Sunday, January 29, 2012

A Giant Leap

God has been working in my life recently. And by recently I mean he's always been working in my life, just lately it seems more evident? As in, stuff is happening right now. Like, I'm stepping wildly out of my comfort zone and taking a large step of faith.

My friend Joel talked to me about how he felt that God was leading him and his wife to help plant a church in Pullman, which is like 8 miles away from Moscow where we both go to school. When I first heard him talk about it, I was inspired. I have been wanting to get involved with a church, not just attend one but really get on the inside and lead something and know people and do things. But instead of acting on that immediately I waited a little while to learn more about what they were doing and see if it really was something that I wanted to get involved in. I'm moving away in June and I was wondering if this was really the right step for me?

Joel was asked to paint a mural for the church and being that we are both art majors he asked if I would help him. Being the good friend that I am I jumped on board, hoping that this also would allow me to get a little more information about what was going on. Painting commenced on the mural and before I knew what was happening I was going to Bible Study and Saturday night service.

I don't remember if it was a Thursday afternoon or not, but we were all gathered around the table of the Pastor's house talking about the church and things that still needed to happen while we are trying to get it up off the ground. It was brought up that what they really needed was someone to lead the children's ministry, so we were discussing things like curriculum and all the while I'm feeling like this is something I should be doing. I want to work with elementary schoolers. I am going to school to be a teacher. I was a day camp counselor at a church camp for two consecutive summers. This is totally something that I can do.

So I volunteered for the position.

I don't know exactly how this is going to play out. I've never been in this situation before. I don't know what all this entails. What if they misbehave? How should I react? What am I going to teach them? What if I can't keep them engaged? All these questions are swirling through my mind, but I feel like I'm in the right spot. The thought occurred to me tonight during our Saturday Night Fever church service that I don't have to have all of the answers, God can use me anyway. And I thought about Joel's tattoo of a section of verses in Isiah that essentially boils down to "Here I am Lord, use me."

And that's exactly what I plan to let Him do. I don't know what kinds of things He's going to bring me to, but if I just say yes to them and trust that this is where I'm supposed to be then my faith can only grow and I can do bigger and better things down the road. My life can only be made richer in the love of Christ and my faith sturdier.

This is a huge step for me, to lead a children's ministry. I feel young and under qualified, but God will make it work beautifully. I think about Moses leading the Hebrews out of Egypt and he didn't feel qualified for the job but God picked him anyway and awesome things happened because of it. Maybe I can be like Moses. I definitely want to try. I'm definitely excited about it. And I think I can only benefit from this experience.

Thank you Jesus for giving me this opportunity and these wonderful people with which to share my life. I only hope they don't get sick of spending all this time with me.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

People confuse me. Sometimes I think I have them all figured out, and sometimes I have no idea what will happen. But I have noticed that when certain people aren't in my life my drama level lowers significantly. And I bet that you have people like that in your life too.

But every once in a while those people will come crawling back in. They'll be sneaky about it too, not wanting to draw too much attention to themselves before they hit you with a pile of bricks. Like PC, for example. I'm not at all sure what was going on with him the other day, or what sort of reaction he was expecting to get from me, but he ended up just annoying me.

I have wanted him to be a man for a long time, if we're being honest. I taught him how to do things that I thought he should already know, being that he's older than I am. But some things that came naturally to me dumbfounded him, and I found myself having to explain a lot of things I regarded as simple. Not a big deal at first, really.

However, I never expected to have to hold his hand emotionally and talk him down from ledges all the time. Turns out I'm pretty good at that, actually. So when he was upset yesterday, he turned to me. Only this time I didn't want to deal with it. Because what happens is PC lets things overwhelm him. Life takes up a lot of space in his brain which causes him not to think and then I have to be the voice of reason and lay everything out neatly in front of him and I think that's what he wanted me to do for him. And you know what happened when I told him to grow up instead of giving him a shoulder to cry on? He deleted me on Facebook. Again.

So. Much. Drama.

And I laughed. Out loud. In the middle of the living room. Because seriously? I don't care. I don't want to be involved in his melodramatic lifestyle where everything gets blown out of proportion and I have to clean up the pieces. Because I was that girl for way too long and I put up with way too much. This is my last semester, I would like to enjoy it, please.

I have enough of my own brouhaha to get through. Somebody Very Important has requested a break and while our relationship's future hangs in the balance I'd prefer not to deal with whatever it is PC has in store. I have spent more time reading the Word and praying for guidance lately than I think I've done my entire college career, which is nothing to be proud of.

