What I've Learned

Source: tumblr.com via Llysa on Pinterest

I honestly haven't been thinking about making any new year's resolutions this year. In fact, that hadn't even crossed my mind until I dug back through my archives looking for my post about last year's new year's day. I had stated that I wanted to forget all about 2010 and move forward with 2011 since that was sure to be a better year. I wanted to just be myself this last year - no tricks, no smoke and mirrors. And that didn't really work out for me the way that I thought it would. Oh, it worked all right, it just did it in a way that I hadn't anticipated. It knocked me on my butt cold and hard and fast. And it took a while to recuperate.

In January a really big, really bad thing happened that I fought with and cried over and wanted to die from. It was earth-shattering unto my soul and my heart and my head. I looked at the situation unfairly and I spent my time dragging my feet, trying not to move on. I talked a good talk but I didn't always walk a good walk. My head wanted to be in the right place, but my heart wasn't ready for that yet.

This went on for months, too. I wasn't myself, and I didn't want to be. I also didn't really know how to be myself either. I had based so much of who I was on the relationship that I had been in, that I really did just forget how to be me. I kept trudging forward though, making baby steps that deep down I didn't want to make, but I knew I had to. I was holding on too tight to something that just needed to be let go.

On the plus side, I dropped fifteen pounds like it was no body's business.

Then before I knew it, it was summer time. I spent my days learning the subtle art of watercolor and cooking meals for PC. I still hadn't fully recovered, but I was happier with where I was in life. Except that I kept hoping things would right themselves the way I wanted them to. Yeah, that never happened. But I kept hoping. I would cross my fingers and wish on stars and I prayed about it a lot. But I kept finding out things that were being hidden from me, lies that I had been told, and looking back now I don't honestly understand why it is that I held on so long hoping things would change. Things would never change the way I thought they would. Life didn't go where I wanted it to.

The end of June I finished my class up and celebrated with friend by going to a party where I met Somebody-Very-Important. We flirted and talked and hung out all of July and when I got back from my trip to Honduras he wanted to make our relationship official. So I went with it. I really liked him. He was the first guy that had got my attention since my big split with PC and I liked the way I felt when I was with him. I liked the way treated me and how he spoke to me. And the fact that he paid for me whenever we went out didn't hurt his cause either. I had been so used to driving everywhere and paying for everything and being the rock in an unsteady relationship that it took a little bit of time for me to be comfortable with the new flow of things - but they were flowing the way that I wanted them to instead of feeling like I was swimming upstream all the time.

PC was still floating around in my life until the biggest lie I'd ever been told came to the surface. I found out things that I had thought would never happen to me - no, it couldn't be. I didn't want it to be that way. He had done some things behind my back that he told me he wasn't doing to my face and then he tried to blame me for finding out - telling me I had been too nosy, that he was only trying to be my friend and I wouldn't let him, when in fact it had been the other way around. And once this had all come out, I couldn't just sit there and let it roll over me like I had done in the past. This time I had to do something about it. PC was interfering with my relationship with Somebody-Very-Important and I had still not completely let him go.

So that's what I did. I shut off all communication with him. I wasn't friends with him on facebook, I didn't instant message him, and I quit answering his text messages. It took me a few weeks to get the courage to go pick up the stuff I had left at his apartment, and when I did that I made sure I didn't have to see him when I came over. It was only after I completely cut him out of my life that I was able to really move forward.

Source: babywalters.blogspot.com via Mindy on Pinterest

I learned how strong I can really be and I figured out who really cares about me. I decided about things that I do like and things that I don't. I don't worry about stepping on toes or making anybody mad. I do what I want, when I want, with who I want. I am myself. I've learned that it's okay to not like all of the same things that the person you are dating likes. I've learned that you don't have to be serious with someone to have fun with them. I've learned that this is my life and I get to do whatever I want with it.

I have a better relationship with Jesus now that I'm not in a toxic, suffocating relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I got to take a missions trip to a foreign country. I have tried new things and I have met new people. So even though I absolutely detested the way this year started, the ending to 2011 is much better than I would have ever thought possible.

