Nat-ventures

what i want

2012-02-15T14:06:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is probably by far my least favorite holiday. When I've had a boyfriend on V-Day it was always "do we celebrate? do we ignore? we're too poor to go out..." and it was frustrating. And when I've been single, everyone loves to show off their wonderful relationships. A lot of my friends are married too and all I see on Facebook is "OH EM GEE HE BOUGHT ME FLOWERS! AND CHOCOLATE! AND HE'S THE BEST EVER!" And I just want to gouge my eyeballs out.

I know that God has someone out there for me who is perfectly planned to fit into my life seamlessly and that I am perfectly planned to fit seamlessly into someone else's life as well. And I'm fully aware that I am waiting for God's perfect timing. I will not be sorry that I waited for this wonderful man and I pray for him daily.

I wrote out all of the things that I want in a guy, because I spent all yesterday thinking about it.

I want:

I want someone who's not afraid to run wild with me. I want someone who will hug me when I'm mad, hold me when I'm sad and love me when I'm whiny. I want someone who is excited to wake up next to me every morning and kiss my face hello. I want someone who couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else ever. I want someone who gets my humor and laughs at my jokes. I want someone who encourages me to be myself, who instills confidence and boosts my self esteem. I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful in every way imaginable.

I want someone who is motivated, intelligent, funny, silly, godly, loving and caring. I want someone who will strive for what he wants in life. I want a leader, a bodyguard, a tender soul and a tough guy. I want him to make Jesus number one and me number two.

I want a guy who's not going to give up or get gone. I want someone faithful, honest, and around. I want someone who will pick me over all the other girls. I want someone who I just know has to be a gift from God. I want someone adventurous and outdoorsy. I want someone who knows what he's doing or at least acts like it. I want someone who will take care of me.

I want someone who isn't afraid to be seen with me in public. I want someone who will show me off to the world and brag about how awesome I am. And I want someone that I can say all those same things about too. I want someone who loves me more and more and more the longer he is with me. And I want him not to be afraid to show it.

And someday I'm going to have that. And it will be awesome. And the stuff dreams are made of. And it will be work. Love is a choice, a commitment, a way of life - not just a feeling. But I want it so bad. I want to be loved so bad that sometimes it hurts to watch everyone else be so happy.

But you know what? I am glad to be in the place that I am right now. At least I'm trying to be. I'm here for a reason, single for a reason. I think I have to get to a place where I am fully accepting of how life is right now and that will only come through praying and relying on God to make the best choices. Because when you try to take control, things just get messy. It's always better when you put your troubles in God's hands. He always knows exactly what to do.

Here, There & Everywhere

2012-02-13T14:47:00.000-08:00

I am not letting anything stop me from living my life. So far 2012 is off to a much better start than 2011 ever could have hoped for. What is funny to me though is that both years started off with a break up. It just constantly amazes me how different I feel this time around. I shut off after PC and I think I've flourished after SVI.

But to quote my favorite first lady, "I've learned that a greater part of our happiness depends on our disposition and not our situation." Thank you Martha Washington.

As Of Lately

2012-02-01T13:34:00.000-08:00

Just in case you were wondering what I've been doing lately, here are some pictures to help.

I colored my hair purple. I have been enjoying the snow. I've been making art like it's my job (because, well, it kind of is. you know.) My brain is nine ways from Sunday all the time because I have bazillion things to do, but honestly, I'm glad that this is how life is right now.

SVI decided he was done and since I'm so busy I don't have a ton of time to dwell on that. I'm sad that it's over because we had a great relationship. I miss him and I miss all the fun things we used to do, but because of this I have time to devote to other things in my life right now that maybe I wouldn't have been so quick to get involved with, yes? yes. and it's great.

I'm excited about life. And it's about time, too. I'm almost done with school and I'm going to be transitioning into the "real world" and I can't wait to see where God will take me or who I'm going to be lucky enough to meet. I think this is where life will start to get fun - all the possibilities and opportunities. I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want and but isn't that just terribly exciting to think about? Nothing is written in stone and that's exactly how I want it.

A Giant Leap

2012-01-29T00:18:00.000-08:00

God has been working in my life recently. And by recently I mean he's always been working in my life, just lately it seems more evident? As in, stuff is happening right now. Like, I'm stepping wildly out of my comfort zone and taking a large step of faith.

My friend Joel talked to me about how he felt that God was leading him and his wife to help plant a church in Pullman, which is like 8 miles away from Moscow where we both go to school. When I first heard him talk about it, I was inspired. I have been wanting to get involved with a church, not just attend one but really get on the inside and lead something and know people and do things. But instead of acting on that immediately I waited a little while to learn more about what they were doing and see if it really was something that I wanted to get involved in. I'm moving away in June and I was wondering if this was really the right step for me?

Joel was asked to paint a mural for the church and being that we are both art majors he asked if I would help him. Being the good friend that I am I jumped on board, hoping that this also would allow me to get a little more information about what was going on. Painting commenced on the mural and before I knew what was happening I was going to Bible Study and Saturday night service.

I don't remember if it was a Thursday afternoon or not, but we were all gathered around the table of the Pastor's house talking about the church and things that still needed to happen while we are trying to get it up off the ground. It was brought up that what they really needed was someone to lead the children's ministry, so we were discussing things like curriculum and all the while I'm feeling like this is something I should be doing. I want to work with elementary schoolers. I am going to school to be a teacher. I was a day camp counselor at a church camp for two consecutive summers. This is totally something that I can do.

So I volunteered for the position.

I don't know exactly how this is going to play out. I've never been in this situation before. I don't know what all this entails. What if they misbehave? How should I react? What am I going to teach them? What if I can't keep them engaged? All these questions are swirling through my mind, but I feel like I'm in the right spot. The thought occurred to me tonight during our Saturday Night Fever church service that I don't have to have all of the answers, God can use me anyway. And I thought about Joel's tattoo of a section of verses in Isiah that essentially boils down to "Here I am Lord, use me."

And that's exactly what I plan to let Him do. I don't know what kinds of things He's going to bring me to, but if I just say yes to them and trust that this is where I'm supposed to be then my faith can only grow and I can do bigger and better things down the road. My life can only be made richer in the love of Christ and my faith sturdier.

This is a huge step for me, to lead a children's ministry. I feel young and under qualified, but God will make it work beautifully. I think about Moses leading the Hebrews out of Egypt and he didn't feel qualified for the job but God picked him anyway and awesome things happened because of it. Maybe I can be like Moses. I definitely want to try. I'm definitely excited about it. And I think I can only benefit from this experience.

Thank you Jesus for giving me this opportunity and these wonderful people with which to share my life. I only hope they don't get sick of spending all this time with me.

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

2012-01-17T23:18:00.000-08:00

People confuse me. Sometimes I think I have them all figured out, and sometimes I have no idea what will happen. But I have noticed that when certain people aren't in my life my drama level lowers significantly. And I bet that you have people like that in your life too.

But every once in a while those people will come crawling back in. They'll be sneaky about it too, not wanting to draw too much attention to themselves before they hit you with a pile of bricks. Like PC, for example. I'm not at all sure what was going on with him the other day, or what sort of reaction he was expecting to get from me, but he ended up just annoying me.

I have wanted him to be a man for a long time, if we're being honest. I taught him how to do things that I thought he should already know, being that he's older than I am. But some things that came naturally to me dumbfounded him, and I found myself having to explain a lot of things I regarded as simple. Not a big deal at first, really.

However, I never expected to have to hold his hand emotionally and talk him down from ledges all the time. Turns out I'm pretty good at that, actually. So when he was upset yesterday, he turned to me. Only this time I didn't want to deal with it. Because what happens is PC lets things overwhelm him. Life takes up a lot of space in his brain which causes him not to think and then I have to be the voice of reason and lay everything out neatly in front of him and I think that's what he wanted me to do for him. And you know what happened when I told him to grow up instead of giving him a shoulder to cry on? He deleted me on Facebook. Again.

So. Much. Drama.

And I laughed. Out loud. In the middle of the living room. Because seriously? I don't care. I don't want to be involved in his melodramatic lifestyle where everything gets blown out of proportion and I have to clean up the pieces. Because I was that girl for way too long and I put up with way too much. This is my last semester, I would like to enjoy it, please.

I have enough of my own brouhaha to get through. Somebody Very Important has requested a break and while our relationship's future hangs in the balance I'd prefer not to deal with whatever it is PC has in store. I have spent more time reading the Word and praying for guidance lately than I think I've done my entire college career, which is nothing to be proud of.

This is how I should have reacted when PC ripped my heart out and stomped on it. My dad told me to throw myself to God and give everything over to Him and let Jesus take care of my future and I didn't do that. Instead I wallowed and cried and thrashed and threw fits and drug my feet all over town and the internet and everyone was so sick of hearing about it that I just didn't know what to do anymore. It went on for way too long. But this time, this time is different.

I am motivated. I have a friend to keep me accountable. I am involved in church and I read my Bible just to make me feel better. I pray a lot, not only that God will grant me the guidance I request to come to an understanding of whether or not I should remain in a relationship with Someone Very Important, but also that God will help SVI figure out what is right for him, whether that is by my side or by himself. I feel like my head and my heart are in a much different place than they've ever really been before.

Honestly, I don't know which way things will go with Somebody Very Important. Right now I have a little feeling of despair, that we are going to meet in February to talk face to face and that's going to be the end of it. I know SVI. I know that he likes being single and I don't know if I'm someone who is special enough to make him want to get serious. I don't know if I'm the girl that God has planned for him. I don't know if he's the guy that God has planned for me. And I don't know when I will know or how I will figure it out.

But I never get so deep in this depressed feeling that it's over that I can't find any hope. Because I think about the look on his face that night at Starbucks when we had an earnest talk about our relationship and our future, together or apart. He looked at me, so calmly, with this expression on his face that was so real, so genuine, so human. The tone in his voice was so honest and incredibly pure. "I like you," he said. It was the truest sentence I've ever heard spoken and I don't have words accurate enough to describe exactly how I felt when I heard it. And that is what gives me hope that we could possibly have a future together. Those are the words I hold on to when I feel like maybe I've got nothing left. Because the reality of this impossible situation is that I don't know.

God has a plan, a perfect plan, for the both of us. "For I have a plan for you, says the Lord. A plan for you to prosper and not to harm you. A plan to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. He knows what's best and what's right and we just have to listen to Him. Neither of us knows right now what's meant to be, we just have to wait and see. But waiting is the hardest part - it always, always is.

Love Like You Mean It

2012-01-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

Life is a funny thing, but don't you think? How it feels like it's always changing and yet somehow always exactly the same. It's the way you get all antsy before a big event or how you hold your breath before you take the plunge in order to do something completely fantastic. It's in the way that you stumble blindly to the shower in the morning a couple minutes after you drag your tired body out of your nice warm bed, or how you always move the driver's seat when you get in and out of the car.

This is my last semester of classes down the Moscow area, and I can hardly believe that I am where I am. It's only day one and already I'm off to a much different start than I had originally planned, but isn't it always that way? It's that thing about life, man. Always different. Always terribly the same. Somebody-very-important and I aren't off to the greatest of starts, having a minor setback in our relationship, and that takes its toll on me mentally. Breathe in, breathe out. Life goes on.

I learned a hard lesson with the PC, you know. And not only was it a hard lesson, but I had to learn it the hard way. I had to test all of the nooks and crannies to see which ones were okay and which ones I should avoid. Some corners were deliciously inviting, but only held empty promises and other corners seemed to be rock hard but in the end they were the better choice. Harder, but better. I think it's always that way.

But the thing that happened to me is that I moved forward and I found SVI and my heart started beating again. As in, I learned that PC wasn't the end of the line, you know, like I first felt he would be. I learned that I could love someone else and that it wasn't terrible or tragic. Life found a new routine and I wasn't so caught up in my past anymore, but instead I could be happy with where I was.

Life takes some interesting turns the longer it goes on. You find that people do things you don't expect them to, and throw you things from left field. But also people can be remarkably wonderful and reach out to you when you need them the most. God designed us for companionship and but wouldn't it be terribly lonely if we had no one to share life with? No one to love? God created Eve for a reason you know, so that Adam wouldn't be alone. We were created to be involved in each others' livelihoods, to offer advice, shoulders, hugs, and caring conversation.

I believe also that if things are meant to be, they will find a way to work. I believe that everything happens for a reason even if you don't understand that reason at the present moment. I believe that people are generally good and I believe that laughter and good company are the best medicine for a broken heart. I believe that the Bible holds the answers we seek and everyone needs to spend time on their knees earnestly seeking their Father and including him in every aspect of their life, because as soon as you start forgetting life gets overwhelming.

So take one step at a time and don't forget to breathe. God has a plan for you and it will be greater than anything you can ever imagine - you have only to take a leap of faith and trust in Him. To love is to be vulnerable, but if you never open yourself up to that chance you will never experience the greatest rewards that come with allowing another person to share your life with you.

Life is short, love big.

i am awesome, hear me roar

2012-01-04T12:12:00.000-08:00

One of the youth leaders at our church built a rock climbing haven in his basement. I have been there twice, climbing along different trails and doing things of epic proportions that no mere mortal would be able to conquer. But being awesome runs in the family, so there you have it. So does modesty, I promise.

TheKeeper's college roommate is here for a visit, so he tagged along too as well as another good friend. We were distracted from the holds on the walls and didn't do a ton of actual climbing this time because we found holds that were suspended from the ceiling with ropes...and well, we used them for more interesting things like dangling upside down from one arm rather than for aiding our mad climbing skillz, yo.

We finished the day up with some delicious Panda Express, with the orange chicken and mandarin chicken and a side of chow mien, please. And just in case you were wondering what the Panda has to say about such matters as love and romance, here you go:

A Perfect Midnight

2012-01-01T21:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was New Year's Eve, in case you didn't know. And yesterday I did a really rad thing. Like, really super rad here folks, you don't even know.

You see, Somebody-Very-Important had himself a birthday yesterday. And I was missing him something fierce to boot. I had been planning this since before I left for home after finals week and I was super stoked that it was all going to work out.

I left town at 2:00 on the dot headed south. I put on some rocking tunes and sang my lungs out while blasting the heat on my poor little frozen piggies. I'm sure it was a sight to behold, but then again, I usually am pretty awesome when I try to drive and sing and heat up all at the same time. I multitask like a champ.

Casually I texted SVI...."Hey what are you up to today? :)" And I chatted him up off and on to find out where he would be when I got to town. He ended up back at his house a couple minutes before I got there which was perfect timing. I walked in the door to two very surprised boys, which totally and completely made my entire day.

To further my award of best girlfriend of the year, I took him out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I caught him staring at me a couple times from across the table. "What?" I asked him with a smile. He put his hands on the table and said, "I just didn't expect you back so soon!" as I placed my palms on his.

I had been asking him about his birthday to keep up the ruse that I wouldn't be there for it. He said it was a good day, but that it didn't feel different really from any other day. I wanted to make it special for him. Sitting next to him in a quiet moment he whispered the word thanks in my ear. "For what?" I asked, my voice low. "For coming down here. For dinner. It was the best present," he answered. My heart melted a little bit.

I think my favorite thing to do is surprise people. I can be a pretty rough and tumble person when I want to be...I mean, I mostly hang out with boys so you kind of have to be that way. But I really like being nice and sweet too - it scores you a lot of points. Plus it makes me happy to see other people happy. I like to think we are all that way.

Because his birthday also coincides with that somewhat famous holiday, you know the one, to celebrate the incoming of a new year and all, we went to a party with a bunch of friends. I was sitting on the back porch with my friend Kevin and his cigarette when I heard them start the countdown. SVI was somewhere inside and my only thought was that I had to get to him before the stroke of midnight. Without even looking at Kevin, I turned in my chair and threw open the door. My eyes darted around the room, scanning, analyzing.

7...6...5...

I spotted him in the doorway of the kitchen, his back was turned to me.

4...3...2...

I grabbed his arm and turned him around to face me right as the countdown ended. And good gravy, I tell you what, that was the best New Year's kiss I've ever had in the history of being old enough and having someone to actually kiss at midnight. We were all giddy from the excitement of the moment, and some of us from the booze too, as is tradition. But I can't explain the rush of emotion I felt when the ball dropped and we lip locked and then he just held me, just for a moment. And then it was 2012, and it was perfect.

Today I went back to his house for a while before I drove back north to hang out with my family for a couple more days before school starts back up. I was reading a book on the couch while the SVI and his roommate were playing COD. Lost in my story, I was jolted back to reality when SVI's finger started poking my leg. Let the record show that I am loath to be poked, and he is the only person in the history of ever that gets away with it.

I turned my attention from the print on my page to his unshaven face and this is what he says to me: "Hey, I'm bragging over here. Pay attention!" At which point my eyes get wide, my mouth drops and I look over at our other friend as if to ask "Did he really just say that?" When all of a sudden SVI is wrapping me in his arms, laughing, with his face buried in my neck.

Yes, I picked a real keeper. Told you. And that is the story of how I earned the best girlfriend of the year award. Jealousy. You know you have it.

How did you ring in the new year?

What I've Learned

2011-12-30T12:11:00.000-08:00

Source: tumblr.com via Llysa on Pinterest

I honestly haven't been thinking about making any new year's resolutions this year. In fact, that hadn't even crossed my mind until I dug back through my archives looking for my post about last year's new year's day. I had stated that I wanted to forget all about 2010 and move forward with 2011 since that was sure to be a better year. I wanted to just be myself this last year - no tricks, no smoke and mirrors. And that didn't really work out for me the way that I thought it would. Oh, it worked all right, it just did it in a way that I hadn't anticipated. It knocked me on my butt cold and hard and fast. And it took a while to recuperate.

In January a really big, really bad thing happened that I fought with and cried over and wanted to die from. It was earth-shattering unto my soul and my heart and my head. I looked at the situation unfairly and I spent my time dragging my feet, trying not to move on. I talked a good talk but I didn't always walk a good walk. My head wanted to be in the right place, but my heart wasn't ready for that yet.

This went on for months, too. I wasn't myself, and I didn't want to be. I also didn't really know how to be myself either. I had based so much of who I was on the relationship that I had been in, that I really did just forget how to be me. I kept trudging forward though, making baby steps that deep down I didn't want to make, but I knew I had to. I was holding on too tight to something that just needed to be let go.

On the plus side, I dropped fifteen pounds like it was no body's business.

Then before I knew it, it was summer time. I spent my days learning the subtle art of watercolor and cooking meals for PC. I still hadn't fully recovered, but I was happier with where I was in life. Except that I kept hoping things would right themselves the way I wanted them to. Yeah, that never happened. But I kept hoping. I would cross my fingers and wish on stars and I prayed about it a lot. But I kept finding out things that were being hidden from me, lies that I had been told, and looking back now I don't honestly understand why it is that I held on so long hoping things would change. Things would never change the way I thought they would. Life didn't go where I wanted it to.

The end of June I finished my class up and celebrated with friend by going to a party where I met Somebody-Very-Important. We flirted and talked and hung out all of July and when I got back from my trip to Honduras he wanted to make our relationship official. So I went with it. I really liked him. He was the first guy that had got my attention since my big split with PC and I liked the way I felt when I was with him. I liked the way treated me and how he spoke to me. And the fact that he paid for me whenever we went out didn't hurt his cause either. I had been so used to driving everywhere and paying for everything and being the rock in an unsteady relationship that it took a little bit of time for me to be comfortable with the new flow of things - but they were flowing the way that I wanted them to instead of feeling like I was swimming upstream all the time.

PC was still floating around in my life until the biggest lie I'd ever been told came to the surface. I found out things that I had thought would never happen to me - no, it couldn't be. I didn't want it to be that way. He had done some things behind my back that he told me he wasn't doing to my face and then he tried to blame me for finding out - telling me I had been too nosy, that he was only trying to be my friend and I wouldn't let him, when in fact it had been the other way around. And once this had all come out, I couldn't just sit there and let it roll over me like I had done in the past. This time I had to do something about it. PC was interfering with my relationship with Somebody-Very-Important and I had still not completely let him go.

So that's what I did. I shut off all communication with him. I wasn't friends with him on facebook, I didn't instant message him, and I quit answering his text messages. It took me a few weeks to get the courage to go pick up the stuff I had left at his apartment, and when I did that I made sure I didn't have to see him when I came over. It was only after I completely cut him out of my life that I was able to really move forward.

Source: babywalters.blogspot.com via Mindy on Pinterest

I learned how strong I can really be and I figured out who really cares about me. I decided about things that I do like and things that I don't. I don't worry about stepping on toes or making anybody mad. I do what I want, when I want, with who I want. I am myself. I've learned that it's okay to not like all of the same things that the person you are dating likes. I've learned that you don't have to be serious with someone to have fun with them. I've learned that this is my life and I get to do whatever I want with it.

I have a better relationship with Jesus now that I'm not in a toxic, suffocating relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I got to take a missions trip to a foreign country. I have tried new things and I have met new people. So even though I absolutely detested the way this year started, the ending to 2011 is much better than I would have ever thought possible.

This December I am a happy 21 year old with loads of new friends and my own personality and my only resolution for 2012 is to keep exploring myself. I'm not going to expect anything from this next year and I'm not going to set any precedents, I'm just going to let 2012 be 2012 and see where life takes me. A lot is going to change for me this next year - I will move back in with my parents and graduate school and then after that I will just have to see where Jesus takes me. But I know that whatever happens I will always have God and a plethora of people who love me just the way I am even if I don't like myself.

Source: Uploaded by user via Ashley on Pinterest

So Happy New Year to all of you, may 2012 be exactly the year you need.

Christmas

2011-12-26T18:17:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, bloggies! I know I'm a little late but I have been so busy going here and doing this and visiting them that I haven't really had time to sit down in front of a computer for longer than a couple of minutes. I got to my parents house Tuesday and it's been pretty much non-stop action since then. Which I have loved every second of!

I spent time with Ariel and Zelda the night I got into town and then I followed that up with time spent rock climbing like a boss with TheKeeper and Mimurz and then I had a movie night with all my lovely ladies from summer camp! I feel like I have watched more movies in the past week than I have the entire semester! And I have to tell you, if you have not watched the movie Short Circuit, you need to leave Blogworld right now and go watch it. You can thank me later. (It's on Netflix, if that helps.)

