Monday, April 6, 2009

When It All Falls Apart

Does that mean it's all fallen away and is lost forever? I don't think so. And I don't really think it's all falling apart, though I'll admit there are moments where it feels as though nothing is how it used to be. I suppose that this is what's considered normal and right.

This past year has been one of incredable change. And this year has started out as one of change as well. I'm beginning to think that nothing will ever be the same again and that it is ALWAYS changing. I'm just wondering when life will settle back down, or maybe if I even want life to settle back down. Maybe I'm getting used to this craziness where I always feel like I'm forgetting something or that I have something else to do I just can't remember what... you know what I'm talking about.

What I don't want to get used to is this feeling of once having people to consider my best friends to have them becoming adults that I don't recognize anymore. Take Belle for instance. We used to be attatched at the hip. We could finish each others sentences and we knew what the other one was thinking. We often had the same ideas and were each other's partner's in crime. Now though, there is a distance between us that we are trying hard to ignore. We know things aren't the same, but we're pretending they are. At least that is how I feel about the situation. I don't feel like she is the same person overall. Parts of her is the Belle that I went through high school with, but now there is a new side to Belle that I didn't know exsisted. It's a crazy, slightly mean, selfish and inconsiderate side to her. I know we all have a side like this, but hers wasn't as apparent before. It's throwing me off a little bit.

Or my other friend - Ariel - has changed significantly. She went off to California for four months because she wanted out of Idaho. She came back, but there are some obvious changes. There are also things that have not changed about her and that I think will never change. But both of these girls were my best friend's in high school and now I feel like things are so different between us, how will we stay friends?

Then there's Sleeping Beauty. Who is a new friend and a good friend, but she is not near as close as Belle and Ariel used to be. Nor do I think I will ever be that close with her. But she does things that I don't approve of. They all do. I don't know how that makes me sound, like I'm taking the 'holier than thou' attitude, but I honestly don't think I'm any better than they are. I just feel judged by them, and that my every move is watched. More so from Belle and Sleeping Beauty than from Ariel to be honest. I feel like Ariel still loves me the same, things have just changed. It's just that this past year has been one big giant roller coaster ride that no one seems to know how to get off of.

And my whole thing with my major I just don't know how to feel. I don't want Facebook to determine my future, but it's completely ironic that I took a quiz on what my major should be and it told me Health Sciences is where I belonged. Not that Facebook quiz's should be the authority on decisions, but that just made me laugh. And then I found out that Belle is going to see a nutritionist who's putting her on a diet because of her blood type. Different blood types digest different foods different ways, so Belle is going to have cut out a lot of things because she has the blood type B. I remembered learning about this from my mentor for senior project in high school. It brought back some memories and kinda helped to remind me WHY I chose the major I did.

But to be honest, I'm still undecided. My dad brought something to my attention - I take the easy way out. I don't really want to give myself totally to one thing. And this is true because I have so many interests that I don't want to pick just one thing to give myself to. As a result, that's transfered over into my everyday life, and it's not a good thing. But now I have to choose because in college, I'm going to have to WORK HARD for anything I want to do. Switching my major is not going to make my life a whole lot easier because there will be other challenges, they will just be different challenges. But I have to decide if I want to stick to my current challenges which requires me to take a whole lot of science courses, or if I want to change majors to something with less science.

So I guess my life isn't falling apart at all - different pieces are falling away and new pieces are falling together. What I really need to do is put this in God's hands because He can handle this. Plus he'll show me a way to deal with everything so that it all turns out alright. Hopefully he'll put some good friends in my life as well. And by good friends I mean ones with the same beliefs and values. Friends that I can fall back on when something goes astray because they will offer more than a shoulder - they'll offer prayer too and unconditional love. I won't have to prove myself to them.

*sighs* Anyway, it's time to get cracking on my English essay about teleportation that I have been avoiding. Mostly because it's not as interesting as I thought it was going to be. Again with the easy way out...


  1. Life changes so much and you are smart to put it in God's hands.

    Hey I am stopping by from SITS to welcome you to our community.

    Have a blessed day!

  2. So I'm a ripe old 29, but I remember those first few years away from high school. People change and you change a lot. It's okay. I think that's what college is for. I promise it settles down a bit when you get a little older.

    Welcome to SITS! I really enjoyed your post.

  3. I'm with K - there are friends that are great for a specific time in life, and then there are lifelong friends that grow and change with you.

    Those are a rarity. But awesome when they happen.

    Welcome to SiTS - Em

  4. Hey girly, I'm just stopping by from SITS; I'm new to the SITS community too. :)

    I graduated from college almost a full two years ago now, but I remember the transition like it was yesterday.

    I went through the same thing with my friends from high school, and in a way I'm going through the same thing all over again. I just got married eight months ago, and I moved to a completely new town where I knew no one but my dear hubby, and my college friends are moving on in their own directions. Life is just one transition after another.

    BUT--God uses these transition periods to grow us and change us. Truth is, you're not the same person you were in high school either. While your friends are changing, so are you.

    God is faithful, though, and he brings people into our lives to fill the holes left by others. His timing might not be our timing, but I'd encourage you to just hold on and rest in Him for now. :)

    Feel free to check out my blog. I see so much of myself in your words. :)

    Chin up! You're not alone, m'dear!


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