insecurities

Guess where I am?! Sitting in my room on my bed. That's not terribly fantastic or exciting, I know. At least not to you, but dudes? It has been three months since I've had a space to call my own and I forgot how awesome it feels. No longer am I trying to remember which room did I put that in? And is that out in the shed or not? Do I need to dig through this box or that one? It is greater than sliced bread, I tell you! Sliced bread!!

My teal walls are just lovely and even though I'm back to sleeping on a twin sized mattress, I've never been happier to have my own space. The introvert inside of me died and went to heaven. I mean it too. That chick flat died.

I got home from my trip to Moscow yesterday and found my newly painted bedroom to be occupied by my absolutely adorable great aunt and her friend. I had planned to sleep on the couch downstairs for the night, but that little introvert kicked and screamed and I decided it would be a good idea to crash in the trailer. Where I promptly fell asleep before ten o'clock and everyone was shocked.

But here I am talking about my awesome new digs when what I really want to talk about is TheBoy. I just don't know how to do that and I'm covering with writing about how exciting my room is. And even though it is terribly riveting, my mind is elsewhere. I mean, I have so many questions and worries and things and stuff, but spilling it all out is...well, I mean who do I spill it all out to? And then it just rolls around in my head for days.

To put it bluntly, I wonder do I introduce him to people as my boyfriend? I mean, he never actually asked me if that's what I wanted him to be. We just gradually got closer and closer and other people started calling me his girlfriend before I knew whether or not that was what we were? If that makes sense? And also my Facebook still says I'm single.

And if we're honest, that though right there bugs me. Because, but why should Facebook even matter? Although in today's day and age making your relationship 'Facebook official' is the equivalent to getting 'pinned' back in the day. But it just causes me to wonder, you know, why do I feel the need to validate how I feel about this boy through social media?

But then how do I feel about this boy, exactly? I like him. Actually, I really like him. Which makes me nervous and I'm constantly trying to figure out if I like him too much? Maybe? I mean, I'm not sure how much he likes me and what if I like him more and is that okay? Would that scare him away? And if it would, then obviously this isn't meant to work out because if he really likes me too then it won't matter. Right? But how do you ask someone that? I have no idea how to bring this stuff up in conversation and even in the blog post that transition was anything but smooth. Don't deny it. You're just reading along to see how much crazy this post actually contains.

I think I'm starting to sound insecure, but I'm trying not to be. I'm also trying not to be vulnerable at the same time though. What if he hurts me? I'm petrified that I'm going to get my heart broken again, so I think to myself the less attached I am, the less I'll be hurt if this ends. SVI and I were so not serious that I kind of forgot what it was like to really like someone and how scary it is to trust that person with a really intimate piece of you. TheBoy could easily destroy me and that freaks me out. I don't want to let someone else be in control and if I just don't let my guard down then that can't happen, right?

At the risk of sounding needy or clingy though, I keep all this stuff inside. Seeing it all in writing is weird, like I imagine speaking it aloud would be even weirder. I wonder if it's normal to have all these questions and will people judge me if they know what goes on in my head? I tend not to speak about these kinds of things because I hate being analyzed.

I just want to be that girl who's got it all together and nothing gets under her skin. But I think that's impossible.