This December I am a happy 21 year old with loads of new friends and my own personality and my only resolution for 2012 is to keep exploring myself. I'm not going to expect anything from this next year and I'm not going to set any precedents, I'm just going to let 2012 be 2012 and see where life takes me. A lot is going to change for me this next year - I will move back in with my parents and graduate school and then after that I will just have to see where Jesus takes me. But I know that whatever happens I will always have God and a plethora of people who love me just the way I am even if I don't like myself.

Source: Uploaded by user via Ashley on Pinterest

So Happy New Year to all of you, may 2012 be exactly the year you need.

Christmas

Merry Christmas, bloggies! I know I'm a little late but I have been so busy going here and doing this and visiting them that I haven't really had time to sit down in front of a computer for longer than a couple of minutes. I got to my parents house Tuesday and it's been pretty much non-stop action since then. Which I have loved every second of!

I spent time with Ariel and Zelda the night I got into town and then I followed that up with time spent rock climbing like a boss with TheKeeper and Mimurz and then I had a movie night with all my lovely ladies from summer camp! I feel like I have watched more movies in the past week than I have the entire semester! And I have to tell you, if you have not watched the movie Short Circuit, you need to leave Blogworld right now and go watch it. You can thank me later. (It's on Netflix, if that helps.)

In addition to my seemingly endless stream of movie watching, we did take time church it up Christmas Eve and spent Christmas morning chowing down on the ever elusive monkey bread (made dairy free by mom so I could eat it too!) and skiing to our hearts content at Schweitzer.

I got a telephoto lens for my camera and awesome beyond all reason skull crusher headphones. I bought myself an iPhone 4 so I've been using my 40 dollars of iTunes credit to buy some new songs. On top of that awesome stuff I also got a new helmet and a new pair of ski boots just because my dad loves me.

My mom got a pizza stone, so we're using that tonight because if anything, this is a pizza family. Except now I eat mine without cheese.

All in all though, Christmas this year was a total success. I can't wait for new year's!

Weirdo

I didn't always think being weird was a bad thing. In high school I used to embrace my weirdness. I had weird friends, we had weird inside jokes, we took weird pictures and made weird faces. We owned our weirdness. We didn't let it hurt us, but instead our weirdness defined us. We loved each other and being weird was just a normal part of the equation for us.

And I was totally fine with being weird for a really long time. But I have to confess something, I don't like being called weird anymore. I'll tell you why.

After PC and I broke up we tried to still remain friends. I went with him to a study party last spring semester, where I met a few of his VTD friends and I tried to just be myself. My regular, weird self. I don't know how to be something that I'm not. I don't always say the right thing or know exactly what to do, but who does? And I react occasionally without thinking, just like everybody else.

But this was the first time that the way I was made someone not like me. And it wasn't just that she didn't like me either, the fact that she didn't like me meant she felt like she could be mean to me. And she was. She was mean behind my back. She barely knew me, but she poked at my personality anyway.

I think it's because she liked PC and I was a threat, not because I was weird. But now this is what I associate the word weird with. And it kills me to think about it that way, because what she thinks about me shouldn't matter. What she had to say shouldn't affect me. They tell you that sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you and I've never heard a phrase so false. Words can cut the deepest, even ones spoken in jest.

And this is coming from someone who got in a lot of trouble for her words as a kid.

But I thought that I was getting over my hatred of being called weird. I thought that since I had pushed PC out of my life, and by default also this girl, that I was somehow making progress. I mean, I did make progress in a totally different way, but I hoped that maybe the "weird" word would become okay again.

I thought everything was fine and then Somebody-Very-Important used the word. And I wanted to die. Which caused me to think, why am I letting this affect me so much? Why is being weird such a bad thing? But it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like I was the bad apple you picked up because it looked so good but you flip it over and realize there's big bruise on one side and it's kind of dented. I felt like maybe he wouldn't like me anymore if I was too weird, even though I know that's not true.

