Thursday, May 7, 2009

What I Want

It's a funny thing to ponder what I want. I usually don't get what I want, so I don't ever say if I want something or not. People have said they'll do things, only to back out last second. Getting excited about something, I will always have reservations because I know there is a likelihood that it won't happen.

There is also a big difference between a want and a need.

I want to be home this weekend.

I need to be here this weekend.

I'm mad at Belle for leaving to Walla Walla midweek. Mostly what I'm mad about is that I have to hear it through the grapvine and she won't come out and tell me herself. What kind of friends are we now? Where we never see each other, we don't talk unless we're angry at each other and feel like sorting it out. Ariel came to visit and when the two of them are together I don't feel like I belong there.

Sir Veracious told me that I keep getting shafted by my friends here. Belle chooses Beast above EVERYTHING else in her life. Sleeping Beauty is looking out for her Numero Uno. Zelda works all the time and we never see each other. And I'm too timid to speak out to any of them. I put on this front like I do whatever I want to do, but that's not really true. I'm a big people pleaser. It took me a long time to even figure out that it's really okay if my thoughts on something are different from somebody else's and I don't have to think just like they do to be friends with them. I'm still trying to own that. Sometimes I fall back anyway and just agree with something I don't really agree with because I don't feel like it's okay to come from an opposing view point.

But I'm starting to get tired of always being shafted. And then I feel like a selfish brat when I want something to go the way I planned it in my head. Like I should be more considerate of other people.

You see, when Belle goes to Walla Walla she doesn't come back to Moscow until later in the day. But when she goes home to Hayden, well then she leaves about noon. And Sleeping Beauty used to leave in the early afternoon, which worked out better for me, but then she met her Prince and now she leaves really late Sunday night or early on Monday mornings. So before I got my own car, I was kinda SOL as to when I was going to leave town and with who.

It's like my opinion doesn't matter.

About anything.

Except pertaining to me.

Just you know, everything else doesn't count for beans. Awesome.

I want to be home. I want to be in my house with my parents and my siblings and my boyfriend where I feel like I might just actually matter. You know, like people might actually care. That and I really need to do some laundry.

Anyway, this weekend I should probably study for my final on Wednesday. And my CORE final on Tuesday morning. It's going to be tough when I'm going to spend the whole weekend wishing I could hug Prince-y.


  1. Prince-y misses you too, just so you know and he's got a deathly Biology exam to take.:o


  2. Aw, well, I hope your friends are around more soon, and hope all your tests go well!

  3. It's not selfish to want to have a voice, to want to be heard. If it helps, I completely understand the excited but reserved phenonmenon. I've lived that way, well, since probably middle school.

    There comes a time you have to draw a line. Friends who keep shafting you get demoted to acquaintences that you'll hang with when it's convenient for YOU--because, let's face it, if they're not being considerate, they're not worth centering your whole world around. (Perhaps I've talking through the lens of my own bitterness, but it's worked for me.)

    I am sorry you have to go through all of this, though. It's no fun. But at least you have your Princ-y! He sounds like a good one; hold on tight! :P

    P.S. I'm still working on that decision-making post. It's been crazy in Paige-Land...the hubster has been wrapping up his senior design project, and I'm road-tripping to Arkansas this weekend. Hopefully next week! Be on the look-out!

    P.P.S. Good luck with finals!!


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