it's beginning again

Do you remember what I was doing this time last year? I just met the teacher I would student teach under, I spent my first day back in a high school after four years in college and I had just finished working at the theme park. This year is so different from the last! So much has changed and I can't believe I'm here - you know, almost 23 and about to work full time as an art teacher.

This all happened so fast. I student taught which led to a library aide position which led to full time art teaching all at the same school and with awesome people. Today was my first official day back in the halls where I will start teaching next week. I was in my classroom moving tables and tearing down butcher paper on bulletin boards.

Last year I was looking a lot towards my mentor teacher - what to do on each day, where does this thing go, what should I do with this? And now I'm the one charge. I get to make the decisions. I get to say what goes where. It's a little bit scary, all that power.

I am ready for school to start in that I'm excited for the year and to meet my students and to make awesome art projects. I am not ready for school to start in that I still have some rearranging and lesson planning and room decorating to do. I'm really excited mixed with a little bit of a ball of nerves. This is my big girl job. This is the job that comes with a 401k and life insurance. A salary and sick days. What am I? An adult or something? Weird.

And as I am up here preparing to deal with teenagers full of attitude, my friends are down south starting their first week of classes at the university. Honestly, I am a little jealous. I really enjoyed college - the atmosphere, the classes, the way professors treated you more like adults and just expected you to do stuff without holding your hand, the freedom and independence that come with living out of the house. I just keep reminding myself that soon they will all graduate and get real jobs and work all the time and I will still have summers off. And it will be glorious.

Mostly, I suppose, I just can't believe that I'm here. That I'm a real teacher. That I have a real classroom and real lessons and real students. It seems like yesterday I was a little 16 year old girl who didn't know what she wanted in life and now not only do I have a full time job, but it's even in the field in which I graduated. How often does that happen? I mean really. God provides for His children in ways we cannot imagine.

Summer has been crazy and wild and not at all what I expected and I'm pretty sure that fall will be the same way. This 2013 year hasn't ever been what I had thought it would be - always showing me things I didn't think could happen or would happen but did. 2013 has been the year of surprises so far, both good and bad but I think that just makes me more excited for what's to come. Bring on the new school year!

like there's no tomorrow

Life is tough for me sometimes. I am really, really good at letting all sorts of pressures push me from every which way until I find myself on the verge of tears because someone forgot to put ice in my drink. And that my friends is just ridiculous.

Occasionally I find myself in these ruts where I am just not quite me. I'm cranky and frustrated and I walk around looking like I'm irritated at the world - even if I'm not. That's when I have to take a step back and remember who I am and what I like and just how good things really are.

Often I forget who I am. I am someone who normally likes summertime, but this year summer has been stressful for me. I am someone who likes silly things like blaring my car radio and riding with the windows down. I like being barefoot and running through grass. I like not caring what people think and being myself anyway. But sometimes I get so consumed with doing. everything. exactly. right. that I forget just to breathe.

The world gets heavy to carry around on my shoulders all the time. And it also makes me feel miserable.

I have heard from several people that I just put way too much pressure on myself. I hold myself to a really high standard, one that is practically unattainable and then I'm always disappointed and mad at myself when I never reach that goal. But it's time for me to put all of that aside. It's time for me to quit worrying and just relax and be myself.

It's time to smile more. To laugh at silly things. To break out my car dancing skills and rock out like no one cares, because no one does. It's time to tell secrets and love people and go on little adventures. It's time to walk around stores and touch everything. To try on the ugly sweater at Ross just for fun. To jump in the lake at night time with my friends just because it's there. It's time to release the things that weigh me down.

I'm holding on too tight to this life when I should just be taking things as they come. Rolling with the punches, as they say. I can't control everything, though God knows I try really hard sometimes. But it's no fun to feel like I have to worry about every little thing that's happening, so I relearn to let go.

I relearn to relax and to do what I want to do because I want to do it and not because someone is nagging me to do it. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and I don't need to rely on anyone to take care of me except for me (and Jesus, you know). But seriously, I can do more for myself than sometimes I think I can. And that is a good feeling.

Maybe I realized it when packing and unpacking for the camping trip this weekend stressed me out beyond all reason, maybe I realized it when following people who refuse to drive the speed limit made me want to commit murder, or maybe it hit me when I was so frustrated with life that all I wanted to do was sit in a room by myself and not talk to anyone ever again. But whatever the case may be, I can't live my life like this. I can't constantly be upset when everything goes left instead of right.

So today I'm re-choosing to be myself. My life may be in God's hands and I can't control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it and how I view the things in my life right now. To quote my favorite first lady, I've learned that a greater part of our happiness depends on our disposition and not our situation - Martha Washington.

It's time, guys, it's been time for a really long time. It's time to take a deep breath and jump into life with all the courage I can muster. To face my problems head on and to laugh, sing, dance, hope, and dream like there is no tomorrow.

summer shenanigans. life is fun.

I don't know what I had imagined really for this summer, but it hasn't exactly turned out at all like I thought it might. I talked dreamily about moving back to Moscow for the summer and working and hanging out with all my friends, but then that plan kind of fell through and I ended up staying home.

It's funny to me how life almost never works out the way we planned, but it always works out.

This month I'll turn 23. And if you ask me what I want for my birthday I will tell you the same thing I say every year. A big fat resounding "I don't know!" Show of hands for those shocked? Yeah, that's what I thought. No one.

But the more I think about it, money is always a good option. Art supplies too - I mean, an artist can never have too many supplies. Beyond that it's a toss up. I trust your judgement. A million dollars? You shouldn't have! (But seriously, anyone? Anyone? A million? I'll put it to good use, I promise!)

And now for the picture part of my posts, because how will you understand all my summer adventuring without visual representation? Ahem.

 view from work! what! up!

 miss megan just turn 23, exactly a month before me

we're almost birthday twinsies. it's our thing.

 nathan and i played on the rope swing at the beach

somewhere along the way i lost my boyfriend and gained a tarzan

it was awesome

we needed a good adventure so we got in the car and drove

we found this little restaurant on cda lake so we stopped for drinks

i love this guy so much

he's the funnest