In addition to my seemingly endless stream of movie watching, we did take time church it up Christmas Eve and spent Christmas morning chowing down on the ever elusive monkey bread (made dairy free by mom so I could eat it too!) and skiing to our hearts content at Schweitzer.

I got a telephoto lens for my camera and awesome beyond all reason skull crusher headphones. I bought myself an iPhone 4 so I've been using my 40 dollars of iTunes credit to buy some new songs. On top of that awesome stuff I also got a new helmet and a new pair of ski boots just because my dad loves me.

My mom got a pizza stone, so we're using that tonight because if anything, this is a pizza family. Except now I eat mine without cheese.

All in all though, Christmas this year was a total success. I can't wait for new year's!

Weirdo

2011-12-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

I didn't always think being weird was a bad thing. In high school I used to embrace my weirdness. I had weird friends, we had weird inside jokes, we took weird pictures and made weird faces. We owned our weirdness. We didn't let it hurt us, but instead our weirdness defined us. We loved each other and being weird was just a normal part of the equation for us.

And I was totally fine with being weird for a really long time. But I have to confess something, I don't like being called weird anymore. I'll tell you why.

After PC and I broke up we tried to still remain friends. I went with him to a study party last spring semester, where I met a few of his VTD friends and I tried to just be myself. My regular, weird self. I don't know how to be something that I'm not. I don't always say the right thing or know exactly what to do, but who does? And I react occasionally without thinking, just like everybody else.

But this was the first time that the way I was made someone not like me. And it wasn't just that she didn't like me either, the fact that she didn't like me meant she felt like she could be mean to me. And she was. She was mean behind my back. She barely knew me, but she poked at my personality anyway.

I think it's because she liked PC and I was a threat, not because I was weird. But now this is what I associate the word weird with. And it kills me to think about it that way, because what she thinks about me shouldn't matter. What she had to say shouldn't affect me. They tell you that sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you and I've never heard a phrase so false. Words can cut the deepest, even ones spoken in jest.

And this is coming from someone who got in a lot of trouble for her words as a kid.

But I thought that I was getting over my hatred of being called weird. I thought that since I had pushed PC out of my life, and by default also this girl, that I was somehow making progress. I mean, I did make progress in a totally different way, but I hoped that maybe the "weird" word would become okay again.

I thought everything was fine and then Somebody-Very-Important used the word. And I wanted to die. Which caused me to think, why am I letting this affect me so much? Why is being weird such a bad thing? But it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like I was the bad apple you picked up because it looked so good but you flip it over and realize there's big bruise on one side and it's kind of dented. I felt like maybe he wouldn't like me anymore if I was too weird, even though I know that's not true.

Only, I didn't tell him that. I shrugged it off like it didn't matter because I didn't want him to know he hurt my feelings. I just tried to relax and in my head I thought about the words I wanted to say next time someone called me weird.

So I'm saying them now. Being weird is not a bad thing. I only know how to be who I am - I can't be something I'm not. I like pizza but I can't eat cheese. I've always liked Sawyer better than Jack. I sing in the car and the shower. I listen to songs on repeat for hours. I say strange things at awkward times. And I don't always do everything I'm told.

Hi, my name is Natalie and I'm weird.

Who are you?

the end already?

2011-12-14T16:34:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, the end of the year is upon us, and more importantly so is the end of the semester. Today I turned in my graphic design portfolio, my final essay for history of photography, and my overview of my teaching experience for Art 100. My brain is finished.

But,

(wait for it)

I'm DONE.

(Yes, really.)

For the whole semester, even! I mean wow! How does this happen? You spend all this time cranking out artwork and papers and lesson plans, studying for tests, showing up to class, and then boom! It's over. It's almost a little anti climactic because you put in all this work and all these long hours and then what? Grades. (But really...now what?)

Now I am going to throw myself into some watercolor and make some more cards. And get our family Christmas cards printed. And sent. Because you know what I have to worry about?

Nothing.

Isn't it awesome?

I still can't believe it. It doesn't feel real. This is the weirdest semester of my college career though, let me tell you that. It flew by. And not just like a leisurely plane ride for a couple hours type of flying either. No way. It was fighter jet speed, no delays or cancellations here, folks. Thanksgiving break came and went in the blink of an eye and then there was three weeks left in the semester.

One week where I wanted to pull out all my hair. One week where I turned in a bunch of assignments and cranked out some serious papers. And this week. Which clearly is the week for celebrating. Seriously. It started with my painting being taken captive for display in the Provost office ALL OF NEXT SEMESTER. Yeah, that's right. I know! And now stuff that was due tomorrow and Friday is all taken care of. I mean, I don't want to brag or anything, but I feel pretty rad right now.

So there you have it. Now it can officially be Christmas time. Yes, please.

well, there's that i suppose

2011-12-06T23:09:00.000-08:00

So I have been trying to figure out how to start selling my artwork. I was contemplating Etsy or Artfire but neither of those were what I was looking for. I got the idea to try my hand at selling things on TheBlog, except that I really didn't know how I would want to go about doing that and then it just turned into a place to show my artwork. I didn't have anything listed as for sale or a place for payment. Mostly it was just this idea floating around in the deep caverns of my brain. You know how it is.

And then I went to this craft fair with my friend where we ended up selling absolutely nothing to anyone. Rude! So we decided that maybe the blogging idea wasn't such a bad one and hey! but what if we did it together? And that's what happened.

The site isn't fully functional yet and probably won't be up and running completely until January. We have a lot of art to photograph and prices to figure out. There is still a lot of work to be done, but once it's all finished and put together it will be glorious! Glorious! I tell you what!

I am going to list all sorts of things like watercolors, prints, and paintings because I am up to my ears in artwork and but wouldn't it be nice to make some money from all that hard work? Plus the fact that I'm taking three more studio classes next semester which will give me the opportunity to create even more awesome artwork. Dudes, you can't even imagine.

In changing of the subjects, there is some life news I feel that I should bring up. 1) It has been four months since I started dating Somebody-Very-Important. Four months! Did you even know? I mean but wow! I hadn't realized that much time had gone by. And 2) I decided to completely cut out dairy from my diet. No more milk. No more cheese. You know the drill. So far so good, honestly. The only time I really regret it is when people are eating pizza in front of me. But whenever I consume the moo cow products it makes me sick, so it's not worth it to me to try digesting the cheesy goodness.

Also, Christmas is coming up soon - which I think you probably already gathered being that it is December after all. I designed our family Christmas card this year, so if you're related to me you have that to look forward to. In addition to the Christmas card I'm also sending out the most awesome Christmas presents ever - so be on the lookout for something awesome, potentially. But that's all I have to say about that.

Ahem.

And now? Bed time. For real.

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T18:10:00.000-08:00

I came home on Saturday in lieu of the Thanksgiving holiday with anticipation of the return of TheKeeper, whom I haven't seen since August. We spent Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning in preparation for his arrival, along with my aunt and uncle.

But today we were all under the same roof and gorged ourselves with copious amounts of turkey, cranberry sauce, candied yams, and dressing. All of which is to be followed by my mom's blue ribbon award winning apple pie, pumpkin pie and ice cream.

I am thankful for family.

I love Thanksgiving.

what happens then?

2011-11-16T00:44:00.000-08:00

There is this crazy thing happening in my life recently and maybe also in yours too. It's called flying time and I don't know how or why it happens, but I can't make it stop and it's driving me crazy. You see, I was just home for the weekend without even realizing that I would be back a week later to stay for a whole week and then after I leave from that week off I'll be back in like, another two weeks, and oh my goodness that means it will be the end of the semester and but what will I do with my life!? Question marks and exclamation points!?!?!

And a question that I am running into a lot lately is: "what are you and somebody-very-important going to do when you move away for good?"

I mean, I have had at least three different people ask me that in the past two days. All at different times and without knowing that I had already been asked previously and by other people. I mean, but really guys, I have no idea. Somebody-very-important and I have not really discussed this matter of fact.

We both know it's inevitable and that it's happening but we don't really know how it's going to work.

First off this is because neither of us are really super duper crazy serious right now. We're thinking about our futures, but not basing what we pick off of what the other one is thinking of doing. As in I'm not basing my plans around his life and he's not basing his around mine. Which for now is totally good and fine and all things wonderful.

To be honest, I love spending time with him. (If I didn't, why would I be dating him?) And also, I love that I have been accepted by his friends at face value. Because neither of us really knew what this relationship would turn out to be, we've taken things ridiculously slow and I didn't want to get too attached to all of his friends, you know? Because what if/when we broke up? He'd keep all of his friends (as it should be) and I would be back at square one. But I couldn't help to come to love each and every one of those boys. They are awesome.

So what will happen in June? There is still a lot of time left to figure that out. I don't need answers right now, and I feel like when that time comes closer there will be more serious talks. Right now I feel like it's kind of going to be one of two choices. We'll either call it quits and part on mutual terms or we'll get serious and try the long distance thing. But I know one thing for sure right now and that's that I'm not ready to think about this seriously quite yet. I feel like it will get resolved when it gets resolved and not a minute sooner.

We're still young. Who knows where life will take us? Together or separately. It's all just kind of up in the air right now, but then again, that's kind of how our relationship is. One day at time people, one day at a time. That's really about all my brain can handle at the moment anyway.

Mawage, Mawage, is wot bwings us togeva today

2011-11-14T00:33:00.000-08:00

This girl and I, we go way back. We've had our ups and downs. We've been best friends and we've been on the non-speaking of the terms too. But I can't help to love her. I am myself around her. We can talk about anything, share secrets, confess wrongs, and without even talking sometimes we just know. We have not been super close since I moved away to go to college, but I love spending time with her.

And also, she just got married.

That's right. Married.

I was so excited for her when she got engaged and I counted down the days until she tied the knot with her wonderful fiance on 11/11/11 like the cool kid that she is.

Zelda and I drove back home on Thursday night in preparation for Ariel's Big Day. Her ceremony started at one in the afternoon and her reception was at three. I have never, ever, ever had as much fun at a wedding reception as I had at hers. Everything was beautiful, her music was fantastic and I decided to let go of my inhibitions and dance my life away with my friends. It was perfect for her and I could not have been happier for my friend.

And all the while I was busy being really happy, I couldn't help but be a little jealous too. I remember when it seemed that everyone I graduated with was getting married and popping out kiddos and I wanted to be a part of that. Not so much the babies movement, but the weddings. I dreamed about my dress and mooned over pictures of wedding decor. I was a total girl about it. I wanted it to happen to me.

I'm not quite so wedding-feverish anymore, understandably, but still. I am a girl, after all. I can't help but wonder when will it be my turn? All of you right now are saying to me, "Natalie, girl, please. Slow down. You have the rest of your life!" And to you I say, calm down. I'm not sitting here pining my heart away at the thought of getting married, but I'm just curious. When? How come it hasn't happened yet? But someday it will, I know. God's got this great guy lined up for me somewhere and I'll meet him someday and it will all be perfect. I know.

Somebody-very-important isn't looking to get married right away, and right now neither am I. The whole thing with PC made me approach this new relationship completely different. And even though my heart strings were tugged on a little bit this last weekend, I don't think I want to get married tomorrow, you know? I'm in a hurry and also not even a little bit rushed at the exact same time.

But it's always fun to "what if" the situation, yes? Yes.

It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you. Is it that look in your eyes? Or is it this dancing juice? Who cares, baby! I think I wanna marry you.

Lately

2011-11-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

I have struggled with what to write in this blog lately. I used to write about everything that happened to me and I used to try and turn mundane things into funny stories, but I've been having a lot of trouble with trying to figure out how exactly to do that.

And plus I feel like all I want to write about is the same thing over and over again, which is that growing up is scary. I'm facing things now that used to only be a blip on my radar screen, but now they are actually happening to me. Graduation. Student teaching. Looking for a job in the real world. Facing the possibility of moving out of the state so I can actually get a job. Thinking about these things makes my breathing a little shallower and my pulse a little faster. But these are real things and they are happening.

It seems as if my entire life is in hyper drive right now. The semester started off a little slow and then midterms came out of nowhere. Now, all of a sudden it seems like projects are due all the time. Papers need to be written all the time. Things need to be printed and mounted all the time. My life revolves around school and work and I'm starting to feel exhausted. The worst part is that I don't even think Thanksgiving break will really be a break. I'll still have homework to do.

And then when we get back from break it will be all projects and making sure all my "t"s are crossed and my "i"s are dotted and that everything is right where it needs to be so that my butt is lined up to graduate next December. Seriously, all I want to do right now is hit the freeze button and fly away somewhere very far away for a month. A whole month, I wouldn't know what to do with myself! I don't really know what to do with myself as it is though, so there's that.

To top it all off I have been toying with the idea of becoming vegetarian. I don't usually eat red meat as it is anyway, but I'm not quite sure if I want to give all of it up. I really do like chicken and turkey and fish. I also think about cutting out all the dairy in my diet. I'm not a big fan of cheese and I quit drinking milk a while ago, but I do really like eggs. I feel like this is a boring thing to write about. On to the next topic? Okay? Okay.

Let's talk about PC. Because I feel like I ought to inform you about him as of late. You see, we are no longer on speaking terms really. He's got his life and I've got mine and I don't really ever think about him except for sometimes, usually when he randomly texts me out of nowhere. And wouldn't you know it, just the other day I finally deleted his number out of my phone.

Big life step right there, let the record show.

And then not a day later I get a text that says "Awake?" from a number that's not in my phone. I texted back asking who it was and the second after I sent the message I realized that I recognized the number. It was him. He answered back and I didn't. I couldn't. I wanted to punch him. I wondered why he couldn't just leave me alone.

The next morning he texts me something about video games. I ignored it. And that same night he texted me again about something of zero importance and I finally (finally!) told him to stop texting me, please.

Yet another big life step right there, I was on a roll.

I just can't be friends with him. Not after what happened, not after how he treated me. I know he wants to be my friend, but he can't go back in time and undo the awful things that happened between us. He can't take back the lies that he told and the things he tried to cover up. My life is so much happier without him in it. There's so much less drama and pain and tears. I almost forgot what it's like to be this way and then I think about my someone-very-important who is super adorable and my favorite and I wonder why I put up with PC for so long. I was just afraid of the unknown.

But if there's anything I've learned from this situation it's that letting go was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Boom.

To Feel Alive

2011-10-27T17:05:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I like to think that I'm a deep person and that I could find a way to get great meanings out of small circumstances, and then I sit down at my computer and think, who am I joking? I have been lost in a see of work, school, art, boyfriend and music.

Seriously, what is new about that?

Nothing.

I need to have an adventure, I think. Or turn something mundane into an adventure by adding cool people and witty discussions about things that absolutely positively don't matter whatsoever but you argue about them anyway just because you can. Or driving around listening to awesome jams because you have nothing better to do.

You know what the problem is with having nothing better to do? It always feels like you're forgetting to do something, even when you're not. I mean, it's so rare to actually legitimately have nothing to do that when you are faced with that situation it's hard to rejoice in it and not get caught up in the anxiety of forgetfulness. Oy. Vey.

I'm faced with a crossroads though, because this is my last year of school. I'm actually sad about that, how funny am I? First I don't want to be here and I can't wait to get out and now I just want to hold on for a little bit longer. I really don't want to move home in May when the semester ends either. (Sorry Dad.) I'm just used to it here where I do what I want when I want where I want and I don't really have to answer to anyone. And I have a lot of friends here that I feel like I'm leaving behind. I want to enjoy the crap out of my last months in this tiny little town.

I want to make lots of bad decisions and go on plenty of adventures and try lots of new things. Okay, so maybe not a ton of bad decisions, but you know. I want to get crazy. I think that's my goal for this year. Maybe I'll finally get a tattoo. Scary.

Yet

2011-10-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget who I am. I'll go a whole day thinking things that don't really matter and being quite discontented with my life. I wonder about teaching and do I really want to do that? Occasionally I feel like I am fooling myself into thinking that I want to spend the rest of my life molding America's youth. It is an overwhelming feeling, I have to tell you. And sometimes I just have to forget about it and ponder the idea of dropping out of school and running away to somewhere warm and fabulous. I try to appease myself by buying striped shirts, but that only holds me over for so long.

It is in my blood to travel different places. And I have been travel starved lately. Yes, yes, I got to go to Honduras and that was well and good and all things amazing and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything the world over, but people, I want to take a vacation where I don't have to worry about anything except getting sunburned and finding the perfect souvenir. I feel selfish for wanting that, do you know? But I do. I'm restless.

And but also I am not restless at the very same time, so please tell me how that makes sense? In May I will move back home with my parents, probably never to live in Moscow again. And that's scary. I want to be done, I can't wait to be done! And also I can't believe I'm so close to the end and I want to hold on so tightly because I hate change. What will I do when I go back north? I'm leaving behind a plethora of friends who don't live in the same place I do, and but should I come back and visit? Will I have time? Money? I don't know!

Lately I feel like I'm drowning in all this growing up stuff. It's all I can do to keep my head above the water some days. I have the Praxis test coming up next month, I have to turn in my application for student teaching within the next couple weeks, I have to start thinking about what I'm going to do after I walk across that stage in my black cap and gown with my black and gold tassel and please tell me that it's not really time for another graduation already?

But I have two more semesters before I graduate. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not done yet. I'm not there yet. Yet. Yet yet yet yet yet. Yet is such a weird word. It implies a sense of impending something. The leaves on the trees aren't green, yet. The snow isn't on the ground, yet. But soon. Soon the leaves will be red and orange and yellow and soon after that everything will be blanketed in white.

And when are my leaves going to turn colors? I don't want them to go. I want to hang on to everything in my life exactly like it is right now. Even though sometimes I don't like where I am and sometimes I don't want to do this anymore. But where there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm just not quite there....yet.

a year makes a difference

2011-10-06T01:49:00.000-07:00

Life has been so busy lately, it seems as though I am hardly ever home. And when I am home I'm not usually on my computer which directly corresponds to my insane lack of posting and for that, I apologize.

But I have been doing some thinking lately. And by lately I mean in the past ten minutes. I was on Facebook, you see. And I was vainly staring at my own profile because just sometimes I have to do that. I like to look at my profile and try to think of how what's said on there influences what other people think about me. I'm such a cool kid, I know.

And then I was thinking about those status updates from one year ago today used to pop up on the side of the page and I realized that I am in a completely different place now than I was then. I mean, but isn't this always the case? Aren't we always in a different place a year later? I am definitely not a Ms. Havasham of the world.

Last year I was hurrying to screen print my Poogies in all their striped glory and get a birthday present for the PC. This year I am painting and graphic designing and two month anniversarying with somebody-very-important. Two months I have mixed feelings about. One month is kind of a big deal only because you are there all of a sudden scratching your head going "where has all the time disappeared to?" But two months! Two months is nothing to spit at in the grand scheme of things. It's like the Tuesday of anniversary celebrations. Mostly I am not a celebrator of the anniversaries when they are still in month format. I think the being together of the 1 month, the 6 months, and the year are really the only ones worth mentioning.

As it is, a year ago I wasn't the same person that I am today. I went back to read my October 2010 blog posts and I couldn't bring myself to get all the way through them. Mostly because they involved you-know-who and since the big blow up this summer I'm not so keen on bringing him back into my life in written form or otherwise. I mean, sometimes we text but it's really not a lot and I don't hardly ever see him. Which honestly I think is for the best. At least for now.

I think it will be fun though, to look back on myself in another year and see just how different things are then. I will be student teaching if everything goes according to planned. And I will no longer be in Moscow at school. And who knows if I will still even be friends with my somebody-very-important! There is so much that's up in the air! But at the same time, that's what helps make life so exciting. You don't have all the answers and you never will. And that's scary, but also thrilling. So very liberating.

Alone Time

2011-09-19T23:44:00.000-07:00

Today I flipped my painting upside down. And then I made a business logo in Adobe Illustrator using a tape measure and the letter D for inspiration. After that someone very important picked me up from school and bought me subway because he is awesome and shall someday be introduced to blogworld (but not quite yet).

And then I came home and watched Gilmore Girls for 5 hours with my roommate.

Gilmore Girls is a show I used to watch with my mother at random times of the day whenever we would catch repeats of old shows. I loved the wittiness of the writing. I loved the bond between Lorelei and Rory. I loved the drama and the little traditions and the way their crazy town worked. I loved the characters and the stories. And Zelda owns all of the seasons, so I have been watching them with our other roommate for hours on end.

But around the end of the fifth hour of being completely engulfed in GilmoreLand, I needed a change of scenery. I have been surrounded by people all weekend and all day today. It seems as though I hardly get any alone time at all lately, and my brain was starting to melt. Plus, I've just not really been feeling like myself lately.

I disappeared from the living room for a bit, took a shower, played a card game on my phone, and laid in my bed in the dark admiring my five dollar glow in the dark skull rubber bracelet. But as I lay in the blackness of my bedroom I was overwhelmed with this crazy need to do something spontaneous. Have you ever felt that way? Like if you don't get up and move you'll just explode?

So I got dressed. In jeans. And I put on my makeup and I texted my somebody-very-important that I was about to embark on an adventure and he could come with me or forever hold his peace. Well, I decided he would hold his peace when I became impatient for him to answer me. I briefly pondered just leaving my phone in my room and taking advantage of being completely by myself, but then I decided that wouldn't be a very good idea after all.

Fifteen minutes later I found myself in the WalMart parking lot in Pullman, eight miles away from where my apartment is located. I was free to walk around and pick stuff up and stare at cheap silver jewelry for a lot longer than normal without having to worry about what anybody else was doing or thinking or what have you. And I would have bought a cheap silver piece of jewelry except that somebody-very-important told me I should hold off on that because of some person named Santa who may or may not be coming early this year.

So I wandered through various other parts of the store before contemplating this issue of food. I need to buy groceries, but I didn't bring a list since I hadn't really been anticipating shopping for the edibles. And what didn't help at all is the fact that I was starving. It's a bad idea to walk around things you consume when your stomach is making all sorts of protests about being empty.

I don't even eat oreos, but suddenly I felt compelled to purchase every box on the shelf! I quickly ran away to another aisle before the snack food could whisper anything dirty in my ear.

But after I fended off the oreos, nothing else looked good. I walked by the produce and I thought about how crazy it would be of me to buy a pumpkin. I don't know what I would do with a pumpkin this time of year. All I could think about was scooping out his insides and carving a face in whatever was left of him.

