HELLO SEPTEMBER

Holy end of summer. Batman. I can't believe it's already September. And that summer is technically over. I mean, what the crap.

I have this love/hate relationship with my birthday. Let's be honest though and say that it's mostly love, just there is this bittersweet thing about the last day of August because I get chocolate cake, but then I also get the beginning of orange crunchy leafs and icy cold breezes. I'm never ready to give up my summer or my tanned skin or the lack of reason to need to wear a sweater. But then fall actually gets here and I'm like...well, this isn't so bad.

Now winter. That is another story entirely. But let's not go there. Especially because this weekend is supposed to be in the 80s and just, words do not describe how thrilled I am about that.

Since I'm not working as a teacher this year, September so far has been weird for me. All three days of it.

Day one I was still out celebrating the 24th year of my life (holy crap how did I get that old?) and then day two was the first day of school - and it was the first year since I was five that I haven't been involved in school in some way or another. It feels like maybe I'm more of an adult now? I mean, these are the deep concepts that go on inside my head.

I have been involved in the school system for a good long time - I mean, every year since I was five I was either a student or a teacher and now, now I suppose I'm neither. Oh sure, I'm teaching a watercolor class at the juice bar downtown but I'm not full time. Instead I'm a hostess at a restaurant and instead of spending the first day of school in a classroom I spent it in a dining room. Which is weird with a capital W.

Today was rainy, preceded by a thunderous summer storm last night over which I was irrationally over excited. But really, can one ever be too excited about a thunder storm? I don't think so. And I'm basically an authority on the subject, so whatever.

And now, I think this rambling post has become quit the accomplished nonsense transmission. Over and out.

THE SUMMER OF MY MOUTH + A REALLY DUMB VIDEO

This has been the summer of my mouth. The summer I turned ten was the summer of camping because we went every weekend. The first summer Nathan and I were dating was the summer of Moscow because I spent all my time there. But this year, summer has been all about the inside of my mouth. Specifically my tooth number ten.

When I was little and my mouth was still growing, I lost my baby tooth number ten and then eventually the one behind it. And when my adult teeth grew in, the one behind my number ten absolved almost all of the root that was holding Number Ten inside my mouth and shoved it out of the way.

When I was 13 I got braces to correct my smile line and we brought the unrooted number ten back to its rightful place in line with my other pearly whites. My orthodontist said at the time that I'd eventually have to have a false tooth put in Ten's place once I was older but that we needed to keep my real tooth in my mouth as long as we could.

We held Ten in my mouth with a wired permanent retainer which was its own barrel of fun for ten years. I couldn't eat corn on the cob or apples whole. I wasn't supposed to eat ribs off the bone, you know, all the fun foods. And I mostly obeyed those laws most of the time.

Recently I'd noticed my little number ten had become more mobile and also that he (she?) would complain if I ate or drank something too hot or too cold. And I knew it was time to evict my poor little rootless Ten.

I had a consultation with an oral surgeon a month ago and he partnered with my dentist to get me all set up. I had X-rays and scans done and I got four cavities filled before I actually had the implant surgery the morning of Tuesday, August 19th.

That was the last day that Ten and I were together.

They sent me home with a pink silicone bandage around my gum where my tooth had been. And then Nathan bought me a huckleberry milkshake and made sure I was still breathing while I slept for something like five hours on the couch after I got home. And then I drunk dialed Joel which I only vaguely remember doing.

The dentist hooked me up with a flipper (a retainer with a false tooth on it) while we are waiting for my implant post to heal. In four months I can have a crown put in and then my smile will be fixed for good.

It sounds so silly, but until I got the flipper fixed I felt like I was probably the epitome of ugly. I had left over fever blister dry skin patch by the corner of my mouth, a couple stress induced pimples on my chin, and I was missing a tooth. To me, I looked like a hillbilly. To everyone else, apparently, I just looked like a six year old who's body was just too big. Think of it kind of like the movie Jack with Robin Williams.

I still feel a little weird with the flipper. It's difficult to eat with it in and when I talk I sound as if I'm hearing impaired. Several customers last night at work made sure to look directly at me and enunciate all of their words clearly while speaking to me. I joked that I should sign when I'm talking and just really sell it.

In order to further illustrate how my enunciation has changed, I just spent the last hour and half trying to film a stupid little video for you guys. It probably took me 100 takes and I still think I ramble too much and honestly, I'm not sure if I say anything really important but whatever. I also changed my outfit three times before I settled on this final video that I'm still not sure I'm happy with. But at least you get to hear me talk, so that's something?

Videos are dumb, but enjoy it anyway ;)

WAITING

All my life I have been waiting for the next big thing. I have heard from numerous people that waiting for saturday, or summer, or next year so my life will actually start is the wrong way to go about it, because, hello, life has already started. I'm already living it. And you know what? I always knew they were right, but I still kept waiting.