Only, I didn't tell him that. I shrugged it off like it didn't matter because I didn't want him to know he hurt my feelings. I just tried to relax and in my head I thought about the words I wanted to say next time someone called me weird.

So I'm saying them now. Being weird is not a bad thing. I only know how to be who I am - I can't be something I'm not. I like pizza but I can't eat cheese. I've always liked Sawyer better than Jack. I sing in the car and the shower. I listen to songs on repeat for hours. I say strange things at awkward times. And I don't always do everything I'm told.

Hi, my name is Natalie and I'm weird.

Who are you?

the end already?

Ladies and gentlemen, the end of the year is upon us, and more importantly so is the end of the semester. Today I turned in my graphic design portfolio, my final essay for history of photography, and my overview of my teaching experience for Art 100. My brain is finished.

But,

(wait for it)

I'm DONE.

(Yes, really.)

For the whole semester, even! I mean wow! How does this happen? You spend all this time cranking out artwork and papers and lesson plans, studying for tests, showing up to class, and then boom! It's over. It's almost a little anti climactic because you put in all this work and all these long hours and then what? Grades. (But really...now what?)

Now I am going to throw myself into some watercolor and make some more cards. And get our family Christmas cards printed. And sent. Because you know what I have to worry about?

Nothing.

Isn't it awesome?

I still can't believe it. It doesn't feel real. This is the weirdest semester of my college career though, let me tell you that. It flew by. And not just like a leisurely plane ride for a couple hours type of flying either. No way. It was fighter jet speed, no delays or cancellations here, folks. Thanksgiving break came and went in the blink of an eye and then there was three weeks left in the semester.

One week where I wanted to pull out all my hair. One week where I turned in a bunch of assignments and cranked out some serious papers. And this week. Which clearly is the week for celebrating. Seriously. It started with my painting being taken captive for display in the Provost office ALL OF NEXT SEMESTER. Yeah, that's right. I know! And now stuff that was due tomorrow and Friday is all taken care of. I mean, I don't want to brag or anything, but I feel pretty rad right now.

So there you have it. Now it can officially be Christmas time. Yes, please.

well, there's that i suppose

So I have been trying to figure out how to start selling my artwork. I was contemplating Etsy or Artfire but neither of those were what I was looking for. I got the idea to try my hand at selling things on TheBlog, except that I really didn't know how I would want to go about doing that and then it just turned into a place to show my artwork. I didn't have anything listed as for sale or a place for payment. Mostly it was just this idea floating around in the deep caverns of my brain. You know how it is.

And then I went to this craft fair with my friend where we ended up selling absolutely nothing to anyone. Rude! So we decided that maybe the blogging idea wasn't such a bad one and hey! but what if we did it together? And that's what happened.

The site isn't fully functional yet and probably won't be up and running completely until January. We have a lot of art to photograph and prices to figure out. There is still a lot of work to be done, but once it's all finished and put together it will be glorious! Glorious! I tell you what!

I am going to list all sorts of things like watercolors, prints, and paintings because I am up to my ears in artwork and but wouldn't it be nice to make some money from all that hard work? Plus the fact that I'm taking three more studio classes next semester which will give me the opportunity to create even more awesome artwork. Dudes, you can't even imagine.

In changing of the subjects, there is some life news I feel that I should bring up. 1) It has been four months since I started dating Somebody-Very-Important. Four months! Did you even know? I mean but wow! I hadn't realized that much time had gone by. And 2) I decided to completely cut out dairy from my diet. No more milk. No more cheese. You know the drill. So far so good, honestly. The only time I really regret it is when people are eating pizza in front of me. But whenever I consume the moo cow products it makes me sick, so it's not worth it to me to try digesting the cheesy goodness.

Also, Christmas is coming up soon - which I think you probably already gathered being that it is December after all. I designed our family Christmas card this year, so if you're related to me you have that to look forward to. In addition to the Christmas card I'm also sending out the most awesome Christmas presents ever - so be on the lookout for something awesome, potentially. But that's all I have to say about that.

Ahem.

And now? Bed time. For real.