So I headed for the checkout line with my bottle of acne wash when the tank tops were calling my name. And we all know how I love me a good tank top. And woe! But these beautiful cloth creations were only three dollars a piece and tell me please just how am I supposed to say no to a three dollar tank? It just simply can't be done. I bought two and I was almost going to buy a third one when I caught myself sweet talking to a really cute black shirt with three quarter sleeves and I decided I should probably go.

A can of pringles decided that it needed to go home with me too, and what could I do? He needed a good home and my stomach was being very persuasive.

All in all I say this was a very productive adventure. And sometimes all that you need to feel better is a little alone time and some new tank tops.

Who I Am Today

2011-09-07T14:37:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking about what it was like for me when I was still a lowly little college freshmen. I remember walking up the big hill at 8:15 in the morning on my way to my first ever university class. It was English 101 with one of the funniest and most inappropriate professors I've ever had. It smelled like the first day of school - you know what I mean. Brand new backpacks, crispy lined paper, pencil shavings and lattes. The sidewalks and hallways were crowded so that one felt as though they were a salmon trying to swim upstream.

It was awesome.

I didn't feel like I belonged there. At the ripe old age of 17, I felt as though all these people could sense that I was so naive. Fresh meat. Easy to take advantage of. I remember this overwhelming feeling of despair. I had just finished 13 years of public schooling, having been enrolled since the age of five, and I was completely unprepared to spend four more years with piles of never ending homework followed by exams I had no will power to study for.

Making new friends doesn't exactly come easily to me since I'm not really a people person, but I lived with my friends from high school and our hall became really close. They made it easier to bear the homework load and helped me overcome that feeling of failure when I bombed an exam. Or two. Our bonds were so strong that I'm still friends with many of the people I lived with that fateful freshmen year.

But now, here I am, in my senior year of study. It's my last fall semester in Moscow. My life has done a 180 degree flip. I find myself flopping between emotions of impatience to be finished and longing for this to never be over. I am quickly approaching the idea of the "adult" world, and it makes me both nervous and excited although I can't honestly tell you which feeling is more prominent.

I used to spend my nights wishing that I could be anywhere but here, and now I find myself wondering where exactly will I end up once this is all over? College has been a unique experience. I have grown up and grown out and grown in. The future is a scary mistress. She makes you wonder where you will end up and if you will still talk to your friends. She makes you question your decisions and think about what you want out of life. And that frightens me.

Honestly, I don't know what I want in life. I'm in school to be a teacher, and while I love art and I have a passion towards working with others in a creative context, I don't think it's something I want to do for the rest of my life.

The horror stories of those especially wonderful students makes me question whether or not this is the right profession for me. I'm not looking forward to dealing with those tough cases, but I've heard that if you crack them it's the most rewarding experience. And that is kind of exciting. Which I suppose means that I shouldn't really be too worried about this decision, but you know. It goes through my mind in cycles.

But what I really want out of life is just to feel like I've lived it. My dad has classified me as the rebel child. I pretty much just do what I want, when I want, how I want to. My favorite song is "Wild One" by Faith Hill, because when I was little I wanted to be that girl. I have a nose piercing. I want a tattoo someday. I make mistakes. Lots and lots of mistakes. I mean to say, that I am practically a professional mistake maker. I probably deserve some kind of award even for being so fantastic at regretful decision making.

That's not to say I don't make a plethora of good decisions though. Because I am also pretty fantastic at that as well. I just know myself, and I have to get lost a few times before I get it right. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I started out this whole college journey throwing a huge temper tantrum and dragging my little feet through the mud, I'm actually glad I'm here. I'm glad it happened. I'm sad it's coming to an end, and a little part of me is definitely going to miss my college years.

I don't think they are necessarily the best years of my life, but I know they definitely played a heavy hand in defining me as the lovely person I am today. If it weren't for all those bumps in the road along the way, I'd never fully appreciate exactly what it is I have right now.

Spoiled

2011-09-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

Umm, so guys?

I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday up north with my parents and two of my three siblings. I had Zelda color my hair (suuuuper dark!) and Meg cut it and styled it for me. I got a picnic basket, a new shirt stating that I am now cleverly disguised as a responsible adult, two new pairs of jeans, a new desk and some more oil paints.

Plus, I was greeted with Garlic Jim's nutty chipotle pizza which is only the best pizza ever created in all of existence. Then on Saturday we had BBQ'd boneless pork ribs, and seriously, they were to die for. My awesome mom also whipped up one of the best rhubarb pies I've ever tasted. Heaven. Really.

And in addition to all of that great stuff, I got 100 dollars from my grandparents (DP was SO JEALOUS!) and my mom bought me a full tank of gas and a car wash, followed by my dad waxing my car all nice and shiny.

Dudes, I don't think I've ever been so spoiled in my life. This was probably one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

The Big Two One

2011-09-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I turned twenty-one yesterday. Twenty-one doesn't feel terribly different than twenty if we're just being honest - but there is something to be said about the liberating feeling of being able to drink alcohol in public legally.

I went to dinner with my friends at a local Mexican restaurant. Missile bought my dinner, one of my friends from high school drove down from Coeur d'Alene, and the waiters made me wear a sombrero while they sang happy birthday and made me take a shot.

Today I renewed my driver's license and now I am part of the grown up world. I am no longer classified as a portrait style sort of person but I have been welcomed into the sideways world of landscape licenses! Oh the freedom!

I will celebrate with my family this weekend when I go home to drink Mike's Hard Lemonade and eat Garlic Jim's pizza like a champ. And hopefully get to open some gifts while I'm at it. You know, obligatory birthday stuff and the like.

Maybe throw in a tattoo?

Just kidding, Dad.

But maybe. ;-)

Honduras: Day 4

2011-08-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

In case you missed the previous posts, read these first:
A Whirlwind Vacation

Honduras: Day 1
Honduras: Day 2
Honduras: Day 3

Free Day: July 31, 2011.

Yesterday I think I freaked out for nothing. Today was just what I needed to show me how ridiculous I was being. And while there is truth to my words, things always seem worse when you are completely exhausted.

We started out with church this morning. I don't know whether I like it or not. I loved when we sang "Ancient of Days" and "Come, Now Is The Time To Worship" in Spanish. But when I was ready to sit and listen to the sermon at about the 5th worship song, I feel like we sang 5 before it was over.

The building was hot and stuffy, and even though we were sitting by the window, sweat still poured. But the experience of being an a house of worship in another country is something that I think everyone should try at least once. It seems to put things into perspective - we are literally ALL God's children. It doesn't matter what language you speak, where you live, or what you do for a living because God loves you and wants you to know it. I grew up knowing that we were all children of God, but things like that don't seem to really sink in until you see it in action.

And it was definitely in action, because this little church in one of the poorest parts of the world is pulling together funding to help sponsor a missionary in India! That just blows my mind. These people don't have a lot and yet they are making sure they are giving to someone else. That is seriously amazing.

The pastor that spoke this morning was American. He had been living in Honduras and it was his last week here. He preached about being for the mission and doing good deeds out of love. He said that you can do all the nice things in the world, but if you do not have love then you have done nothing. This seems to be a recurring theme throughout this trip to me. Do the right thing, but make sure you are doing it for the right reason. And if you do not have love in your heart for what you are doing, then it doesn't matter. I don't want to forget this when I finally leave Honduras. I want all of these things to stick with me. I want to be constantly reminded to be loving towards other people. And that will be fun for me, since I am not a people person.

After church we split into two groups. Some of us went to the Valley of Angels to go shopping and the rest of us went to see the Cristo El Picacho statue. I chose to go see the statue because I'd heard the gardens were beautiful. And plus, the statue is so large that you can see it up on the hill from town.

There is a large park where many people were picnicking, playing some form of soccer, talking, laughing. It really just shows you that people are basically the same all over the world. We like the same things, have similar interests, families, hopes and dreams. Watching people from other countries and cultures interact just really makes me think about how funny our own culture is, and how lucky we are to be living where we live.

What is hilarious unto me is the fact that the Honduras would try to practice their English with us. We are obviously American, since our skin is pale in comparison to everyone else, so people would say "Hi!" excitedly in our direction. My favorite moment, though, was this cute little Honduran boy, who was probably 5 or 6, who kept saying "Bye! Bye!" in our direction. His mother told him, in Spanish, that "bye" is "adios" and what he really needed to say was "hi."

On our way back to the bus we passed a zoo. TheMechanic and I begged to go inside and see the animals, and one of the other ladies wanted to accompany us. It cost us 10 Limpiras each to get inside (which is roughly $.50). Inside, the zoo was a little dilapidated and run down. The animals seemed as though they were incredibly bored, as many of them were pacing back and forth in their cages. However, the monkeys were completely entertaining. You could get so close to them that you could actually reach out and high five their little monkey hands. One monkey had even escaped from his cage and was sitting on the roof of his enclosure watching zoo-goers pass him by.

Also, there were animals in this zoo that I never thought I would see in a similar setting. There were raccoons, bunny rabbits, guinea pigs, white tailed dear, and goats. Seriously.

Tomorrow I don't know exactly what is happening, but I may be able to take a trip to the trash dump. I'm sure that will be crazy and hectic and emotional. Some people still live at the dump, but most people just work there now. Although, I don't really know how much better that actually is. I know that the people there will smell horrendous, but I can't even really comprehend what it will be like since I live where I live and I am who I am. It's just absolutely phenomenal that I am privileged to be here and experience this. My eyes are being opened wider everyday. I could not really ask for more right now.

questionable fashion sense

2011-08-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

I knew my painting class this semester was going to be difficult when I found out who the professor was supposed to be. I had been dreading attending for weeks upon weeks. And then Monday showed up bright eyed and bushy tailed, making me want to punch it in the face and go back to sleep.

I was so not ready for school this semester. I didn't want summer vacation to end even though it had been the poorest summer of my life. It was just starting to get good! I had been so scared all summer long to let go of PC for fear of what else was out there waiting for me, that it took me three months to finally step away from him and realize how good life could be for me.

When we broke up I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to be in a relationship with someone else, and when that opportunity arose - I freaked out a little bit. I flipped and flopped back and forth between hanging on and leaping forward. Ultimately, I leaped forward with wild abandon and so far it's been one of the best decisions I've ever made.

And then it was time for school to start. It was like unto blinking and everything was different. Basically it was as though my summer had completely slipped through my crooked fingers and was gone forever. So there I sat, in front of an easel, with people that I had seen just three shorts months ago. It was my first class of the new fall semester, and as I sat talking with my friend about prospected outlook of our respective class schedules, in walked our professor.

The professor that I had been so scared of. I looked at him in a way I had never looked at another professor before, and I'll tell you why. These artist types can be so flighty you know, and I will admit that they have questionable fashion tastes at best, but this man. He was amazing unto me.

His hair was cut short, making his glasses a more prominent feature on his face. Not only were his spectacles rather large, but also they were a translucent sky blue color. They looked plastic and cheap, but necessary. And they were perched on his rather bulbous nose. He was wearing a grey sports coat over a black dress shirt paired with black slacks that were just a tad bit too large for his frame.

But what really got me was his choice in footwear. You'd think the sports coat and trousers would be accompanied with some nice black or charcoal grey dress shoes, right? Or perhaps a pair of boots, since after all, we are in Idaho. However, on his feet were faded purple crocks. You know, those shoes that were made for use in a garden or lounging around your backyard not to be worn in public.

I sat for a minute just taking it all in. Purple crocks. Grey sports coat. Who knew?

He spoke for all of 15 minutes and then dismissed us to pursue whatever else we had planned for the day. I still haven't decided how I feel about this class, being as that I detested my intro to painting class with amazing irritability. I guess we'll have to wait and see just exactly how this class plays out. This semester is already proving to be a new experience, but definitely in a good way.

is it really my senior year already?

2011-08-21T00:58:00.000-07:00

I am heading into my senior year of college - a thing that as a freshmen I never believed was possible. I started college at the ripe old age of 17, just shy of three months after I graduated high school. I was nervous and excited and a little bit scared. I wanted to be a dietitian and teach people about proper nutrition. I wanted to be completely fantastic and do all sorts of crazy things during my college years.

Everybody told me that I would love college, but you know what? I didn't love college. Oh sure, I loved being out of the house and away from my parents. I loved being able to make my own decisions and go to the grocery store at 4 in the morning just because I felt like it. I lived for chocolate muffins, fresh strawberries, and whipped cream.

I flirted with my RA. I pierced my nose. I put the moves on PC at a Halloween party. I fought with my best friend and moved out of our dorm room. I came home for a weekend and didn't tell my parents. I built lasting relationships with wonderful friends. I decided that my major sucked and I heavily reevaluated my motives for even being in school. Because let's be honest, my GPA was in the toilet and I hated basically all my classes.

And then sophomore year completely changed me. I had a new major. I had a boyfriend. I loved every single class I was in except one. I worked my butt off to pull my GPA back up where it needed to be. I felt invincible. I felt like I could take on the world. I felt like I could actually tackle this whole college thing and come out on top. My attitude did a complete 180 and I got right back on track.

My junior year? Well that was probably the worst year of my life. My classes were fine. My grades were acceptable. Emotionally, I was a derailed train wreck for a majority of both semesters. I was up one day and then down for the next week. I had to work to convince myself to get out of bed in the morning, and sometimes I just refused to listen to myself. I was my own worst enemy and I didn't listen to what other people had to say. I knew they were right. I knew I should listen, but sometimes you just have to figure things out for yourself and it has to be you that comes to the decision.

But this year is going to be different. I have friends that are going to be there for me through thick or thin whether I want them there or not. I have a new boyfriend, who is so different from PC in basically every way. It's time for me to grow up. It's time for me to take charge. I have been wallowing and weeping far too long for the wrong reasons. My life is so much more than that.

This year I am going to be the busiest I have ever been. I have five classes, a practicum assignment, a TA job, and I'm still working as a barista.

Sometimes I wish I was wittier and prettier and skinnier and funnier. Sometimes I wish I could go back and make different decisions. And then I remember that I don't need to worry about all those big things because no one can be me better than I can. I am witty and pretty and skinny and funny and a whole bunch of other awesome adjectives too.

My senior year starts on Monday. I am going to make it my best year yet, and after a year like last year, I totally deserve it.

Honduras: Day 3

2011-08-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

The Learning Center Building Site. July 30, 2011.

Sorry it took me so long to post again, but things have been super crazy wackadoodle in my life, starting with going on a family camping trip and ending with unnecessary boy drama. And I kept meaning to post about my third day in Honduras, except that I didn't know if I wanted to. I briefly considered just skipping over this day and talking about day four, but then I thought I better at least acknowledge that this day happened.

To be completely honest, I had an awesome and completely exhausting day that ended in a mid-week freak out and feelings of inadequacy followed by sweet, sweet sleep at 9 o'clock in the evening. You see, sometimes I feel like I'm really super not good enough to be on a missions trip and I want people to like me, and occasionally I feel like I screw up even though technically I didn't really do anything wrong. The inner-workings of my brain are seriously astounding, I assure you.

My freak out mainly stemmed from feelings about my past trip to Washington DC when I was a senior in high school. I went with the girls in my small group, and even though I had a mostly positive experience, there were some things that happened there to make me feel like I didn't belong with them. And those feelings made an appearance, albeit a totally brief one and the very next day I was totally fine. So I'm not going to transcribe what I wrote that day, but instead tell you some fun things that I remember about that day.

Like mixing concrete until every muscle in my body ached at the mere thought of picking up a shovel ever again. And I didn't mix near as much as the other guys. This totally aided in the fact that I was checking my eyelids for cracks well before I ever normally even consider drifting off to dreamland. I shoveled and wheeled wheelbarrows full of concrete to various places in the building.

I even tried my hand at flinging mortar on the walls, but the room was crowded and the Hondurans were way more efficient than I could even pretend to be. So mostly I worked with the concrete. But that didn't stop me from getting the mescla (mortar) thrown at my face and down my shirt. Which was AWESOME, by the way. I definitely recommend trying that experience. It was so great, that I actually ended up doing it again Friday (but that's a story for another day).

Anyway, I think the most amazing thing about the entire building project is the bond that the building crew has with the Hondurans they work with. I think sometimes we get really caught up in the mission and getting stuff done that we forget we're actually working with people. These people have personalities and rather large senses of humor, which they use liberally throughout the day. I loved every minute of being with the building crew, and I think I could have worked there the entire week and been fine. There is such camaraderie between each and every guy (or girl, as was the case sometimes) that is just so incredibly special. It's honestly something that you don't find often, and I'm completely blessed to have been able to share in that bond. Out of all the things that happened in Honduras, working with the building crew was definitely my absolute favorite part.

Honduras: Day 2

2011-08-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

AFE. July 29, 2011.

Before the day started, we had breakfast at 7 o'clock this morning, followed immediately by devotions. Our pastor, who was able to come on this mission with us, talked about love and doing the right thing for the right reason. Sometimes I'm fantastic at doing the right thing for the wrong reason. Like helping load up the bus because I feel like it's expected of me instead of doing it because I want to help. I find that sometimes I have to sit back and check my motivation to decide whether or not I should continue doing what I'm doing for the reason I am doing it. But tomorrow is a new day with new challenges, which I welcome greatly.

I went to the AFE school today and played with the kids. We played a lot of soccer! So much so that my feet are aching! Those little boys are so good though! I was glad I remembered some of the tricks TheKeeper has taught me over the years, so even though I wasn't spectacular super star quality all the little boys told me I did well.

Jose was the one who played with us the most. He is nine and he let me take a picture with him. He's super sweet and he tried so hard to get us to understand him. He would speak very slow and repeat himself often. Sometimes that didn't make a difference - we just didn't know the language, but sometimes it was very helpful. He was great for practicing the very little Spanish that I do know with. I didn't realize though how many words I actually knew before I got down here. I've never taken a Spanish class and I already knew more than the other girls I was teaming with!

I don't think I drank enough water though, because I don't really feel that great. I played hard today, and it would be a shame if I got sick. I'm laying down before we go to dinner. I'm tempted to go to the pool in a little while, or at least downstairs to see if the wi-fi is on yet. The internet is so very sketchy down here!

Dinner & After:

Tonight's dinner was followed by worship. TheKeeper requested the song "Lord I Lift Your Name On High" because we wanted to do the motions! So the song starts, and then the leader stops to explain that he would like to change the words from "I'm so glad You're in my life" to "I'm so glad I'm in Your life" because God is greater than we are, and it's a reward to be His children. And then we start the song over, sing the changed words, get to the chorus, and we just start doing the motions when Pastor M stops the song again!

He points out that TheKeeper, TheMechanic and I should stand in the front and lead the whole team in our motions. And then everyone sends Dad up there with us, which he totally did not want to do. Haha! Then we start the song again, and the whole room joins in with the motions. We are singing through our laughter, worshiping Christ with joy in our hearts, and I think that's exactly how you're supposed to do it. A joyful noise we will make!

And if you think that was buckets of fun, just wait. Because there's more. (I know! How could there be more!? But there is. And it's amazing.)

Worship had ended and people were dispersing into the lobby for Facebook and e-mails and Skype loved ones, while there were a good many of us who remained in the cafeteria for conversation and drinks. I'm sitting with Dad and couple of other people talking and laughing when one of the girls from my team, who is a hairstylist by career, walks in with her clippers. Dad makes an offhand remark and then has to back track to explain himself.

It seems that he and another gentleman had decided today that if one of them shaves their head bald the other would do it to. I'm not at all certain as to how the agreement came about, but what's important here is that my dad is a "long haired hippie" and shaving his head bald is something that would be completely shocking and a drastic change to say the least. Dad tells her that maybe she can cut his hair tomorrow night.

About 15 minutes later, in walks the guy that my dad made the bet with - you guessed it, completely bald. There is no escaping now, the deed has been done and it's time for my father to step up to the plate. There is loads of laughter from the entire room, and more people trickle in from the lobby to find out what is going on. Dad leaves the room to rid himself of his blonde locks.

Everyone is buzzing about what will my mother say? What do you think he will look like? Man, this seems to be taking a long time! And it did take longer than we had expected, but not just because Dad started out with more hair than his fellow bet-mate, but when came back a baldy-waldy he was joined by hairless Mechanic as well!

I took their picture and quickly uploaded it to Facebook like the good 21st century internet capable daughter that I am and waited for the inevitable mother freak out. It only takes a couple minutes before she comments "AAAHHHH!!"

TheKeeper posted a status update in addition to my picture, to which my mother replies, "You are supposed to keep them from doing this crazy stuff!"

The entire room was in stitches, I believe.

A few of the guys said that the new qualification for being part of the building crew was to be bald, wherein all the eyeballs in the room shifted toward me and the other girl who was planning on working on the learning center tomorrow. Then I had to explain to them that I would look funny bald for a multitude of reasons, the main one being that I had a rather large dent in the back of my head.

No one really believed me.

So I made them touch it. One guy subconsciously wiped his hand off on his pant leg after making contact with the crater that is the back of my skull. He realized what he'd done, and apologized explaining that he couldn't have stopped himself if he tried. He just had to "wipe the creep off." I found that absolutely hysterical because the back of my head gets a variety of reactions from different people. The ones who are grossed out by it used to hurt my feelings because, let's face it, it's not diseased or anything. But now they just make me laugh, because my head is just like yours only shaped funnier. God just made me special, okay? Don't hate.

But now it's bed time, and I'm hoping that tomorrow is more awesome than today, although to be honest I'm not really sure any day will be able to top how fantastic today was. Tomorrow definitely has some big shoes to fill.

Honduras: Day 1

2011-08-10T11:41:00.000-07:00

Hotel Mac Arthur. July 28, 2011.

There is so much stuff to do! We saw the building site, the road to where the trash dump is, and a there was a lady sweeping her porch that must've had at least 7 cows!

I wish I could have brought my watercolors - there is so much interesting stuff and so many colorful buildings that would be so fun to paint! Dad said to take pictures and then I could paint from those - which isn't a bad idea, but it's not the same as painting on location. I just got a great idea! I could paint from my pictures once I'm home and see if I could sell those paintings to raise money for Honduras!

Honduras is beautiful, but you can definitely tell you're in a third world country. For one, we can't drink the water. We have to have bottled water everywhere we go and for everything we do - even something simple like brushing your teeth. And you can't flush your toilet paper either. There is a bin that sits next to the toilet where you place your used shtuff. Gross, right? Also, we travel everywhere in a big yellow school bus. The roads are narrow and traffic laws are merely suggestions that not even the police follow. I'm so glad I'm not driving anywhere!

