all the fun things we used to do, but because of this I have time to devote to other things in my life right now that maybe I wouldn't have been so quick to get involved with, yes? yes. and it's great.

I'm excited about life. And it's about time, too. I'm almost done with school and I'm going to be transitioning into the "real world" and I can't wait to see where God will take me or who I'm going to be lucky enough to meet. I think this is where life will start to get fun - all the possibilities and opportunities. I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want and but isn't that just terribly exciting to think about? Nothing is written in stone and that's exactly how I want it.