Tuesday, February 19, 2013

the new normal

There is so much that I want to say but I don't know how to word it. So I process and I journal and I talk until I figure it out. It's so funny that as little kids we are always in a hurry to grow up and then we get here and go "for the love of bacon, this is tough." 

In order to keep going forward in my life, I have to make certain decisions. Decisions that involve cutting certain people out of my life while allowing others to stay in it - and in addition to those things, I am learning to make new friends. 

PC and I had a terrible conversation the other night. And by terrible I mean I finally had to break down and tell him that there was zero chance we would ever get back together. It hasn't been that long that TheBoy and I have been apart, so excuse me for not wanting to flirt with anyone right away. And um, excuse me? Did PC really think he had a shot anyway? After how he treated me? Was he just hoping I'd forget everything and come running back into his arms? No thanks. I learned a lot from that relationship, and it was mostly how I don't want to be treated. 

And that is part of what makes it so hard to let TheBoy go. He hasn't treated me wrong. He's a great guy. But this thing that we are doing - this civil and friendly way we are treating each other - is not working for me. So in order for me to do what's best in my life, I have to let go. I have to stop talking to him or my door will always be open. 

Through a series of honest conversations with myself, and a lot of journaling, I decided it was time to move on. I wrote a letter to TheBoy that was full of everything I would want to say to him in a perfect world. He will never read that letter, it was just for me to put everything out in the open and move on from there. 

Also, I decided that I have to reach out and make connections here where I am right now at this moment. I can't keep living in the past wishing that I could just go back to Moscow. I can't live that style of life forever and I can't keep pretending that I'm still in school. I graduated. I have a degree and a teaching certificate. And even though school is the only life I know, it's time for me to start defining my new normal. 

And that new normal is taking place here and now and if I'm not careful I will miss it. 

2 comments:

  1. You're doing great Nat. Keep it up. Don't ever forget how you deserve to be treated.

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  2. In the real world, there is no Prince Charming and anyone called "The Boy" is likely too young and immature to be viable "future" material. As for me, I always found the guys my own age to be immature and boring. That's why I preferred to date those older than me and what a find I had in your gramps. I didn't care that he was 5 years older than me. I didn't care that he'd spent 4 years in the navy during the Korean War. I only knew that he was reliable, steady, settled and mature. That was everything I'd always looked for and to this day I can't believe the Lord gave him to me as a husband and that we had such a happy life together. Love you, Oma

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