Occasionally I find myself in these ruts where I am just not quite me. I'm cranky and frustrated and I walk around looking like I'm irritated at the world - even if I'm not. That's when I have to take a step back and remember who I am and what I like and just how good things really are.
Often I forget who I am. I am someone who normally likes summertime, but this year summer has been stressful for me. I am someone who likes silly things like blaring my car radio and riding with the windows down. I like being barefoot and running through grass. I like not caring what people think and being myself anyway. But sometimes I get so consumed with doing. everything. exactly. right. that I forget just to breathe.
The world gets heavy to carry around on my shoulders all the time. And it also makes me feel miserable.
I have heard from several people that I just put way too much pressure on myself. I hold myself to a really high standard, one that is practically unattainable and then I'm always disappointed and mad at myself when I never reach that goal. But it's time for me to put all of that aside. It's time for me to quit worrying and just relax and be myself.
It's time to smile more. To laugh at silly things. To break out my car dancing skills and rock out like no one cares, because no one does. It's time to tell secrets and love people and go on little adventures. It's time to walk around stores and touch everything. To try on the ugly sweater at Ross just for fun. To jump in the lake at night time with my friends just because it's there. It's time to release the things that weigh me down.
I'm holding on too tight to this life when I should just be taking things as they come. Rolling with the punches, as they say. I can't control everything, though God knows I try really hard sometimes. But it's no fun to feel like I have to worry about every little thing that's happening, so I relearn to let go.
I relearn to relax and to do what I want to do because I want to do it and not because someone is nagging me to do it. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and I don't need to rely on anyone to take care of me except for me (and Jesus, you know). But seriously, I can do more for myself than sometimes I think I can. And that is a good feeling.
Maybe I realized it when packing and unpacking for the camping trip this weekend stressed me out beyond all reason, maybe I realized it when following people who refuse to drive the speed limit made me want to commit murder, or maybe it hit me when I was so frustrated with life that all I wanted to do was sit in a room by myself and not talk to anyone ever again. But whatever the case may be, I can't live my life like this. I can't constantly be upset when everything goes left instead of right.
So today I'm re-choosing to be myself. My life may be in God's hands and I can't control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it and how I view the things in my life right now. To quote my favorite first lady, I've learned that a greater part of our happiness depends on our disposition and not our situation - Martha Washington.
It's time, guys, it's been time for a really long time. It's time to take a deep breath and jump into life with all the courage I can muster. To face my problems head on and to laugh, sing, dance, hope, and dream like there is no tomorrow.
