Tuesday, December 9, 2014


So, I am a scoffer of things you know. I scoff at people's lack of driving skills. I scoff at people's taste in music and movies and books. I mean, what else do you do when someone is being ridiculous? You scoff at them, duh. And so I am also a scoffer of tanning beds.

I was that person who was like: "Oh me? No, I've never gone tanning. I've never fake'n'baked. I haven't been so vain for my skin to be a deep brown that I spend half my week laying in fake sunlight. Psh. Lame. "

And then you know what happened? I went tanning. Not for narcissistic reasons either, necessarily. I went tanning because Nathan and I are going on vacation to the caribbean and I didn't want to go down there and turn into a lobster on day two because my pale winter skin is afraid of a little sunlight. When I went to Houston on spring break I burned my skin so bad I was afraid I was going to blister (I didn't, thank goodness). But it made me nervous for the sunshine on this trip so I decided that maybe I would give the tanning salon a try after all. I mean, what's the harm?

YOU GUYS. This is probably the best idea I've ever had. And I am a good idea haver, as a general rule, so these are things that I know to be true deep down in my toes. In December in Idaho it gets dark at 4 in the afternoon. Temperatures can range from well below freezing to the tropical heat waves of the 40s. It is just freaking glorious and I really stinking love it here in the wintertime. (That statement was not sarcastic at all.) (Neither was that last one.) Ahem.

Have you ever read the poem The Cremation of Sam McGee? It is probably my absolute favorite poem in the history of ever and if you haven't read it, then go read it now otherwise you'll have no concept of the allusion I am going to make.

I am totally Sam McGee in that tanning bed for the length of time in which those toasty lights are glowing my body. It is the warmest I will be all day. I spend my time at work and at home always just slightly above freezing - as if I am some type of reptile who doesn't create her own body heat but instead pulls my temps from my environment. My fingers and toes are almost always cold and it is not uncommon for me to violently shiver after having been outside a mere two minutes. My tremors are all shock and awe, folks. Nathan is constantly astounded by just how vigorously my body will convulse and for the duration of the convulsing before my body can shake enough to warm itself back up again.

I always hear things like "you can't possibly be that cold?" and "are you really that cold, natalie?" in response to my shoulders shaking up and down and I speak through chattering teeth.

What's that you say? Put on more layers, Natalie? Oh please. I wear two pairs of pants, multiple shirts, a nice jacket, two pairs of socks and good shoes. There is no fixing this, I am just and forever will be, cold in the winter time.

Sure, snow is pretty and I like skiing, but I really really hate being cold. And now that I know what it's like on the inside of a tanning bed, I may just keep that habit up. For those of you worried about my skin and the potential cancer you can get from beds, don't worry. I haven't turned into that girl who lays in the beds for half an hour sans lotion every day. I will not look like a used leather handbag when this is all said and over with. Pinky promise.

On a somewhat related but also maybe unrelated note, I AM LEAVING FOR VACATION TOMORROW!!!!! Did you catch that? Tomorrow. Oh yeah, where will I be sleeping tomorrow night? On a plane headed from Seattle to Miami. NO BIG DEAL.

Dudes. It's gonna be rad.

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