I'm nervous for tomorrow. I don't know what I'll be doing and I don't know what to expect. I'm sure I'll grow a lot, but I'm still in that panic/shock phase. I don't feel like I've really prepared for this properly - I was just thrown right in the middle. Like when you're teaching someone to swim only instead of starting off easy, you just make them jump right in the middle of the lake. Swim or sink style. But I'm so glad for this experience.

I have to be down at breakfast at 7 am. That's going to be tough for the girl who stays up til 2 and gets up at 9:30. I think tomorrow will definitely be a little rough, but nothing I can't handle. It's been a long day, but I'm finally here. I finally made it to Honduras.

A Whirlwind "Vacation" part 1

2011-08-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

I have been gone a while, bloggies, I know. I was too busy having an adventure in another country to blog! That and the internet was really sketchy and I was only using my phone because I didn't have a computer, and well, hello! It was an adventure!

You see, my church leads missions trips to Honduras and has been for years. My dad has made four trips, and for the first time I was able to join him. But oh my word was this ever a whirlwind of a trip. It started and ended so suddenly that I didn't really have time to think about what was happening. The entirety of my stay in Tegucigalpa, Honduras involved me actively choosing to stop what I was doing to take in the fact that I was actually in a third world country surrounded by people who didn't speak my language and yet were so happy that I was there. I just had to take time to revel in the fact that I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity, and be completely and totally thankful that I was where I was.

But before I get too far, let's back up for a second. Sunday afternoon I believe it was, I called my mom just for funsies and because I like to hear her voice. But she told me that my great uncle had been involved in an ATV accident, in which he crushed his kneecap and was rushed into emergency surgery. My uncle and aunt are also involved with the Honduran hype, and this accident prevented both of them from taking their trip.

Skip forward to 10:30 that night, my mother sent me a text. This is unusual because normally she's in bed at that time. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room in Moscow, unsuspecting of the glorious opportunity that was just about to be extended to me.

"Do you want to go to Honduras?"

I have to tell you, I just about died. My heart raced, my breathing became shallow, and my hands started to shake. I had trouble texting her back. Seriously? When did they leave? Did I have to fill out paper work? What about shots? How much did it cost?

And the whole time this is going on I'm telling PC over instant message because I can't just sit there and not let someone know what's happening to me! I'm shaking for crying out loud!

Mom told me to sleep on it and pray about it. The trip would be free for me, but they had to talk to one of the trip leaders first and see if the ticket could even be changed to my name. The team was leaving for Honduras on Wednesday. Monday morning my mom let me know the ticket had been transferred over and I needed to pack up my stuff and come home as soon possible.

I made the hour and a half drive by myself. Tuesday was a blur of getting my arm pumped with diseases (and oh how I hate shots!!), shopping, filling out the necessary paperwork and packing. Wednesday involved a bus ride to Seattle and subsequently sleeping on the two consecutive plane rides thereafter before finally landing in our sunny and warm Central American destination on Thursday around lunch time.

41 Days

2011-07-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

So there are 41 days left until I'm legally allowed to buy my own alcohol and consume it in public places. You know, I'm actually kind of excited about my birthday this year. Mostly because this means that if we go out to eat somewhere I could potentially get something to drink just because I want to. Although really? It probably won't happen often...and I'm not a big fan of beer. Gross.

But I have been thinking a lot about what I want for my birthday. Usually people ask me and I just hmm and haw and mumble whatever pops into my head at the time. Mainly I ask for mulah, but I have some more ideas this time. I've been keeping a list on my desktop for the last month and a half just so I would be ready when this inevitable question hit.

So, here's a list of things I would like for my birthday (which is in 41 days, butwhoscountinganyways):

1. Money. I feel this is obvious because I am broke and money is nice. And I am broke.

2. A tablet. This would be nice for my into to graphic design class I'm taking in the fall. And it would also lovingly accompany a new Macbook Pro...but $1100 is a little extreme for a birthday. (but I'd seriously love you forever if I got a new computer. Mine is seeing the beginning of the end.)

3. There's quite a few things I'd like from The Vintage Pearl and the lady bug necklace is definitely one of them (but the cup of joe necklace also has my heart in a really big way since you know, i work with coffee and all that jazz). I'm not a big jewelry person, but I honestly have been wanting a plain silver necklace or a charm bracelet for a while now. I keep hoping someone will telepathically know and then just present me with one, but so far that's been unsuccessful. So now I'm asking. Nicely. Please? (see? nice!)

4. There's this awesome art desk that I really want from Michael's. It would come in unbelievable handy for all the art I will doing. My life is going to be overrun with paintings for the next year. Yay me.

5. Anything to decorate my bedroom walls. Seriously, those things are bare. There's some awesome decals at Bed, Bath and Beyond that are absolutely beautiful and don't involve nail holes. (I like butterflies, just so you know.)

I figure five things is good enough for now. I mean, some minions and a dastardly devious plot to overtake the world wouldn't be too much to ask for though, you think? Eh, actually that might be a little more responsibility than I would be into at the moment. Or maybe an attack bear! Or a clone who will do my homework for me...yeah, nothing can go wrong there, right? Right.

Lift Me Up

2011-07-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

I've only recently discovered this band, The Afters, and so far I can't get enough of their music. I have their Light Up The Sky album now, and I've been listening to it on a loop. My favorite song on this album so far is Life Me Up. The lyrics are powerful and they really just kind of meet me where I am on my walk with Christ right now.

There are a lot of things that aren't perfect right now, and my heart is definitely still so incredibly broken. But I do know that even though my hurt is so big, God is so much bigger and he will take care of me no matter what. It's not often that I really get preachy on my blog, and really, overly preachy blogs just kind of irritate me. But I have to tell you, I don't know where I would be or even who I would be if I didn't have a might Savior to have my back every step of the way.

Even when I'm mad at Him and even when I screw up so royally I don't know why anyone would love me, He is there. I can't always feel him, and sometimes I think He's left me, except that in reality I'm the one that moved. My journey has not been a perfect one, and although I grew up in Christian household I have still had a lot of struggles. I think really that everyone has had a lot of struggles, and I'm not really special in that way.

I'm just so tired of being hurt. Over and over again, I just let it happen. I'm not happy with my life right now, and there are so many things that I want to change about it - but some of those things are just way beyond my control. The hard part is letting Him take care of everything.

A lot of people give up on "the whole church thing" when they turn to God and still experience pain. He doesn't make everything hunky dory, nor does he promise that your walk will be easy. Christ followers still have the same struggles that people who do not "believe" have. We fail and fall short and mess up just as much as everyone else, and we all feel like we can be the biggest screw ups of all time. But we're not. We're normal. But He is always there to watch out for us, to care for us, and in our struggles He makes us stronger. He lifts us up.

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I’m where you want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to

Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
With your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love
To your love

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

Small Injustices

2011-07-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

I've been really good about not posting, huh? July has just been full of things that I don't really want to put out in cyberspace, do you know? But really, lots of things have been happening, I'm just not quite ready to talk about them.

And I haven't been really taking a lot of pictures, so I can't really fall back on a wordless post chalk full of images that do all the talking. Sorry about that, too. So, what have I been doing? Well, walking, for one. Cooking. Cleaning. Re-arranging. Hanging out with new people. Discovering new things about myself and about other people in my life.

Oh yeah, and I'm being taunted mercilessly by those people who are supposed to be, you know, my family. Do they ever just think it is absolutely hilarious to send me pictures of all the fun they get to have and all of their new toys.

It was funny at first, actually. My dad was posting pictures to Facebook of their trip to Kirkland where they were hanging out with my aunt and uncle in the middle of the woods. He talked about grilling dinner, smelling campfire smoke, and being with two of my favorite people. And. I. Hated. Every. Second. Of. It. I seriously wanted to be there so bad it hurt, but I work on Saturdays and that makes doing things over the weekend REALLY HARD. But guess what? Everybody else gets to work during the week, so their weekends are free. Cue emanating death rays of hate.

Oh, and then TheMechanic texts me about getting to eat pie. He actually sent me a picture of the stupid thing for the 4th of July - which I actually spent with PC who wouldn't even move off the couch to come outside and watch fireworks with me. Seriously, the LAMEST 4th I think I've ever had.

Then, DP texted me they were going camping. At Big Hank. Which is my favorite, just so you know. And do you know that I wake up in the morning and walk outside into the sunshine and I can just smell all of the plants and the fields and my heart just aches to go spend the night in a tent. I want to go camping SO BAD. And they never tell me when they are going so I can never plan to go with them.

And finally, TheKeeper sent me a picture of his brand spanking new Apple computer. I officially hate my entire family.

Okay, so I don't really hate them, but I'm seriously tired of everybody getting to do incredibly fun stuff and get new things and then tell me about it all while I'm stuck here in stupid Moscow too broke to go anywhere else.

The icing on the cake you ask? Even PC got asked to go camping with his friend for a weekend. My feelings couldn't have been more hurt.

Merry 4thmass

2011-07-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

I finally have a bedroom, guys. Seriously. I even have a bed! Know what that means? No more couch surfing for this girl, that's right. I've been rearranging and putting things away and reorganizing my bookshelves since my parents delivered my furniture last Saturday.

Unfortunately though, I have no pictures to show you yet, and as I'm currently sitting at PC's house watching him play the new Uncharted 3 Mulitplayer Beta (which he is incessantly upset with, extremely) it doesn't really look like I can get you those pictures right now anyway. So you'll just have to live in good faith that I'll post them soon.

Being that it is the fourth of July today, I plan on making hamburgers for dinner and digesting copious amounts of ruffles potato chips with spicy ranch dip and drinking fruit smoothies until you have to roll me home. Because really? What's a holiday about if you don't celebrate with delicious food? That's what I thought.

As for the fireworks? I hope we can see them from the balcony tonight, because it's not the fourth of July if you don't light up the sky.

Happy Independence Day, bloggies. Let freedom ring.

late night kitchen adventure

2011-06-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

PC and I have this habit of playing video games in the evening for hours. Inevitably we will turn to each other and our respective stomachs will gurgle and grumble.

"I'm hungry," he says. "What is there to eat?"

And then it is my job to figure out something to make. Usually I resort to chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven, covered in vanilla ice cream and slathered with chocolate syrup. But last night I didn't have any cookie mix, we were all out of ice cream and there was no chocolate syrup to be found.

That is when the miracle of the internet came into play. To the Googles! Because the internet knows everything. I typed in various ingredients that were stored in the pantry and tagged on the word dessert. I was greeted with hundreds of recipes, so I sorted through various ones that sounded appetizing and that we also had all the necessities. Mostly I wanted to only use things that we already had because a) it was late and i didn't want to go anywhere I didn't have to and b) going to the store means spending money, and I really just can't do too much of that at the moment.

So I found a recipe that was just exactly what I was looking for and I set to work. I got out all the ingredients I would need and started measuring them out and mixing them together.

After a couple minutes of measuring and mixing, my arm was tired from stirring everything together and I just wanted to sit for a bit. But the dough was looking fabulous and the oven was hot, so I spooned the dough onto the cookie sheet and set it to bake for 10 minutes.

The dough, undergoing transformation.

Ten minutes later I was greeted with piping hot chocolate chip scones that were absolutely delicious. Seriously you guys, I am turning into quite the little domestic housewife, except for the whole not actually being a wife part, you know how it goes.

We had a couple for dessert last night, and a few for breakfast this morning. The dough yields about 18 scones depending on how big you make them. I just used a table spoon, so some of my scones were a lot larger than others, but it's really up to you to decide how big you want them to be.

Chocolate Chip Scones
3 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup butter or margarine
1 egg, well beaten plus milk, to make 1 cup
1 cup mini chocolate chips

Directions:
Preheat oven to 450. Grease or spray a large cookie sheet.
Stir together dry ingredients including the sugar. Cut butter into flour mixture. Add chocolate chips (or raisins if you want, or nothing if you're a plain jane kind of girl (or guy)), stir to mix well. Beat egg in measuring cup. Add milk to make 1 cup. Stir into flour. Drop roughly tablespoon size scoops on cookie sheet. Bake for 10-12 minutes.

*You can knead 15-20 times and roll out and cut if you wish, but I prefer the ease of the drop method*

don't be scared

2011-06-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

say hi to mr. turtle!

(a picture to help comfort you as these changes take place on my blog)

I know! I know! The place is looking a little different around here, I moved the sofa, bought a new floor rug and some matching throw pillows, a little potpourri, the works. You may have also noticed the new name? Do you like it? Please say you like it.

It took me forever to decide on a new name. I contemplated taking a poll, but then I wondered how many people would actually comment? And then would I hurt anybody's feelings if I didn't pick their suggestion? And then I decided that I needed to eat some chocolate chip cookies while I tried desperately to conjure up a name that wasn't overused, too cliche, and still managed to sort of convey what I am all about.

I started by looking up idioms. Lots and lots of idioms. I liked "Rolling With The Punches" because I have to learn about how to do that, I like "Show Your True Colors" because I like to think I'm not fake here on TheBlog. But really, all the idioms I looked up didn't seem to make the grade. Though I was reminded of quite a few that I will have to figure out how to put into regular blog conversation. (No room to swing a cat? Come on! That is priceless people. Priceless.)

But then I realized that all of the idioms that I actually liked using, we all about this whole idea of being yourself. Combined with the whole idea of trying to find out really who I am since the big split with PC, and I figured that I needed something deeper than an idiom. So I started looking up quotes.

I found love quotes and inspirational quotes, but then I clicked on the encouragement quotes and found all sorts of good things. Quotes, I felt, were a little too long for a title though. But I found just the perfect one that went with the design I already had in my header.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

So there it was. The quote that perfectly matched the design and the idea of the blog. Now I just needed a title? And lo, but where would I be without a title? So I mulled over different combinations of words and nothing was really doing anything for me. But you know a caterpillar turns into a butterfly and then has to figure out how to be a butterfly. There's all this new stuff that goes along with it!

And well really, when you put it that way, who does that sound like to you? That's exactly what I was thinking.

So look around a bit, peek through the stuff on the walls, have a look at the pictures, try out the new sofa (but don't spill anything on my new red slip covers!) and chow down on some pop corn - it's extra buttery, just for you.

PC meets the Arboretum and I need a new name

2011-06-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

Days like today make me want to go camping. I miss when I could afford to take vacations. But now it's all about school and work. I can't miss too many school days during the semester or my grades will suffer, and I can't miss too many work days because my bank account suffers.

Someday I will take a nice vacation. And I will go lounge around the sunshine. But for now, I'll have to be content with what I have. And actually, today was a really good followup to the horrid day I had yesterday.

But guys, I have to tell you something important. A lot of things in my life have changed, and so has this blog. I don't feel right calling it "My Life's Graffiti" anymore because that dealt more with my artwork (hence the whole 'graffiti' idea, you know?). But now I've moved my art stuff over here and this blog has become more of a place for writing (and photography since this post doesn't have a lot of words).

So I am trying to come up with a new name for TheBlog. We all know it needs to happen, so if someday in the near future you find yourself stumbled upon this blog and it might look a little different and have a different name, just know that it's still the same place with the same Natalie, and that you're not lost in cyberspace!

lately, june

2011-06-24T23:16:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking an awful lot about the future lately. I wonder where it will take me? I wonder what I will do with my life? I don't think I will be a teacher forever. Mostly because I don't want to be a teacher forever.

But I do make awesome chocolate chip cookies...so you know. There's always that.

However, I am thinking that I would like to just be a housewife. And raise some kiddos and sell artwork from my own handcrafted/vintage decorated beautiful house. I think that sounds perfect, but don't you?

I have also been thinking about names. I have always liked Gabriel for a boy and no one, but no one can talk me out of that one. But girls names have always been difficult for me. I fall in and out of love so easily with girls names. And I don't want one that's popular! No thank you! I will not be naming a daughter of mine Emily or Madison or Taylor. Those are not bad names, but everyone is named that it feels like.

However, I do like Tenlee. I'm not sure why, but I do. Tenlee Jane? Maybe? I don't know. It will be a long time before I have to use it though, so oh well.

This is a doodle I created at work the other day while it was slow. And then Prince Charming and Pengowen came to bother me for some fruit smoothies and a hot chocolate. I love it when my friends come bug me at work. It seriously makes my whole shift that much better.

But oh I do love my job. And now that summer school is done hopefully I can work more? Except that only time will really tell. But I have been filling out job applications too, so maybe something will turn up soon? One can hope. I am tired of being broke.

But I am not tired of thunder storms. We got our first one of the summer the other night. I was sitting on the back porch painting when the wind started to move all of my supplies anywhere it wanted and I ran around gathering up my stuff and hoping my pencils didn't fall through the cracks of the balcony.

The sky, however, was mighty gorgeous. I mean, vibrant! And pink! I just wanted to sit on the porch and stare at it until it went away, but I had to finish my painting instead. So I left window open and painted while I listened the deep rumble of the thunder. When I moved to the couch I could watch the lightning for a bit and then count to see how "far away" the thunder was, like I learned from a book I loved in elementary school. Thunder Bread? Thunder Cake? Something thunder and there was a Babushka and I read it over and over and over again.

But here is my painting, all finished. I posted about it over here on my art blog, but this is the final final painting. It's the biggest one I've done all semester! A half sheet of watercolor paper. A half sheet!

Except well, beautiful. Really. I love the little bumble bee. Too cute.

How is your summer?

my favorite season

2011-06-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

Do you know that the sun is finally shining? And the trees! They are green! It's amazing! I live for Idaho in the summer, it's beautiful. Idaho in the winter is fantastic too, don't get me wrong, but there is just something about summer that I can't get enough of.

People always pop the question, would you rather live in perpetual heat or never ending cold? I find that a majority of people always answer cold. Cold, cold, cold, they say! It's easier to put on layers, and you can only get so naked, they say! Let them have the cold, I say.

They can keep it. I would rather stand in front of a fan than shiver in front of a fireplace. But that's just me.

And also? I live in Idaho. It doesn't get 185 degrees here in the summer, though it can get up in the hundreds. And those days? They really don't bug me so much. I'll spend it at the lake, submerged with the fishes. Maybe I'm just biased though, because I was born in the summer. So perhaps that's why it's my favorite?

Or rather I really like running around in tank tops and shorts. My favorite ensemble. And flip flops! I love flip flops! Or thongs, depending on where you're from. I used to call them thongs all the time when I was little, and for the beginning years of my life I had no idea that a thong was also a type of underwear.

But maybe I love summer so much because that always meant school was out, there was no homework, and I was free to climb trees, ride my bike, pretend to be an Indian, jump on trampolines, conspire with the neighborhood kids, and cause all sorts of trouble in the great out of doors. In shorts! My legs could be free!

It doesn't get dark until 9 o'clock in the summer time. Twilight was my favorite favorite hour to be outside. Running in the grass barefoot, playing with the dog, completing expertly maneuvered cartwheels after the sun had gone down but it wasn't quite pitch black yet.

And the thunder storms! I live for thunder storms. That low rumble followed by a spear of bright white lightning! Oh! I can't get enough of that stuff.

But lately it seems that the last couple of years have taken summer a bit longer to come out. But now? Now I think she's finally here. It's supposed to be 82 tomorrow. I can't wait!

My Dad

2011-06-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

This is my dad. He pretty much rules. He's also a pretty big ski bum and he loves him some spicy food.

My dad is amazing. Wanna know why? He's a total man of God and him and my momma worked hard to bring us up right. Also? He stared cancer in the face and beat it to a bloody pulp. (He is super man, I tell you.)

Guess what else? He has a totally rad car.

Tell me that you do not love that car. You can't do it can you? That's because it's beautiful!! We have never had a car this fancy ever and every time I sit in it I grin like an idiot. Can't help it, you know? There's just something about a convertible that wins over a girl's heart.

Plus, this picture is my dad's FB profile picture:

Proving that I am, in fact, his favorite child. pphhhbbbttt!

Happy father's day, Dad. ♥ I love you a lot.

this one has a lot of pictures

2011-06-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have noticed how I was conspicuously absent from blogworld this weekend...no? You didn't? Well, I suppose I'll just tell you where I was anyway, seeing as how you're just brimming with curiosity and all...

I went back home this weekend for the first time since the semester ended. It was for a momentous occasion, even! How special is that? It was a once in a lifetime event! You see, I have this brother. He's kind of cool and stuff. Sometimes. (I don't want to boost his ego too much, even though I don't really think he reads my blog...)

Anyway, this brother dude that I have decided that this year would be his last year of high school and he hopped on board the graduation train for class of 2011. Him and all 282 of his friends.

(he's the tall one in the middle, in case you forgot)

And while I was home I got to do lots of things! Fun filled things! The kinds of things that you can't do in M-town because there are no people here (usually) that are my friends!

First off, I got my hair done by the amazing and talented Ariel, who I've known since high school. It's been a couple years since I spent any amount of time with her, and well, I missed her bunches. And she did a fab job on my hair. And also, I'm super bummed that I didn't get a picture of us together, so this one will have to do:

You can't really see my hair, but you can totally see the awesome helmet that I found at Target. I tried to get PC to try on a completely lame head protector with me, but the best I could do was make him take my picture. You're welcome.

In addition to being photographed with amazing head wear, I also got sit in (but not ride in! how rude!) my dad's new addition to our family. We call it Bumble Bee. Bumble, say hi to everyone, everyone say hi to Bumble:

(PC sitting in the driver's seat)

Oh yeah, and I hung out with PC and our friend Pengowen, who had the most awesome shirt ever:

So there you have it. The most awesome weekend in the history of weekends in the month of June in the year 2011. Yes. Please.

Deal: Explained

2011-06-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

Last week I did the 6 word memoir, so this week I'm going to explain it.

If you hang out here in my corner of the internet often enough you would know that January was quite a painful month for me, and February wasn't much better. A certain Mr. Prince Charming and I ended up calling it quits after just over two years and I was really quite down in the dumps about it. I quit eating, I had no motivation to do anything, I really only wanted to hang out with my mom, and I spent an inexcusable amount of time crying my eyes out.

It was one of the absolute worst times in my life, and I really honestly thought it would never ever end even though everyone kept telling me that it would take time. Time! I thought that time would never end! I figured everyone was just crazy and that I would be stuck feeling like that forever and ever amen.

