To Feel Alive

Sometimes I like to think that I'm a deep person and that I could find a way to get great meanings out of small circumstances, and then I sit down at my computer and think, who am I joking? I have been lost in a see of work, school, art, boyfriend and music.

Seriously, what is new about that?

Nothing.

I need to have an adventure, I think. Or turn something mundane into an adventure by adding cool people and witty discussions about things that absolutely positively don't matter whatsoever but you argue about them anyway just because you can. Or driving around listening to awesome jams because you have nothing better to do.

You know what the problem is with having nothing better to do? It always feels like you're forgetting to do something, even when you're not. I mean, it's so rare to actually legitimately have nothing to do that when you are faced with that situation it's hard to rejoice in it and not get caught up in the anxiety of forgetfulness. Oy. Vey.

I'm faced with a crossroads though, because this is my last year of school. I'm actually sad about that, how funny am I? First I don't want to be here and I can't wait to get out and now I just want to hold on for a little bit longer. I really don't want to move home in May when the semester ends either. (Sorry Dad.) I'm just used to it here where I do what I want when I want where I want and I don't really have to answer to anyone. And I have a lot of friends here that I feel like I'm leaving behind. I want to enjoy the crap out of my last months in this tiny little town.

I want to make lots of bad decisions and go on plenty of adventures and try lots of new things. Okay, so maybe not a ton of bad decisions, but you know. I want to get crazy. I think that's my goal for this year. Maybe I'll finally get a tattoo. Scary.

Yet

Sometimes I forget who I am. I'll go a whole day thinking things that don't really matter and being quite discontented with my life. I wonder about teaching and do I really want to do that? Occasionally I feel like I am fooling myself into thinking that I want to spend the rest of my life molding America's youth. It is an overwhelming feeling, I have to tell you. And sometimes I just have to forget about it and ponder the idea of dropping out of school and running away to somewhere warm and fabulous. I try to appease myself by buying striped shirts, but that only holds me over for so long.

It is in my blood to travel different places. And I have been travel starved lately. Yes, yes, I got to go to Honduras and that was well and good and all things amazing and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything the world over, but people, I want to take a vacation where I don't have to worry about anything except getting sunburned and finding the perfect souvenir. I feel selfish for wanting that, do you know? But I do. I'm restless.

And but also I am not restless at the very same time, so please tell me how that makes sense? In May I will move back home with my parents, probably never to live in Moscow again. And that's scary. I want to be done, I can't wait to be done! And also I can't believe I'm so close to the end and I want to hold on so tightly because I hate change. What will I do when I go back north? I'm leaving behind a plethora of friends who don't live in the same place I do, and but should I come back and visit? Will I have time? Money? I don't know!

Lately I feel like I'm drowning in all this growing up stuff. It's all I can do to keep my head above the water some days. I have the Praxis test coming up next month, I have to turn in my application for student teaching within the next couple weeks, I have to start thinking about what I'm going to do after I walk across that stage in my black cap and gown with my black and gold tassel and please tell me that it's not really time for another graduation already?

But I have two more semesters before I graduate. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not done yet. I'm not there yet. Yet. Yet yet yet yet yet. Yet is such a weird word. It implies a sense of impending something. The leaves on the trees aren't green, yet. The snow isn't on the ground, yet. But soon. Soon the leaves will be red and orange and yellow and soon after that everything will be blanketed in white.

And when are my leaves going to turn colors? I don't want them to go. I want to hang on to everything in my life exactly like it is right now. Even though sometimes I don't like where I am and sometimes I don't want to do this anymore. But where there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm just not quite there....yet.

a year makes a difference

Life has been so busy lately, it seems as though I am hardly ever home. And when I am home I'm not usually on my computer which directly corresponds to my insane lack of posting and for that, I apologize.

But I have been doing some thinking lately. And by lately I mean in the past ten minutes. I was on Facebook, you see. And I was vainly staring at my own profile because just sometimes I have to do that. I like to look at my profile and try to think of how what's said on there influences what other people think about me. I'm such a cool kid, I know.

And then I was thinking about those status updates from one year ago today used to pop up on the side of the page and I realized that I am in a completely different place now than I was then. I mean, but isn't this always the case? Aren't we always in a different place a year later?  I am definitely not a Ms. Havasham of the world.

Last year I was hurrying to screen print my Poogies in all their striped glory and get a birthday present for the PC. This year I am painting and graphic designing and two month anniversarying with somebody-very-important. Two months I have mixed feelings about. One month is kind of a big deal only because you are there all of a sudden scratching your head going "where has all the time disappeared to?" But two months! Two months is nothing to spit at in the grand scheme of things. It's like the Tuesday of anniversary celebrations. Mostly I am not a celebrator of the anniversaries when they are still in month format. I think the being together of the 1 month, the 6 months, and the year are really the only ones worth mentioning.

As it is, a year ago I wasn't the same person that I am today. I went back to read my October 2010 blog posts and I couldn't bring myself to get all the way through them. Mostly because they involved you-know-who and since the big blow up this summer I'm not so keen on bringing him back into my life in written form or otherwise. I mean, sometimes we text but it's really not a lot and I don't hardly ever see him. Which honestly I think is for the best. At least for now.

I think it will be fun though, to look back on myself in another year and see just how different things are then. I will be student teaching if everything goes according to planned. And I will no longer be in Moscow at school. And who knows if I will still even be friends with my somebody-very-important! There is so much that's up in the air! But at the same time, that's what helps make life so exciting. You don't have all the answers and you never will. And that's scary, but also thrilling. So very liberating.