I was in the shower the other morning and having incredibly deep and philosophical thoughts, like you do, and I was thinking about adulthood.
Adulthood and I have had a very interesting relationship. I used to think being an adult was the dumbest thing I'd ever done. And slowly I adjusted to thinking that maybe being an adult wasn't actually that dumb after all...and then I lost my job and went right back to thinking being an adult is completely stupid.
But you know what? It's not really. I got a new job. I was able to pay my bills. I didn't end up living in an old refrigerator box in the back alley of somewhere, as is my worst fear, and life kept going. Life didn't suddenly stop and turn completely on its head like I'd always imagined it would if something catastrophic happened to me.
It's a weird thing about life, how it just keeps marching forward. I know that when I was little I knew this, but I didn't really comprehend it until I was much, much older. I used to think if something went wrong that that was just the end of it. That there was no coming back from that, it was just over. You missed out. You lost. Time to head another direction. And really, that isn't the case. I'm so glad I know that now, but I'm still not sure why I didn't really grasp that then, you know?
So anyway, back to my shower thoughts. Because that's what we're here to talk about anyway, right? Right.
I was washing my hair underneath the steaming hot water in which I have to be surrounded by or else I somehow feel...cold. And as I lathered the suds into my scalp, it occurred to me that I am not really a real adult. Because occasionally I still feel like I'm just a little girl playing pretend at the adult thing. Sometimes I find myself in situations where people think I'm this grown woman, when really I feel like a six year old flailing around down inside me screaming "I'm too young for this!"
And you know what's crazy? I'm not a little six year old girl. I'm actually a pretty well adjusted adult...but then again, fake it until you make it, right? I wonder if I will ever feel like an actual adult and not like a little girl at a masquerade ball.
I'm sure that as time goes on, I'll feel like a more adultier adult, but I guess that just like all things in life, it just takes practice. And then I read Stephanie's blog post about being the one that actually makes your dreams happen and my mind exploded.
You see, even if I am just a little girl pretending to be an adult, I still get to do all the things I want to do. Talking to Nathan, our plans for the future seem crazy to me still. Like, am I really old enough to talk about buying a house? Am I really old enough to move across the country if I wanted to? Am I really old enough to get married and travel and do all of the things that Little Natalie dreamed for Big Natalie to accomplish?
And the craziest part is that I totally am. I am able to make these things happen. I just have to be willing to put in the work and file the papers and do whatever else it is I need to do to make things happen. I tend to let myself get overwhelmed, but if I just take it one step at a time, before I know it, when I look back at my life, all the things I want to do get done.
And that is what I love so much about being an adult. It's more than just making my own bedtime and prioritizing my budget so that I can pay rent. It's the fact that I get to make my own dreams come true. I am the master of my fate - in a manner of speaking.
Plus, to have a partner that has the same goals and plans for the future that I do, it just makes me more excited to keep going. So, yay for being an adult and things. Yay! Confetti! I can do whatever I want!