You see, I'd spent the last two years building my life around him because he said he would never leave. He promised that he would always be there for me, through thick and thin. And I believed him. Walking out of that relationship ripped my heart clean out of my chest. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know who I was or even where to start to begin to even figure that out.

I was completely and utterly lost without him. Words cannot describe the intenseness of extreme heartbreak. You can try to explain it, but unless you've really been there you honestly have no clue what it's like. I kept waiting for something to happen. For my motivation to come back. I kept waiting to be happy again, but I felt like without him there it wasn't possible.

We decided to take a month where we wouldn't see each other. At first we weren't going to talk to each other, but hello, it's me and the big PC. We really don't know how to not talk to each other. But we did make good on not seeing each other. No more eating together, no video games, no trips to the mall, nothing.

I didn't want to go through with it. I didn't understand why he didn't love me anymore, and I desperately wanted to know what I had done wrong. I thought in that month he would find someone new and forget all about me and then, well, where would I be?

What I didn't realize is that during this month I would spend time with my friends. You know, those people I'd been neglecting in my state of wallowing in self pity. I bonded with my roommate. I watched TV with Zelda. I lost 15 pounds. I went out for pizza and movies with a guy from work. I ever so slowly started to figure out who I was again.

I didn't need him. I am still my own person and I can't rely on someone else to build my identity for me, it's something I have to do myself. You have to be yourself before you can love someone else anyway. That month apart turned out to be something so beneficial to my wounded soul, even though I had no idea what I was in for at first.

I have a new found respect for Special K snack bars, I started taking self portraits again after avoiding the camera for months and months, I went to the gym (on a regular basis! with a friend!), I went out and I did stuff. I studied at the coffee shop because I couldn't bear to spend more time in my dorm room than necessary, and you know what? It. was. nice.

Although I'm really still on the path to discovering who I am, I have a better sense of it now. And I like myself better than I did the last few months of my relationship with Prince. I make more sense to myself now. I'm more comfortable with my flaws, and I know that I will always have people around who love me more than words can describe. Jesus will always be there for me, and so will my parents and family. It took losing him to get myself back. Life is a journey and this is just the beginning.

So you can take me or leave me, but: I am me. Deal with it.

rain flowers

2011-06-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

Here is some eye candy for your enjoyment. These are just a few of the flowers that I saw today walking around campus. It would appear that spring is finally here, just in time for summer.

I am loving the water droplets. It rained a bunch while I was trying to watercolor, but I think the rain makes things beautiful.

wherein i confess to you my true colors

2011-06-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

Can I just tell you something?

I am not a people person.

And that makes me nervous, a little bit.

I'm more inclined to become annoyed with strangers than have patience. I'd rather not talk to you if I don't have to. If I'm surrounded by a lot of you, I'll find a quiet corner to be by myself after an hour or two.

It's not that I don't necessarily like meeting new people, it's just that well, really, I'm not that great at making conversation. And sometimes I can come off too strong or too sarcastic and then maybe hurt your feelings and then I beat myself up about it for days. For days! I am not kidding! I am the type of person who will have a conversation with you and then afterwards I will analyze everything we said and worry that I did something stupid to make you think less of me. Yeah, I know right? Weird.

Also, I'm not that great at making friends. All of my friends have made friends with me, I didn't go seeking them out. Usually something circumstantial throws me in with new people, and from those new people a couple of them befriend me, and then voila, new friends for Natalie! Did you notice how none of that involved me being proactive and heavily involved in the friend making process?

Therefore, I am still in kindergarten in regards to making friends with someone. Even my best friend in elementary school is the one who came up to me and said, "I'm _____, let's be friends." (Because that's how it's done in the kindergarten world, everyone knows.)

Unfortunately, I'm also not one to keep a friendship going. If you don't text me, I probably won't text you. And trust me, it's not because I don't like you anymore! Sometimes I make plans with people, but to me it's always awkward and I spend hours (hours!) wondering what we'll do? What should I say to you? Where should we go? Heaven forbid we become bored, then what? And it's just a lot more worry than I can handle sometimes. But now, now if you plan something, great! I might show up and be entertained. Or maybe I will just decide that I'd rather stay home and sit on the couch watching TLC and DiscoveryHealth until bed time. You know, because both options are fun. For me, anyway.

However, this has presented a problem to me as of recently. Mostly because I have no one to hang out with here in M-town. All my ready-made friends are gone gone gone with the exceptions of a one Prince Charming, a one Missile, and one of the "Sirs" from my freshmen year if any of you remember that time in my life (except I haven't actually spent time with him yet, he's just here. Again, a product of the whole lack of motivation to make plans with people).

Prince told me I should make friends with someone from my summer painting class. I don't know if I could do that. I don't know how you make friends with people? Plus, I get scared and my heart beats really fast and then words get caught in my throat and I feel like no one really wants to deal with that. Kind of like talking on the phone...

I really don't know how I ended up not necessarily liking people all that much. I tend to roll my eyes a lot and wonder about other people's intelligence levels. I'm not actually a mean person, I promise! I mean, I have to talk to people at work, and hopefully none of them think I'm mean otherwise I don't think I'd still have a job. But it is what it is, I think. And I think that even though I don't like approaching new people and I like being alone sometimes, I don't like being lonely. I need more friends.

I'll have to work on that, hmm? Do you want to be my friend? (Probably not now, after I insulted your smartness and said I roll my eyes a bunch, huh? It's okay. I don't blame you.)

Where Is The World Headed?

2011-06-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

I'm glad I'm not in Kansas right now. Do you want to know why? Because of this guy.

If there's something I'm passionate about, it's art in the education system. Not everyone is cut out to be a doctor or a scientist or a famous mathematician, so why do the people in charge of the education system think that's how it should be run? Also, if we're trying to compete with Asian countries' education systems, why are we cutting the budget anyway? Mind = boggled.

Also, in addition to art being part of the education system, I think it's everywhere. And this Kansas guy just cut the whole state budget for the Kansas Art Commission. I mean, seriously? What I really don't understand is why everybody has to hate on art. We all enjoy it. Have you ever been to a museum? Have you ever been to a gallery?

Have you ever watched Bob Ross on television? Do you have paintings in your own home?

I just don't understand how math and science can be valued more than visual, performance or musical art. Without those creative outlets we would live in a highly boring world full of people with no imaginations. We're essentially cutting off the hands of our populations by taking away funding for art (and education!). I just don't see where this guy gets off shutting down state funded art programs. Does he even really have any idea the impact of that?

And then to say he's setting a trend and hopes other states follow his lead?? How utterly rude and assuming of him. I'd like to slap him upside his dumb political infested head and ask him just exactly what's wrong with him.

Deal

2011-06-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

1.) Six Word Memoir: Write about a significant time in your life in just six words.

I am me. Deal with it.

It took me a while to figure out what six words worked best. After all, how do you really narrow down who you are to six words? We're so much more than that.

Honored

2011-05-31T18:16:00.000-07:00

Sooooo I got an award! Woohoo! It's been a little while since I've received one of those! Everybody's favorite Stephanie got really confused and thinks I'm a great artist and therefore gave me this award. (Let's not tell her the truth okay? I like getting awards. Shhhh)

So now the deal is that I have to tell you 10 things about myself and then award some other find bloggers who I think are totally Kreativ.

10 Things About Natalie:

1. I'm a nerd. Like, a nerdy nerd. I;m a make video game references in broad day light in crowded places kind of nerd. The kind of nerdy that my brother posts Portal 2 demotivational posters on my facebook page nerd.

2. I want to be crafty. I want to be that one friend that always hand makes the gifts and the cards you get from her. I'm not that friend yet. But I will be! Someday.

3. I'd rather be barefoot. But I also really like shoes. What a freakin' dilemma that can be.

4. I'm introverted, meaning that instead of getting a charge out of being with other people I get exhausted and need some 'me time' before I go out again.

5. I don't want to live in Idaho for the rest of my life. I dream about what it would be like to move away from here. I have no idea where I'll go yet, but just somewhere different would be nice. I think I need a vacation. I haven't had one of those in a very long time.

6. I grew up hating Mexican food. Did. Not. Want. Anything. To. Do.With. That. Nastiness. And now? I can't get enough of it. Carne Asada? Yes please. Shrimp fajitas? Of course! Chips and salsa? GIVE ME MORE!

7. I can't stand beans. Any kind of beans at all. None. I simply just refuse to eat them. They're gross on every level.

8. I miss sleepovers. The kind in high school, you know? The ones where you stayed up all night watching movies and pranking each other. Back when you painted each fingernail a different color and your best friend gave you a "fabulous" make over. Late night kitchen raids tip toeing around the house so you didn't wake up the Parents. Those were the days.

9. It is amazing unto me how many friends from high school I know who are engaged, married, and popping out kiddies. Seriously, I've only been graduated for three years, people. It's just unbelievable sometimes.

10. I love learning the histories of languages and words. I know how several commonly used phrases originated and things like that. In church I love learning the Greek or Hebrew words behind our English ones, because the Greek and Hebrew words are more specific. English is a really vague language and the more I learn about it, the more I don't like it all that much.

But enough about me! Especially since I was supposed to stop at 10 things anyway.

So I pick:

Cassandra ....because I simply enjoy her blog and she's just super cute.
Melissa ....because I love her. Bunches.
Valorie ....because she is awesome. Seriously.
and Natalie .....because she's adorable and always has the best blog headers every season!

Memorial Day

2011-05-30T12:47:00.001-07:00

Happy Memorial Day, Gramps.

Satisfaction

2011-05-30T00:44:00.000-07:00

I am not quite unlike a four year old whenever I go shopping. Unless I'm in a hurry. Then it's to be said I am more like that nasty old lady whole will beat you with her purse within an inch of your life because you decided it would be a good idea to take up the whole aisle with your friend and your shopping cart. But mostly, I am four because I pick. up. everything.

Prince and I went for a walk today. We walked over to Hastings and to the grocery store in search of dinner and a movie. And I must say, sometimes he can be a total downer. We walked passed the market where enormous cardboard boxes full of watermelons sat outside. Prince remarked about his lack of interest in said fruit and I reached out and touched them yelling "He didn't mean it!"

It is almost summer you know, and watermelons are the staple melon of summer. So juicy and delicious, I could just live off of watermelon during the summer.

And then we had to walk passed Michael's, and let it just be said that I could live at Michael's. I even applied for a job there. But of course, there was loads of summery supplies sitting in bins outside. Flip flops and plastic buckets and shovels. I started picking up this item and that item, saying how for all the world I'd love to go to the beach. That really is the best part about summer, the beach.

I felt Prince's fingers firmly grasp my arm and I was forced to relinquish the plastic bucket back into the bin, while again hearing about how I just had to be four years old. He dragged me passed Joann's Fabric and then RiteAid. RiteAid boasted huge displays of spring time blossoms. Pinks and whites and yellows all flooded my vision, and the smells! Oh the flowers smelled so delicious! I stooped down the pushed my nose into the blooming bouquets so I could relish in the deeply fragrant flowers, and I wished for the hundredth time that someone would find it in his heart to buy me one.

In my heart of hearts I knew I would probably viciously murder any plant that found it's way into my house, though. My mother is a plant killer and I feel as though I probably would be no better. Mostly it's just a forgetfulness of the need plants have for water. I mean, who drinks water anymore? Anyway, Prince chuckled at my request to buy one, and we moved on plantlessly.

The sun was shining and I was really beginning to regret my decision to wear a sweatshirt as we walked passed stores and restaurant fronts talking about this, that and the other thing. We finally got to Hastings, and there was a large plastic cup rack just outside the entrance. You know the kind, all colorful and kid like with different names in giant bubble letters loudly and vibrantly declaring that the mug exists for a person named so particularly?

I walked right up to the rack and my favorite of all favorite boy names, Gabriel was right up front and center. I really want to name my future son Gabriel, after the messenger angel. My mom always scoffs and tells me I'll have to marry a Latino guy if I want to name my son Gabriel. To that I say loudly and defiantly "Whatever Mom. He's gonna be my kid, not yours." Funnily enough I have no girls names picked out. When Prince and I were serious, he liked the name Jora for a girl, but good luck finding that on a mug or a keychain. I still think it's a really pretty name though.

I picked through all the mugs, looking them up and down. Prince had to pry me away from them, complaining yet again that I was such a preschooler. I just had to touch everything. And oh but I do! I pick everything up, look it over and put it back down again in order to move on to the next thing. It's part of my nature. I'm very much a "look at everything from all sides" kind of girl and not really a "take everything at face value" kind of person.

If my mother taught me one thing, it's that you always ask questions. I never just do something because someone somewhere said it's what needed to be done. I always ask why. I have to find out the reason it's done this way. Why don't we do it another? What about thinking about it from this angle? What do you mean, you didn't ask how come? I remember getting constantly frustrated with Prince after he would tell me about something his mom told him and I would ask why this and why that and he had no answers.

I can't imagine just taking things as they come and not questioning them. You learn by asking questions and making mistakes. So why on Earth would you just sit there and let life hand you things without ever asking why you were being given this or that? It makes no sense. It's like walking into a shop and buying something without knowing what you're getting. Why would you do that?

So I touch things and move stuff. I pick up things and examine them. I ask why. I ask why not. Consequently, I also have a pretty good immune system. Probably because I'm not really afraid of getting my hands dirty. When Prince first moved away to college he was sick all the time. I'm convinced it's because his crazy mother keeps her house completely sterile and void of any sort of dirt or uncleanliness whatsoever.

It's not bad to have a clean house, and I also don't think it's bad to pick everything up in a store. Curiosity may have killed the cat you know, but what they don't ever tell you is that satisfaction brought it back.

hello? is this thing on?

2011-05-27T01:37:00.000-07:00

I have been a really bad blogger lately. I haven't been posting all that much or commenting as much as I used to. I've been up on my reading though, just you know, lazy bones this one. I'm not really sure as to why, other than I got a little overwhelmed with the end of last semester and things with Princey have been rocky at best.

Most of the time we get along alright, but I have called my mom a couple times in a crying frenzy over something stupid that transpired between the two of us. I keep hoping that things will mend themselves, you know? But really only time will tell. I try to tell myself to take it one day at a time. Either we'll end up together or we won't and no amount of pining or worrying or crying is going to make a difference. Things have been nice lately, and I'm hoping they will stay that way.

So on to brighter and happier things shall we? Oh good.

Now that the semester is over, I'm only taking one class. That means more time for stuff I actually like doing. Like blogging. I promise to be a better blogger. Maybe even post pictures of things that aren't artwork! Can you imagine? It's been a while, I know.

And in addition to promising to get back into the blogging swing, I've discovered that I'm a dab hand in the kitchen, wouldn't you know? I can cook things like hamburgers and spaghetti and tacos. I can make awesome chocolate chip pancakes and fry an egg with the best of them. And my spicy cayenne ranch dip is to die for. And it is spicy, lemme tell you.

Have you been to Applebee's? Poor Moscow, really it's one of the nicest restaurants in town. Definitely on the higher end of the spectrum here in this tiny little podunk place in the middle of nowhere. But I do like their food, especially the Bourbon Street Steak. Please, if you haven't eaten that delectable morsel of meaty goodness you need to go right now. RIGHT NOW!

I am getting way off topic.

I bring up Applee's to you because of this dessert that they have. And let us just agree that chocolate chip cookies and vanilla ice cream drenched in chocolate syrup might just be the best invention ever next to my mother's award winning apple pie (seriously, it's super delicious and I will never be able to top it).

So anyway, I had a craving tonight for delicious vanilla ice cream soaked chocolate chip cookies but I really didn't want to waste precious pennies on something I could make myself. And I did. Because I can be domestic and stuff sometimes. Actually, I really like playing house, but don't tell anyone okay? Okay.

Tell me please, what have you been up to lately? Let's get reacquainted. I feel like we barely know each other anymore!

that one time i made another blog and nobody cared

2011-05-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

So remember when I started that other blog and then no body really took an interest in reading it, but that was kind of okay since it was mostly to help me with a ridiculously hard class I was taking? Well, remember how the semester is over now and I'm not in that stupidly hard class anymore?

Yeah.

So I was left with this blog, and I looked at it. Poor pitiful blog without a purpose. And I contemplated ending it's sad little life, but I thought that was too easy. Why, it was just a young thing! It has lots of life left inside it's little html walls. How could I do something so cruel as to behead it before it had even begun to really blossom? I mean, how rude!

I hmmed and hawed and tilted my head for a bit. And then I made some chicken noodle soup, stared at some of my newly created watercolor paintings and it hit me. I've been wondering whether or not I should start an art blog for a while now, since I'm producing a lot of new stuff in a relatively short period of time for all of my classes here at the university.

So I changed this little blog's life and turned it into a place for me to show off the new things I have created. I tried to import some of my art posts from this blog over to that one, but it was way to complicated for my poor little brain to try and sit there and figure out.

I'm tired guys, I mean, I've been sleeping on a couch since I moved out of the dorm. Not exactly a recipe for a good night's rest. Therefore, trying to understand how importing and exporting a blog works, I just decided that it would be a fresh start and that I would just start posting new stuff to that blog instead of this one.

Anyway, I figured that you guys probably weren't really interested in art theory before, but most of you seem to like when I post about the concept behind my art or the technique or just looking at what new stuff channels its way out of my head. Well, here's the place you'll find it. So if you could, just click this link, this one right here, and follow me! See, I just gave you three links! Four! So that's no excuse!

If it helps, there's a cute picture over there right now. It's not watercolor, it's from print making, but still. It's adorable. Don't hurt its feelings. Or the blog's for that matter. It was rather suicidal a little bit ago, and I had to rescue it. And you have to help me!

A joint effort!

I'll give you cookies?

No?

Still not interested?

A pony?

Well okay. I'll quit pushing the issue.

...

please?

I Haven't Used Watercolors Since Elementary School

2011-05-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

It's no secret around here that me and painting are just simply not friends. I documented my oil painting class progress, but ultimately I was never really happy with any of my paintings except for my good friend Davy Jones and my final project.

So when I was making my schedule for next fall, you can imagine my disheartened attitude when I decided that intermediate painting was a better fit than intermediate printmaking. Because some of my education classes were only offered at one time and that conflicted with the only section of intermediate printmaking, and well Bloggies, it just wasn't meant to be.

And in addition to my intermediate painting class come the Fall 2011 semester, this summer I have been enrolled into a watercolor painting class. I was actually kind of excited for this class, because it wasn't oil painting, but also I was a bit worried that I would hate it also. Besides my apparent love for mixing colors with a brush, I'd also heard things about my professor. I had heard that a lot of people didn't like him. I already took a class last semester where I hated my professor, and please oh please I didn't want my only summer class to be that way too.

So imagine my surprise when I decided that I actually liked watercolors, and I liked my professor too. Granted, we are only three days into the semester, but it's already less painful than oil painting ever was. We'll see if the fun lasts, but I'm ready for a studio class that I actually enjoy going to again.

This is the first watercolor painting I did this summer. I hadn't used watercolor paints since I was about six, it feels like. Plus, you always give the little kiddies cheap watercolors that don't really work very well anyways. Also, at six you don't really know how to use them correctly anyway - so I actually kind of hated them when I was little too. Anyway, this picture turned out fun and I really like the lamp post.

This was meant to focus on the clouds. It was starting to get stormy out, and the sky was really moody. I kept getting compliments on this painting though. One of the guys in my class took a particular liking to it for reasons that I'm not really sure, but I'm not going to complain. They say you aren't really an artist until someone outside of your family is willing to pay and display your stuff in their house.

This is our painting from today. There is a field of cows on campus, and this building is over by where they graze. It's an old creaky chicken coop looking thing. My favorite part of this painting is the tree though, to be honest.

It wasn't even by the building, I just wanted to paint it. And that's something that I absolutely love about this painting class, is that you can move things around and decide to not paint other things, it's really up to you. That's a freedom I didn't really have in my rigidly structured oil studio class. I wish I could take intermediate watercolor next semester. Maybe they'll let me use watercolors anyway?? You think? Me either.

This Painting Took Forever And I'm Glad I'm Finally Done With It

2011-05-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

My latest project.

I have been thinking of selling my artwork. My mom said the other day that someone asked her if I was selling what I made and sent me into "what if" mode. My printmaking instructor last semester even suggested that I sell some of my prints.

I don't know exactly how Etsy works, or really anything about it other than you can sell your handmade products on its website. Also, I have no idea how much money I would list my work for anyway. I mean, I have paintings and prints and drawings that I could potentially sell, but how much do those things go for anyway?

Besides, I get attached to some of my work and I don't want to let it go! I don't know if I could bring myself to part with some of my artwork, but I suppose maybe if the price was high enough? Who knows. Unless I make it with the idea in mind of giving it away or I end up hating it, generally I don't like to part with my stuff.

Giving things to family is different though, because I know I'll see it again and that it's going to a good home and that it's loved and cherished and cared for. Not that someone who pays money for it would be any less careful about how they handle my artwork, but really, I would be parting with it forever.

Who knows what will happen, but maybe someday I will sell my work. Maybe it will be sooner rather than later. At least I'm considering it, right?

It's Almost Over

2011-05-05T00:11:00.000-07:00

There's a week and half left of the semester. My brain is on overload.

You know how it goes.

So Ready

2011-04-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

I'm ready for the warm feeling you get when the sun shines on your skin, the smell of freshly mowed grass and how it feels against your bare feet, and the sound of people interacting outside. I'm ready for picnics and cartwheels and swimming. I'm ready to cruise around town with my windows down and my music up and my hair blowing in the breeze.

I'm ready for flowers and sprinklers and foot freedom. I'm ready for a good sandwich followed by sweet lemonade. I'm ready for green leafs and lady bugs and bumble bees. You can keep the wasps though, I'm pretty sure no one likes them.

I'm ready for road trips and adventures to nowhere. I'm ready to have sunshine until 9 o'clock at night. I'm ready for T-shirt and shorts weather. I'm ready for flip flops and day dreams and cloud watching. I'm ready for lakes and rivers and camping and fishing and playing pretend.

I'm ready for barbecue and vanilla ice cream. I'm ready for summer, but I'll take spring if and when it actually decides to show up. I'm so bored of the wind and rain. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

I'm ready for this.

