Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Wednesdays Are Too Hard To Comprehend

I hid Prince Charming from my facebook updates. I moved some pictures into a different folder and hid it. I don't know how to move on. I don't even know if I want to move on. I don't want Prince to move on. My problem is that I want to move backwards instead of forwards.

Memories just come flooding back from when it was fun. When we were so happy. You know, I always thought that I would marry him. I thought that, legitimately, we would always be together. Our relationship started out so strong, and so great. My mind keeps wandering back to that place. I've been wearing the sweatshirt he gave two Christmases ago all day today because I had a "surprise" art history test, my least favorite field trip day teaching, and TOM came to visit and I just, I wished for the billionth time that I could just go crawl into Prince's arms and pretend that everything was really okay.

And then I saw him while I was walking back to my dorm room, and then he texted me because he's a rule breaker. And then I just wanted to die.

Okay, that's a little over dramatic, but seriously I don't want to be here. I want to run away or something where I don't have everyday reminders of what's going on. He deleted pictures off of facebook. He's doing what he has to to move on. And that hurts, because I feel like he is erasing me from his life.

I don't want to be erased. Or forgotten.

I don't want to forget about all the plans we made for the future. All the animals we talked about having. The life we wanted to live, together.

You know, I can't even play Plants vs. Zombies on my iPhone anymore, because that's what I used to play when I would go hang out with Prince Charming while he was playing video games on the PS3.

I can't believe it's so over. I can't believe that I actually have to figure out how to move on. There's nobody else I want to date. There's no body else. At all. And I don't want there to be anyone else for him. Maybe that's selfish, but that's totally how I feel right now. I feel like we are just throwing away everything that we had by moving on, and I can't throw it away. I can't do it yet.

I don't know when I will be ready to do that, but right now it's just too soon. I mean, I cry when I see him. When I think about him. When I wake up after dreaming about him. I need to get out of here. Get out of this place. Go away. Would that help?

I have no motivation to go to school. I just do it because I have to. I have no motivation to go work. I just go because I can't afford to be broke. The only reason I go hang out with friends is so that I'm not crying alone in my room because I know that's bad for me even though it's all I really want to do right now.

How do you make these memories go away? Prince did a lot of things in our relationship that he shouldn't have, but I'm still so hung up on him that moving on is practically impossible right now.

I haven't cleaned my room in a week.

I only shower when absolutely necessary.

I don't eat very much, only when my stomach absolutely demands it.

I wake up with stomach aches. And I cry myself to sleep.

All because I refuse to let go and move on. I don't know how much longer I will allow myself to be miserable, but at this point, I feel like being happy is cheating because I still miss him in everything that I do.

Tonight I am going out with a friend to the photography club here on campus. I don't really know what to expect, other than it will be fun. Maybe I will meet new people. Maybe I will have a good time. And then I will hang out with the King of Fools herself after photography club is over.

Today has been super difficult. I wish February was over already. I don't know how much more of this I can take.


  1. Oh, Natalie, I'm so sorry this is so rough for you. I went through a heart break like this a few years ago and I know that you probably feel like you basically just want to die because it would be easier than waking up every morning with Prince.

    I wish I could tell you that "_____ is how you cure it." But there's no one solution. Which sucks.

    For me, I did escape. I actually moved away, to a town where we'd never been together. But you're in school, so I guess you can't drop out, but maybe take a weekend to go somewhere with the girls, somewhere you never went with Prince.

    Keep spending time with the girls. Don't hide in your room too much, but do spend some time with yourself. I know it's hard to see it now, but I know that you'll be all right some day. I promise. <3

  2. Oh you sound so sad :(

    I know you don't want to get up and go out into the world, but I think it's the best way to get more emotionally stable.
    Distraction is the key.
    Force yourself to find the good in everything. And don't allow those good thoughts to be tainted with bittersweet memories.

    In high school I developed this technique which I found worked rather well, especially during difficult times: When you wake up in the morning tell yourself, "Today is going to be a good day."

    Not the best day of your life, not the worst day, but just a good, regular, decent, okay kind of day. If you start off the day with that positive note, even if bad things happen, you'll find yourself focusing on the good. And at the end of the day, when you reflect, you'll find yourself remembering the good things as well, and any negative things will fade out.

    Just a suggestion.


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