OPEN UP

There was a point in my life where I was speaking with a counselor about my life and things I was going through and how I needed to change some of my thinking in order to be a better, more well-adjusted adult. It was actually a really good thing for me to go through and I would recommend seeing a counselor to anyone.

One of the things I discovered about myself during those weeks was that I am a person who tends to hold my emotions hostage inside my body. I keep them bottled up pretty well, for reasons I don't really fully understand. Something to do with my introversion, I suppose? 

So I clicked on this article 15 Struggles People Who Bottle Up Their Feelings Understand and while some of them are a little dramatic for me, I really related to quite a number the things listed. Number five, specifically, jumped right out at me. Because yes, I use the silent treatment like it's going out of style when I am really upset by something. And I think the reason I do this is not to be childish, but to refrain from saying something that I will possibly later regret and also to make a point that hello, I'm super mad at you right now. 

I don't know what makes not talking my go-to for letting someone onto the fact that they have displeased me, but I have done it ever since I was little. Just ask my parents. 

And then let's talk about number 11 for a second because, hold on, that is exactly what goes on inside my brain all the time. I will definitely give you my opinions and thoughts about stuff and things but then if you ask me how I feel about something, all my words suddenly jam in my throat and refuse to come out. 

Holy buckets, how did these article writers know that about me? Get out of my head already. 

I've noticed that I get panicky when someone asks me to explain how I feel. It doesn't matter whether I feel good or bad about something, just having to explain myself is terrifying. It kind of feels like I'm wrong and whatever I say the asker of the question is going to be opposite of me and make me feel inferior for not feeling the same way they do. 

I know this is ludicrous and I am allowed to feel ways about things, but expressing those feelings is just not easy for me to do. And believe me, I am working on this. I know the importance of being vulnerable - especially to someone whom you love - and if effort is applied then progress is going to be made. It just takes time to fight against what comes natural to my personality. 

The other day we figured out Nathan's Meyers Briggs personality (he is an INTJ and I am an ISFJ).  Which got me thinking about personalities in general because there are so many different types. (What even is it like to be an extrovert? Add this to the list of things I will never understand.) I was reading articles on introversion and all that jazz because sometimes I get a little obsessive, and I started noticing things. 

People generally think that introverts are shy - but shyness is fear of social judgement and even extroverts can be shy. It costs an introvert energy in order to interact with people. This isn't a bad thing, it's just the way we're wired. And sometimes I get a tight feeling in my chest when I hear people call my name or see them walk through the door at work because it means that I have to give up some of my energy in order to talk with them. Some people cost more energy than others and making small talk costs the most from my energy resources. Please don't make me have small talk with you, I am not good at it and it stresses me out. But I digress. What I mean to say is that introverts are not necessarily shy. So stop using that term interchangeably with introversion. They are not the same. 

I also noticed that people tend to think that introverts can't be social. Which is also another falsehood. I don't mind being around people. Large crowds may be intimidating, but I can still function and in fact, am capable of even enjoying myself out in public. Just because I need to go home a little early to recharge my batteries doesn't mean that I necessarily had a bad time at your party. And sometimes going out on the town with my friends is more enjoyable than reading a book. gasp! But that doesn't make me any less of an introvert. 

The world needs introverts and extroverts. One is not better than the other. So let's quit perpetuating the ridiculous belief that everyone needs to be extroverted all of the time. And also, let's all maybe work on not keeping our feelings all bottled inside of us. Restore some balance, and the like. 

THE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS BLUES

i have nothing really to say except that we're not that far in to daylight savings time and already i'm ready for it to be gone. i hate that it gets dark at 4:30 and i hate that i have no choice but to just keep trudging on through until we make it to the other side. i'm not ready for cold or for snow or for scraping ice off my windshield. this time of year serves as an annoying reminder that i want so badly to move.

this time of year just kind of makes me feel crappy all over and i get grumpy and irritable and take it out on people who don't deserve it and then i'm the one that gets upset because i'm being so impossible and i frustrate myself.

it's super fun sounding, i know.

but in all seriousness, i need some routine and stability back into my life and that's starting with this new job i got going on. set hours are good for my brain. i'll get myself back soon, i just have to re-figure out who winter-time-natalie is because that girl is always a foreign being to my old summer self.

i want to watch a movie and cuddle with a boy and drink some hot apple cider. and that's what i have to say about that.

nathan and i climbed a mountain the other day. it's a long steep hike and it was so good for our bodies to be outside and moving. i often liken climbing a mountain unto living life, but it's also really similar to relationships. (mountain climbing is just maybe a metaphor for everything?)

except the more i think about it, the more i think it's true. life is hard and you have to work to get through the tough before you can appreciate the view and so it is with relationships.

people are complex individuals and as such we are always growing and stretching and changing. and climbing a mountain with nathan was a trip that we took together in order to work towards the same goal: reaching the top of the mountain.

real relationships are not always rainbows and butterflies, and nathan and i have had our setbacks, but there we were - at the top of our mountain, sore from the steepness of the end of the hike and celebrating with a beer and a coconut water - but together. we make compromises and we help each other on up the mountain.

this time last year nathan was still in school, living two hours away from me and trading off weekend visits. words can't describe to you how very glad i am that he is here now and i get to see him every day. but with that move it brought a new mountain and we have had to adjust to being together almost all the time. i know sometimes i get cranky and impossible and he loves me anyway. and i'm really glad that i'm climbing this mountain with him.

i think sometimes i don't tell him how i feel often enough. talking with real mouth words is just more difficult for me than i like to admit. my words get all caught up in my throat and i don't honestly know how to get them out. but you guys, i am straight in love with this guy. and even though this weather is cold and it gets dark way to early and i get more irritated with some things than i should, i'm always glad to see his face and to be in his arms or sitting next to him on the couch at the end of a long day.


//i know this all of a sudden just turned into a kind of sappy love post, but i reserve the right to do that since this is my blog and all. hashtag sorry not sorry ;)