The Easter Bunny and Easter Eggs and Jesus

2011-04-25T01:21:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about Easter. There's a fun side to Easter, a commercial side to Easter, and a religious side to Easter. It's a pretty complicated holiday, to be sure.

I mean, we have the Easter bunny - which I've heard that the bunny was a fertility sign from a pagan holiday that merged with the celebration of the resurrection of Christ when Constantine up and got Christian all over the Roman Empire. But when you're little you have no idea about that stuff - the Easter Bunny brings you everybody's favorite Easter baskets! Candy! Toys! Fake green paper strips to imitate grass and get all over the house and in corners you didn't even know existed! And candy!

And I mean people, let's not forget the famed Easter egg hunts! I remember that was the thing I used to be the most excited about when I was little - I mean yeah, okay, church in the morning in a highly uncomfortable dress and tights! (Tights I tell you! Oh the horror! How my legs loathed being encased by suffocating white thin socks that went all the way up to my waist! It was torture.) But even though we heard the message about the wonderful thing that Jesus did for us, I was still super stoked about those plastic eggs filled with sweets waiting to be found in our house. Coloring the hard boiled eggs was almost just as fun.

I remember being so disappointed when my parents decided to quit hiding the eggs for us to find. I was mad at them for taking away all the fun. I felt like they were just being too lazy to hide the Easter eggs, and to an extent that was true. I mean, they'd been doing it for a long time when they finally decided to stop, but I still felt like it was unfair. I felt like The DP and The Mechanic got shafted because when I was their age I still got Easter egg hunts.

The Keeper and I took it upon ourselves to hide the Easter eggs for the little kids. That didn't last very long, but it made me feel better. And then my aunt and uncle moved across the state line from us, about a half hour away, and they held grand Easter egg hunts. Not only were there eggs filled with candy, but also with coins. And I just couldn't get over that. Those crazy kids also hid a "Golden Egg" filled with a 20 dollar bill - and you can guess that's what the real competition was about. We each wanted it equally as bad as the others and every year we set out on a mission to find that silly egg and claim the prize for our wallets!

But now that I'm older, egg hunts are a little below me. I still miss them, but I don't feel like I'm missing out something fierce just because I don't participate in one. However, I feel like for me it's more about celebrating Jesus. And eating candy.

I mean, this holiday I feel like should be bigger than Christmas. Yes, Christmas is all fine and good and shouldn't be overlooked because it is a truly great thing to celebrate the birth of our Savior, but Easter! People, Easter is when we celebrate the reason that He was sent to us! His death on the cross and resurrection from the tomb three days later to save us from our sins! I feel like that message is somewhat lost.

The pastor today gave a good message about sinning and missing the mark but we are forgiven! And we are loved no matter what the circumstance, no matter how bad we mess up, or how low we think we've sunk, Jesus' love will always find us. But I feel like he just didn't really drive his message home, he would talk right up to the point and then stop short. I kept waiting for him to say "But He is RISEN! And we are FORGIVEN! Hallelujah! What a HAPPY DAY!" But he just never got that excited about it. I didn't feel like he really celebrated that awesome wonderful news.

Don't worry though, I got excited myself. Today was about celebration, and I celebrated by eating tootsie rolls and Reese's peanut butter eggs and treating myself to dinner tonight.

I'm not perfect, I don't try to be perfect, but I am forgiven and I am loved and my Savior has conquered the grave to live again! And what better news could you ask for?

Missing: Natalie's Brain

2011-04-20T15:10:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I have become a horrible blogger. I used to write faithfully, everyday. I would come home from class and spew all the details of my day into the interwebs for everyone to love and cherish and absorb because I was just. that. important.

And now, you know, I'm lucky to post three times a month occasionally. I still read blogs. I check in and see what's up with everybody and their awesome blogging lives. Sometimes I will even leave a comment, you know, really step out on that limb.

My problem is that I just don't know what to write about. I mean, there's lots of things I could write about, but then I sit down to write it and spend half the time erasing it all and starting over before I ultimately delete the whole thing.

I have taken to hanging out with boys, working, homework, music, causing problems, watching too much ANTM and running at the gym. I suppose this could give me some great blog fodder. I'm interesting. I'm funny. But my mind really just likes to give me a complete blank whenever I'm about to do something important.

Also, I feel like I don't comprehend anything anymore. Just ask poor Prince Charming. We'll be at Bob's eating a meal, and he is sitting there chattering away about video games and I'll just look at him with this deer in the headlights expression not understanding a word he just said.

It's just like chalk on a nailsboard.

(Stuck that one in there for you Prince-y. Phhbbtt)

I wonder how I get anything done though. Somehow it happens because my homework keeps getting mysteriously turned in... so someone has to be doing it. I've been spending a lot of time at work. Working mostly, and doing homework. Lots of homework.

I created an e-portfolio. I've been busy painting. I've been busy teaching - and today was our last art 100 lab! Tears! I registered for classes. I have only three semesters left! That's a scary thought if there ever was one. I assure you. I can't believe I've come this far. I also can't believe that TheKeeper is starting college in the fall too.

Anyway, this is a mess of a post, but I feel like I have to do something so you don't think I've gone and died on you all.

It's A Process

2011-04-12T23:06:00.000-07:00

I had to paint ice cream. Well, first I painted the ice cream cone before class started so that it would be dry by the time I had to paint to actual ice cream.

Then, as we were painting our ice cream, naturally the ice cream decided that melting all over the place was a fantastic idea. And so then my painting just had to evolve and change with the ice cream.

It's a little more difficult that one would think, painting ice cream. Especially when it's three different colors all rolling around and melting together and getting all up in each others' business.

Towards the end of the painting process, my ice cream more closely resembled some sort of thick soup rather than delicious chocolate/strawberry/vanilla goodness.

It transformed from a ball of ice cream into a puddle, and I had to put in a background to show where the ice cream was collapsing.

This was an Adventure with a capital A if I've ever had one.

And the final product:

Mmmmmm tasty.

Word Rambling And More Paint Hate

2011-04-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that I have yet to post anything since April started, and well, that's just a shame. It's not that I've been too busy to write anything, it's just that every time I sit down in front of my computer and enter blogworld, all of the contents of my brain escape.

My fingers start getting ahead of my mind, and then I start omitting words from sentences, typing letters out of order, and well, it just ends up being riotous and forcing me to get out the pitchfork and lanterns while assembling a small militia of grammar warriors to round everything back up. I wish it was as fun as it sounds, but believe me, word-wrangling is actually quite perilous at best. One may end up with paper cuts, and we all know fun those are.

But in all seriousness, I really have been up to a lot of nothing. And by nothing I mean lounging around knee deep in homework and painting and charcoal, and I just can't even tell you what color my hands are supposed to be anymore. Sometimes they are green and blue and brown and sometimes I think I'm turning into a Labrador from 101 Dalmatians. At the moment I am human toned, but who knows how long that will last?

Probably until tomorrow at about 2:30 in the afternoon when my painting class begins. It will all be downhill from there you know. First it will start off with a smidgen of this color, a dollop of that, and before you know it I'm a rainbow. Lovely. And you know what else? None of my colors will match what they're supposed to match, because I am just that good at painting, you know.

They teach you in art classes throughout the years that great artists are never understood during their life times. A lot of famous artists were "bad" at art in school too, they had teachers who told them they should just quit and take up dentistry or some such line of garbage. I think that means I must just be really great at art, since my artwork almost always looks absolutely and entirely nothing like anyone else's artwork in any of my classes.

At least that must mean I'm just awesome enough to have my own style? I think yes, definitely.

But really, as the years go by and the more art classes I have under my belt, I'm starting to realize that I really don't create art the same way these other art students do. I wish I had pictures of my classmates artwork to show you, because some of them are simply amazing. And trust me, it's not that I don't think my artwork is amazing and I'm not putting myself down, but my pieces just don't look like theirs do. And that leaves me wondering, what exactly am I doing differently?

And maybe that doesn't matter. I create what I create and it looks how it looks whether or not it looks like how I want it to, or maybe how my instructor wants it to. But at least I do it, right? That counts, right? I mean, my colors may not match, and my texture might be different, but I just put my own spin on the original. I'm an artist like that.

Really, I don't even know where to begin. I think it's just atrocious, and I kind of hate it a lot, honestly. The people are my favorite part, but if I could just scrap this whole thing I would. Remember how I told you that I'm not great at mixing and matching colors? Here is your proof.

There are some things I like about this painting, but I'm not really proud of it. I'm not too upset though, because we have several more projects in the next couple of weeks, so I think I'll have more than enough chances to redeem myself.

I mean, we'll see what happens.

I'm A Professional Now...Maybe

2011-03-30T22:56:00.000-07:00

Currently I am enrolled in what we call a Professional Practices class here at my university. When I signed up for this class, I had no idea what kinds of things we were going to do. I just was annoyed this class was only one day a week and had to be attended on a Friday, at 12:30. This is annoying because 1) hello! It's Friday! and 2) it meant if I wanted to go home on the weekend, I couldn't leave town until around 3 pm. Total downer.

Anyway, it turns out that this class is hugely beneficial to the success of my future. We've had speakers come talk to us about small business, attending grad school, life with a career in the arts, and also a past professor of architecture from our own university. They've all given us some incredibly valuable information and insight into what our potential futures may turn out to be.

In addition to listening to some awesome (and some boring) professionals, we also are working on developing our portfolios. Most of the students in this class are art majors of some sort, whether it be graphic design or fine arts, and then there are a few of us who are art education majors. The art students' portfolios are designed to get them in galleries, or to get companies to partner with a creative genius. The art ed students' portfolios are designed to land us jobs as art teachers. I don't know if you know this, but there's some stiff competition for art teachers out there. My portfolio is less than impressive at this very moment, but that's why we're in this class - to help beef up our games.

Right now I have a starter resume, a generic cover letter, my teaching philosophy, and a list of around 13 images. The images are of my own work, to showcase what I can do as an artist. But as I spend more time teaching, especially after I've completed my student teaching, I should have images of work that students have created under my instruction.

I don't have a lot of photos of student work from this semester's Art 100 lab section that I'm TAing, but I'm starting to compile a few. Today we wrapped up our Altered Book project (which is possibly my favorite one) and my students always impress me.

Prince told me I sounded old when I call them my students. I feel old when I talk about my students. However, they always impress me with their ideas and the products that they can turn out in a couple hours, or a couple class sessions depending on what we're doing.

This project we just finished involved the students choosing a used book and turning that book into something else, a work of art. I love this idea because the possibilities are really almost endless. There is a project that I don't have a picture of yet, but it's a phone book all torn apart and hung upside down. It's really quite fascinating, and I would have personally never thought to do something like that.

This project is such an optical illusion. The black and white rings are actually the reverse of each other. The left side digs into the book, while the right side sticks out. The high contrast makes them look flat though, which is really interesting and neat to look at.

I think this one is one of my favorites though. It's a book monster - with pink teeth. Seriously, is that not adorable? And I love the eyes, too funny!

This student drew inspiration from the actual book itself - being about things of western nature. The sunglasses on the clay cactus are hilarious. And the tiles on the house are made from folded pages of the book, while the house is constructed from the cover. It's painted with tempera and acrylic paints.

So, thanks to the information I'm gaining from my Professional Practices class, I think these projects are totally going in my future portfolio.

I Had Some Milk

2011-03-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in the van with five other people on our way to the airport in Phoenix. It was sunny outside, and not to mention deliciously warm. We were talking about this and that and just about everything in between when, as is hardly ever to be avoided, the conversation drifted towards the traffic, police cars, and eventually we ended up trading ticket stories.

My great uncle told a story about his mother, who was speeding, and talked her way out of a ticket. I don't believe I'd ever heard as many stories about my great-grandmother as I had during our stay in Arizona, and this one just added to the hilarity of the previous stories making me wish once again that I had known her better.

My mother has been pulled over, but being the wonderful soul that she is, has never received a ticket. She's nearing 50 people (but don't spread that around, she likes to believe she's still young), and she's never been the recipient of a speeding ticket. If only I could have been so lucky.

Since everyone else was sharing their various escapades, I thought it only fair that I contributed to the conversation instead of just soaking in all of my relatives words. I'd done a lot of listening this weekend, and it was finally time that I could share.

You see, I've been pulled over two times in my life. Both times Prince Charming was with me, and only one time did I land a citation. But, the first time I was pulled over was the funniest, although at the time my heart was pounding and laughter was the furthest thought from my mind.

It was late at night, dark, and clear skied. The moon was brilliantly shining, and also very big. I was driving Princey back home for the night, and we were headed down an extremely familiar and very empty road. We were both deeply contemplating the moon instead of focusing on driving, and before I'd traveled very far I glanced in my rear view mirror to see a riot of red and blue flashing lights.

My hands started to shake, my breathing was irregular, I quickly racked my brain for what I could have done wrong as I pulled my mother's Yukon XL to the side of the road. Had I been speeding? I didn't think so. Was a tail light burnt out? Who knew!

The cop came up to the car as I rolled down my window and stared at her, shocked and frightened. She reeled back a little, as if I was not the person she had been expecting to see behind the wheel of the vehicle. At the time I had thought her reaction strange, but as the events unfolded I realized why she did that.

"Ma'am, have you had anything to drink tonight?" She asked, in a tone typical of traffic cops.

I looked at Prince Charming to see if he would offer help as I thought about her question. I didn't know what she meant, or why she would want to know what I had had to drink. I thought quickly about all that I had consumed prior to our departure from my house.

"I...I had some milk," I answered honestly, unsure if that was the correct response.

Her face relaxed, and she asked for my license and registration and then told me why she had pulled me over. Apparently while moon gazing, I had drifted over the center line of the road. I guess this is typical of drunk drivers, but having never been one or been around one I didn't know this. Which was also why I was totally perplexed by her opening question.

She gave me a warning and told me to have a good night and pay better attention to the road. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief as Prince replaced the registration and insurance back into their respective locations and the rest of our drive was uneventful.

My story got a good laugh and we traded more memories in the warmth of the sunshine on our beautiful last remaining hours surrounded by family.

The Blues

2011-03-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

It's raining today - a sure sign of spring. I need an umbrella and some rain boots. And also shorter pants. I'm ready for warmer weather. And I'm ready for it to stop raining.

I'm ready for a lot of things, too. Like the semester being over, the weekend, and blooming flowers. Shorts, flip flops and painted toenails.

Hard to believe it's only Tuesday. I feel like sometimes time drags on and on forever and other times all I do is snap my fingers and hour is gone. And then sometimes it turns into two hours, three hours, etc. The weekends go by quickly and the weekdays last forever it seems.

I think that's partly because I'm so ready to be out of class, and partly because the Spring semester always goes by slower than the Fall.

I want some sunshine though. Just enough to make my heart happy. And to help the flowers grow.

A Year Later

2011-03-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

A year ago this happened. The world would never be the same again.

Half A Century

2011-03-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

I spent most of my spring break in Arizona visiting my mom's side of the family for the joyous celebration of my maternal grandparent's 50th Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza.

There were lots of people there I had never met before, so I hid behind the lens of a camera, documenting the momentous occasion instead of mingling with my relatives. I did a lot of mingling too, don't get me wrong, but there's only so much small talk I can take before this introvert needs some quality alone time.

It seemed like it was a go-go-go-never stop vacation that you need a vacation from right after it's over to recuperate from. It would have been nice to end the trip with a whole day of blissful nothingness, but I tell you, school just has to ruin everything. I flew back Sunday morning, and departed again Sunday afternoon so I could come back to Moscow for school today.

So my day of nothingness was spent in an airport, on a plane and in a car. I fell asleep somewhere around 10 o'clock because I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I think that's the earliest I've gone to bed in a long time, but I was totally exhausted. (A good kind of exhausted!)

Besides the fact there were many people in attendance whom I had never seen before in my life, there were quite a few family members I was happy to have the chance to hug again. I spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncles and my little cousin Princess M. We spent a whole evening making up Haiku poems because M loves to write poems and put words together - she's actually really good at it. She even memorized a poem to recite for the Anniversary Celebration.

Besides the anniversary party, I also attended my first major league baseball game (The Mariners and The Royals) (you can guess who won), but we also had a barbecue, and after the afternoon anniversary get together, we partied into the night (meaning, until about 9) with more family and more food.

The weather was beautiful, and the DP and I even commandeered some time out of our busy schedules to lounge around in the back yard in our swimsuits to soak up some sunshine. We read our books, listened to some music, played with the dog, and attempted to color our skin (we're still pasty white Idaho girls though).

And then, Saturday afternoon we prepped and primped and put on our smokin' hot dresses to wow the world. I think just about all of my relatives confused me and DP, and kept complimenting my mother on her beautiful girls.

Also, I think it literally shocked everyone when they asked me how old I was/what grade I was in. It took a few tries to get people to believe that I was a junior at a university, not a high school. That was pretty fun for me, to be honest.

Mom, DP and me. We are looking pretty snazzy!

Grandma was just beside herself with joy I think the entire time. She was just right in her element, surrounded by all her family and friends.

I'm pretty sure that everyone who came had a complete blast. I know my aunt worked really hard to pull a lot of things together, and once Mom, DP and I arrived we all worked hard setting everything up. I think it turned out beautiful, and even though I came home completely exhausted, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

Happy 50th Gramma and Grandpa!

Put The Spring In Spring Break Please

2011-03-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

Oh but wait, that spring will come when I leave tomorrow on my trip to Arizona people! Arizona! Do you know what that means??

It means 80 DEGREE WEATHER!

I could not be more excited if I tried. Really.

I have been on spring break this week, and so far I have been having a total and complete blast. Saturday I spent on the snow covered slopes of Schweitzer mountain with my dad, The Keeper and The Mechanic. We tortured each other's souls and skied our hearts out.

I converted to skiing last year, after having been a dedicated boarder in the years prior. I hated to give it up, but because of my ankle, boarding was literally just too painful for me to continue with. Because I was a gymnast, I did a lot of tumbling and flying through the air. All that constant pounding on my joints took its toll, and now my ankle bones in my joint are very loose, which means that I don't have very much control of that joint and a lot of pressure aggravates it.

Snow boarding boots also don't offer a lot of ankle support, so I had to wrap my ankle with athletic tape and pop pain killers like a crack addict. All, really, to no avail. Dad got the bright idea that skiing might be easier for me because the boots offer more support, and well, since then I have been in ski boot bliss. I don't have to tape my ankle anymore, and my pain killer ration has gone way down.

And, as an added bonus, I no longer want to cry and stab myself in the foot anymore, so, well, crisis averted.

Plus, being able to enjoy a beautiful day like it was on Saturday is worth making the shift from boarding to skiing. I had a whole afternoon of snow ball fights, down hill races (which I always lose without fail) and boys. It was an adventure, and really, who doesn't love adventures?

Then yesterday and today I went...dress shopping! Can you just believe it? I am not a dress wearer, really. Dresses don't let you do cartwheels or sit criss cross applesauce on the floor or climb trees or ride bikes and really, it just wasn't my style.

But now that I'm getting older, I'm finding that dresses really might not be so bad after all. I have yet to really start incorporating this fashion statement in with my every day wear, but I'm not afraid to go look for some cute ones anymore. And also, having lost near 15 pounds really doesn't hurt one's ego when out in the grand department stores.

Beautiful right? And I look pretty good too, huh? Haha! But really, I spotted this dress from across the room and walked right up to it and picked out my size. I had a feeling it was probably going to be the dress I bought, but then I had to grab other dresses just for funzies. Because, hello people, what fun is dress shopping if you only try on one?

And holy wow, I just looked at that picture of me, and my calves! Behold their beefiness! I just can't believe it!

Amazing.

The DP got a dress the day before, kind of a shocker that our dresses are the same cut but different fabrics. I kind of like it that way though. Because we're going to be the cutest kids on the block, next to Grandma. And Grandma's only cuter because it's her party - you know how that is. She's adorable anyway, so we really have some stiff competition as it is - I mean, where do you think we got our good looks from anyway?

Sun Flare

2011-03-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

This weeks theme is sun flare.

This is my sister.

Isn't she pretty?

Pictures! Life! Coffee Drunkenness!

2011-03-11T00:26:00.000-08:00

Here is my life lately - a story told through mostly pictures...and I guess some words are thrown around in there too.

Yes, I am one. I need this sign. Since I met Prince Charming, he's introduced me to lots of new things - Zombies being one of them - and now, well, I like them. I play Plants vs. Zombies on my phone a lot. The cartoony zombies are my favorite kind. They're kind of cute.

This is my mostly finished painting. I still really kind of hate it a lot, but that's because I just get easily frustrated with the whole trying to figure out how to use a palette knife...I still don't really get it.

Sunsets! They are beautiful - I don't care who you are. I love pictures of them. Anytime I see sunrises/sets I snap a kajillion photos just to make sure I got a good one in there somewhere.

This is a painting/inking that one of my art 100 students did. My kids are amazing, can I just tell you! I'd like to brag that I'm a really great teacher, but I think this is just a case of natural talent. Whatever, whatever. I'm still impressed with what my students can do!

Baby octopus, anyone? Yeah, I didn't think so. But can you believe we have them in Moscow??

And these are drawings that I did today. I'm really on the fence about this drawing class. I go back and forth between loving it and loathing it. But today was nice, since we just got to focus on the face. The second one is my favorite :)

Also, it's the beginning of spring break. My mind has left me. And it doesn't help that I got coffee drunk at work...I'm awake! I'm awake! I'm awake! And also very sleepy. How does that work?

Giving Saves

2011-03-09T23:58:00.000-08:00

Even though Prince Charming and I are no longer dating each other, we have decided that we would like to stay friends - and while that has been a battle for me in and of itself, I have chosen to go along with him because I like having him in my life.

He is one of the few people who lives with me at school that I can talk to about almost anything and he makes me feel better when I am upset - so even though stepping back and making a conscious effort to remain "just friends" sometimes is more difficult than I can imagine - I like that he doesn't want to just cross me out and leave me behind.

And building up a base of pure friendship can do nothing but good things for our relationship - whatever relationship we have from now on.

So, because Prince Charming is my friend, and also because what he's doing has a special place in my heart, I am going to do something I don't normally do.

Prince Charming and his friends are running in the Relay for Life - and I think you all probably know what that is, but if you don't Relay for Life is partnered with the American Cancer Society to raise money for cancer research, to help people live longer, and things of that nature. It's truly a wonderful thing for people to participate in - and so far Prince Charming is on a team with seven other people. They are all trying to raise a minimum of 100 dollars per person - so if they each get 100 dollars, that's 800 dollars that's going towards helping out people with cancer.

