bow-ties are cool

Hi.

It seems I don't know how to blog anymore. And leaving comments? Dudes, I'm so bad at it. Between student teaching and heading to Moscow to visit that one boy, it's like I don't even know what to say anymore. 

So I'll try and give you the skinny about everything. It could be long, so take a deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. You know the drill. 

But first! My seester! She is the best, right? I mean, really. 

And now, the stuff. And things. 

Navigating the rough waters of student teaching is proving to not be as difficult as I had originally thought. At first I was like "all my students want to be here! yes! best semester ever!" And then I started teaching lessons. And then I started pushing students to work harder, to give it their best shot. Use the wooden pencil instead of the mechanical. Add value because this is not just a line drawing! 

And I encountered some resistance. Which at first I was like *blink*blink* lol, whut? What is this madness? I kind of wanted to cry a little bit because I felt kind of like I'd failed, and then I mentally kicked myself. I went back over to his table and tried to explain it a little differently to see if maybe I could change his mind? But then when my mentor teacher told him the same thing today that I had told him on Friday and he gave her the same attitude, I didn't feel so bad. 

I knew I was going to be blessed with these sweet moments. However, they still catch you a little off guard at first. Maybe he will like the next project? We'll see. 

Moving right along, you'll notice the walls of my room have changed color. That is because I spent a week painting. It was a long and involved process consisting of multiple trips to the paint department at Home Depot and developing a great relationship with a certain employee who was more than helpful and deserves a plethora of gold stars and awards. Phew, that was a long sentence. I'm glad you made it through. But seriously? I feel like painting took forever and I'm glad it's over. 

I might enjoy oils and watercolors, but friends, interior paint and I do not really get along all that well. I mean, let's be honest here. There's just too much to think about and it all has to be even. Although, as long as we're being honest, I did enjoy strategically placing hand prints on my sister's shirt and the fact that I still find flecks of teal paint in my hair. It's what all the cool kids are wearing, right? 

And then there's the boy. He's good. I'm good. We're good. Long distance sucks. We had to keep posing for this picture until we got it just right. It took like four or five tries. Not that I'm complaining...duhh :)

The upside to getting up early in the morning is that I get to see skies like this. I actually really enjoy being a morning person, I have so many hours in the day to do things! It's exciting! Even though it's not always easy to drag myself out of bed, I'm always glad when I do. 

Ultimately I'd like to wake up early enough to work out before I shower and get ready, but I'm not quite there yet. It would take an extra hour, so my plan is to build up to that. Well, that's the plan anyway. I mean, I have my own room now, remember? So I can totally work out in the mornings if I just find the time...which is really the only problem. Excuses, excuses. Right. 

This week is spirit week for homecoming on Saturday! What up! So I played dress up tonight with my mom's closet. I feel obligated to inform you that sadly she no longer wears this awesome 80s outfit, but she almost convinced me to wear it on Wednesday for decade day. I have opted to go with something a little more subtle than this rad red outfit with the complimentary bow-tie. Although, I make it look good. You have to admit it. 

Okay, not really. But seriously. 

Bow-ties? 

They rock my socks. 

insecurities

Guess where I am?! Sitting in my room on my bed. That's not terribly fantastic or exciting, I know. At least not to you, but dudes? It has been three months since I've had a space to call my own and I forgot how awesome it feels. No longer am I trying to remember which room did I put that in? And is that out in the shed or not? Do I need to dig through this box or that one? It is greater than sliced bread, I tell you! Sliced bread!!

My teal walls are just lovely and even though I'm back to sleeping on a twin sized mattress, I've never been happier to have my own space. The introvert inside of me died and went to heaven. I mean it too. That chick flat died.

I got home from my trip to Moscow yesterday and found my newly painted bedroom to be occupied by my absolutely adorable great aunt and her friend. I had planned to sleep on the couch downstairs for the night, but that little introvert kicked and screamed and I decided it would be a good idea to crash in the trailer. Where I promptly fell asleep before ten o'clock and everyone was shocked.

But here I am talking about my awesome new digs when what I really want to talk about is TheBoy. I just don't know how to do that and I'm covering with writing about how exciting my room is. And even though it is terribly riveting, my mind is elsewhere. I mean, I have so many questions and worries and things and stuff, but spilling it all out is...well, I mean who do I spill it all out to? And then it just rolls around in my head for days.

To put it bluntly, I wonder do I introduce him to people as my boyfriend? I mean, he never actually asked me if that's what I wanted him to be. We just gradually got closer and closer and other people started calling me his girlfriend before I knew whether or not that was what we were? If that makes sense? And also my Facebook still says I'm single.

And if we're honest, that though right there bugs me. Because, but why should Facebook even matter? Although in today's day and age making your relationship 'Facebook official' is the equivalent to getting 'pinned' back in the day. But it just causes me to wonder, you know, why do I feel the need to validate how I feel about this boy through social media?

But then how do I feel about this boy, exactly? I like him. Actually, I really like him. Which makes me nervous and I'm constantly trying to figure out if I like him too much? Maybe? I mean, I'm not sure how much he likes me and what if I like him more and is that okay? Would that scare him away? And if it would, then obviously this isn't meant to work out because if he really likes me too then it won't matter. Right? But how do you ask someone that? I have no idea how to bring this stuff up in conversation and even in the blog post that transition was anything but smooth. Don't deny it. You're just reading along to see how much crazy this post actually contains.

I think I'm starting to sound insecure, but I'm trying not to be. I'm also trying not to be vulnerable at the same time though. What if he hurts me? I'm petrified that I'm going to get my heart broken again, so I think to myself the less attached I am, the less I'll be hurt if this ends. SVI and I were so not serious that I kind of forgot what it was like to really like someone and how scary it is to trust that person with a really intimate piece of you. TheBoy could easily destroy me and that freaks me out. I don't want to let someone else be in control and if I just don't let my guard down then that can't happen, right?

At the risk of sounding needy or clingy though, I keep all this stuff inside. Seeing it all in writing is weird, like I imagine speaking it aloud would be even weirder. I wonder if it's normal to have all these questions and will people judge me if they know what goes on in my head? I tend not to speak about these kinds of things because I hate being analyzed.

I just want to be that girl who's got it all together and nothing gets under her skin. But I think that's impossible.