Saturday, June 4, 2011

wherein i confess to you my true colors

Can I just tell you something? 

I am not a people person. 

And that makes me nervous, a little bit. 

I'm more inclined to become annoyed with strangers than have patience. I'd rather not talk to you if I don't have to. If I'm surrounded by a lot of you, I'll find a quiet corner to be by myself after an hour or two. 

It's not that I don't necessarily like meeting new people, it's just that well, really, I'm not that great at making conversation. And sometimes I can come off too strong or too sarcastic and then maybe hurt your feelings and then I beat myself up about it for days. For days! I am not kidding! I am the type of person who will have a conversation with you and then afterwards I will analyze everything we said and worry that I did something stupid to make you think less of me. Yeah, I know right? Weird. 

Also, I'm not that great at making friends. All of my friends have made friends with me, I didn't go seeking them out. Usually something circumstantial throws me in with new people, and from those new people a couple of them befriend me, and then voila, new friends for Natalie! Did you notice how none of that involved me being proactive and heavily involved in the friend making process? 

Therefore, I am still in kindergarten in regards to making friends with someone. Even my best friend in elementary school is the one who came up to me and said, "I'm _____, let's be friends." (Because that's how it's done in the kindergarten world, everyone knows.) 

Unfortunately, I'm also not one to keep a friendship going. If you don't text me, I probably won't text you. And trust me, it's not because I don't like you anymore! Sometimes I make plans with people, but to me it's always awkward and I spend hours (hours!) wondering what we'll do? What should I say to you? Where should we go? Heaven forbid we become bored, then what? And it's just a lot more worry than I can handle sometimes. But now, now if you plan something, great! I might show up and be entertained. Or maybe I will just decide that I'd rather stay home and sit on the couch watching TLC and DiscoveryHealth until bed time. You know, because both options are fun. For me, anyway. 

However, this has presented a problem to me as of recently. Mostly because I have no one to hang out with here in M-town. All my ready-made friends are gone gone gone with the exceptions of a one Prince Charming, a one Missile, and one of the "Sirs" from my freshmen year if any of you remember that time in my life (except I haven't actually spent time with him yet, he's just here. Again, a product of the whole lack of motivation to make plans with people). 

Prince told me I should make friends with someone from my summer painting class. I don't know if I could do that. I don't know how you make friends with people? Plus, I get scared and my heart beats really fast and then words get caught in my throat and I feel like no one really wants to deal with that. Kind of like talking on the phone... 

I really don't know how I ended up not necessarily liking people all that much. I tend to roll my eyes a lot and wonder about other people's intelligence levels. I'm not actually a mean person, I promise! I mean, I have to talk to people at work, and hopefully none of them think I'm mean otherwise I don't think I'd still have a job. But it is what it is, I think. And I think that even though I don't like approaching new people and I like being alone sometimes, I don't like being lonely. I need more friends. 

I'll have to work on that, hmm? Do you want to be my friend? (Probably not now, after I insulted your smartness and said I roll my eyes a bunch, huh? It's okay. I don't blame you.) 


  1. Natalie my dear, you are most definitely my friend. And I actually understand about the whole friend thing, I'm sometimes super shy!

  2. I'm kind of like that too.
    I'm not someone who is always heavily involved in my friend's business. And like you said, I'm fine with being alone.
    I'm not insecure about it.

    And about over-thinking about past conversations, I used to do that too, but then I taught myself to lighten up a bit. And I found it helped.
    Maybe you should try it. [:

  3. I feel your pain. Especially about coming on too strong or sarcastic and wondering about peoples' intelligence levels...aaaaand now I sound like a jerk D:

    I really wish things still worked like kindergarten, you know? "My favorite color is green too! Let's be friends!"


  4. This is freakishly close to how I am. Thanks, this was like looking in a mirror. I have some stuff to work on now.


  5. I totally feel you on a lot of this. I'm terrible at making friends. Most people think I don't like them at first because I just don't talk a lot, and maybe come off as snobby.

    Mostly, people exhaust me.
    I need alone time, or at least a time where I don't have to think of conversation topics, just sit with my friends watching a movie. It's great.

    I'm introverted I guess, and that's not a bad thing. Extroverted people get energy from interacting with people, while introverted people are drained by it. I like talking with people, but as I said, after a while I need quite time.


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