Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I have struggled with what to write in this blog lately. I used to write about everything that happened to me and I used to try and turn mundane things into funny stories, but I've been having a lot of trouble with trying to figure out how exactly to do that.
And plus I feel like all I want to write about is the same thing over and over again, which is that growing up is scary. I'm facing things now that used to only be a blip on my radar screen, but now they are actually happening to me. Graduation. Student teaching. Looking for a job in the real world. Facing the possibility of moving out of the state so I can actually get a job. Thinking about these things makes my breathing a little shallower and my pulse a little faster. But these are real things and they are happening.
It seems as if my entire life is in hyper drive right now. The semester started off a little slow and then midterms came out of nowhere. Now, all of a sudden it seems like projects are due all the time. Papers need to be written all the time. Things need to be printed and mounted all the time. My life revolves around school and work and I'm starting to feel exhausted. The worst part is that I don't even think Thanksgiving break will really be a break. I'll still have homework to do.
And then when we get back from break it will be all projects and making sure all my "t"s are crossed and my "i"s are dotted and that everything is right where it needs to be so that my butt is lined up to graduate next December. Seriously, all I want to do right now is hit the freeze button and fly away somewhere very far away for a month. A whole month, I wouldn't know what to do with myself! I don't really know what to do with myself as it is though, so there's that.
To top it all off I have been toying with the idea of becoming vegetarian. I don't usually eat red meat as it is anyway, but I'm not quite sure if I want to give all of it up. I really do like chicken and turkey and fish. I also think about cutting out all the dairy in my diet. I'm not a big fan of cheese and I quit drinking milk a while ago, but I do really like eggs. I feel like this is a boring thing to write about. On to the next topic? Okay? Okay.
Let's talk about PC. Because I feel like I ought to inform you about him as of late. You see, we are no longer on speaking terms really. He's got his life and I've got mine and I don't really ever think about him except for sometimes, usually when he randomly texts me out of nowhere. And wouldn't you know it, just the other day I finally deleted his number out of my phone.
Big life step right there, let the record show.
And then not a day later I get a text that says "Awake?" from a number that's not in my phone. I texted back asking who it was and the second after I sent the message I realized that I recognized the number. It was him. He answered back and I didn't. I couldn't. I wanted to punch him. I wondered why he couldn't just leave me alone.
The next morning he texts me something about video games. I ignored it. And that same night he texted me again about something of zero importance and I finally (finally!) told him to stop texting me, please.
Yet another big life step right there, I was on a roll.
I just can't be friends with him. Not after what happened, not after how he treated me. I know he wants to be my friend, but he can't go back in time and undo the awful things that happened between us. He can't take back the lies that he told and the things he tried to cover up. My life is so much happier without him in it. There's so much less drama and pain and tears. I almost forgot what it's like to be this way and then I think about my someone-very-important who is super adorable and my favorite and I wonder why I put up with PC for so long. I was just afraid of the unknown.
But if there's anything I've learned from this situation it's that letting go was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Boom.