Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Battle of Wits - Which I Clearly Mastered. Clearly.

It was war. It was war when I heard that all too familiar flutter of insect wings inside my all too tiny prison cell sized dorm room. It was war when out of the corner of my eye I saw a little blackish dot buzz from the window to under my desk. It was war when TheBug cuddled up somewhere cozy and refused to leave my room.

Hello there Buggie-Boo, this ain't the late great insect hotel and you don't have reservations to stay the night. No siree.

There I was, just sitting on my bed studying for my Art 100 test tomorrow afternoon when I heard it. Wings buzzing. My heart jumped. It's still winter. There aren't allowed to be bugs alive just yet. But I remember smashing a wasp on the concrete sidewalk this morning on my way to class. Wasps. I hate wasps. I hate bugs, actually. All bugs of the insect variety with exoskeletons, wings and stinging butts of doom-y gloomy pain.

But I saw nothing. 

I tried to tell myself it was just a noise. Potentially it was even coming from outside my shut and locked window with a screen to keep pesky parasites out. 

And then I heard it again. But this time I saw the little booger! He went sailing through the air and landed himself in the dark murky dusty underside of my desk. A desk that, mind you, is connected to the wall and therefore immovable. 

Nor did I really want to wrangle myself an annoying six legged creature either. He could just lay there and die for all I cared. Which actually, I hoped he would do. Die there. And then I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. I could pretend he no longer existed and then I wouldn't have to live in constant fear of being bombarded by some flying machine in my sleep or waking up with a poisonous bite on my arm only to be rushed to hospital and die a painful death myself.

I opened the door in hopes that the new territory would lure the bug out of my room to explore other areas of conquest. Unfortunately I had no such luck. That bug was having none of it and was perfectly content wherever he had stationed himself and he didn't whatsoever want to be moved, or found. So I sat on my bed cautiously waiting for any sign that TheBug was on the move.


LadiesMan came in to harass me after the bug had mysteriously disappeared. I told him of the insect's existence and he only laughed at me! I pleaded with him to find that darned thing and squash it, but my pleas he ignored - giving that thing time potential time to multiply and plot it's buggy world domination. Yuck. 

I reluctantly finished up the material I was studying and left. Locking the door behind me. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to close the only route to freedom TheBug had left, but what was I supposed to do? I'm sure as the day is long that I'm not gonna abandon my room for an hour with the door unlocked, and *gasp* open!

Prince Charming was playing Bioshock and LadiesMan was listening to music, and before I knew it I forgot all about Sir Bugs-A-Lot. Until I had to go back to my room for a shower. I opened the door, awaiting the kamikaze death bug that was sure to fly straight for my head to eat out my brains. 

But again, nothing.

So I showered and brushed my teeth and put on my P-Jams when all of a sudden!

Prince opened the door. (But I had you thinking something else, huh?) 

He came to say good night and tell me that he beat his video game. I wanted to show him some of the drawings I did today in class working with a nude model. I'm actually getting better at the human figure. It's hard to get proportions correct, but I'm learning. Anyway, I go to open my portfolio that's laying on my rug when I saw him. 


Staring me in the face with it's little evil demonic death glare that all bugs have when they are about to attack. Face to face with my nemesis, I thought to myself "this means war!" And then I promptly jumped three feet in the air and backwards and screamed like a little girl. 

"Do you see it!?!?!" I shrieked pointing to the bug. Prince stepped forward and upon further inspection saw the little brown sadistic pest. 

"It's just a wood beetle. It came from outside," he says in a very anti-climactic-why-the-heck-did-you-freak kind of tone. The fright left my face, but my heart was still racing. I. Hate. Bugs. Poor Prince-y does too. But he's the boy. So I made him kill it.

I handed Prince the paper towels from my vanity and he picked up TheBug and flushed him. So now he's on his way to the Pacific because as all the good kids learned in Finding Nemo - all drains lead to the ocean. You better believe it. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard the familiar woosh of the water in the toilet bowl being drained. 

Bye bye Bug. When you wage war with Princess Cinderella Natalie - it's plain and simple. You make her scream like a little girl and then you get crushed by her protective boyfriend. Good riddance to bad rubbish in a world where rubbish equals bugs. 

I hate spring. It brings in the bugs.


  1. Oh, there's nothing worse than the buzzing in a closed room in winter. Thank goodness for Prince Charming!

    You're still good for tomorrow's BlogTrotting post, right?

  2. In Hawaii I had a variety of insects and creepy crawlies enter my space. There were little bugs that could fit through the holds in the screens, and they would hit the lightbulb of my lamp and die all over my desk. Then one night I woke up to a cockroach climbing on my foot. That's right. A cockroach! Last Easter I was just coming out of sleep when I noticed something on the wall right next to my head, roll onto my sheets. It was a HUGE FREAKING SPIDER! My roommate and I never found it...
    Then when I lived in New Hampshire with my ex, he woke me in the middle of the night once to tell me he felt something fall on him.
    We turned on the lights and found out MAGGOTS were falling fro the ceiling right over our bed. MAGGOTS!!
    Gross, but probably the best story ever.

  3. You forgot a small detail....

    "GO BUG GO! GO BUG GO!" you know think I'm awesome!


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