Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

People confuse me. Sometimes I think I have them all figured out, and sometimes I have no idea what will happen. But I have noticed that when certain people aren't in my life my drama level lowers significantly. And I bet that you have people like that in your life too.

But every once in a while those people will come crawling back in. They'll be sneaky about it too, not wanting to draw too much attention to themselves before they hit you with a pile of bricks. Like PC, for example. I'm not at all sure what was going on with him the other day, or what sort of reaction he was expecting to get from me, but he ended up just annoying me.

I have wanted him to be a man for a long time, if we're being honest. I taught him how to do things that I thought he should already know, being that he's older than I am. But some things that came naturally to me dumbfounded him, and I found myself having to explain a lot of things I regarded as simple. Not a big deal at first, really.

However, I never expected to have to hold his hand emotionally and talk him down from ledges all the time. Turns out I'm pretty good at that, actually. So when he was upset yesterday, he turned to me. Only this time I didn't want to deal with it. Because what happens is PC lets things overwhelm him. Life takes up a lot of space in his brain which causes him not to think and then I have to be the voice of reason and lay everything out neatly in front of him and I think that's what he wanted me to do for him. And you know what happened when I told him to grow up instead of giving him a shoulder to cry on? He deleted me on Facebook. Again.

So. Much. Drama.

And I laughed. Out loud. In the middle of the living room. Because seriously? I don't care. I don't want to be involved in his melodramatic lifestyle where everything gets blown out of proportion and I have to clean up the pieces. Because I was that girl for way too long and I put up with way too much. This is my last semester, I would like to enjoy it, please.

I have enough of my own brouhaha to get through. Somebody Very Important has requested a break and while our relationship's future hangs in the balance I'd prefer not to deal with whatever it is PC has in store. I have spent more time reading the Word and praying for guidance lately than I think I've done my entire college career, which is nothing to be proud of.

This is how I should have reacted when PC ripped my heart out and stomped on it. My dad told me to throw myself to God and give everything over to Him and let Jesus take care of my future and I didn't do that. Instead I wallowed and cried and thrashed and threw fits and drug my feet all over town and the internet and everyone was so sick of hearing about it that I just didn't know what to do anymore. It went on for way too long. But this time, this time is different.

I am motivated. I have a friend to keep me accountable. I am involved in church and I read my Bible just to make me feel better. I pray a lot, not only that God will grant me the guidance I request to come to an understanding of whether or not I should remain in a relationship with Someone Very Important, but also that God will help SVI figure out what is right for him, whether that is by my side or by himself. I feel like my head and my heart are in a much different place than they've ever really been before.

Honestly, I don't know which way things will go with Somebody Very Important. Right now I have a little feeling of despair, that we are going to meet in February to talk face to face and that's going to be the end of it. I know SVI. I know that he likes being single and I don't know if I'm someone who is special enough to make him want to get serious. I don't know if I'm the girl that God has planned for him. I don't know if he's the guy that God has planned for me. And I don't know when I will know or how I will figure it out.

But I never get so deep in this depressed feeling that it's over that I can't find any hope. Because I think about the look on his face that night at Starbucks when we had an earnest talk about our relationship and our future, together or apart. He looked at me, so calmly, with this expression on his face that was so real, so genuine, so human. The tone in his voice was so honest and incredibly pure. "I like you," he said. It was the truest sentence I've ever heard spoken and I don't have words accurate enough to describe exactly how I felt when I heard it. And that is what gives me hope that we could possibly have a future together. Those are the words I hold on to when I feel like maybe I've got nothing left. Because the reality of this impossible situation is that I don't know.

God has a plan, a perfect plan, for the both of us. "For I have a plan for you, says the Lord. A plan for you to prosper and not to harm you. A plan to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. He knows what's best and what's right and we just have to listen to Him. Neither of us knows right now what's meant to be, we just have to wait and see. But waiting is the hardest part - it always, always is.


  1. I'm sorry to hear about the drama PC brought back in. I definitely feel for the not wanting to be drug into other people's drama - that's all I've gotten for the last two weeks.

    I'm also sorry to hear about you and SVI. But I'm sincerely happy that you seem to really be okay with where everything stands. It does sound like a new you, which is a good thing. You seem very stable and happy. :) Glad to hear you're doing well.

  2. Whatever happens in the future I think you have the right attitude, toward both guys. Let him delete you from Facebook, he'll have to grow up sometimes especially as you have something else to deal with and he should understand that. As for the other guy, I hope that the decision will be the best one for you.

  3. I am very proud of you! I also think that by February, you should have made a decision for yourself rather that waiting and letting someone else make that decision for you. Whether or not he chooses you does not determine your worth or your specialness. You are special and you are of great worth. You are one-of-a-kind regardless of your future with this boy. The one man you need you are diligently seeking after and when you give your life fully to Him you will be surprised daily at how wonderful your life is! I really appreciate your heart! Hang in there!


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