Some people like to choose themes for their year in January when we change calendars. I've never done that before. I prefer to just let my years decide for themselves what they want to be - who am I to place them in a mold? I don't like being placed in a mold and I don't think a year would very much enjoy that either.
But it feels like this year has been very much about change - just as last year feels it was about change. I mean, ever since I graduated high school in 2008 (was it really that long ago?) it feels like everything has been one whirlwind ride after another.
My first year of college was all about learning to be independent and letting go of friendships that had fallen through. Ariel and all that drama was my main source of stress the first semester of freshman year. But a lot of that has remedied itself since.
This year the friend drama surrounds Belle and her lack of ability to make good decisions due to her constant state of being high on pot. Did you know she's already missed two days of class this week? She's been in Walla Walla with Beast since Friday I believe. Does her mother know where she is? I think not.
But I don't understand how she can be away? I feel like I'm drowning in school work. I have so much to wrap up before the end of the year! I have this project and that project and this to do and that to do and here to go and there to go and all I want to do is sleep. I want to close my eyes and then wake up with everything magically righted. Ha. Fat chance.
But if we're dreaming, we should dream big, right?
That's my philosophy anyway. If I were to even have a philosophy, actually, I imagine that might be what it is. Dream big. I always have liked dreams.
Besides the friend drama that I can never seem to escape, I learned this year what loss feels like. And let me tell you, after I found out my grandpa had passed the only place I wanted to be was home. I didn't want to focus on school. I just wanted to be away from it.
Today I talked to my mom some more about Belle. I really want to call her mother and let her know that her daughter is making some seriously poor decisions, but I haven't got the guts to do it yet. I will cry. I will be angry. I don't want to come off as accusing or irrational. I want to make a convincing argument because what mother wants to hear that her daughter is skipping loads and loads of class and getting high at her boyfriend's house? No mother wants to think her daughter is even capable of such things.
And after I got off the phone with my mother the only place I wanted to be was home.
I contemplate seeing if the Coeur d'Alene campus offers the classes I need - but I doubt they offer what Prince needs and I would't want to be that far away from him again. Also I just think it's easier to be here. I've built relationships with some of the professors. I don't want to start completely over again. Plus I just petitioned to get into the College of Ed so I might as well just stay put.
The good thing is that in a few weeks it will all be over. I'll be home. Or actually, California for a week and then home. And then I'll be ready for camp by the time mid-June shows up. I've always been an independent person.
I assume it's because I'm the oldest of four kids.
But who really knows? For sure, anyway. Well, besides God. He doesn't count because he knows everything.