This is how I should have reacted when PC ripped my heart out and stomped on it. My dad told me to throw myself to God and give everything over to Him and let Jesus take care of my future and I didn't do that. Instead I wallowed and cried and thrashed and threw fits and drug my feet all over town and the internet and everyone was so sick of hearing about it that I just didn't know what to do anymore. It went on for way too long. But this time, this time is different.

I am motivated. I have a friend to keep me accountable. I am involved in church and I read my Bible just to make me feel better. I pray a lot, not only that God will grant me the guidance I request to come to an understanding of whether or not I should remain in a relationship with Someone Very Important, but also that God will help SVI figure out what is right for him, whether that is by my side or by himself. I feel like my head and my heart are in a much different place than they've ever really been before.

Honestly, I don't know which way things will go with Somebody Very Important. Right now I have a little feeling of despair, that we are going to meet in February to talk face to face and that's going to be the end of it. I know SVI. I know that he likes being single and I don't know if I'm someone who is special enough to make him want to get serious. I don't know if I'm the girl that God has planned for him. I don't know if he's the guy that God has planned for me. And I don't know when I will know or how I will figure it out.

But I never get so deep in this depressed feeling that it's over that I can't find any hope. Because I think about the look on his face that night at Starbucks when we had an earnest talk about our relationship and our future, together or apart. He looked at me, so calmly, with this expression on his face that was so real, so genuine, so human. The tone in his voice was so honest and incredibly pure. "I like you," he said. It was the truest sentence I've ever heard spoken and I don't have words accurate enough to describe exactly how I felt when I heard it. And that is what gives me hope that we could possibly have a future together. Those are the words I hold on to when I feel like maybe I've got nothing left. Because the reality of this impossible situation is that I don't know.

God has a plan, a perfect plan, for the both of us. "For I have a plan for you, says the Lord. A plan for you to prosper and not to harm you. A plan to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. He knows what's best and what's right and we just have to listen to Him. Neither of us knows right now what's meant to be, we just have to wait and see. But waiting is the hardest part - it always, always is.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Love Like You Mean It

Life is a funny thing, but don't you think? How it feels like it's always changing and yet somehow always exactly the same. It's the way you get all antsy before a big event or how you hold your breath before you take the plunge in order to do something completely fantastic. It's in the way that you stumble blindly to the shower in the morning a couple minutes after you drag your tired body out of your nice warm bed, or how you always move the driver's seat when you get in and out of the car.

This is my last semester of classes down the Moscow area, and I can hardly believe that I am where I am. It's only day one and already I'm off to a much different start than I had originally planned, but isn't it always that way? It's that thing about life, man. Always different. Always terribly the same. Somebody-very-important and I aren't off to the greatest of starts, having a minor setback in our relationship, and that takes its toll on me mentally. Breathe in, breathe out. Life goes on.

I learned a hard lesson with the PC, you know. And not only was it a hard lesson, but I had to learn it the hard way. I had to test all of the nooks and crannies to see which ones were okay and which ones I should avoid. Some corners were deliciously inviting, but only held empty promises and other corners seemed to be rock hard but in the end they were the better choice. Harder, but better. I think it's always that way.

But the thing that happened to me is that I moved forward and I found SVI and my heart started beating again. As in, I learned that PC wasn't the end of the line, you know, like I first felt he would be. I learned that I could love someone else and that it wasn't terrible or tragic. Life found a new routine and I wasn't so caught up in my past anymore, but instead I could be happy with where I was.

Life takes some interesting turns the longer it goes on. You find that people do things you don't expect them to, and throw you things from left field. But also people can be remarkably wonderful and reach out to you when you need them the most. God designed us for companionship and but wouldn't it be terribly lonely if we had no one to share life with? No one to love? God created Eve for a reason you know, so that Adam wouldn't be alone. We were created to be involved in each others' livelihoods, to offer advice, shoulders, hugs, and caring conversation.

I believe also that if things are meant to be, they will find a way to work. I believe that everything happens for a reason even if you don't understand that reason at the present moment. I believe that people are generally good and I believe that laughter and good company are the best medicine for a broken heart. I believe that the Bible holds the answers we seek and everyone needs to spend time on their knees earnestly seeking their Father and including him in every aspect of their life, because as soon as you start forgetting life gets overwhelming.