This year my word of focus has been "authentic" and when I chose that word, I wasn't quite sure what was going to happen. I sort of knew what direction I wanted to take with that, but at the same time I wasn't sure how "authenticity" was going to present itself.

I believe that being present in your moments is the best thing you can do for yourself - and yet I would still find myself waiting for something to change in order for me to be who I am. When I was a child I kept waiting to be an adult. When I was in college I kept waiting for next year, or for graduation, or for my new job to start. I kept wondering when I was actually just going to be myself and be living my life. I kept focusing on the next and not the now, and what I realized is that it makes it hard to be present in my moments. It makes it hard for me to be myself.

Last summer I had a brief epiphany while standing in the Albertson's building on the University of Idaho campus, which apparently I worded all wrong and made my dad think I was going to quit trying to be a teacher and move back to Moscow for school which wasn't really my intention at all.

And then, this year I lost my position as an art teacher due to budget cuts and there I was, feeling a little directionless and also, waiting. I was having a total identity crisis - like, who even do I think I am, if I'm not a teacher?

I'm not sure when it started to click for me, but I'm beginning to see that THIS IS MY LIFE. You guys, I'm already here. I'm already in it. I don't know how to say in more words that this is it. And I'm not upset about it. I'll find more employment. I'll continue to grow as a person, in my faith, in my relationships.

I work as a night manager at a restaurant and I do odd art jobs for people and businesses. Speaking of which, telling people that yes, I'm the artist, will probably never not be weird. And at the same time, I absolutely love it. Yes, I am the artist. I feel the most at home when I am creating something.

So, I think that authenticity word is actually coming to fruition this year. I am living more in my moments - while still maintaining a healthy dose of concern for the future. I used to live only for the weekends, but now I think it's okay that it's Monday or Tuesday. Does that make any sense?

Maybe this has something to do with the fact that it's also summer time and that helps. It's weird to not be starting to gear up for the fall, no classes to take or to teach. It's just like, here is life. Go and live it.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

///

I worked as an artist for a local business this past weekend. I've never done a commercial piece of art before but I have to tell you, after this experience, I definitely want to do more. So, from start to finish this was probably a good 20 hours worth of work and at the end of it my arms and upper torso were so sore and the tips of my fingers had indents in them from holding the chalk - but it was totally worth it.

concept sketch using chalk pastel on paper 

 concept sketches of sizes and colors. 

the finished product! (the in-between photos are still on my phone and i'm too lazy to pull them off)

(hashtag sorry not sorry)

and now, detail shots!

i'm particularly proud of this beet.

HOW SUMMER SHOULD BE

I walked out of work and the air was dead. It felt warm against my skin, the stagnant kind of warm that preludes a big storm. The atmosphere makes me feel like the air is yellow. Just as the door swung closed behind me and strike of lightning bolted across the sky followed immediately by long, low rolls of thunder.

This is my favorite part of the summer season.

Heading to my car, my eyes were locked on the sky. The clouds had rolled in, nice and dark and eerie and low. I rolled my windows down and turned the radio off as I drove out of the parking lot and into the street. The stop and go traffic let me watch the storm in my rear view mirror - we were headed in the same direction. The sky ahead of me was light and the sky behind me was dark. It was quickly overtaking the lines of cars.

The vehicles in front of me weren't moving and the lane next to me was clear, and as I went to pull into it I noticed the car behind me had the same thought. It felt like we were in a natural disaster movie - evacuating our town from the impending doom. We all had our windows down and a couple cars over I could hear someone rocking out to Eminem. Storm camaraderie at it's finest.

I pulled into the parking lot just as the rain started to fall. Thunder crashed in the sky again, along with a thousand little flashes of light.

"There's a storm outside!" I called as I ditched my belongings in my bedroom. I didn't even bother to close the door behind me. Kicking off my shoes and throwing my purse on the floor, I raced back out the front door like a six year old who just heard the ice cream truck coming. Erik had already beaten me out the door and together we stood on the deck to watch the lightning dance and listen to the thunder boom.

The storm only continued to get louder as we talked about how this felt like the end of the world - in a giddy, hollywood type of way. And then it started to pour. The sky just opened up and wind started to blow and it all came together in the best possible summer storm you could dream up. The rain beat against the roofs of the other apartment buildings in a way that looks as if it were snow drifting on a mountain. The water pooled in the parking lot, the trees were bending sideways and in the distance we could hear sirens.

I felt like my heart was going to explode. There I was, standing out in the rain, surrounded by thunder and lightning. This is all I ever wanted in life. My skirt was drenched and so was my shirt and hair, but I couldn't have cared less. Erik braved the elements and stood in the middle of the parking lot while the rain soaked him through to the skin.

This is how summer should be spent.

We stood on the balcony and listened to the crashes of thunder and watched for spears of lightning. And soon the rain lightened up and the thunder rolled away and just like that we were back to normal.

