I have trouble making commitments to things here and the other day I realized why that is. I am living my life with 'temporarily' in mind instead of 'permanently.' I'm living in this apartment for now, I'm working in this location for now and I'm doing this job for now. I was in school for now, I was living with my parents for now, you get the idea.
It's almost as if I don't even know how to live my life for the putting down of roots or the anchoring of my ship or whatever your cliche phrase of choice may be. I just want out of here so badly, to move somewhere different as soon as I'm able that anything I might do to make this feel more permanent makes me instantly shy away. My heart starts to race, my mind goes in scribbles and my words completely disappear. I don't like to feel tied down to any obligations. I like to have wings, not roots.
Growing up always taught me to think of the next step. I wasn't going to be in high school forever, so I needed to plan for college. I wasn't going to be in college forever, so I needed to plan for life. I'm not going to be in this place forever, so I need to plan for the future.
In the summertime, when life would slow down a little with the absence of school, I was pressured into finding temporary jobs in order to "stay busy" and "pull my own weight." I just wanted some time off. I felt like I just needed to drop everything and take a big restful sigh so I could figure out what I wanted. I feel like I am constantly doing something and that wears me out.
Plus, I don't know if I'm making the right choices for the future anyway! I mean, talk about scary. Welcome to life where the paths are made up and the rules don't matter. I usually talk big decisions over with my parents before I pick what move to make. The idea of making a decision without their input can actually be crippling. So I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to take over my own life and make my own choices without always having to do what they think I should. I know how that might sound, but if I keep relying on them for everything then I will never be able to assert myself as an adult.
Being a "grown up" isn't about reaching a certain age, it's about acting a certain way. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to do that, but the longer I'm floating out here in adult-land the more I'm learning.
It's interesting to me that when I was little I had all these ideas about what it would be like to be a great grown girl. I had all these dreams about where I would live and what profession I would have. I used to wish I could live all over the world and travel to a lot of different places, and what kind of freaks me out now is that living in different places and traveling around the world are actual possibilities and not distant future hopes.
Sometimes we say that parents think your growing up years fly by but that for you they drag on and on - and well, I just don't know if that's true. I feel like it was yesterday that I was this 17 year old blonde girl who just graduated from high school and now here I am at 23, my wishes and hopes becoming realities. Life feels so fast paced for me, like how did I get here, right?
I used to wonder when my life would begin, when would I finally be living my real life? And guys? Here I am. My time is now. My life is happening this very minute. And that is completely terrifying, can you imagine?
//images from pinterest