So take one step at a time and don't forget to breathe. God has a plan for you and it will be greater than anything you can ever imagine - you have only to take a leap of faith and trust in Him. To love is to be vulnerable, but if you never open yourself up to that chance you will never experience the greatest rewards that come with allowing another person to share your life with you.

Life is short, love big.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

i am awesome, hear me roar

One of the youth leaders at our church built a rock climbing haven in his basement. I have been there twice, climbing along different trails and doing things of epic proportions that no mere mortal would be able to conquer. But being awesome runs in the family, so there you have it. So does modesty, I promise.


TheKeeper's college roommate is here for a visit, so he tagged along too as well as another good friend. We were distracted from the holds on the walls and didn't do a ton of actual climbing this time because we found holds that were suspended from the ceiling with ropes...and well, we used them for more interesting things like dangling upside down from one arm rather than for aiding our mad climbing skillz, yo.




We finished the day up with some delicious Panda Express, with the orange chicken and mandarin chicken and a side of chow mien, please. And just in case you were wondering what the Panda has to say about such matters as love and romance, here you go:

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A Perfect Midnight

Yesterday was New Year's Eve, in case you didn't know. And yesterday I did a really rad thing. Like, really super rad here folks, you don't even know.

You see, Somebody-Very-Important had himself a birthday yesterday. And I was missing him something fierce to boot. I had been planning this since before I left for home after finals week and I was super stoked that it was all going to work out.

I left town at 2:00 on the dot headed south. I put on some rocking tunes and sang my lungs out while blasting the heat on my poor little frozen piggies. I'm sure it was a sight to behold, but then again, I usually am pretty awesome when I try to drive and sing and heat up all at the same time. I multitask like a champ.

Casually I texted SVI...."Hey what are you up to today? :)"  And I chatted him up off and on to find out where he would be when I got to town. He ended up back at his house a couple minutes before I got there which was perfect timing. I walked in the door to two very surprised boys, which totally and completely made my entire day.

To further my award of best girlfriend of the year, I took him out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I caught him staring at me a couple times from across the table. "What?" I asked him with a smile. He put his hands on the table and said, "I just didn't expect you back so soon!" as I placed my palms on his.

I had been asking him about his birthday to keep up the ruse that I wouldn't be there for it. He said it was a good day, but that it didn't feel different really from any other day. I wanted to make it special for him. Sitting next to him in a quiet moment he whispered the word thanks in my ear. "For what?" I asked, my voice low. "For coming down here. For dinner. It was the best present," he answered. My heart melted a little bit.

 I think my favorite thing to do is surprise people. I can be a pretty rough and tumble person when I want to be...I mean, I mostly hang out with boys so you kind of have to be that way. But I really like being nice and sweet too - it scores you a lot of points. Plus it makes me happy to see other people happy. I like to think we are all that way.

Because his birthday also coincides with that somewhat famous holiday, you know the one, to celebrate the incoming of a new year and all, we went to a party with a bunch of friends. I was sitting on the back porch with my friend Kevin and his cigarette when I heard them start the countdown. SVI was somewhere inside and my only thought was that I had to get to him before the stroke of midnight. Without even looking at Kevin, I turned in my chair and threw open the door. My eyes darted around the room, scanning, analyzing.

7...6...5...

I spotted him in the doorway of the kitchen, his back was turned to me.

4...3...2...

I grabbed his arm and turned him around to face me right as the countdown ended. And good gravy, I tell you what, that was the best New Year's kiss I've ever had in the history of being old enough and having someone to actually kiss at midnight. We were all giddy from the excitement of the moment, and some of us from the booze too, as is tradition. But I can't explain the rush of emotion I felt when the ball dropped and we lip locked and then he just held me, just for a moment. And then it was 2012, and it was perfect.

Today I went back to his house for a while before I drove back north to hang out with my family for a couple more days before school starts back up. I was reading a book on the couch while the SVI and his roommate were playing COD. Lost in my story, I was jolted back to reality when SVI's finger started poking my leg. Let the record show that I am loath to be poked, and he is the only person in the history of ever that gets away with it.

I turned my attention from the print on my page to his unshaven face and this is what he says to me: "Hey, I'm bragging over here. Pay attention!" At which point my eyes get wide, my mouth drops and I look over at our other friend as if to ask "Did he really just say that?" When all of a sudden SVI is wrapping me in his arms, laughing, with his face buried in my neck.

Yes, I picked a real keeper. Told you. And that is the story of how I earned the best girlfriend of the year award. Jealousy. You know you have it.

How did you ring in the new year?
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