Thursday, October 13, 2011
Sometimes I forget who I am. I'll go a whole day thinking things that don't really matter and being quite discontented with my life. I wonder about teaching and do I really want to do that? Occasionally I feel like I am fooling myself into thinking that I want to spend the rest of my life molding America's youth. It is an overwhelming feeling, I have to tell you. And sometimes I just have to forget about it and ponder the idea of dropping out of school and running away to somewhere warm and fabulous. I try to appease myself by buying striped shirts, but that only holds me over for so long.
It is in my blood to travel different places. And I have been travel starved lately. Yes, yes, I got to go to Honduras and that was well and good and all things amazing and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything the world over, but people, I want to take a vacation where I don't have to worry about anything except getting sunburned and finding the perfect souvenir. I feel selfish for wanting that, do you know? But I do. I'm restless.
And but also I am not restless at the very same time, so please tell me how that makes sense? In May I will move back home with my parents, probably never to live in Moscow again. And that's scary. I want to be done, I can't wait to be done! And also I can't believe I'm so close to the end and I want to hold on so tightly because I hate change. What will I do when I go back north? I'm leaving behind a plethora of friends who don't live in the same place I do, and but should I come back and visit? Will I have time? Money? I don't know!
Lately I feel like I'm drowning in all this growing up stuff. It's all I can do to keep my head above the water some days. I have the Praxis test coming up next month, I have to turn in my application for student teaching within the next couple weeks, I have to start thinking about what I'm going to do after I walk across that stage in my black cap and gown with my black and gold tassel and please tell me that it's not really time for another graduation already?
But I have two more semesters before I graduate. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not done yet. I'm not there yet. Yet. Yet yet yet yet yet. Yet is such a weird word. It implies a sense of impending something. The leaves on the trees aren't green, yet. The snow isn't on the ground, yet. But soon. Soon the leaves will be red and orange and yellow and soon after that everything will be blanketed in white.
And when are my leaves going to turn colors? I don't want them to go. I want to hang on to everything in my life exactly like it is right now. Even though sometimes I don't like where I am and sometimes I don't want to do this anymore. But where there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm just not quite there....yet.