I don't know if you guys know this, but my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer when I was a freshmen in college. He had to have surgery, and now he's doing fine - but he still monitors what he eats, he all but gave up red meat which completely surprised me, and he's thankful to be alive and healthy.

Honestly, our involvement with cancer hasn't been as horrific as some, and for that I am very thankful. Not to mention very blessed.

I don't know a lot of details, but I know that Prince's grandfather was diagnosed with the same kind of cancer my dad had, but from what I've heard it sounds like he's in a more advanced state - but I don't really know for sure.

What I do know though, is that millions of people are affected by cancer whether they have it or know someone who does, or know someone who was taken by cancer. And what I also know is that giving towards cancer research is one of the best things we could probably do for those we love and care about.

So here's the link. Prince has got 60 dollars already, but he needs at least 40 more. And can you just imagine if he got 200? 300? Wouldn't that be fantastic?

I don't know if a cure is really realistically lurking on the horizon of "anytime soon" but I do know that all the research we can do, the better.

Announcement!

2011-03-09T17:32:00.000-08:00

Okay guys, so I think it's right proper time I tell you all that I have another blog. Don't worry, there are paper bags in the seat back in front of you for those who feel like hyper-ventilating at the thought of me leaving you all here stranded in this little corner of the internet, but fear not!

I mean, I haven't left you yet have I?

And I have to say, this blog will forever hold a special place in my heart because I come here to laugh and cry and share my victories and sob out my heartbreaks and I will never leave you here alone, my sweet little gangsta graffiti readers. You are all so very dear to me - the whole ten of you who actually read me here, haha.

But this new blog, this new place I have created and added to my little corner of the interwebz is for me to share about art. I created this blog after having a talk with my art theory/history professor. You see, I've discovered that I have a lot in common with the man and as it is, we both enjoy writing our hearts out.

So, in order to help me process the information that streams in one ear and out the other and onto my notebook paper in class, I have started this new blog as a place to write out the material we are discussing in class. A lot of the information found there may be something you disagree with, and even though my posts now aren't really offensive, they could get there.

It's an art blog - I'll have you know - and art has a way of offending certain parties that are not privy to whatever it is that this art has to say about life, society, people, things in general.

So, I beg of you to hop on over and take a look around. Follow if you're interested, ignore it if you aren't. But at least now you know it's there, formally.

Without further adieu, I give to you, for your enjoyment and entertainment and to help feed the artist deep inside your brain parts: Art Theories.

A Full Heart

2011-03-07T14:05:00.000-08:00

Do you know, there's just something about a good worship song. They're uplifting, they're inspiring, they find you right where you where you are, in whatever situation you're currently bound up in, and they say here I am! Pick me! I will hold your hand and love on you and put band-aids on your heart!

You want to dance and fall on your knees at the same time. You want to spin around the room and throw your hands up in the air and you want to cry and you want to laugh and smile and all these emotions just overwhelm you. Have you ever experienced that?

Lately I have added more worship/Christian songs to my musical magazine because they don't sing about boys liking girls, girls liking boys, girls or boys who have relationships while liking someone else, cheating, heartbreak, heartache, lovey dovey googly eyes where she does everything right and he couldn't love her more, or songs where he thinks he should have said this and should have done that in order to make her never want to leave.

I can't stand those songs anymore. There are too many memories there, too many emotions that I am unwilling to confront because it just rips open my slowly healing wound.

But turning on MercyMe, Paul Baloche, Chris Tomlin, Toby Mac, Todd Agnew, Newsboys, Phillips, Craig & Dean, The Imperials, you know, these songs are all about love of a heavenly sort, from a heavenly Father, who loves you no matter what you do, no matter what mistakes you've made. He will meet you wherever you are, He never moves. God is always constant.

He always makes sure that you are taken care of, there are always people around to help you out in the name of Jesus even if they don't even know God sent them to you - but you know. Yes you do. You just know. You prayed and prayed and talked to God and then this person appears, and you're like "Yes, Please! Thank you Jesus! You always got my back, bro!"

And he's all like "Ya Welcome, kiddo. I love you. XOXO"

Okay, maybe only in my mind he talks to me like that, but it doesn't matter because God is God and He is and was and forever will be my savior and my father and my God. No one is like him, no one can replace him and he will never forget me nor forsake me.

And to know that there is someone out there who will always be there with you no matter what is one of the most comforting things in the world.

There is this large misconception that once you love Jesus everything is peaches and cream and it's always easy all of the time, but that's not true. I have Jesus but I am in no way whatsoever perfect, nor is my life an easy road. But even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, my Jesus is there with me.

And folks, I just could not ask for more.

Palette Knifes

2011-03-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

So, I had another painting assignment. I loathed the last one, because I didn't know how to go about doing anything, and well, this time was a little bit better.

There are a couple still life settings around the room, and we were supposed to pick one to paint. I had scoped out my spot the class period before, but when I arrived the next class, another girl had taken my spot. I was disappointed and I didn't know where to go.

I looked around at the other still lifes until one spoke to me. You know it when you see it, you know? Something about whatever it is just speaks to you in such a way that you feel like you have to capture it before it slips away.

That's how I felt when I saw the apple next to a stack of books and a light bulb. And I thought to myself, it's the perfect thing for a future teacher to paint, for obvious reasons.

I was a little worried about how to go about painting this, because now we are supposed to use our palette knifes instead of paintbrushes.

We started out with brushes on the first day to lay down some color before we started applying paint with a knife.

The white part is the unpainted canvas. I haven't yet started on those pieces.

I started with a palette knife on the apple and then I attempted to do the top book, but I got frustrated with color matching and moved on to what will eventually be the Christmas ornament on top of the book. So far it's just a redish-orangish-pinkish blob that I am extremely unhappy with.

But I like the apple so far. I have more work to do as far as it's concerned, but I'll get there.

As I worked I moved down to the other two books because they were smaller, and then I started in on the gold fabric.

So far, I hate the gold fabric. I hate it. With a fiery passion that can be unmatched by my hate for any other gold fabric I've encountered in my life.

I worked on the gold fabric a lot, but the paints were still too wet and kept mixing together making colors that I didn't want where I didn't want them. It was just generally frustrating.

I decided at that point it was time for a pizza bagel from Einstein's and a blended coffee drink. I will start again on Monday.

It's Been A Long Day

2011-03-01T23:36:00.000-08:00

Being tired makes me emotional. Having a long day with the outlook of an even longer day tomorrow after being tired all day today doesn't help. And feeling sick just adds to the torture.

I don't know how I made it through today and I don't know how I will make it through tomorrow either. I have a bajillion and a half things to do and little to no attention span with which to do them. I'm irrational and dodgey at best, and tomorrow I have students to teach! Minds to mold! Values to warp! You know, all that good juicy stuff.

And what's the absolute worst about being emotional and tired is that it makes me miss having someone to immediately fall back on. Someone who I know will be there for me through thick and thin, through the good and the bad, for ever and ever amen. I miss him. Especially when I just feel like crap and all I want to do is lay around cry.

But I have to pick myself up by my bootstraps, I don't have him to rely on anymore. Sometimes I get so caught up in that thought I can't even breathe, do you know what that feels like? And then I have to will myself to think about something else because in all reality I can't bear to think of my future without him in it. Not yet. I still want him there, even after all that's happened.

(Right about there is where my dad is rolling his eyes and telling me to just move on, because hello? Girlfriend, you don't need him anymore. (My dad would totally never use the world girlfriend though, haha, not like that.) But he is right, and I feel like also he isn't.)

He's right because I do need to move on. And I'm working on it. I'm working through it. But it's hard. It's been a month since we parted, and I have kicked and thrashed and threw a temper tantrum almost every step of the way. I am unwilling to give up or give in - I always feel like not yet! It's too soon! But the longer and longer we are apart, the more I feel like I don't want to be without him.

I don't know how to not feel that way, you know?

Not only have I lost my boyfriend, but I've lost my best friend. I've said that before, but it's completely true. Who did I run to when I had a bad day? Who did I rely on for a hug and a kiss when someone was mean to me? Who held me after I got a bad grade on a test? Who encouraged me that everything was going to work out and be okay? Losing someone who was there for you that much is so difficult.

I know I only blog about this when I am upset, because when I'm fine I find other things to tell you about. But I feel like I keep relapsing every so often, breaking down and just wishing he was there to hold me, to whisper in my ear, to stroke my hair. I wish he was here to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be just fine.

Every time I feel like this, I remind myself that Jesus is here and He cares and He knows what the future holds. He is in control and I'm not, even though sometimes I very much wish I could be. I feel like a monkey with my hand grasped firmly on the shiny thing in the cage, and I can't let go. I won't let go. I don't want to let go.

I need to let go.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him, you know. I don't know if that scares him. I don't know if maybe that's part of what caused him to freak out. But I didn't start out feeling that way. He introduced that thought into my head when we first started dating. But once I got there, I still don't know how forget about that. About those promises we made to each other.

I realize that yes, people change, and yes, time marches on, and no, nothing will ever stay the same, but for the love of Pete, could our promises please mean something? My heart aches and my head aches and my stomach aches.

I don't want this to be over. I don't want this to be through. I want him. Someday. Soon. I need him. Or at least right now, I feel like I do.

I {Heart} Faces - Anything But A Face

2011-02-28T12:25:00.000-08:00

I miss the beach.

I miss summertime.

I miss the boys in this picture.

(They make life fun.)

Check It Out

2011-02-27T15:05:00.000-08:00

Enjoy the new blog layout.

It's totally my favorite thing about today.

And then, if you want, you should totally check this out.

Growing Up

2011-02-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

Why do we love people so much?

How can it be that the feeling of someone's arms around you sends your heart racing?

A kiss lurches your stomach in a really interesting and good way.

And how come it takes so long to move on from that person?

Why do you have to move on at all?

You planned your future with this person, but then things change, and they change and you find yourself in a situation where you have to say good bye.

Why does that hurt so incredibly much?

How can you be so mad at someone, and still want to be with them?

Except really there's nothing you can do to change their mind once it's made up, and you just have to let them go.

You're scared to let go too quick, because what if they come back to you? And someone else comes along, but you just can't do it yet. You're not ready.

He touches you, and all you want is for him to let go, because it's just weird and uncomfortable. All you want is that other person back.

I'm not holding my breath waiting. I'm holding up fine, do you believe me?

Most days I'm happy and busy and I can laugh, you know. I'm not afraid to have fun without him. I have my own life now. And he has his.

We have fun together, even now, even though we are "just friends."

But I still love his hugs. I still love his smile.

Except, you know, it's a brand new day today. And I'm going to be okay.

I have lots more good days than I do bad ones, but I feel like I'm still allowed to have bad days. I'm still allowed to miss him more than words can say. I still cry sometimes, you know? I still get upset when I think what was and what we had planned, and how we were.

I think he got too stressed out. About everything. And even though I tried, I don't think I helped him relax at all.

Not dating is something that is good for us, and I hate to admit it, but it's probably one of the best decisions I made.

I hurt and I ache and I feel. But I feel human, do you even know what that's like? I don't feel like I have to be anything for him anymore. I don't feel like I have to keep stuff in check just so that I don't piss him off anymore. I'm free to be myself, and I love being myself!

I do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to report to him. I go places and do things and buy stuff. I go out to eat. With my friends. With my friends!!

I had to fall down to build myself back up. You have to be broken before you can be fixed. And I am so broken.

Do you ever notice how after you cry, you feel a lot better? Especially if you're crying while you're writing, and then once you write through everything, it's like this weight just gets lifted off of you?

I have to write through my feelings, I have to put them out there, wear my heart on my sleeve or I am never going to feel better. I will never get over this.

I have to tell you that I don't want to move on! I don't want to date someone else for a very long time. I wanted to marry Prince Charming someday, I really did. And for a while, he wanted that too. And now, now I don't know what he wants. I don't need to know what he wants.

I don't want him to date anyone but me. I want to be his only girl for a long time. It would kill me if he started to see someone else. Partly that is because he has more of me than any other person, he knows me better than anyone else. The thought of finding someone else to do that scares me.

He was jerk the last couple of weeks we were together. And he was a jerk this summer too. Things got better the last part of the first semester, and things were great through Christmas break, but he did not treat me like he loved me when we started school back up in January.

But he's changed since we broke up. He's not a jerk anymore. He's back to being that guy that I liked so much, but we can't be together anymore. Because he is that guy, and he also isn't. I'm that girl, and also I'm not.

We met at ages 18 and 19, and now we are 20 and 21. We changed a lot, and we still have changing to do. And even though I miss him and I miss everything we once had, I'm learning to live my life without him.

I still talk to him, a lot. Probably more than I should, but he does have this way of making me feel better.

He told me not to wait for him. He told me he might not come back. It hurts to hear that from him. I want to hear that he loves me and just needs time to be himself, but actually hearing that is going to help me move forward.

Heartbreak is never easy. Separation is always difficult.

But at the end of the day, I know I'm going to be alright. I have lots of people who do love me and care about me and will always be there for me no matter what. And even though I wish with all my heart that he could be one of those people too, only time will tell.

On The Rise

2011-02-19T16:17:00.000-08:00

Do you know what I have been doing lately? Because I have been busy. Busy buying things, making things, rearranging things... it's crazy, really. I woke up this morning around 9 o'clock, decided that was too early and that my time would be better spent dreaming.

Unfortunately, I had a not so happy dream about this boy and me, and we were falling in love and then all of a sudden this girl shows up out of nowhere and unknowingly steals this one boy's affection. It was terrible. But then I made friends with the girl and we got over it and left the boy behind. It was one of my weirder dreams.

And then I woke up again at 11:30. I figured I should start some laundry, and while I was doing that I rearranged some more of my room and I made some kick butt guacamole.

You see, I was inspired the other day. And when I get inspired, no one knows what will happen. But I have to tell you, I pulled out a bunch of stuff out from under my bed, moved it all around, consolidated, threw a lot of unnecessary rubbish in the trash can, and felt a lot better about myself.

Then I moved to my closet, and pulled a lot of junk out of there, too. And then I move a bunch of stuff around to make room for other stuff so that my poor little corner of the world wouldn't be so cluttered. I put a lot of my painting stuff in my closet so that it wasn't taking up valuable floor space.

I wiped stuff off, I cleaned stuff up, and then I looked at my walls. And then I thought to myself, why stop with drawers and closets? So I rearranged the wall too.

And here's what it looks like now. And yes, that's all my artwork. I have so many prints from last semester it's insane. This isn't even a quarter of them.

And then I vacuumed.

So anyway, after I did laundry today I rearranged some drawers some more because I am a crazy freak and moved a few clothes into my suitcase so that I had more drawer space for the clothes I actually wear. And then I took out the trash cans and I went to the gym and I ate some of my guacamole.

I am feeling a lot better lately. I feel more like myself. Like my old self. I'm weird and crazy and little bit rebellious. If you tell me not to do something, depending on what it is I might just do it anyway. I'm sassy and a smart alec. I'm happy. I'm confident.

I re-read some of my posts from when Prince and I first broke up, and I remember that feeling of intense heartbreak that you can't even put in to words, and then I realized I don't feel that way anymore. Prince and I are bad at being broken up, because we still talk but just not all the time. But even though I still miss him, I feel like I can do this, you know?

It's still a little weird to see him though, because I was in Denny's last night and he showed up as I was leaving and my heart started racing in my chest. I briefly debated sticking around, and decided that I should just go back to my room.

I honestly don't know what the future holds for me and Prince. I don't know if we will eventually get back together or if we will stay apart forever, but I think no matter what happens, as long as I'm just myself I'll be okay.

So now, to end on a happy note, remember how I hate painting? Well, here's the final product:

Coffeecide

2011-02-17T13:02:00.000-08:00

Today I rolled out of bed at the lofty hour of 9 o'clock in the morning. It was great. But it was so great that I wished I could sleep longer, except for the fact that I only had twenty minutes to get ready. I really should quit pressing the snooze button elebentybillion times...

And then, I went to the closet and decided which of my new pairs of jeans I should wear today. I have three new pairs. Size 27 which is equivalent to a 5 in Junior sizes. I haven't been this skinny since high school. I pulled out a pair a dark washed jeans and one of my new spiffy white camisole tank tops that I got for free with my denim purchase and then I got dressed.

I headed out the door after appropriate brushing of the teeths and piling on of the jackets because hello? There is totally snow on the ground right now. Winter decided to make an epic come back - much to the dismay of my cute shoes and thin sweatshirts. But it's okay.

In class, I played teacher today. We led a craft, making Renaissance Masks in my Elementary Art Methods class. It was a blast, by the way. We tore through scrapbook paper, got handy with the glue and glitter, introduced ourselves lovingly to the massive amounts of brightly colored feathers...

And then it was time for a brief break, and being the awesome friend slash barista that I am, I offered to run and get coffee drinks for my other two co-pretend teachers today. I didn't have a lot of time, so I just ran real quick over to the Admin building where Nick let me behind the counter and him, Texas and I all danced around each other trying not to get our respective elbows in each other's faces all while managing to pull shots and steam high quantities of moo-juice.

Just when I was ready to head back to class and deliver the caffeinated concoctions things got rough. I decided it would be a really great idea to try and open the door while I was carrying three drinks - two of which were stacked atop each other.

The blackberry mocha, oh! It was horrible. Quite a tragic story really, and with a baby at home too! It just up and decided to suicide all.over.the.floor. And my shirt. And my pants. And my arm!

I just wanted to cry. I didn't have time to clean it up or make myself another drink before I was supposed to be back in the classroom to be fake-teacher again. Nick told me to just go and he would clean it up, so I left. I was so mad at myself! And I really looked cute today too, I did.

I came back to class and handed my pretend teacher friends their drinks, while I found my sweatshirt to wear over the coffee stain that now inhabited the area of fabric currently covering my right boob.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why today smells like blackberry mocha everywhere I go.

After class I went back for a raspberry tea. Much safer.

Life: A Poem

2011-02-15T22:39:00.000-08:00

Can we go somewhere
And get away
From everything
Stare at the stars
Cry to the moon
And just talk
About nothing
About everything
The past
The future
The moment
Life.

Can we leave
Together
And let everything fade away
To the distance
And quit worrying
About everybody else
For now
For forever
The past
The future
The moment
Life.

Can I take your hand in mine
And pull you away
From everything that makes you crazy
And just let you be
A person
For once
For now
For forever
The past
The future
The moment
Life.

Let's get in the car
And take a drive
With the windows down
And the music up
And be young
And in love
For one night
For now
For forever
The past
The future
The moment
Life.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

Entirely appropriate?

I think so!

25 Dollars Isn't Worth Coming Home To Nothing

2011-02-13T23:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight is one of those nights where I just want to lay in a heap and cry for a little bit, and then when I'm done crying I'd just like someone to hold me and rub my feet while I whimper pathetically.

You see, today I worked a seven hour closing shift by myself.

BY MYSELF!!

It was so lonely, and busy, and my feet ache to depths of all that my feet know how to ache to. And when my feet feel like this, I am so used to coming home to Prince Charming and having him rub them for me even though he hates it, but he loved me enough to do it even before I had a chance to shower. He was so nice.

And now, now I have to go home to nothing. No one who will hold me and love me and just let me cry to them about how much I didn't like working seven hours by myself even though I made 25 dollars in tips tonight because I didn't have to share. But seriously, 25 dollars doesn't really make up for the achey feet and the loneliness and the part where no body holds me.

I'd rather have someone to love me than 25 dollars.

And here is where I want to whine and mope and cry about how I have no Prince Charming to come to my rescue anymore. I never wanted to be one of those girls that saved themselves, I mean, I'll do it if I have to, but I never want to. You know?

I always wanted to be Cinderella or Snow White and have some dashing Prince come and save me and just love on me forever and ever amen. I don't see myself facing life alone and doing every myself. It's nice to have company, it's nice to have someone who will always have your back, someone who will be there for you through thick and thin.

And I had that.

And now I don't.

This is the part where you say "But Natalie, you have to throw yourself into Jesus because He is always there for you!"

And this is the part where I tell you "I know!"

But even though I have to let God work through this in my life, someone explain that to my feet.

Wrong Baby, Wrong Baby, Wrong

2011-02-12T19:38:00.000-08:00

To be completely honest, I really don't know what to write about. I haven't really done much worth mentioning.

I got my hair cut a little over a week ago.

And then the next night I went out to dinner with some girl friends.

And today, I've been hanging out in my room watching MTV reality shows online to pass the time.

I've been eating macaroni and cheese. And I want some guacamole.

I'm down to 145 lbs, which I haven't been since senior year of high school.

I found new music, and made a new playlist for my iPod. I went through the music that I didn't associate with Prince Charming, and I forgot how much good stuff I had!

I started working out with a relatively new friend, and I love, love, love it.

I'm still figuring out how to move on. I still have days where I'm miserable, but I have good days too. I guess it's all part of the process.

I miss a lot of things with Prince Charming. And I keep telling myself that this time apart from him is good for me. For him. For us. But that doesn't really make me like it anymore. I know that this is just a storm in my life, and I have to let God work.

I keep praying that God will help change my mentality towards this situation, to allow for Him to use it to help me grow, and I also pray that He is working in Prince's life. I don't know if we'll be apart from each other forever, but I know that as of right now that's something that I don't want.

I don't want to jump right back into a relationship with Prince, but at the same time I find that it's really difficult to move on. My dad doesn't want me to wallow. He was ready to come down and have a heart to heart the week after when I was still feeling crummy.

I'm not going to be over it in a week.

I really don't think I'll honestly ever be completely over it.

But someday I might feel better about it.

I just don't know. I mean, this is one of the toughest things I've gone through in life, and it used to be that when I went through tough times I had my parents around me, and then when I didn't have them anymore I had Prince. And right, I have neither. Well, I have my parents, but I don't have someone to hold me when I get upset. I have to learn to be a big girl and stand on my own two feet and help myself and rely on Jesus more than anything.

It's a period of growth for me.

But I don't think that means that maybe someday in the future Prince won't be the right guy for me. Both times we have been separated, I have been miserable. I never feel like I'm better off without him. I know Prince has said things and done things that he shouldn't have, and I know we both have a lot of growing up to do, but I think maybe someday we can make it work.