AROUND HERE LATELY

I think it is the fashion of summer to never turn out like I always imagine it will. I dream of long summer days with no responsibilities and more adventures than I can think up, and then what happens is school gets out and then people nag and nag and nag until I have another job because seriously, what adult takes three months off every year?

So I started working at Le Peep as a hostess and then I'll start managing again towards the end of this month. I jumped in head first the fourth of July weekend Thursday through Sunday when we were the busiest ever and I don't know what it is about having a job that makes me feel like all my freedom has been taken away from me, but it is what it is.

I wanted to take a vacation this summer. I wanted to road trip to a faraway land and spend some time on the coast, but you know, paychecks are apparently more important to everyone else but me. Money is the stupidest. (But let the record show that I really do like working at le peep and i have some of the best co-workers ever. i mean, if i have to work somewhere, le peep is probably one of the best places. just so you know.)

Hopefully I'll find myself on the river in the woods at least once this summer or I just might quit everything and become a hobo who lives on a train so no one can find me and make me become employed. I'm not sure why exactly I have this stance on working - probably because warm summer weather was made to spent laying in the sunshine down at the beach instead of inside a building, but not everyone seems to agree with that?

Anyway, moving on. (That was a great transition, I know. But also, I think it's been over a month since I wrote anything so here you go. I'm out of practice.)

June just seemed to kind of scoot by unnoticed. It rained a lot and people were bugging me to get a job too much for me to really just enjoy finally being out of school for the summer. Teaching is a tough profession and you work really hard during the school year that I feel there is some deserved time off once that final school bell rings the last day of classes.

Now, it's July and I've been a terrible blogger because I've been trying to live life. Working has kept me busy and when I wasn't herding people and keeping track of the wait list and directing customers to their tables, I was helping prepare for my brother's wedding. Mimi and I spent a whole Monday making mints and we had family in town and the Fourth and it was just what seemed like utter craziness that all climaxed last Friday night at 7 when the music started and we all walked down the aisle so my brother could marry the love of his life.

"The Best Day of My Life" by American Authors played over the PA system and my brother started off the procession with the officiant by heading down the aisle. I followed him with my arm linked to a good friend and the rest of the wedding party followed after. We danced down the aisle to the music, setting the tone for what was going to end up being the funnest wedding I've ever attended.

Standing up at the front, under the tree where my brother and his wife exchanged their vows, I didn't expect I was going to cry. I couldn't see Rylie, but I watched my brother through almost the whole ceremony. His lip quivered and his shoulders heaved and his voice quaked with all the pent up emotion one gets from taking a big life step. Their vows were so sweet and personal, their ceremony was simple and beautiful. I think one of the only traditional things that happened was that Rylie wore a white dress and they exchanged vows and rings, but everything else was just simply them.

They are going to be adventure buddies for life and they are going to make blanket forts and eat pizza and raise giant headed blonde chubby babies. And their home is always going to be filled with love - you could see it on their faces and you could hear it in the voices and you could watch it in the way they interacted. They might be young, but they're smart and we are just all so happy to have Rylie as part of our family.

Once the ceremony ended the music started up and we ate angel food cake, mints and fruit until we couldn't eat any more. And then we mingled and we dance and we had a giant nerf gun fight where the best man kidnapped the bride and held her for honeymoon fund ransom (a family tradition). Jimmy and Rylie got married under a huge tree with lights hanging from it and once the sun went down that's where they had their first dance. Rylie's cousin sang "I can't help falling in love with you" and I think everybody cried.

But I'll tell you, my favorite part of the whole evening was when Nathan danced with me under the tree. One of his hands was on my back, the other hand holding my own, my cheek pressed against his chest, the sky was starting to get darker, and the moon was huge over the lake. We were talking about silly things, existing in our own little world. I looked just passed Nathan and saw my parents dancing, much the same way we were. And it kind of made me happy for the way things are right now.

How often I find myself caught up in the hecticness of life and I forget to take a step back and be content with where I am now. This life is the only one I've got, it's my only shot down here on Earth and I will be sad if I am one of those old ladies who looks back on her life and only wishes that she'd paid attention to the 'here and now' more often than not.

Consequently, I don't have a lot of photos from the evening because I chose to leave my cell phone in the bridal suite instead of carrying it with me everywhere like a tumor. But it helped me to be living in the moment more, and to enjoy who I was with and where I was and what I was doing. It helped me to be able to focus on talking with my family, pestering Nathan and being there for my brother and sister-in-law.

We sent them off just before ten o'clock and waved good bye as they headed off to their road tripping honeymoon to start their life as adventure buddies forever.

(Also, since I know you're curious, here are some pictures of the wedding I stole from Facebook.)

rehearsal dinner

dancing down the aisle

ceremony and first kiss!

me and my favorite guy ♥ 

first dance under the lights

yes, that is the moon.