Thursday

I suppose part of going through the process of heartbreak is thinking about and missing all of the good things. Hearing something that reminds you of something that sends you back to a time with him and you were doing something and it was fun, and then the tears just brim at your eyes but you're in the middle of class, so really, what can you do?

I think what I'm going to miss the absolute most is laying my head on Prince's chest, watching a movie, while he plays with my hair. Those moments were just so perfect. So incredibly perfect. Everything I could have ever asked for.

I'm going to miss his hugs. A warm embrace to fall into when the world is so mean.

I think what hurts so terribly, is that I chose this. I ended the relationship. It was my decision, you know? I wonder to myself if I could back and change my decision, would I? Was it better to just continue on with the familiarity? To have someone that even though the "romance" was fleeting, he still would be there for me when I really needed it?

I feel like I need him now. I feel like I just want to call him or text him about so many things. I want to fall asleep in his arms because they were always comforting when I was crying. And I cried myself to sleep last night.

It's funny that when you go through a heartbreak, you find out there are so many other people that love you. But unfortunately, all those people that I want to be with, that I wish could hold me, aren't here. And the one person who is, is someone that can't be there for me because I just broke up with him!

I don't want to do anything right now. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to get dressed. I don't even want to eat. I just want to lay on my bed and sob uncontrollably until I get it all out of my system. I want to just cry and cry and cry.

And at the very same time I'm tired of crying. I've cried a lot. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how else to be. I want to be with other people, and at the same time I just want to be alone. I want someone to hug me, but I don't know who I want to hug to me.

I want to scream and moan and mope and cry and cover my head with my sheets.

I want to rewind time.

I want to feel differently. I want to hate him. I want to never want to be around him again. But that's not how I really feel. That's not what will really happen.

I'm super sad that I won't be part of his family anymore. That he won't necessarily be part of mine. I'm sad that things had to end. I don't want it to be over, I want him to just hug me and make everything better.

But I don't think that will happen. Ever. This isn't something that you can just magically fix. Although God knows I wish it would all just go away.