Taking Back My Life

Today I cleaned my room. I haven't done much of anything for a little over a week besides moping around forlornly and weeping before bed. I have been miserable. Yesterday was a little better on the misery scale, but then I was talking to my cousin, and after not crying all day I sobbed a little bit while I was washing dishes at work.

But she helped me see some things. She talked to me about her past breakups and told me how she had felt which matched exactly perfectly to how I am feeling. Even though I cried, after our conversation I felt a lot better.

And then I posted on facebook about how I briefly considered switching schools, and Missile's boyfriend talked to me for probably an hour about it. He has been talking with Prince too, and while we didn't dwell on Prince, some of the things that he told me made me feel a lot better about this whole situation.

I'm focused too much on Prince Charming. Entirely too much. I would just sit and worry that he's moved on. That he's forgotten. I was letting that drag me down, unable to forget about him in everything that I do. I've been with him so long, he's really all I know. It's hard to picture my life without him, but right now what I need to be doing is focusing on myself.

My cousin suggested that I go out and do something for me. I think one of my aunts suggested that too. So today I went and got my hair cut. It's shorter than I usually go, but it was good. It was a good feeling. Like starting over. It was like removing that extra hair also helped me remove that person who I was when I was with Prince so that now I can figure out who I am.

I was just repeatedly beating myself up for what happened. I didn't want it to happen, and I kept wishing that I could change it. I still kind of wish that I could, but I know that I can't. I don't have to forget about Prince Charming, I don't have to leave him in the dust, but I do need to quit making him the center of everything because he isn't anymore. I am. I am the center because it's my life.

I googled churches in Moscow, and I think I found one that I am going to on Sunday. It's an Assemblies of God church, and they not only meet on Sunday mornings, but there is a college youth group that meets on campus every Wednesday. I want to go and see if there are any small groups to get plugged into, because I think that would help tremendously.

And tonight, I am getting dressed up and going out with the girls. That should help take my mind off of things too, so that I can allow myself to move forward with my life. I don't regret spending this last week in agony though, because I think I needed it. I think I just needed to take some time and grieve for all of the things I lost when I walked out of the door, for all of the things that I wished I had when I was in the relationship and never got, and for all of the good things that I did have with Prince.

But now, now it is definitely time to pick up the pieces and step forward. I don't think everyday is going to be happy, happy, happy, but I've got to start somewhere, and I pick today.