be bold

There are two weeks left in this semester and that is scary. So much to do, so little time. In reality I will be perfectly okay and I'll make it just fine, but it's that impending sense of doom I can't shake, you know the one. I have to start writing things down because when I don't put them all in order visually they pile up in my brain and clog my thinking patterns and then I start to get anxiety which induces the urge to vomit and that would make no one happy.

The bottom line is that I know God is going to take care of me and that even though this next step of my life is a little freaky, I'm only nervous because it's the unknown. We are all afraid of what we don't know. Those pesky 'what ifs' conglomerate in your head and if you're not careful that's all you think about. What if I fail miserably? What if I'm a huge joke and no one takes me seriously? What if no one likes me? What if this is a big mistake?

I have to keep from going down that road, all it does is petrify me.

So I have to keep reminding myself that everything is going to be okay. Jesus loves me. I mean, he really loves me. When I think about how much He's done for me it makes me wish I could just run into his arms and never let go. Which is how I know that no matter what happens after this semester is over and I have to go student teach, I'm going to be fine. And after I graduate in December, I know that I'll be alright.

I flip flop between being nervous and excited for what is yet to come in my life. Thinking about money and bills and having to pay back my student loans overwhelms me, knowing that there is all this responsibility out there just waiting for me kills me. I'm not ready. I'm so wholly unprepared to take over my life. But at the same time, there is also all this freedom out there for me. I could go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. And that excites me.

It's up to me to boldly go. Not necessarily where no man has gone before, but to just go. It takes guts to live, and well bet me if I don't have any. So yes, I'm scared to take that step and put myself out there and live my life, and at the exact same time I've decided to flip my fears the bird and be myself. Because I'm pretty awesome, and if my God is for me then who can be against me? He's got this covered, all I have to do is trust.

I have the courage to trust Him.

red hair, don't care

Dudes, I don't even know where to start. There are three weeks left until school is out for the semester and summer school takes over my life. The weather has been just downright lovely though, so how can I really complain?

My life is about to change drastically and I'm having trouble handling that. For one, I keep dreaming about SVI and not just dreams that he makes an appearance in, but dreams where he is a major character. It's hard enough to focus on life without him barging into my dreams every night. It's a nightly reminder that I miss him, and it only makes it worse that we can be in the same room together and he won't say a word to me. Like I don't even exist. And honestly, I don't know why this is bugging me so much lately but even though I try to escape it, I haven't been able to yet. Perhaps I just need more time?

For two, I really don't know if I want to teach after I graduate. Ever. I'm trying to have an open mind that student teaching will change my perspective and things will click and I will have a sudden epiphany that yes! this is what I want to do with my life! But right now that enthusiasm is one illusive jerk, slipping through my fingers and admittedly I'm not doing anything to hold on too tight. I'm just so over being in school, so much so that I don't really care to go back to any sort of school environment.

And finally, dudes, I am too poor for this crap. I just spent 40 dollars to fill my car up with gas so I could go home this weekend. Yuck. I need to get out of school and get a real job where I make more than minimum wage and take home pay checks that are over 200 dollars.

All this stress is making do crazy things like color my hair red and daydream about having enough money to go on a cruise after I graduate with a bachelor's degree in something I'm not sure I even want to pursue. Maybe I'll just become gypsy and go wherever the wind blows me. Plan? Why yes, I believe so. I've got a serious case of wanderlust and getting up at 7 o'clock in the morning every day is not helping.