Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Expect the Worst, Hope for the Best

I hate the phone. Mostly I think because when someone is calling me, I get this death feeling that I'm in trouble and my mind starts going at about 100 miles an hour of all the things I've done since I last spoke to whoever is calling me to try and figure out what they are going to get on my case about.

And 99% of the time, I'm not in trouble.

Yeah, figure that one out.

I also hate being criticized or reprimanded. I seriously can't stand it. Even some friendly 'hey, just to let you know's break me. I don't know why. I seriously don't. But I do know that I hate being yelled at or sternly talked to. I hate when people tell me 'I don't like that.'

But I pretend to put on the tough exterior. I put on my brave face and I wait until I'm in the shower by myself before I let the floodgates open.

And to top it all off, I generally assume things are worse than they really are. Like when my dad called me today to talk to me about a comment I left on a facebook status. He didn't want to hurt my feelings, but he wanted to talk to me about it. He made it sound like people were offended by my remark.

I was worried.

I wanted to avoid the kingdom that is facebook until I felt like I was ready to face the music. I promptly went to the shower and let it all out. My eyes were still red when I donned my sweatpants and sweatshirt. I made it as far as the hallways before I saw Prince coming toward my room to find out where I was.

I stopped walking.

He instantly knew I wasn't okay and spent the next half hour trying to figure out what was wrong. I just talked to my dad on the phone, I just told Zelda about it, and I didn't really feel like talking about it some more.

I felt like I'd let people down. I felt judged and hated and I didn't even want to read other people's replies to my comment because I didn't want to see what I felt was inevitable to find. So I just laid in Prince's arms while he talked about something I don't remember.

And when he left to go shower so we could go to Bob's in our PJs together, I got on my computer. Unfortunately my homepage is facebook. Temptation begged me to read the other comments. I was sure people were angry with me. I was certain my aunt was probably mad at me.

But I thought "they are family! they know me! they know that I don't want to offend them! this is ridiculous!"

I clicked the link, and with guilty eyes I read the other comments below mine. I held my breath.

And guess what? No one hated me. No one was angry. They took it in a light hearted way, just like I'd intended. The point of my comment was that my aunt had typed xian instead of christian and I had to re-read the word to figure out what she meant.

I ended up learning something too. My oma said that X is the Greek symbol that means Christ. (But that still doesn't mean I'm okay with people saying 'merry xmas' because I still think that's a cop out to avoid offending people that are probably going to be offended by Christmas anyway whether or not you wish them a merry one.)

Also it was reinforced to me that I always go into things expecting the absolute worst, and then I didn't get the absolute worst. I actually didn't feel like they hated me at all.

So why do I let myself get all worked up in the first place? Why do I let my imagination get the better of me? I still have no idea.

No. Idea.


  1. Hah, I know what you mean, love. The other day at work - when I was off- I was in the back of the kitchen and lisa was like, "Hey, can I ask you a favor? Can you not lean that way your coat or your hair is too close to where he could potentially be cutting and it might get in it. Sorry, I'm just anal." And she was super nice about it, but I felt like I'd just been slapped in the face, because I felt a sudden embarassing surge of shame.

    And I say xmas sometimes, not as a cop out, though I can understand how it could be seen that way. Usually my reasoning is I'm too lazy to type out Christmas or I'm running out of words in a text. xD What drives me crazy is the "Happy holidays", "Holiday Tree" "Seasons Greetings". Freaking makes me BONKERS!

    I don't care about being politically correct, the united states was founded upon christianity. Anyone who wants to take out the word christmas in public places, get rid of the word god in the pledge of allegiance, and 'in god we trust' on our money can suck it! UGH. People need to learn the history of the united states and stop trying to change our history and festivities.

  2. I am the exact same way, when people tell me they need to talk to me about something I start to panic. I hate that feeling more than anything in the world since I've struggled for years to get past my anxiety and panic issues....

    I'm the same way in that I don't like to deal with confrontation and especially not on the phone. You can never really see how someone is taking something you've said or what they really mean.

    Facebook, as I've found, can often be a place where people become overly dramatic about dumb things that people have said....I found that out the hard way with my family some time ago when I posted that my boyfriend got a house and we were fixing it up. Then a cousin on there called my mother and told her that I helped pay for the house and told her I was moving in soon. This was before my boyfriend and I had even talked to my folks about my moving in....

    But anyways (sorry, side rant) good blog!

  3. I'll say Merry Xmas too if I'm running out of room like King of Fools said, lol. I don't like the "Happy Holidays" thing though. I remember a few years ago, in Washington state somewhere, a Rabbi asked the city if they could put up a Menorah for the Jewish population where they had several Christmas trees up. Well the city got all offended and took down ALL the Christmas decorations. Would it really have been that difficult to put up a couple of Menorah's? He didn't ask for them to take down the decorations, he just asked for his people to be included in the holiday celebrations, and his holiday is Hanukkah, which is during the same time as Christmas.

    Ok, now I am done, lol.

  4. Facebook makes me feel sick sometimes. My problem is getting messages in my inbox there.
    Because I've received a few too many stressful messages there. I got a message on Facebook once that was practically a novel in length, from a friend who'd read my blog, was angry about the things I'd said about her [[honestly I didn't write anything horrible, just that I was jealous because she had YET ANOTHER boyfriend and I was boyfriendless. I was writing about what I thought was a failure of MINE, not hers, but she saw it differently]], and was telling me EVERY SINGLE THING she hated about me.
    By the end of it, I was shaking, and pretty close to losing it.

    Another time I got a message from a friend who had really hurt me. I had written a blog about an anonymous friend, basically telling him our friendship couldn't go on like this, and he needed to man up and apologize for being a jerk (because I'd already apologized to him, and all he'd done was swear at me, and say some of the meanest things I've ever heard him say). Well, he read the post, and he messaged me saying he'd read it and he thought he had to deal with this issue of ours face to face... the message wasn't just to me, it was also to all of our friends with a link back to the post. I told everyone that if he wanted to talk to me face to face he knew where I lived, and he didn't need our friends to stand in as moderators, as if we're in high school.

    There were other horrible messages I got via Facebook, but I'll save you the trouble of reading about them. My point is, now, when I see that little "1" or "2" next to my inbox, my heart starts pounding and my stomach drops. Usually it's nothing to be freaked out about, but I still freak out anyway. I'll avoid reading a message for days, if I think I've done something wrong lately. I've even had friends open them for me, just to tell me who's messaged me.

  5. Oh, Facebook. We love you and usually, you love us back. But occasionally, he make us sweat like a prostitute in church.

    Glad it all worked out.

  6. You and I must be a lot alike. I often re-think and re-think situations like this until I can't think about anything anymore. It's really quite enough to drive anyone nuts, but I think there are definitely benefits to being analytical. 9 times out of 10 I'm incredibly proud of the decisions that I've made because they are well thought out. But, when it comes to things like this, holy moly!

    Take a breather! :)


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