At least, I hope maybe someday we can make it work.

But as of right now I have to put it in God's hands, and I have to trust Him because He knows what's best for me. Even though right now I can't see it, and I certainly don't feel like there is anyone out there that can ever take the place of Prince, I have to figure out how to learn to relax. I have to learn to take it one day at a time. My feelings right now might not be my feelings in a month, but only time will tell.

I actually listened to the words of this song for the first time today, and I really appreciated the message, even though I don't think Prince is long gone...

Let's Talk About Painting

2011-02-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

Because I hate painting. Like, I hate it a lot. A lot, a lot. It's a three hour class of mostly torture, for a couple different reasons. But, today, I actually didn't hate it as much as I was sure I was going to. You can gasp now. It's okay. I did too.

Usually when I get to painting class, I fumble around, haphazardly mixing paints, not really knowing what to do with myself. I get up and leave after I reach certain mini goals and I'll reward myself with a bagel for making it to 4 o'clock. (Class starts at 2:30 btw.)

However, today was a little different. But first, some back story!

This first image is what I started with at the beginning of today's class. It's pretty horrendous, and it started out even worse when I began this painting on Monday. I know that red and blue make purple, and red and yellow make orange, and yada yada that you learn in kindergarten when you play with tempera and watercolor painting lovely versions of your house, your mom, and flowers (at least if you were a girl when you were in kindergarten).

But as you can see, mixing paints to get exactly the right color that matches the real life color isn't my strong suit. I have all sorts of colors that don't belong, and ones that aren't the right shades in the right places, and wow, it's just a mess.

It doesn't look like fabric, and the shading is driving me bonkers. If this were charcoal I would be ahead of the game, but as it is painting class, I'm just frustrated with the whole thing. But then Dan gave me a lesson in how to mix and match colors and set me on my way the tail end of Monday's class, so I came to class today prepared to do some work.

I figured I would probably work for a little bit, and then mosey around like I usually do, but today I pulled out all the stops and only left when I needed to change over my water or rinse out my brush, or both. And using my new found knowledge supplied by Dan, I got a bigger paint brush and went to town.

For like, two and a half hours nonstop.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't think you understand what a great accomplishment that is for me. You see, Prince is in the classroom right next door, and not only am I spending three hours in a room learning to do something I hate, but I'm constantly bombarded with thoughts of him. HOWever, yesterday I listened to a podcast from my home church that helped me see things differently and today I really didn't have that hard of a time being in the next room. Plus, unlike Monday I didn't actually see Prince today, so that helped too.

But anyway, I put the pedal to the medal and here's what I ended up leaving class with:

I'm still not done yet, but we have a couple more class periods to work on it. And I might need to go in on a weekend and work by myself to get it done in time for our critique, but overall I'm really happy with how it's turning out.

Instead of looking like random paint lines and dark spots, it's actually starting to look like fabric. In fact, I think it kind of looks like Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

2011-02-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

Today was difficult. So was yesterday. This weekend was fine. I was busy, I was hanging out with friends, I got all dressed up for a night on the town with the girls. All that stuff kept my mind going.

I feel like during the school week is when it's most difficult. I just want to talk to him and be next to him. I want to know if he misses me, but truthfully no one knows and I'm scared to ask him. My worst fear is that he'll start dating someone else.

I know a few of you just rolled your eyes and mentally willed me to put on my big girl panties and quit caring, but regardless of what you think a couple weeks is not enough time for me to quit caring about someone that I really never thought I would ever be apart from.

My heart just hurts. Some days more than others, and while I am trying to focus on not making him the center of my life anymore sometimes that means I have to chant to myself that I don't need him over and over again on my way to class. And then it just gets thrown into the bucket when I see a mutual friend. A flood tide of emotions just overwhelms me.

I wish I could just take a week off. No school, no work, nothing, and just leave this place. Or if I could sit down and talk to Prince face to face and get everything out of my system. But I just can't do either of those things. Prince doesn't want to see me for a month. Fine. I will try to respect his wishes. But let the record show that I am a happier person when we are together.

And what I really honestly need to just figure out is how to be happy without him. Because I don't know yet how to do that. When I'm busy and with friends my mind doesn't dwell on him. But the second I'm back in my dorm room, well, all bets are off.

At this point, instead of talking to Prince Charming when I miss him I've converted a notebook and just write him letters there. I haven't decided if it's helping me or hurting me yet. I think helping, because then I don't talk to him and I have a place where I can just write how I feel without be judged or worrying about spelling or grammar or tear stains.

But, as much as I wish I could go back in the past and undo what was done, I have to find some way to move on and move past this. I just can't honestly imagine feeling the same way about someone else as I do for Prince. Whether he realizes it or not, I really do still love him and I wish with all my heart that he still loved me too.

Taking Back My Life

2011-02-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

Today I cleaned my room. I haven't done much of anything for a little over a week besides moping around forlornly and weeping before bed. I have been miserable. Yesterday was a little better on the misery scale, but then I was talking to my cousin, and after not crying all day I sobbed a little bit while I was washing dishes at work.

But she helped me see some things. She talked to me about her past breakups and told me how she had felt which matched exactly perfectly to how I am feeling. Even though I cried, after our conversation I felt a lot better.

And then I posted on facebook about how I briefly considered switching schools, and Missile's boyfriend talked to me for probably an hour about it. He has been talking with Prince too, and while we didn't dwell on Prince, some of the things that he told me made me feel a lot better about this whole situation.

I'm focused too much on Prince Charming. Entirely too much. I would just sit and worry that he's moved on. That he's forgotten. I was letting that drag me down, unable to forget about him in everything that I do. I've been with him so long, he's really all I know. It's hard to picture my life without him, but right now what I need to be doing is focusing on myself.

My cousin suggested that I go out and do something for me. I think one of my aunts suggested that too. So today I went and got my hair cut. It's shorter than I usually go, but it was good. It was a good feeling. Like starting over. It was like removing that extra hair also helped me remove that person who I was when I was with Prince so that now I can figure out who I am.

I was just repeatedly beating myself up for what happened. I didn't want it to happen, and I kept wishing that I could change it. I still kind of wish that I could, but I know that I can't. I don't have to forget about Prince Charming, I don't have to leave him in the dust, but I do need to quit making him the center of everything because he isn't anymore. I am. I am the center because it's my life.

I googled churches in Moscow, and I think I found one that I am going to on Sunday. It's an Assemblies of God church, and they not only meet on Sunday mornings, but there is a college youth group that meets on campus every Wednesday. I want to go and see if there are any small groups to get plugged into, because I think that would help tremendously.

And tonight, I am getting dressed up and going out with the girls. That should help take my mind off of things too, so that I can allow myself to move forward with my life. I don't regret spending this last week in agony though, because I think I needed it. I think I just needed to take some time and grieve for all of the things I lost when I walked out of the door, for all of the things that I wished I had when I was in the relationship and never got, and for all of the good things that I did have with Prince.

But now, now it is definitely time to pick up the pieces and step forward. I don't think everyday is going to be happy, happy, happy, but I've got to start somewhere, and I pick today.

Wednesdays Are Too Hard To Comprehend

2011-02-02T16:32:00.000-08:00

I hid Prince Charming from my facebook updates. I moved some pictures into a different folder and hid it. I don't know how to move on. I don't even know if I want to move on. I don't want Prince to move on. My problem is that I want to move backwards instead of forwards.

Memories just come flooding back from when it was fun. When we were so happy. You know, I always thought that I would marry him. I thought that, legitimately, we would always be together. Our relationship started out so strong, and so great. My mind keeps wandering back to that place. I've been wearing the sweatshirt he gave two Christmases ago all day today because I had a "surprise" art history test, my least favorite field trip day teaching, and TOM came to visit and I just, I wished for the billionth time that I could just go crawl into Prince's arms and pretend that everything was really okay.

And then I saw him while I was walking back to my dorm room, and then he texted me because he's a rule breaker. And then I just wanted to die.

Okay, that's a little over dramatic, but seriously I don't want to be here. I want to run away or something where I don't have everyday reminders of what's going on. He deleted pictures off of facebook. He's doing what he has to to move on. And that hurts, because I feel like he is erasing me from his life.

I don't want to be erased. Or forgotten.

I don't want to forget about all the plans we made for the future. All the animals we talked about having. The life we wanted to live, together.

You know, I can't even play Plants vs. Zombies on my iPhone anymore, because that's what I used to play when I would go hang out with Prince Charming while he was playing video games on the PS3.

I can't believe it's so over. I can't believe that I actually have to figure out how to move on. There's nobody else I want to date. There's no body else. At all. And I don't want there to be anyone else for him. Maybe that's selfish, but that's totally how I feel right now. I feel like we are just throwing away everything that we had by moving on, and I can't throw it away. I can't do it yet.

I don't know when I will be ready to do that, but right now it's just too soon. I mean, I cry when I see him. When I think about him. When I wake up after dreaming about him. I need to get out of here. Get out of this place. Go away. Would that help?

I have no motivation to go to school. I just do it because I have to. I have no motivation to go work. I just go because I can't afford to be broke. The only reason I go hang out with friends is so that I'm not crying alone in my room because I know that's bad for me even though it's all I really want to do right now.

How do you make these memories go away? Prince did a lot of things in our relationship that he shouldn't have, but I'm still so hung up on him that moving on is practically impossible right now.

I haven't cleaned my room in a week.

I only shower when absolutely necessary.

I don't eat very much, only when my stomach absolutely demands it.

I wake up with stomach aches. And I cry myself to sleep.

All because I refuse to let go and move on. I don't know how much longer I will allow myself to be miserable, but at this point, I feel like being happy is cheating because I still miss him in everything that I do.

Tonight I am going out with a friend to the photography club here on campus. I don't really know what to expect, other than it will be fun. Maybe I will meet new people. Maybe I will have a good time. And then I will hang out with the King of Fools herself after photography club is over.

Today has been super difficult. I wish February was over already. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

One Week

2011-02-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday I woke up after having some very bad dreams about Prince Charming, and then I read a text from him telling me good morning and wishing me luck on my first day of teaching.

This morning I woke up after some very good dreams about Prince Charming to no good morning text from anyone, and my stomach is in knots.

It's been one week since I told Princey goodbye. And yesterday and today I woke up with the worst stomach aches wishing that he would just hold me and play with my hair and make it all better. But that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon.

I can't help but ache for his presence. I want him to be around. I want him here, with me. I don't know what he wants, I don't know if he misses me. I don't know if he aches for me. But I wish he did.

Today I am nervous to teach. We are going on a field trip, and I don't really want to keep track of thirty plus students. I feel like today is going to be exhausting. I really wish today that I had someone to come home to who would love on me and tell me everything is okay.

I've been thinking a lot about Prince Charming, it's like I can't NOT think about him. Everything reminds me of him. And then I wonder if the same things go through his mind?

Also, I think you guys are probably tired of all of my posts just being about my break up, but writing is therapeutic for me. It's how I process. And this month is going to be difficult and filled with all sorts of posts I think. I think there will be sad ones and angry ones and there will probably be a lot of those before I can write happy ones. I don't know what this month is going to hold for me, but right now all I feel is heartache and sadness that I no longer share my life with someone who is so important to me.

And I want to thank everybody who has given me advice, or been there to listen to me cry, or sent loving words or encouragement. You all have helped tremendously and I really appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you all.

Dreamy

2011-02-01T20:19:00.000-08:00

Lets talk about dreams. Because I have had a dream about Prince Charming ever since we broke up. I don't usually dream about him. While we were still dating, sometimes he would be in my dreams, sometimes he wouldn't. Rarely I would have a dream that was about him, but they did happen.

But people! Every night!

I close my eyes and drift away and there he is. Being perfect and lovely and wonderful. And then, I wake up and this cold reality hits me like a smack to the face.

Let's back up a second.

I believe that dreams can be a powerful tool. I think that dreams can tell you things, that there can be a real merit to something that you dream about. That's not to say that I think each and ever dream is something that is very special and unique and prophetic, because I don't think that all dreams are.

But, have you ever had a dream that came true?

When I was in middle school my family decided to buy the house we were currently renting. However, our landlord decided that he didn't want to sell to us and so began our adventure of finding a new home.

One night I had a dream about what our new house would be like. In my dream our house was blue, a light kind of sky blue, with white trim. It had a white front door, and white garage door, and balcony in the back. I dreamed about a big, flat yard with a tree in the corner of the backyard and a tree in the corner of the front yard.

And then I dreamed that mom stood in the backyard, looking towards the house with her hands on her hips. She was talking to my dad and she said "I just don't know" in reference to whether or not they were going to buy the house.

I told my dad about the dream I had, and he told me that they had looked at a house that fit the description of the one in my dream.

We ended up moving there. And my mom actually really did stand in the backyard with her hands on her hips and said "I just don't know."

So then, I wonder, will my other dreams come true? What of these dreams about Prince Charming I have? Do they mean anything? Or am I just wishing?

I wish I knew the answer. I wish sometimes that I could just stay in my dream and not wake up. I wish that a lot, actually.

I Hate February

2011-02-01T14:16:00.000-08:00

Have I ever told you how much I hate Valentine's Day? Prince and I never did anything big for it, and I really think it's kind of a pointless holiday.

And now, this month, I have no valentine.

Prince and I have decided that we need a month with no communication. No talking, no seeing each other. I believe with all my heart that we need to do this. We need to have our own lives apart from each other because while we were together everything was so wrapped up in everything else that we were no longer our own selves.

But as much as I believe that being apart will make us stronger people, it does not make me happy that this particular month of no contact has to fall right around Valentine's Day while everyone else is starry eyed and lovey dovey.

It hurts to look at all the red heart shaped balloons. All the candy and the cards. All the flowers. I've never received flowers. For anything. From anybody. I hoped this year maybe Prince would pull the stops and do something fun, but since what happened, that's not really an option.

It's been almost a week since we broke it off, and while Prince is outwardly alright, I feel like I'm struggling to do the same. It's up to me to just decide that I want to be over it - but I don't want to be at the same time that I do. I miss him a lot.

We talked yesterday for the last time until March 1st. He told me basically the same thing that everyone else has been saying. "It will be okay" "You're going to be fine" "It just takes time" "Go do stuff that you love!"

And everyone is right, you know. I will be okay. It is going to be fine. I just need time. But the whole doing stuff that I love to do is a hard one. Because what I love to do is be his girlfriend. I love that feeling of taking care of someone and having them take care of you. And when I go out and do fun things, I just wish that I could share all that fun with him and it makes me sad that he's not there.

Taking a month apart will be good in ways that I don't even know yet. But it will allow me to plan my life around things other than Prince Charming. It will allow me to make my own decisions and live my own life and see what God has planned for ME and just me and nobody else. And it is my sincerest wish that Prince Charming takes this month to do exactly the same thing - make his own decisions and live his own life and see what God has planned for HIM.

But as for Valentine's Day, I still don't want to see red heart shaped memorabilia in every store I walk into. Maybe that means I should just quit shopping.

Surprise Trip Home

2011-01-29T23:23:00.000-08:00

I made a quick trip home today. You see, I was up late last night because even though my eyeballs were tired, my brain most certainly was not. My mind was going a million miles an hour, so to quiet it down I watched Teen Mom season 2 online episode after episode after episode until my laptop turned itself off because it over heated. I whimpered a little bit, and then decided it was probably God telling me I should just go to bed.

And then I woke up at 9:30. I was the only one awake, and consequently decided to indulge myself in more Teen Mom while I waited for other people's eyes to open and greet the day. It was 12:30 before anyone texted me, and then I was having a conversation with Prince Charming which was just making me all sorts of upset and sad so I texted my mom.

"I want to come home :("

And she said "Then do it! ;)"

So I did.

I had to get out of Moscow. Everything there just reminds me of him. And based on some things that he's said to me these past couple of feeling-exploration-adventure days where you admit in all honesty how you are feeling to try and work through some of these crazy emotions, I was just missing him too terribly much to bear to go through a day where I shouldn't see him. Where I couldn't see him.

It would just be easier if I could continue my schooling here at home, but none of my classes are online and therefore I must physically be present on campus to get stuff done for school. Major bummer at the moment.

But teary eyed and heaving sighs, I packed up my duffel bag and walked to my car. Whether or not it was the right move, Prince came out and hugged me good bye and told me to drive safe, and also to let him know when I was home so that he would know I was alive.

And then I left.

The drive from school to home is roughly two hours. I cranked up my Imperials music and cried for the first half of the drive. Big heaving sobs. I just had to let it all out, and being alone in my car without anyone else to feel obligated to hug me or give words of encouragement was actually something that I desperately needed.

After I finished crying my eyeballs out, I sang along with some of the songs and thought a lot about how this whole ordeal is really making me feel. It occurred to me that I didn't want to let Prince Charming go, and that last time I had these same feelings.

Which leads me to believe that maybe we aren't meant to be a part? But then I was also thinking, that it's not even been a whole week yet. I need to seriously give it time before I go jumping to conclusions. And also, I hadn't even slowed down enough to try and listen to what God might be telling me.

So I prayed some. But I did most of the talking and not enough listening. It's like I kind of forgot how to listen. So I tried to quiet my brain and just see if I could hear God saying anything. I honestly can't tell you what I heard. I don't know if I was even listening that well. Or if God even spoke. I imagined things I wished He would tell me, but I don't know if I made those up or if it was really Him.

But I am sure of one thing, time will tell. You can always look back and see God's hand in your life even if you don't see what He's doing right now.

I got into town safe and sound, texted Prince Charming and my friend (let's call her Missile) to let them know, and headed directly home whereupon I received a giant Mom-hug. Mom-hugs are some of the best hugs a girl can get. Dad-hugs are just as good, to be sure.

And since I've been home I haven't really cried once. Although I thought about Prince a lot while we were watching 27 Dresses. I suppose it will be a while before I can watch a chick-flick rom-com without thinking of my cuddly past.

I'll head back to Moscow sometime tomorrow, but I wish I could stay here for at least week. Too bad nasty school gets in the way of those plans...

You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone

2011-01-28T21:51:00.000-08:00

It's been two days since I called it quits with my used-to-be-charming Prince. We're still working through our issues. Talking it out over instant message and text. It's a process - and that's what sucks.

But I only cried today when I actually saw him. And it wasn't until he held me in his arms that I let a few tears fall. I am going to miss him terribly. My heart hurts. It's such a weird feeling to have all of this history built up with someone and then for it to just be gone... I don't know how to handle it. So I try not to think about it. But inevitably something will remind me of the relationship, and I'm back to feeling down again.

I was doing fine before I had to see him. I put on a brave faced and marched out to our expected meeting place for the exchange of our various items. I had some of his ps3 games, and he had my Little Big Plant 2 book ends. We handed each other our respective plastic bags of stuff and stared awkwardly at one another for a few seconds.

He asked if I would like a hug and I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to say yes. I suspect he needed a hug, and he placed his arms around me, and that's when I couldn't hold it in any longer. It wasn't a huge cry, it wasn't full of loud agonizing sobs, it was just little, soft whimpers and my shoulders moved up and down.

Being the caring person that he can be, Prince just held me tighter and stroked his hands up and down my back to comfort me. And then he pressed his index, pinky finger and thumb into my back in and "I love you" pattern to symbolize that phrase. It's a thing we've done basically since our relationship started. It's a simple non verbal reminder of how much we care(d) about each other.

It surprised me, a little bit, that he chose that moment to let me know. The whole reason I called it off was because it felt like he no longer loved me anymore. I mean, he certainly hadn't been showing me he loved me. He had been distant, and sometimes mean.

I stepped back and looked at him, confused. Radically perplexed. And I said "That's not true..." And I shook my head. But I didn't mean that it wasn't true. Because I think, honestly, that it is true. I think he does love me, but I think he forgot to show it. And then it didn't feel like love, and it grew into something else. But then this sudden jolt, this smash back into reality made him see what I've been wanting him to see for a while now.

Or else, I don't know what to think.

When I told my friend about the incident and how I reacted and how it made me feel, she told me that she thinks boys just sometimes forget. People don't really realize what they have until it's gone.

I was talking to my dad today via text messages, and I told him that I'm not planning on getting back together with Prince Charming, but that I'm not writing it off completely. However, it will be a while before I jump back into anything with him. We both need this time to grow and listen to God.

Maybe God will have someone "better" for me. Someone more perfect, that I can't even fathom. Or maybe God will turn Prince Charming into that guy in the future. Who really knows? But what I can tell you is that I do still love Prince, and I think some part of me always will depending on how this part of my life plays out.

I have been listening to this song on repeat today:

Here are the lyrics:

Shocking Similarities and Future Hope

2011-01-28T00:24:00.000-08:00

I smell like coffee. But that's probably because I just worked for five hours making coffee drinks and being surrounded by coffee smelling things. I love the way that coffee smells, even if I'm not super big on how coffee tastes.

Prince Charming would always, always, always remind me of how much I smelled like coffee when I would visit him after my shift ended. He is not a coffee person. But between you and me, I think he kind of liked how I smelled when I came home from work.

I haven't seen Prince all day. But we've been talking off and on. Deciding when to meet to give stuff back to the respective owners, who will ultimately come away with the PS3, which as of now is in limbo joint custody. Poor kid. We'll have to send him to therapy. He will have mommy and daddy issues the rest of his gaming life.

But mostly, I've figured out, through some prodding and poking, that Prince Charming is either just as sad about this break up as I am or maybe even more so. I didn't expect that from him, and to see it in writing (texts and IM) was a little more than shocking to me.

You see, I remember when it was him who did the breakage the first time we went down this road. And it was me who was slowly dying a painful death waiting for him to come back around. I don't think things will happen the same way they did last time, but some of the things Prince told me he was feeling just echoed of my earlier heart cringes, and I don't know if that made me feel better or worse.

But I do feel for him. I'm sad that he is sad. I'm sad we have to go through this, but I think it's for the better even though honestly I have moments of doubt.

A lot of things are going to change in our lives. This relationship was a big thing (two years!) and for it to now be so incredibly different, is somewhat akin to culture shock, I think. Things that I used to do so comfortably now are not in the cards at all. It's going to take some getting used to.

And there are things I miss that I really don't want to miss. Things that I wish I could still do that now I can't. But it will get better. Eventually maybe we could be friends again. I hope that we can be. Someday. It would be nice.